List of Qwerpline Characters

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This page lists characters that have appeared on the podcast Qwerpline.

QWRP FM Staff

Current

Graham ("Big G-Money")

Main article: Big G-Money
Voiced by: Graham
Co-host of Qwerpline.

Alex ("A-Train")

Main article: A-Train
Voiced by: Alex
Co-host of Qwerpline and current Aldersm'n of Therpston County.

Derek

Main article: Derek the Intern
Voiced by: Beej
19-year-old intern who is frequently sent out for on-location work.

Edith Slump

Main article: Edith Slump
Voiced by: Kathleen
QWRP's monotonous Arts Correspondent, local author, and self-described freelance gadabout.

Richter Hammockslam

Main article: Richter Hammockslam
Voiced by: Ian
QWRP's helicopter Traffic "Reporter."

Sadie Caspersen

Main article: Sadie Caspersen
Voiced by: Kathleen
QWRP's Meteorologist. Mostly forecasts divine vengeance.

Michael O'Leary

Voiced by: Beej
QWRP's third Sports Reporter, now Business Reporter. After the Property Lottery, now lives in the station closet.

Montgomery Kone

Voiced by: Beej
QWRP's fourth Sports Reporter.

Gus

QWRP Station Engineer & Security(?). Mostly expresses his opinions via the sound board.

Jeff

QWRP Station Accountant. Has to deal with Derek charging random items to the station.

Joan

QWRP Station Manager. Communicates entirely through the red light in the studio.

Former

Chet Buntsman

Main article: Chet Buntsman
Voiced by: Ian
QWRP's first Sports Reporter. Former coach of the Nsburg High Talcum Puffs girl's field hockey team.

Clementine "Clem" Alberts

Voiced by: Kathleen
QWRP's second Sports Reporter. Would like to be called "Clementine," please.

Muriel, the Old Wife

Main article: Muriel, the Old Wife
Voiced by: Kathleen
Lived in the QWRP FM studio and answered questions for Graham and Alex. Moved out when she got a 4-bedroom home in Raster Heights the 19-way swap Edith arranged after the Property Lottery.

Recurring Characters

Ball Hinkley

Voiced by Beej
A local business owner and author. He sells organic perfumes made from locally sourced items from around his home in East Sump Acres.

Beatrice Landstraad

Voiced by Kathleen
Raster Heights Academy Student Council President, Sideball Team Booster Club Vice-President, Manga Club Teasurer, and President of the Radio Broadcast Club.

Bertha Burpwinter

Voiced by Alex
Knows about Nsberg's Historic Cellars. 3 interviews with her have been attempted. Arrested and put to trial in the Burpwinter trial.

Darren von Spront

Voiced by Ian
Local (possibly self-proclaimed) tech wunderkind. He engaged in a patent dispute with Raphael Crinklestouf, and discovered a new (and extremely radioactive) element.

False Dmitri the IX, aka Kaylee

Voiced by Kathleen
Day manager at the Weiner Czar. Went on a date with Derek.

Granton Bumper

Voiced by Ian
Owner of Bumper Crop Farms and its ill-fated Corn Maze. Entered a large radish approximately 1 foot wide at the Harvest Festival competition. Grew the Bumper Crop Farm Corn Maze for Halloween, which led to the disappearances of 21 people. Later found religion and built a 20-foot "Jesus Cristo" out of corn husks, which was accidentally destroyed by Derek.

Happy Gunderson

Voiced by Ian
Owner of a "spite house" in the middle of Highway 3. Frequently harassed by the Pipesmen.

Kendra Tiltington

Voiced by Kathleen
Director of Waste Management for Nsburg. She would really, really like it if people stopped dropping off non-recyclable things at the Nsburg Recycling Center.

Lorna Schlitzwhistle

Voiced by Kathleen
A local "expert" on pseudoscience and the supernatural. She keeps bees at her home in West Sump Acres and is very concerned about the effects of the "weefees" (WiFi). She sells dreamcatchers on Etsy.

Dr. Melissa McFeels

Voiced by Kathleen
Coach of the Nsburg High Talcum Puffs girl's field hockey team. Always gives 110%.

Ralph

Voiced by Ian
Secret Pipesman and member of the Nsburg Geological Society. Appears to be the spokesperson for the Pipesmen, or at least the most polite member.

Raphael Crinklestouf

Voiced by Beej
A local inventor and advocate for alternative fuels. He has used fermentation of human and other waste products to run an engine.

Richard Therpston

Voiced by Alex
Founder of Therpston County and Therpston County Aldersm'n. Deceased.

Richard Therpston III

Voiced by Alex
Pipesman and scion of the late Richard Therpston. Believes the rule of the county is his birthright.

Sandra Brentmore

Voiced by Kathleen
President of the Nsburg Historical Rum Tunnel Society. Has a chronic case of laryngitis and/or allergies.

Officer Steve

Voiced by Ian
Officer for the Nsburg PD. Investigated the disappearance and reappearance of the pot holes from Highway 3 to the Shaughnessy. Runs the Nsburg Crimestallers tip hotline.

Woman from the Old Country

Voiced by Kathleen
A local merchant who moved from the Old Country (unspecified, but hers), who crafts jams, aspics, and (presumably) other foodstuffs, out of questionable ingredients.

Appeared Once

Zeff Justice

Bailiff (Voiced by Graham)
Bailiff in the Burpwinter trial.

Barbara Dooley (Voiced by Kathleen)
She's a birder.

Honourable Judge Cecily Parker-Waffle (Voiced by Kathleen)
Judge in the Burpwinter trial.

Mr. Ditko Guttenberg (Voiced by Ian)
Night Mayor of Chuffield.

Fred (Voiced by Ian)
Founder of the Nsburg Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir

James Tumbletrubb (Voices by Ian)
Captain of the Gymtastics, Nsburgs Rhythmic Gymnastics team.

Joy (Voiced by Kathleen)
7-year-old child accidentally semi-adopted by Richter.

Kenneth Lancer (Voiced by Ian)
Political Scientist from Chuffield University

Korb Fortress Esq. (Voiced by Ian)
Lawyer for the prosecution in the Burpwinter trial.

Lance Glint (Voiced by Ian)
Student council president at Nsburg High.

Michael O'Leary (no relation) (Voiced by Ian)
Founder of a sanctuary from animals.

Orville & Wilbur Ronk (Voiced by Beej & Ian)
Brothers and inventors. Looking to build a solar-powered wind farm in Nsburg, but haven't yet secured the funding.

Rosemary Saltsmith (Voiced by Kathleen)
Nsburg History Museum Curator.

Dr. Slavoj Dinkwither (Voiced by Graham)
Member of the University of Chuffield's Extremophile Research Institute. Visited Nsburg to study nsberries. Would like you to mail him your poop.

Stacey (Voiced by Kathleen)
Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van Representative.

Zeff Justice (Voiced by Graham)
He's just happy to be in a room with this much love.

Other Referenced Names

Cheryl Bernut-Poultice - Lesser Miami poet. Author of Ode to Several Raccoons I Found Lodged in my Car's Radiator One Autumn Morning and Two Dead Swans Rotting, Occasionally Turning and then Sinking into a Stagnant Pool.

Dale "The Chuzzler" Chuzzle - Professional rally-car driver and local celebrity. Competed at Dakar and Le Mans, although he lost.

Dolly Lamarr - Nsburg Blacksmith.

Horatio Toot-Toot - Ran Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet and, briefly, the QWRP FM broadcast studio. Eventually made enough money to buy a boat and return to the sea whence he came.

Captain John Gordon - Sole member of the Nsburg Volunteer Coast Guard.

Kelsie - Had coffee with Derek before his interview with Richard Therpston, may now be dating him.

Kenneth Dalton-Spinelli - Part owner of The Libertine Submarine Limousine.

Lenny Caspersen - Sadie Casperson's husband. Doesn't like the food anywhere they go on holiday.

Lisa - Works at the Nsburg History Museum.

Melody Yum - Breakout star sideball player on the Literal Tigers. Was on fire last year, but she's out of the burn ward and ready to play.

Mirtho the Clown - A clown that promises to take you to smileville.

Rocko Dalton-Spinelli - Part owner of The Libertine Submarine Limousine.

Steve - Writer for the Nsburg Sentinel. (Not to be confused with Officer Steve)

Mayor Scratchy Boots Angry Hiss - Mayor of Nsburg from 1974 to 1976 - three Shufflecats (Raccoons) in a box.

Mayor Steno Paper Clips - Current Mayor of Nsburg - a box of paper clips. Has been mayor for over 9 years after the previous major died.

Samantha Caspersen - Sadie and Lenny Caspersen's daughter. Student at University of Jewelsburg and Finnish black metal fan.