The Implications Are Endless Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- The Implications Are Endless
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are taking our OWN nude selfies. I'm taking mine in Kim Kardashian's bathroom...as long as she and Kanye aren't there. Serge is taking his on an airplane...
Serge: Thank God for in-flight wi-fi!
Graham: ...and Beej is taking his at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Beej: {REMOVING HIS SHIRT} All you said was "don't smile"!
Graham: And we're probably not going to get as many re-tweets.
{TITLE: TIME TO SWITCH TO SNAPCHAT}
Graham: Gunfire in the middle of the night at a home in Ohio spurred-on a four-hour stand-off with police who, at the end of it, discovered the man they were standing-off with...was asleep.
Serge: With the love of gun culture, I can only imagine they're also using bullets for ear plugs.
Beej: You gotta be REAL careful putting them in, though. {PUTS "FINGER GUN" TO EAR}
Serge: {AS SLEEPING MAN} Oh, sorry, officer. Um, my doctor told me to count sheep to help myself sleep but all I had was bullets.
Beej: Is this a guy that just crawls into bed and says, "Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll fire off a few rounds and THEN I'll get some sleep."
Serge: Y'know, some people like to sleep with a gun under their pillow but they just wanna warm it up beforehand.
Beej: Sleep with a warm pillow?! That man's a monster!!
Graham: You weren't far off. As near as they can figure, he randomly - 'cause they don't know why - fired his gun into a bed and a wall and then went to sleep. And then the police were called and they showed up...and...they thought they were...they WERE talking to him, but he never responded...because he was asleep.
Beej: No, you see, I'm just MAD now! I'm just mad at the cops for not even thinking this through! Like, not just walking up to a door and knocking on it! I'm just...I have no joke, I'm just...FURIOUS at this idea!
Graham: The police sergeant said the man was hard of hearing but her should've KNOWN they were there because they had a patrol car outside with the lights on. Also, they broke a window to send in a surveillance device that they BELIEVE he saw.
Beej: That's a lot of supposition going on here! I mean, apparently, he DIDN'T see it. Apparently, he couldn't see the lights, either. He couldn't see a surveillance device. Maybe this wasn't even his house. Maybe the man inside isn't the man who shot the gun at all. Maybe the cops aren't actually real cops! {PAUSE} Maybe there ARE no laws to break!!
Serge: This is an innocent, hilarious moment of two parties not communicating well made terrifying because...guns.
Beej: Oh, America, now I've changed my mind. I don't think you have a gun problem. I just think you have communication issues.
Graham: I just wanna see the look on the faces of the policemen when they realized what was going on because they were tipped off when they heard him snoring.
Serge: Ah, yes. The classic strategy of "I'm just gonna go to sleep; it'll be better in the morning."
Graham: In the end, this man - who, I should mention, is 75, by the way - was charged with "inducing panic" and "firing a weapon while intoxicated".
Beej: Oh! Beer! It was beer all along!
{A PARODY OF THE "MORE YOU KNOW" LOGO: A JUST-OPENED BEER CAN (WITH THE LABEL "BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THIS HOP" ON IT) SPEEDS BY WITH THE WORDS "THE MORE YOU BEER"}
Graham: A robbery suspect turned himself into the authorities after the owner of the store that he robbed sent him a "Friend request" on Facebook.
Serge: Better than being asked to be added to your professional network on Linkedin.
Beej: Job skills include: larceny, petty; disguises, introductory; and general burglar-ment.
Serge: I wonder if this invite was a coincidence or just, like, next-level internet troll?
Beej: Facebook's algorithms are getting creepily out of control. "Do you know this person? He robbed your store."
Serge: This is another one of those Friend requests you just let sit in limbo forever.
Graham: After the robbery, the owner of the store - Tergesen's - took surveillance footage and spread it around on social media, asking people if they knew who the person was. And they got a hit, found him on Facebook, sent them a friend request and, presumably, that person freaked out and turned themselves in.
Beej: Wow. And I thought my PARENTS adding me on Facebook was bad.
Serge: I didn't KNOW you could turn yourself into the police to get away from that.
Graham: Even without the advent of social media, this took place in Gimli, Manitoba, with a population of 1900 people. WOULDN'T be that hard to find you.
Beej: Back in the old days, we would've grabbed our torches and pitchforks and hopped in the back of the pick-ups and burned down the whole town.
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Uh, technically, Gimli hasn't legally BEEN a "town" since 2003.
Beej: The whole hamlet?
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Unincorporated village?
Beej: Special district.
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Ah.
{ON-SCREEN} Because it's apparently 2007, when some motorists in North Carolina received parking tickets and scanned the code to be taken online to PAY the parking ticket, they instead got "Rick-rolled".
Serge: {LAUGHING} Disgruntled employees? Hilarious hackers? Who knows?
Beej: The implications here are ENDLESS. I could log in to the Canada Revenue Agency to get my tax information and be met with "Lemonparty"!
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Wow! "Lemonparty"? Really?
Beej: Yeah, it's a bunch of old white men fucking me out of my money.
Graham: I mean, it's been, like,...{LOOKS AT WATCH} eight YEARS since "Rick-rolling" was at its peak. I mean,...it's gotta be funny again by now, right?
Serge: There are 10,000 people born every day. It MUST be funny to them.
Beej: Yeah,...it MUST be. Picture 10,000 infants crying in front of Rick Astley.
Serge: Ah, so THAT'S how he stays so young.
Graham: The tickets - which, of course, were fake - were also for a hundred dollars, whereas a normal parking ticket here is TEN dollars. The city will NOT be accepting the fines and MAY charge the perpetrators with littering.
Serge: I'm not one for stiffer penalties but I think you can give them more than "littering".
Beej: Oh, c'mon, Serge! You know the rules! And so do I!
Graham: Thank you, Beej. I know I wouldn't get that from any other guy. So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS A GREY CONFEDERATE SOLDIER'S CAP}...because I was voted "most likely to secede". {GIVES THUMBS UP, THEN POINTS TO TOP OF CAP, WHERE GOLDEN RIFLES WERE EMBROIDERED} It's...it's, un,..it's, it's the Civil War...It's, um...it's kind of a big deal in the States at one point? I don't...know a lot about it myself. Sl-l-l-lavery?
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF BEEJ BACK IN THE FIRST STORY}
Beej: Job skills include...BLELELELEL...{COUGHS}
{GRAHAM AND SERGE LAUGH OFF-SCREEN}
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Really?!
Beej: Yeah, shit.
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Would that be, like, entry level or an executive level?
Beej: I've been doing it for years! Don't call it a comeback!
{EVERYONE BREAKS AS THE SHOW ENDS}
