Good News for Stoners Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Good News for Stoners

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where we are ingredients for a fun night out. I'm Liquid Courage. Joining me this week is Solid Intentions,

Kathleen: Oh, I'm sure everything will be just fine.

Graham: And... Gassy Discharge.

Beej: I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before.

Graham: Because the nights don't always go perfectly.

{TTILE: THE NIGHT ALSO WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT IS THE NIGHT ISN'T JUST YOUNG, IT'S TWELVE (SUBTITLE: UNDERAGE NIGHT ACTIVITIES ARE THE LEADING CAUSE OF GETTING GROUNDED)}

Graham: When a woman from Michigan posted on Facebook that she managed to pass a breathalyzer even though she had been drinking, that was not the dumbest part of the story. So now it's time for "But wait, there's more".

{TITLE: I ALREADY THOUGHT THINGS WERE STUPID ENOUGH BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE Kathleen: How about I not sing. How about you guys just do it.}

Kathleen: The second half of her Facebook post was "Actually, I think I didn't trigger the breathalyzer because of all the meth I'd smoked."

Beej: She's a judge.

Kathleen: She's Judge Dredd.

Beej: She's Judge Judy, but not the Judge Judy from TV.

Kathleen: {IN BREATHY ACCENTED VOICE} "Oh my god, your name is Judy and you're a judge. Just like Judge Judy on TV. Isn't that funny? Do you hear that a lot?" {IN DIFFERENT SOMBER VOICE} "No, I never hear that."

Graham: No, it wasn't just bad enough to post 'quote' {READING FROM BLACK IPHONE} "Buzz-killer for me I had to breathalyze this morning and I drank yesterday but I passed thank God LOL my dumb ass." But wait, there's more. She's on probation and can't drink at all.

Kathleen: Lesson learned, kids. Never friend your probation officer.

Graham: My favorite part is her use of a new verb -- I had to breathalyze. {SHAKES HEAD} It's- It's not every day you get to coin a new word.

Beej: I think for this woman that's akin to {AIR-QUOTES} jazzercise.

Kathleen: Ok, all that's bad but I think that Judge Judy but not actually being Judge Judy thing would actually still be worse.

Graham: Good news stoners -- they've introduced a cupcake vending machine in New York City.

Beej: Point of order, I'm not a stoner but I still like cupcakes. Can I still use this machine?

Graham: I don't know do you need cupcakes at 4 AM?

Beej: Dare I live the dream? {GRAHAM LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Kathleen: This isn't even necessarily good news for stoners. This is good news for anybody who's whacked out on a substance at 4 AM. Like college chicks coming out of a bar doing that thing that college chicks do when they're real drunk. It's going to be amazing for them.

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH HAVE THEIR ARMS WRAPPED AROUND EACH OTHER SHOULDERS AND SWAYING BACK AND FORTH IN A MOCK DRUNK FASHION}

Kathleen: {DRUNKINGLY Oh my god, no YOU'RE the best.

Beej: {DRUNKINGLY No, YOU'RE the best. No.

Kathleen: No. You're my best friend.

Beej: {DRUNKINGLY Oh we're going to be friends forever.

Kathleen: {DRUNKINGLY Oh my god you're the b- CUPCAKES! Oh!

Beej: {DRUNKINGLY Oh, cupcakes!

Graham: Not pictured, they were also both carrying their shoes.

Kathleen: And trust me, I know. I have been that drunk before. And if I, while swerving haphazardly down a city street, had seen a cupcake vending machine, I would have thrown my shoes aside and just rammed them into my mouth.

Beej: I don't know. Would stoners even get up the effort to go?

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE LYING BACK ON THE SOFA LOOKING STONED}

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} Dude, I'm so hungry.

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} Oh, I want a cupcake.

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} Oh, holy shit. I heard there's a cupcake vending machine now. We should go there.

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} You're right. Oh, man.

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} But you know I'm kind of hungry for chips. I wish there were vending machines that sold chips and, like, pop.

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} That's a great idea. We should write that down.

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} Oh, we're going to be millionaires.

{DIFFERENT SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}

Kathleen: Alright, hold on. As funny as it is to watch me and Beej make fun of people with various substance abuse problems, I think I actually know who the demographic for this is. This is women, you know, professional people who work in an office and who have a bad day and just want to treat themselves but don't want to have to make eye contact with anyone while buying their cupcakes.

Beej: So they can avoid all the guilt.

Kathleen: Exactly.

Beej: So what other guilt free things can we sell through vending machines?

Kathleen: Well, I don't know. I think Japan already has this down. Panties... mostly panties, I think.

Beej: Mostly just panties.

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE LYING BACK ON THE SOFA LOOKING STONED. BEEJ IS COVERING HIS EYES WITH HIS RIGHT HAND}

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} Aw, man. Know what I could really go for?

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} Oh... let me guess. Uh, cupcakes?

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} No. Used schoolgirl panties.

Beej: {UNCOVERS HIS EYES} {IN STONER VOICE} That's a brilliant idea. We should write that down.

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} We're gonna to be millionaires.

Graham: Hey, you guys. What are those character's names? It's relevant for the next story.

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}

Beej: Uh, Dave and Lisa.

Kathleen: No no. It's gotta be like stoner kid names.

Beej: Oh um, like Squeaky and The Chunt.

Kathleen: Which one of is {AIR-QUOTES} "The Chunt"?

Graham: Alright, we're going to go with Summer and Chuck.

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA.}

Beej: Oh, that's much more acceptable.

Graham: Well, while it's not a cupcake --

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Hold on, hold on!

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA.}

Kathleen: Where did you go to high school where {AIR-QUOTES} "The Chunt" is a stoner kid name?

Graham: {EYES CLOSED, ANNOYED} While it's not a cupcake vending machine, I'm sure that Summer and Chuck would enjoy a Vancouver, British Columbia pizzeria that will infuse your pizza with marijuana oil.

Beej: Oh sure, right, like the guys making that pizza would be able to read the prescription.

Kathleen: It has been said many times that when you order a late night pizza everyone involved in the chain from the ordering, to the preparation, to the delivery and the consumption is high. And now that has truly come to pass.

Graham: What sort of person, who legitimately needs medical marijuana, for like chronic pain or something is going to be like "This medicine, that I really need, would be best transferred into me on a pizza."

Beej: How big of a pizza?

Kathleen: I don't know if I'd want to eat a whole pizza covered in marijuana oil because at first it'd be like "Ah, I'm so hungry. This pizza's so good. Ah, I'm just going to keep eating I'm so hungry. {IN DEEP SLOW VOICE} I've been eating this pizza since the dawn of time."

Graham: Well after all this talk I really want pizza and cupcakes, ideally neither laced with THC because I need to update Facebook later and I don't want to take any chances. So until next time, remember: There may be better sources for news but they don't have {PUTS ON WHITE HARDHAT} this hat because they are unsafe. We care. {NODS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE LYING BACK ON THE SOFA LOOKING STONED}

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} Hey, Chuck? Have you seen The Chunt? I don't know if he's OK. He's been eating pizza for like an hour and a half.

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} Really?

Kathleen: {IN STONER VOICE} Yeah.

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} I'd thought he'd be done by now. Where does he keep getting all of it?