Random Acts of Toilet Transcript

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "things that happened to us at our childhood birthdays". I am "getting slapped by my mother because I guess I shouldn't've asked for presents or love". Joining me this week is "some streamers that say 'BRIDAL SHOWER'"?

Heather: So, my mom didn't really read them; she just saw there was a "B" on them, bought them really quickly, set them up...and then had to explain to a group of six-year-olds.

Kathleen: And...wait, "water slides"?! Beej, what the fuck?!?

Beej: {DEFENSIVELY} My...parents loved me and I had an idyllic childhood?! How is this my fault?!?

Kathleen: Well, I guess two out of three of us had shitty childhoods! Thanks for ruining it, Beej!!

{TITLE: WHAT WAS ANY OF THAT? I'M AFRAID. ARE YOU OK?/NEWS (SUBTITLE: CHILDHOOD SUCKS IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY)}

Kathleen: Aw, cute news: an eight-year-old boy left a sad voicemail for the Indiana Herald Times after they cancelled 13 comics, including his favorite, "Peanuts". Or it WOULD have been cute if he hadn't finished the voicemail by calling them "jerks", "idiots" and "shitheads".

Heather: I don't think he GOT that kind of language from "Peanuts".

Beej: I dunno, man. Woodstock's got a FOUL beak.

Kathleen: Y'know what, Cotton, let's just go to the replay.

{WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE VOICEMAIL OF THE CHILD WITH THE WORDS "THIS IS THE REAL CALL." ABOVE KATHLEEN DURING ITS PLAYING}

Child: Just give us this back! Idiots! Jerks! Shitholes! {WORDS ABOVE KATHLEEN CHANGES TO: "THIS IS MY KIND OF KID."} You shitholes!

Beej: I feel kinda bad for this kid because...{WORDS BELOW BEEJ: "WE'RE HELPING"}...this is gonna be on the internet forever!

Heather: {TO BEEJ} I dunno, Beej. With language like that, he's pretty ready for the internet.

Kathleen: This kid's only in third grade but he's playing XBox Live at an eighth-grade level.

Beej: What gets me about that clip is that he said "shitholes" twice. The first time it's with a bit of confusion in his voice. And then there's a pause...and it's like a light went on above his head and the second time he said it was with pride. It was a real act of discovery.

Heather: We are talking a lot about this child and giving him fame and recognition. Aren't we sending the wrong message?

Beej: Yeah, this kid's got his first taste of fame. He's gonna have to up the ante. Punching out nuns, drinking hookers, having sex with vodka, all before he's twelve years old!

Kathleen: Y'know what, Beej, you're right! But, in today's hyper-saturated media-fied TMZ world, that kid's no hellion...he's a goddamn national hero! {"AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" STARTS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND} So go forth and swear, little foul-mouthed brat from Indianapolis! Y'know what? You're the recipient of the first- and (probably) last-ever Feed Dump Award for Gnarly Voicemails! YEAH!!

{CUT TO 3D COMPUTER GRAPHIC OF THE AWARD: A "LOVING CUP" WITH A PLAQUE BENEATH SAYING: "THE FIRST AND (PROBABLY) LAST FEED DUMP AWARD FOR GNARLY VOICEMAILS"...FOLLOWED BY FOOTAGE OF A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION, FOLLOWED BY A TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: Oregon police were left scratching their heads after someone reported a 1400 square-foot cabin stolen.

Heather: {CONFUSED} Wait, a CABIN? Not a mobile home?

Beej: {SMILING WIDELY} It is NOW!

Heather: Where do you even BEGIN to look for a missing house?

Beej: Pfff...I can't believe they can't crack this case. What you do is you send a package to the house, then you follow the mail truck and, when it shows up, you know where the HOUSE is!

Kathleen: Well, Beej, maybe that's what the Klamath County Police did because they found the house two days later, about a mile from where it had originally been taken off its foundation. Now, according to the police,...{READS FROM iPHONE} "'I've seen a lot of scams but I've never seen an entire house gone missing,' said Sheriff Frank Skrah" who had spent 40 years in police enforcement. And probably wondered, "Why now" he was getting attention when he'd been doing ACTUAL police work for the past four decades of his life?!

Beej: You might not think that a mile is very far away but it is an AWFULLY long distance to drag a house with your teeth.

Heather: And...you have to move it all around the trees so that's probably why they only got it about one mile. I would've stopped there, too.

Kathleen: No, you dinguses! It got jacked-up and hauled off by a logging company! But, y'know what? I don't know what world you two are living in but I kinda wanna go there!

Beej: Man, I'm into some kinky shit but I've never had to jack-up a house before. {MAKES MASTURBATION MOTION WITH HIS FIST}

Kathleen: And now I don't want to live there...thank you, Beej.

Heather: It's not Feed Dump without some toilet humor.

Kathleen: Funny you should say that...because a mystery plumber has installed a fully functional toilet at a rural bus stop in the Surrey village of Worplesdon. {CUT TO PICTURE OF SAID TOILET} It flushes, comes with a bog roll..it, it works.

Beej: That man is a hero!

Heather: {TO BEEJ} Have you BEEN to a bus stop toilet?

Beej: Wait, is it enclosed?

Kathleen: No.

Beej: {EXCITED} Yes!!

Heather: I don't understand. WHY is a toilet being opened to the outdoors that good?!

Beej: It's a man's romance! Imagine: sitting on the side of the road, pants around your ankles, freely shitting into whatever's behind you, playing Threes on your phone, waiting for the bus to come...just enjoying nature's estance. Also the rain would keep you clean.

Heather: {TO BEEJ} Is THAT why you keep leaving the bathroom window open every time it rains?!

Beej: GIVE ME BACK MY HOPES AND DREAMS! {WORDS BELOW BEEJ: "APPARENTLY THIS IS AN ANIME TROPE"} GIVE ME BACK MY YOUTH!

Kathleen: Well, Beej, it doesn't ACTUALLY come with anything because they removed it from the bus stop, obviously. Uh, according to Parish Council Clerk Gaynor White, {READS FROM iPHONE} "I received a phone call just before midday and the groundsman said, 'You will never guess what I found.'"

Heather: To be honest, I would never have guessed "a fully-functioning toilet at a bus stop".

Beej: Oh, I knew it would happen one day.

Kathleen: When asked about the mystery loo, one local man said, "Y'know, its a shame the Parish Council didn't want to keep it there. Sometimes you've got to wait ages for a bus."

Beej: You can't shit on the bus!!

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} What?!

Beej: You said that the guy said it takes ages for a bus to come around! And the only thing I can think of was that he waits for the bus to show up so he can take a shit on the bus!

Heather: {TO BEEJ, UNCOMFORTABLY} That's a...very creative way to take that sentence...

Beej: That's why they pay me a lot of money.

Kathleen: Wait, they pay you a lot to shit on buses?! 'Cause I certainly don't pay you a lot to be on Feed Dump!

Beej: No, that's why I have a bus pass! {SHOWS OFF SAID PASS WITH PRIDE}

Kathleen: This is why I never take public transport. But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON YELLOW CAT-EARED TOQUE}...THIS hat...which is a hat for the "Cat-Shaped Life" Kickstarter, which is a 2D point-and-click cat simulation adventure game. Anyhow, check it out, I guess? Meow? If I was a cat, I would poop on something. Maybe...{LOOKS AT BEEJ}...YOU are a cat; maybe that's why you want the bus toilets. Mysteries of science...

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT BACK TO CAPTAIN'S CHAIR AS KATHLEEN TALKS ABOUT THE CABIN THEFT STORY TO BEEJ}

Kathleen: ...like a house.

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} Wow.

Kathleen: Off it's foundations.

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} Oh...uh...

{BOTH KATHLEEN AND BEEJ CHUCKLE}

Heather: {OFFSCREEN} It's not a mobile house...

Kathleen: No...

Beej: {OFFSCREEN, LAUGHING} Well, it is now!