Qwerpline Ep07 - Debatable Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep07 - Debatable

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: The Libertine Submarine Limousine }

ANNOUNCER: ... The Libertine Submarine Limousine. Why cruise on the Shaughnessy when you can barrel eight feet underwater in a richly appointed man-only watertight town car. Book the Libertine Submarine Limousine, you won't need sunscreen.

{Graphice: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning and welcome to QWERPline, it is G-Money here with the A-Train. How is it going today Alex?

A-TRAIN: Feeling taut and fresh.

G-MONEY: How taut do you feel?

A-TRAIN: GD equivalent.

G-MONEY: So not sort of like you need a massage?

A-TRAIN: Was that on offer?

G-MONEY: Not for me. Welcome everybody to QWERPline broadcasting live from QWRP and wonderful Nsburg, "Where the sky meets".

{Graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: That's not true, I've never eaten a sky meat.

G-MONEY: No, no, two E's.

A-TRAIN: Well I've been on Twoees before it's great for about six hours but after that, wow.

{Graphice: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Ah. As we all know the big news this week: spurred by the untimely passing of much beloved aldersmen Richard Thurpston, the emergency by-election for the position of aldersman has been taking Nsburg by storm. There are ... 67 candidates for the position. After years of Mr. Thurpston running unopposed, it seems now that he is no longer with us everybody wants to see if they've got what it takes.

A-TRAIN: And some of those people do not.

G-MONEY: And so owing to a policy that was put in place before we realized 67 candidates might be running, we are obliged to give each of them equal and fair airtime to promote their campaign. As QWERPline now enters its ninth consecutive day of election coverage.

A-TRAIN: I'm learning new things about how much mileage I can get out of my underpants.

G-MONEY: You know you can go home when we're not broadcasting?

A-TRAIN: No shit!

G-MONEY: That would be the ideal scenario, yes. Later in the program of course we'll be checking in live at the Town Hall for the all-candidates mass debate moderated by our own, surprisingly patient, Edith Slump operating in her capacity as Harvest Princess and one of the few people not running.

A-TRAIN: I'll tell you if Harvest Queen Agatha doesn't have kids soon Edith is next up to the plate.

G-MONEY: As is tradition in Harvest Festival monarchies.

A-TRAIN: Be a real pain in the ass to have to reprint our money though.

G-MONEY: But before we go to that, it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter to tell you how things are looking on the streets of Nsburg today. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

RICHTER: Thank You Graham. And I'd like to remind you and the people of Nsburg that a vote for Richter Hammockslam is a vote for a clear drive to tomorrow and also a vote for Richter.

G-MONEY: Richter even over this.

RICHTER: Just like I have been over this city from corner to corner. From Crescent Crescent to Burburshire Drive, handing out my platform on these pamphlets deliver it from the air.

A-TRAIN: Is that why our copiers empty?

RICHTER: Empty, Alex like the promises of every other candidate running in Nsburg.

{Laugh break}

Kathleen: I love Richter.

G-MONEY: Richter, we discussed this you had your time earlier this week. You can't use every traffic update to campaign.

RICHTER: Fine Graham. Let me tell you about traffic. Let me tell you about the ring, the ring that I throw my hat in. The ring is the Ring Road which shall rule this great city and I will complete that Ring Road as soon as I get elected.

G-MONEY: Richter, you honestly think you are going to be able to complete the other 335 degrees of Nsburg Ring Road?

RICHTER: It's all about vision Graham. And from 4,600 feet, no other candidate at better vision than I.

A-TRAIN: Richter! Traffic!

RICHTER: Fine Alex. Let's then talk about the traffic on Burburshire Drive. The drive full of fine townspeople and profitable local businesses. Beautiful prosperity from the north to the south. From the Shaughnessy all the way to where the Shaughnessy 2 was just mere weeks ago. A city teeming with people who do not want their fair burg destroyed by an incompetent, illiterate candidate. And also a five car pileup on Highway 3, so you might want to consider taking an alternate route to the debate. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: We got actual traffic at the end.

A-TRAIN: There, see what a little yelling will get you.

G-MONEY: I think that's his whole platform.

A-TRAIN: Pretty sure Richter's platform has a big H painted on it.

G-MONEY: That is the QWRP helipad.

A-TRAIN: But he's been campaigning off it for a week.

G-MONEY: It's okay we're not liable. And let's go now live to our seven of today's all candidates mass debate, broadcasting from the town hall and moderated by Edith Slump.

{Graphic: All-Candidates Mass Debate}

HICKLEY: So I can find new things in a bucket.

EDITH: Thank You Mr. Hinkley.

HICKLEY: Call me Ball, Princess.

EDITH: No. The next question is for Mr. Korb, Fortress, Esquire.

FORTRESS: Greetings your highness.

EDITH: As residents of Nsburg and Lesser Miami are no doubt aware raccoons are constant past at our municipal pools. Do you have any policy suggestions in place to try and reduce the amount of raccoon fur and rabies that our children might come in contact with next summer?

FORTRESS: That is a question vital to the health and safety of our citizens in this county Edith. I believe that a strict procedure of licensing and cleanup of raccoons would help keep them off the streets. Furthermore I would increase funding to the recycling depot to process better the raccoons and refine the rabies down into a exportable resource. Raccoons of course being one of the four R's.

TILTINGTON: (From the gallery) Three R's. We don't take raccoons.

EDITH: I ask that the gallery remain silent. Our next question is a down the line question for candidates 51 through 59. Many citizens have been campaigning for a memorial to the late Richard Thurpston. Can you speak to your plans for materials and construction you have two minutes.

HICKLEY: Two minutes each?

EDITH: Total. I've been doing this for nine days and my patience is razor thin. Mr. Hinkley you may begin.

HICKLEY: I get a big mound of sawdust out back I'm gonna press it and I'm gonna mold it and then I'm gonna impregnate it with my perfumes. That memorials gonna smell like the sweetest coochie ever put your nose in.

EDITH: Thank you.

HICKLEY: I wasn't done.

EDITH: I am. Next candidate, Miss Schlitzwhistle.

SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh my goodness, I have so much experience with craftsmanship and making things. And I think it's really important if we're going to make any kind of monument to a false god, we must also pray the real God: Mother Gaia. And also it should block Wee-Fee transmissions because they are just not good for you. So I see a beautiful sun with a dreamcatcher on top to catch all of the Wee-Fees and the free radicals that are just flowing through the air. And at her feet three happy bees. For budget I'm thinking about 350,000 dollars so we can get ethical and organically sourced materials; beeswax, herbs, spices.

{Laugh break}

SCHLITZWHISTLE: Spices, crystals and spiders.

EDITH: That's nice. Next up is Korb, Fortress, Esquire.

FORTRESS: A man of law is best remembered by the law that he produces. And therefore I would like to introduce a new form of legislation to honor the late Mr. Thurpston. By putting into place a new tax code which would include the consumption of statues and statuettes, thereby stimulating our economy through the production thereof.

EDITH: That doesn't make any sense Mr. Fortress. Would you care to elaborate?

FORTRESS: I would be happy to answer any further and follow-up questions after my election.

EDITH: Well, hope springs eternal. Next we go to candidate number 54 Mr. Justice, Zeff.

ZEFF JUSTICE: One love Edith.

{Laugh break}

GRAHAM: Just like.

BEEJ: Get out of that.

GRAHAM: Please, no.

EDITH: That's Princess Slump to you.

ZEFF: Iree. Here's what I don't understand. Everyone's here in this building and we're all thinking about this wonderful person, Mr. Thurpston, and how we can do our best to honor him for all the great things that he's supposedly done for us. And that's great, like, I love that. That's love, that's what love is about, that's the best part of all of this, is how much we can love each other and everything that we're doing with our lives. But have you ever considered, have you ever stopped and considered: what he want whats? Does Mr. Thurpston want us to do we want, to do this for him, but maybe he doesn't want certain things. Maybe we should ask him.

EDITH: Mr. Thurpston is dead, that's why we are having this election.

ZEFF: Bummer. Ah that's rough man. Why didn't anyone tell me? We should make a memorial to him. I bet if everyone up here and all the people in the audience work together we could build something for him.

EDITH: That is exactly what we are, in fact, discussing at this very moment.

ZEFF: I'm just so happy to be in a room with this much love.

EDITH: Your two minutes are up.

ZEFF: That's been two minutes?

EDITH: It seems like an eternity. Next up is Happy Gunterson.

GUNDERSON: Gunderson, and I'll tell you I am very happy to be here today. I can tell you one thing about the memorial for Mr. Thurpston, noted Pipesman sympathizer, and it's not going to go in my backyard.

EDITH: Nobody here suggesting that.

GUNDERSON: I cede the remainder of my time.

EDITH: Yay. Next in line is local coach Dr. Melissa McFeels.

BUNTSMAN: (From the gallery) Eat a dick sandwich McFeels.

EDITH: Security can we have Mr. Buntsman been removed from the gallery. Again.

BUNTSMAN: People need to know the truth a truth but what a shitheel McFeels is.

MELISSA MCFEELS: Thanks Edith. I think that for this memorial that we should do exactly what we do for the Talc Puffs and the Literal Tigers and we should just knuckle down and give it our all and really try our hardest and whatever happens, happens, but we'll know we did our best.

EDITH: Do you have any concrete plans?

MCFEELS: Concrete! That's a fantastic idea! Good job Edith, you're really giving it a hundred and ten percent. Such a team player.

EDITH: That's the first time anyone's ever told me that. I'm overcome with emotion. Next up we have Richard Thurpston the Third.

RICHARD THURPSTON III: I cannot believe I am being subjected to this travesty. My dead grandfather founded this county. This is my birthright and 66 other nitwits are running against me.

EDITH: Er, Mr. Thurpston I would care to remind you that, unlike the title of Harvest Queen, this is not a monarchy.

THURPSTON: By God when I was a boy it was and it should have stayed that way.

EDITH: Sir, you are 22 years old.

THURPSTON: And I'll have you married after the villas Prince of Greensbugh if you keep up that attitude.

EDITH: That's not a very good threat. Also that's not how that works. Also Steve is a nice guy. We've had coffee.

THURPSTON: In more civilized counties I could have you all killed and don't think I wouldn't.

EDITH: Well that's exciting. And next up we have ... Derek? Did you get lost?

DEREK: Hi Edith . EDITH: Derek, I think you are too young to run for this position.

DEREK: I'm 19.

EDITH: Hmm I guess that is the absolute minimum legal age. Carry on.

DEREK: So I was the last one to sit with Richard Thurpston before he untimely demised, and I think I know a little bit about what that man would want. For example, I know he loved muffins. But more importantly, his ghost is inside me now and I think he wants a statue built in every town in the county.

EDITH: His ghost is inside you?

DEREK: Well I assume so I mean I was looking right in his eyes when he passed over. That's how it works right? Like in Highlander The Animated Series.

FORTRESS: Did you experience lightning?

HICKLEY: Or he had a music of Queen?

THURPSTON: My grandfather's soul is in Hell, not inside some upstart boy.

DEREK: Point of information Princess Slump. I believe in this debate I've already established that I am 19 years old.

EDITH: Mr. Derek is correct, the other candidates are out of order.

THURPSTON: You're out of order.

{All arguing, sirens}

DEREK: I CHANNEL THE COUNTY POWER OF RICHARD THURPSTON THROUGH MY HANDS!

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Alright we're going to bring it back to the studio now and maybe we'll check in later, if things get back under control.

A-TRAIN: Well this is only the second day of debates that's ended in fisticuffs, I think we're doing pretty well.

G-MONEY: Yeah, though I still question doing these debates as a round-robin.

A-TRAIN: Well you got 67 candidates it was this or deathmatch.

G-MONEY: I mean it sounds tempting.

A-TRAIN: You know what I would do if I was aldersman?

G-MONEY: I don't, what would you do?

A-TRAIN: Absolutely nothing. I would leave everything as it is all these people are talking about change and I think the people really just want it left the way it is. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Richard Thurpston steered this county on a straight course for nearly half a century and people want to change that? Why? Who needs these chuckle-fucks?

G-MONEY: They're not all ... that word.

A-TRAIN: Derek is running.

G-MONEY: Derek's only running because he thinks he has a ghost living in him.

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: Speaking of when are we gonna break the news to him?

G-MONEY: Why should we? We're not his mom.

A-TRAIN: Well if he is a Highlander then neither is she.

G-MONEY: Well either way, we'll have to check back in with a debate later, because it is almost time for a break. When we come back we've just learned that officer Steve and the Nsburg PD have once again deputized the Girl Scouts to help contain the melee at the mass debate.

A-TRAIN: Lock and load girls.

G-MONEY: And it's November so that who's Nsburg Tourism Board is getting ready with the annual chestnut count.

A-TRAIN: Did you get in on the pool this year?

G-MONEY: No, it's full of raccoons again.

A-TRAIN: Why should that stop you?

G-MONEY: What?

A-TRAIN: Just give 'er.

G-MONEY: Sure. More QWERPline, back after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: The Libertine Submarine Limousine }

ANNOUNCER: ... The Libertines Submarine Limousine. Why cruise on the Shaughnessy when you can barrel 8 feet underwater in a water tight Town car filled with luscious men. Book The Libertines Submarine Limousine, get keen on the peen scene.