Pube Soup Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Pube Soup

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

{THE SCENE IS THE MT. WASHINGTON HOT TUB WHERE THREE PREVIOUS FEED DUMPS TOOK PLACE}

Kathleen: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} Welcome to Tub Dump. I'm Kathleen and I'm the rightful host of this hot, wet Dump. And, y'know, Graham will probably take it back next week. But, for THIS week, I am in charge of Feed Dump and...we're gonna do it in a hot tub. Uh, we have an audience today. {POINTS BEHIND HER TO THE CABIN NEXT DOOR} There's a kid named Devon who's watching us from the cabin next door. Uh, we've tried NOT to do swears but I screwed up this intro; it's more like four times already. So Devon is learning exciting new words. Hurray, Devon. Joining this week is some OTHER people in a hot tub. {TAKES DRAW OF BEER}

Beej: I've been in here all day and haven't left yet.

Leelee: {HOLDING WINE GLASS AND WEARING HEART-RIMMED SUNGLASSES} I'm just here to watch the skiers fall down the hill.

Andrew: {WEARING RED CAP} I'm your friend's attractive wife and you can't figure out whether or not we have an "open relationship". Hey.

{TITLE: ANSWER UNCLEAR, TRY LATER}

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE IN A PLASTIC BAG} Residents of Columbus, Ohio are going bananas...because there's a howler monkey on the loose in the neighborhood of Minerva Park and they can't catch it.

Leelee: {HOLDING WINE GLASS} I guess better the howler monkey than the "Fuckler monkey".

Kathleen: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} Discovered in 1848 by John A. Fuckler, the "Fuckler monkey" is a real asshole.

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} And they said America couldn't come up with a cultural equivalent to Japan's treasured dog, Hachiko.

Beej: Ugh! At least Hachiko didn't masturbate!

Leelee: {HOLDING WINE GLASS} Well, at least not in the train station.

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} Yeah, Beej, you never really looked at the back of that statue.

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE IN A PLASTIC BAG} By the way, if you wanted to know what a howler monkey is like, according to police, they can be aggressive and loud. No shit; it's called a "howler" monkey!

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} The police actually know exactly where the monkey is. They just don't want to CATCH it because this is the most exciting thing to happen to there in years. This is gonna put them on the map! Sorry, uh,...dammit, what was the city again?

Leelee: {HOLDING WINE GLASS} Uh, "Hachiko"?

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} No, "Ohio".

Beej: No, that's the MORNING greeting; you wanna say "konnichiwa" now.

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE IN A PLASTIC BAG} Uh, if you cared at all, somebody has set up a novelty Twitter account for the escaped howler monkey. {READS FROM iPHONE} It is "@minervamonkey". It has 67 followers.

Beej: Man, even the "IKEA monkey" got more followers than that!

Kathleen: No, no. That's in Sweden.

Andrew and Beej: {WITH TITLE} THIRD BASE!

Kathleen: Dateline: Wisconsin, the Geneva Bay WinterFest. "Hey, let's park on this frozen-over lake! What could possible go wrong...even though the temperatures are above freezing?" And twelve cars sunk into the lake.

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} So I guarantee you, what happened there is: some idiot was, like, "I'm gonna go park on the lake!" Some OTHER idiot drove up and was like, "Oh, I see about two thousand pounds out there on that ice. Another two thousand shouldn't make a difference. Here we go!"

Leelee: {HOLDING WINE GLASS} Ten professional alcoholics later...

Beej: {PRETENDING TO HOLD THE iPHONE} Twelve?! I had "fifteen" in the pool!

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} No, it's a lake!

Kathleen: No, this is a hot tub.

Leelee: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} Well, now it's a used car lot.

All: {WITH TITLE} THIRD BASE!!

Kathleen: Washington police were able to track down a suspected burglar after they realized he logged into his Twitter account at one of the crime scenes. And people at Twitter were just happy that someone's using their service without bitching.

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} Police would've caught him earlier but it turns out nobody actually uses the "Moments" tab.

Leelee: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} Well, this is just another vote for chronological timelines.

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} He didn't actually post anything; he just had to log-in and "follow" the howler monkey.

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Sixty-eight!

Beej: I'm impressed at how elaborate these "Bernie/Hillary" memes are getting.

{QUICK SHOT OF ONE SUCH MEME WITH THE "ISSUE:" BOX READING "FEED DUMP", THE ONE BELOW BERNIE SANDERS READING "BRING BACK KATHLEEN AS HOST" AND THE ONE BELOW HILLARY CLINTON READING "DO YOU STILL MAKE FRIDAY NIGHTS?"}

Andrew: {HOLDING BEER BOTTLE} He didn't actually post a Tweet from the scene if the crime; what he posted was a "Vine".

{SCENE OF A FAKE 'VINE' MESSAGE OF ALL THE DUMPERS TOGETHER SINGING}

All: {SINGING} Why the fuck you crimin'?! Why you always crimin'?! Ohhh, my God! Stop fuckin' crimin'!!

Kathleen: {HOLDING BLACK WOOL TOQUE IN HER HANDS} All right, well, that about does it for this Feed Dump. But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS TOQUE}...which I was not holding off-frame for the element of surprise because it belongs to Ash and I don't want to get it wet in this hot tub. Sure do love wearing a hot hat in a hot tub where it's already too hot. It's a great device...hot person soup maker with an added garnish of human pubes.

Beej, Leelee and Andrew {OFF-SCREEN} "Third base"?!

Kathleen: {TO CAMERA} Oh, you miss me. {MOVES CLOSER TO CAMERA} You miss me. You miss me and I'll be back. One day I'll be back and I'll be grosser than ever. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Bye, everybody!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: As an aside, there's, like, random clumps of hair floating through this hot tub. And we're all politely ignoring the fact that it's almost CERTAINLY pubes.