Hellraiser 8 Transcript
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Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, earlier this week, it was "Super Tuesday"...and we are OTHER members of the "Justice Week". I am a "Bat-Monday". Joining me this week is a "Wonder Wednesday"...
Beej: {AS IF NOT BELIEVING HE'S SAYING IT} I'm an invisible jet!
Graham: ...and..."Thor-sday".
Cameron: I'm all for reaching a hand across the aisle.
{TITLE: STILL NO LOVE FOR BEPPO}
Graham: Cam, I'm glad you're here because we have on update an the man who was caught smuggling turtles in his pants.
Cameron: {IN FRONT OF GREEN SCREEN (WHICH SHOW A BEE ON A FLOWER), WEARING A PITH HELMET AND HOLDING A LONG MIC} {GROANS} Which one?
Graham: Uh, the most RECENT one? Windsor, Ontario man Dong Yan was convicted of trying to smuggle 38 turtles in his pants. And the terms of the conviction were: {READS OFF iPHONE} "50 hours of community service, two years of probation, a 3500-dollar fine" and he's never allowed to own reptiles again.
Beej: So look out, frogs!
Cameron: {STILL AT GREEN SCREEN (NOW SHOWING ANTS)} Well, if you're looking to smuggle animals in your pants, insects are naturally gregarious.
Graham: He was ALSO ordered to write a letter about his experiences, quote, {READS FROM iPHONE} "for publication as the Department of the Environment sees fit."
Beej: For our American audience, this is part of a new Trudeau-led initiative to, uh, involve more restorative justice involving public shame. We'll let you know when it starts working.
Cameron: {STILL AT GREEN SCREEN (NOW SHOWING A FLY)} What if he's an animal-smuggling fetishist and is a "sub" for being publicly shamed? This could be part of his "long game".
Graham: In NEW reptile news, a gang of drug dealers in Amsterdam suffered eleven arrests and the seizure of 300,000 Euros that they had left in a cage being guarded by a pair of crocodiles.
Beej: How do you even get crocodiles in Amsterdam?! What kind of DRUGS were these?!
Graham: According to the police report, half-a-million Euros worth of crystal meth and a {FINGER QUOTES} "large quantity of synthetic drugs".
Cameron: {BACK IN SEAT FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW} For when Bishop just needs to get REALLY fucked-up! No, but seriously, it's probably MDMA.
Beej: I couldn't imagine being on MDMA around crocodiles. I'd be all, like, "Oh, your skin is so bumpy!" And my arms just get sheered off.
Cameron: Then again, {FINGER QUOTES} "synthetic drugs" covers a wide variety of things. Maybe they were hallucinogens. Do we know for certain that there were crocodiles? Maybe it was just one of those Polo shirts with the crocodile embroidered in it. Did you think about that? I bet you didn't.
Beej: 300,000 dollars worth of drugs...guarded by a couple of crocodiles. It sounds like the drug dealers were taking their business cues from mid-2000s rap videos.
Cameron: What tipped off the police? Were the drug dealers out for a spin in their solid platinum, diamond-encrusted canal boat?
Beej: If the money and the crocodiles were both in the same cage, then how did the drug dealers get to THEIR money? I have troubles changing the waters in a turtle tank!
Cameron: Well, maybe these weren't guard crocodiles after all and were part of their loot stash. Perhaps they were waiting to be turned into shoes.
Beej: Fanciest fucking Crocs you ever put on YOUR feet!
Graham: Following judicial approval of a class-action lawsuit, Subway will have to ensure their "foot-long" sandwich bread is EXACTLY twelve inches long.
Beej: You'd think a company named "Doctor's Associates" would be a little more stringent about making measurements.
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Yo, heads up: Subway is owned by a company called "Doctor's Associates" {BEEJ POINTS AT GRAHAM FOR THE KNOWLEDGE} They're not doctors. {BEEJ SHAKES HIS HEAD}
Cameron: Now that they're required to make certain that their sandwiches are exactly twelve inches long, maybe now they'll train their employees to TILE THE CHEESE TRIANGLES CORRECTLY!
Beej: And smush the TUNA BALLS EVENLY!
Cameron: It's not hard to make certain they line up correctly! I know, 'cause I have to open up my sandwich and rearrange them! And people look at me like I'm crazy! But I'm NOT crazy! I just CARE about these things! It's IMPORTANT! {BREAKS DOWN IN SOBS} I can't...can't fucking...{SNAPS OUT OF IT} Also, tuna balls?!
Beej: And when I say, "I want spinach," I want, like, SPINACH! Not a fucking garnish!
Graham: Guys, they're "sandwich ARTISTS", not "sandwich ENGINEERS". Though it IS a little weird that they serve meat with an ice cream scoop.
Cameron: I'm not asking for Park Güell here, but, like...they tessellate so evenly! Why wouldn't you...it drives me insane, I just...need my cheese done well...
Graham: It should be mentioned that Subway was found do have done no wrong as part of this and has been asked to pay no monetary costs as part of this class-action lawsuit. The reason this happened is because all their gread bets made into sort of uniform dough slugs and they go out to the restaurants and sometimes they bake a little small. I think all this has done is force Subway to throw away a lot of bread.
Beej: I've ALSO tried telling women that I {FINGER QUOTES} "bake small".
Cameron: Oh, good, is it time for the dick jokes? {SIGHS IN RELIEF} Really, mine's more of a flatbread...or "deli-browned".
Graham: If I'm going to Subway, typically I'll get the...chopped salad. I don't...know what that means now...
Cameron: Damn, you're into some sick shit!
Beej: And {FINGER QUOTES} "smells like freshly baked bread" has never worked on my Tinder profile...
Cameron: 'Course, I've found that {FINGER QUOTES} "bringing back apple-wood pulled pork" makes it percolate.
Graham: I just sprinkle mine with herbs (pronounced with a hard "h") and cheese.
Beej: Oh, I know Herb, I met him on Grindr...which I thought was a kind of sandwich?
Graham: {OFF-SCRREN} It is, but it's also a DIFFERENT kind of sandwich.
Beej: That's what Herb showed me.
Graham: {OFF-SCRREN} Yeah, he's a nice guy.
Cameron: But Herb can eat a "foot-long" like you're throwing it in a wood chipper!
Graham: A woman was stopped by the TSA at Baltimore-Washington International Airport because she was wearing a pair of stiletto heels that were shaped like guns.
Cameron: What's Bayonetta doing flying domestic?
Beej: I understand stilettos are traditionally the most uncomfortable high heels to walk around in. So I don't know why she'd want to do that with some shoes resembling AR-15s.
Cameron: The AR-15 IS quite modular. Maybe she was using the picatinny rail to mount, like, a four-grip or a sight, her keys, boarding pass...
Beej: Hang on...a stiletto's a KNIFE. There's been some serious epistemological drift here.
Cameron: Is that like "Tokyo Drift"?
Beej: Oh, God. Not in THOSE shoes.
Graham: Also, because she was running late for her flight, her only option was to abandon the shoes at TSA. So she's on a plane barefoot somewhere.
Cameron: Wait, isn't this how "Die Hard" started?!
Beej: Oh! Yes! Blockbuster! "Ho, ho, ho! Now I have a pair of Barret 50-cal Lupiten!"
Graham: At a routine traffic stop in Ohio, a fugitive from Tampa, Florida didn't want to be identified so he made the call to chew off his fingertips.
Cameron: Well, you can take the man out of Florida...
Beej: Jesus Christ! Did he escape from the movie "Se7en"?!
Cameron: Did he NOT thinking eating his fingertips would ALSO be suspicious?! Maybe we're all lucky that the cops stopped him before he got to his retinas!
Graham: I'd...kinda like to see how a man would try to eat his own retinas.
Cameron: So would I! That's why we should make "Hellraiser 8"!
Beej: {HOLDING A HAND TO HIS EYE, ALMOST LAUGHING} Oh, he's also gonna have to swallow his teeth!
Cameron: And all his hair and follicles.
Beej: Soon, he will form a diorama and slowly consume himself until he disappears from the mortal plane.
Cameron: Or would he be twice as fat?
Graham: {WEARING POLICE HAT} Sir, I pulled you over because your tail light was out.
Beej: {CHEWING ON HIS FINGERTIPS} I haven't stopped to eat in 12 hours! It's a free country!
Graham: This has all made me very uncomfortable, So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have...{DONS A SILVER TIARA}...THIS hat, which is actually a MagFest tiara, courtesy of some kind {WINCES} people at MagFest...wow! That's really pinching the sides of my head! I can see through time and hear colors! Wow! Mmm! Well, thanks for Feed Dumping! Unnnhh! {HOLDS EAR, TO BEEJ} You can hear that, right?
Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah.
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{SHOT OF GRAHAM HOLDING TIARA}
Graham: Also, it can be the most painful visor in the world. {PUTS TIARA ON OVER HIS EYES}
Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Because it also has the claw...
Graham: Oh, there we go. Oh, that's RIGHT on my temples! {SWATS AT INVISIBLE NOISY COLORS}
