World's Best Known Warlock Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump World's Best Known Warlock

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, coming to you this week From the "Desert Bus Prize Mines". Why? Because we are property disasters. And I am "a basement flood"...like what happened for real!

{CUT TO GRAHAM EARLIER IN A CHAIR IN THE "MOONBASE". THE CARPET'S BEEN TORN UP AND A FAN IS RUNNING FULL BLAST TO DRY WHAT'S LEFT. THE SHELVING AND THE STUFF ON IN LOOK UNHARMED.}

Graham: {TALKING LOUDLY ABOVE FAN} See? They took our carpet away and it smells like wet dog anus!

{CUT BACK TO "PRIZE MINES"}

Graham: Joining me this week is "a leaky roof"...

Beej: Dodged a bullet this time but I'm still in the pool.

Graham: ...and...a "Category 5 dooker"?

Kathleen: Is it stanky? Is it danky? It's all of the above!

Graham: I don't think that's on the same level as "leaky roof" and "flooded basement".

Kathleen: That's because you've never been on the receiving end of the "Category 5 dooker"!

Graham: I have no comment.

{TITLE: CATEGORY 5: STILL LESS MOIST THAN OUR SET}

Graham: A West Virginia assistant prosecutor has been suspended after pulling out a gun at his office and terrifying his fellow employees by threatening to shoot plastic Halloween decoration spiders.

Beej: As a prosecutor, shouldn't he be a little more concerned about obeying the law? Does West Virginia HAVE a "stand your ground" law when it comes to spiders? I mean, I'd imagine he would know.

Kathleen: Beej, he almost shot a plastic Halloween spider. I'm not convinced somebody THAT smart has a good grasp of the law!

Beej: No, no. Firearms are a perfectly reasonable way of dealing with childhood fears. I have shot many a clown myself.

Graham: The arachnophobic prosecutor DID assure his supervisor that the gun wasn't loaded. {PAUSE} "So why do you HAVE it, then," I guess is my question.

Beej: {AS PROSECUTOR} Sometimes you just wanna look hard in front of all them spiders!

Kathleen: {AS PROSECUTOR} How else you gonna scratch yer wee-wee if you don't have a gun?! You can't put yer hand down there; God told ya NOT t' touch it!

Beej: {AS PROSECUTOR} I need t' have TWO guns in order t' go t' the bathroom properly. I ain't a fool, though; they ain't loaded!

Kathleen: {AS PROSECUTOR} They like large cumbersome chopsticks...those things y'get at Panda Express.

Beej: I'm frankly shocked that guns laws have gotten so lax you can just get a new gun at Panda Express.

Kathleen: It's West Virginia. It's part of the "A" Combo. You can have that instead of an egg roll.

Graham: Someone taking out a restraining order isn't inherently funny. But in Salem, Massachusetts, the self-proclaimed "Hereditary High Priestess of Witchcraft" has just taken out a restraining order against the self-proclaimed "Best Known Warlock in the World".

Beej: OK, to be fair, maybe it's just me...But I don't actually know who the "Best Known Warlock in the World" is. Is that MY fault? Or does that mean it's not working properly?

Kathleen: Wait, "Hereditary High Priestess"?! I was not aware that witches pass their titles down, like, through inheritance. Like baronette or duke. Also...Salem...Salem, Massachusetts...New World...America...doesn't like the King...had the whole thing with the tea about that, in fact...I thought we came to America to get AWAY from that! And now you're telling me there's hereditary titles just floating around?! I want one!

Beej: Or, at the very least, it should be a meritocracy! I mean, I wanna chance to be a witch!

Kathleen: {OFF CAMERA} No, no. YOU have to be a warlock.

Beej: {ANGRY} MISANDRY!!

Kathleen: I will settle for nothing less than Baroness...which is a sweet band, by the way.

Graham: In case you're interested in the REAL facts of the situation, the "witch" says that the "warlock" is harassing her and making obscene phone calls. The "warlock" says that he is doing no such thing and that the "witch" is upset because his business is doing better because Salem is all about creepy tourism.

Beej: Harassing phone calls? Dude, can't you cast, like, a hex? Isn't that what your shit's all about?!

Kathleen: This is why, despite the fact that he's the self-proclaimed "Most Famous Warlock in the World", we haven't heard of him. Can't even do a hex! I could probably do a hex if I tried hard enough.

Beej: To be fair, I mean, we don't know who SHE is. So maybe his business IS doing better. But, based on this, I sure as hell am not gonna shop there.

Graham: {READING FROM iPHONE} Her name is Lori Sforza, she's the Head Mother of Our Lord and Lady of the Trinacrian Rose Church and she is 75.

Beej: "Sforza"? She makes a really good racing game!

Graham: Georgia authorities are trying to figure out how inmates at DeKalb County Jail were able to successfully film and post to YouTube a rap video of them with contraband in the jail.

Beej: {HOLDING UP iPHONE} These new iPhones are amazing. Such good cameras.

Kathleen: Duh, Graham, how are you supposed to look "Hard AF" if you don't have contraband? Like my new rap single. {RAP BEAT STARTS, KATHLEEN HAS BOX CUTTER IN HER HAND} "I'm Hard AF/I'm a hard motherfucker/Look at me now/Brandishing a box cutter!"

Beej: Kathleen, you make a good point. But, I mean, there are varying levels of what constitutes contraband in prisons. {HOLDS UP STARBUCKS CUP} For example, look how "Hard AF" I am.

Kathleen: {HOLDING BOX CUTTER} Beej, do you know what "AF" means?!

Graham: The article kind of played it up by calling it a "rap video". I was expecting, y'know, any sort of choreography or editing...{LOOKS AT iPHONE}...but I'm watching it and it's just, like, five or six guys KINDA moving ROUGHLY on beat into what looks like a laptop webcam.

Kathleen: Eh, so what if they're being investigated? Who cares? What's the worst that can happen? They're already in prison. What I really wanna know is whose song they're, like, making this bad video to. But, unfortunately, everybody involved - from the reporting at the television station to the commenting here - is super-white and, so, I don't know whose song that is.

Beej: {WEARING AN ORANGE JUMPSUIT (VAGUELY LOOKING LIKE A PRISONER) AND BOPPING TO MUSIC NEARBY} Being white has never stopped me before. I've ALWAYS been "prisoner" to a funk fresh flow.

Kathleen: {HOLDING BOX CUTTER WHILE MUSIC STILL PLAYS} "Why do you have that box cutter all the time, Kathleen?" Oh, no reason. Sometimes you NEED it. {TURNS BOX CUTTER IN HAND TO A STABBING POSITION. LOOKING TOWARDS BEEJ}

{MUSIC STOPS}

Graham: {NERVOUSLY} And we're done! Yeah, everything's fine and we're done now. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have..{PUTS ON A BISON TOOK, STRAPPED AROUND THE CHIN BY VELCRO}...THIS hat, which is an entire bison...engulfing my head. Um, there was a note with it...that told us who GAVE it to us...but then we had a basement flood. So,...{POINTS TO CAMERA}...thank YOU, person who gave us an entire bison as a hat. {PLAYS WITH "BISON"'s HOOVES ON THE TOP OF THE HAT} Yeaaa. Those were its HANDS, right?

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT TO JUST BEFORE TAPING; GRAHAM POINTS TO THE iPAD BEHIND HIM THAT HAS THE "FEED DUMP" LOGO ON IT LIKE THE TV NORMALLY DOES IN THE REGULAR SET}

Graham: {TO KATHLEEN OFF-CAMERA} Does this (the iPad) look like shit? It looks like shit, right?

Kathleen: {OFF-CAMERA} It kinda looks a bit shit.

Graham: All right...

Kathleen: {OFF-CAMERA} It's a bit shit.

Graham: It's a bit shit.