The Stages Transcript

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Transcript for The Stages.


{Scene opens with Graham sitting on a bed talking to someone on the phone.}

Darryll (Graham): I thought so too, but apparently the answer was in medias res. I know, exactly! This is an English class, what are we getting all these Latin words for, it's ridiculous. So after that he said- oh, hang on, I got another call coming in. {Presses button on phone} Yello? Yeah, that's me. Yeah. Okay. {Drops phone with a look devoid of emotion}

1. Denial

Darryll: Hi, I'm sorry, I must have misheard you there, could you repeat that? Yeah, and what name was that under? Okay, I see, nonono, I see where you're getting confused; My name is Darryll with two Ls, so you're probably confusing me with somebody else. It's and honest mistake, happens to me all the time, I- yes? No, that's Darryll with two Rs and two Ls. Are you sure it's not worth double-checking? You're that sure.

2. Anger

Darryll: {Bold indicates a rapid close-up} Oh, well that's just perfect. You don't think you guys could have called a little earlier, do you? Maybe while you were all busy standing around trying on each other's stethoscopes, one of you could have thought: "Hey, we should give that Darryl guy a call, 'cause we have some important information he really should know before he invites his girlfriend over. No, actually, I think this is a completely appropriate tone of voice!"

3. Angry Denial

Darryll: {Standing up} You know what? I think you guys are just messing with me. And I bet you think it's real funny. Yeah, you probably all sit around huffing laughing gas and thinking to yourself: "Hey, let's call up this guy and tell him his dick is broken, that'll be good for a laugh!" Well you've a pretty screwed up sense of humour! Yeah, you have a good day too! {Closes phone and throws it away}

4. Grasping At Explanations

Darryll: {In thinking position} How could this happen to me? I bet it was that guacamole I had last week. I thought it looked sketchy. Twelve secret herbs and spices my ass. Señor Picante's got a lawsuit on his hands, I'll tell you that.

5. Overindulgence In Winter Squash

Darryll: {After taking a bite of a winter squash} Well? Anything?

6. Bargaining

Darryll: {Praying} God, I don't ask you for a lot of things, but I'm really in a bind here. And I promise, if you fix me, I will only have sex for procreation. Or for pleasure. Or if I'm bored.

7. Innapropriate (Inappropriate) Pictures

Darryll: {Takes picture of own junk} Okay, it's sending. I- Look I j-, I-, Look I needed an opinion! Yes you're the first person I thought of! Well your dad's the urologist, look you should be flattered. Just tell me what you think. Does it look happy?

7. Paranoia

Darryll: Stupid Jeff. That's what friends are supposed to do, they're supposed to help each other out. Unless Jeff isn't my friend. Maybe he and the doctor are working together. I bet they did this to me and they're sitting there right now, laughing at me. And that girl from the grocery store, I bet she's in on it too. She's always looking at me with those eyes. She's probably a robot.

8. Anthropomorphization And Accusation

Darryll: {To penis} I demand an explanation for these shenanigans! What do you have to say? Talk to me, damn it!

9. Depression

Darryll: {Still to penis} Hey. How come we never talk anymore? I'm sorry I yelled. Oh, what's the point. Nobody cares about me. Even the grocery store robot is only interested in feeding off the electrical impulses in my brain. At least now I'll never have to worry about passing on my obviously inferior genetic material.

9. Acceptance

Darryll: You know, maybe this is all right. Think of all the extra time I'm gonna have on my hands. I'll finally be able to finish that scale model of the Smithsonian Institute of Scale Models and Miniature Replicas I've been working on. Yeah. {Stands up and fastens belt} Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I'm not gonna waste a minute of it.

{Darryll walks out and runs into Jeff holding a winter squash}

Darryll: Oh. Hey Jeff. Whatcha got there?

Jeff (Matt): Nothing. I'm just going through some stuff. {Runs off}