That's Why They Call it a Chub Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- That's Why They Call it a Chub

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK TOQUE THROUGHOUT THE EPISODE} Welcome to Feed Dump, where I are a bit drunk...no, I'm bread. That's it, bread. Uh, I am a "baguette". That means I'm long and I'm thin and I'm crunchy on the outside and occasionally soft on the inside but mostly just hard and dead. Joining me this week is "seven-grain"...

Ian: Six of them are wheat...one of them's Dopey.

Kathleen: ...and "melonpan".

Beej: Fun fact: neither I nor the melonpan taste like melons.

{TITLE: BREAD IS WATER, GRAINS, HOPS AND...YEAST/NEWS (SUBTITLE: OH, CRAP, THAT'S BEER...)}

Kathleen: A California man survived for three hours in the back of a garbage van after he was picked up while he was diving around in a bin for his wallet.

Ian: Best. "Sesame Street" cosplayer. Ever.

Beej: Why the hell would you stay in a garbage truck digging around for three hours in the first place?!

Ian: {TO BEEJ} Simple answer. {TO CAMERA} The wallet was made out of non-recyclable fibers. And there's a hefty fine for mixing your recyclables with your non-recyclables.

Kathleen: {ROLLING HER EYES} He was looking for his wallet, Beej, because, like, his I.D. and all his bank cards were in there! Anyhow, so he's digging around this garbage bin when the garbage truck comes and picks him up and, like, does that flippy thing and dumps into the actual, like, van part. And so he had to, like, use pieces of wood to clamor out of the trash to avoid the in-van compactor as more and more garbage was dumped on top of him. And he was only found after THREE HOURS of this when he was...pooted out in the dump and he was about to get, like, steam-rollered to flatten it out. Because that's what they do at the dump. The only up side? He was from Yolo, California.

Ian: Yolo's marketing campaign this year has been ti-i-i-i-i-ight.

Beej: {DOING A "SURRENDER COBRA" IN FRUSTRATION} NO! We're supposed to be making all the jokes!!

Ian: {TALKING LIKE SCOTTY FROM "STAR TREK"} I'm givin' 'er all I cin, Capt'n! "Star Trek".

Kathleen: {HEAD IN HANDS} Does this mean that Feed Dump is becoming...self-aware?!

{CUT TO WIDE COUCH VIEW OF BOTH BEEJ AND IAN}

Beej: If that's the case, the next story will be about some Florida man and somebody from the UK doing something stupid...

Ian: Um-hum. Trying to smuggle some sort of weapons into Canada, loaded with, uh, lizards who are...

Beej & Ian: ...pregnant with cocaine and SHITTING THEIR PANTS! {DOUBLE HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER}

Kathleen: {LOOKING AT iPHONE} Oh, well, I guess...{SWIPES SCREEN, DISAPPOINTED}...next story then...

Ian: Yeah, I've only been doing it a couple of times, but I've got this Feed Dump shit down pat! "Better sources for news", {PUTS ON FOLDED-NEWSPAPER HAT} "this hat", whatever...{LEANS BACK AND MAKES AN "F-P" SYMBOL WITH HIS FINGERS}..."Feed Dump"! {ENDING SONG STARTS TO PLAY}

{MUSIC STOPS AS WE GO BACK TO THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: {AGGRAVATED} Hey! I can make you and I will BREAK you...as long as I have back-up hosts lined up for the episodes I had you penned-in for! And BESIDES, our next story does NOT involve anything...{TICKS THEM OFF ON HER FINGERS}...about Florida or lizards or cocaine...but it DOES involve a man doing something VERY stupid in the UK...where a pensioner phoned emergency services because he saw two foxes having an abnormally long sex session in his backyard. {BREAKS INTO GIGGLES} He was worried they were in distress. {GIGGLES MORE}

Beej: Let me tell you what constitutes "abnormal". First,...{CAMERA PANS AWAY BEFORE HE CAN START}

Ian: If YOUR vulpes' erection lasts long than two hours, DON'T contact the police!

Beej: In all seriousness, how does he actually know it's "abnormal". I mean, does he have a log book? Has he been keep previous records? Have they been changing positions a lot? Is there a little fox "69" going on? Like, aaa...{CAMERA PANS AWAY BEFORE HE CAN CONTINUE, FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Ian: {HOLDING WATCH AND ACTING AS THE PENSIONER, SPEAKING WITH BRIT ACCENT} They seem to be going an awfully long time. Seem to be enjoying it. Setting a horrible example for younger foxes. I must phone the authorities.

Beej: Kits these days.

{CUT TO WIDE COUCH VIEW OF BOTH BEEJ AND IAN}

Ian: Why was he watching the whole time?

Beej: Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was watching a little bit, got bored, went and made a sandwich and came back.

Ian: Maybe there was more than one fox partner.

Beej: Oh, well, if that's the case, then you definitely call the police when there's a fox orgy on your front lawn. {IAN NODS}

Kathleen: In case you're interested, the foxes were having sex for about twenty minutes and the police were NOT interested in coming out for the call. And, according to a nature expect, that's about normal for foxes. They're just...sexy creatures, I guess.

Beej: I think you mean..."foxy"! {CAMERA PANS AWAY (IN EMBARRASSMENT THIS TIME), FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: Dateline: Crawley, West Sussex, UK. Shoppers in terror after an ASDA supermarket has been overrun with...sparrows. Apparently, they poop on the deli counter.

Ian: Ooo, so what you're talking about is an ASDA with an abundance of avian assbos.

Beej: {POINTING A FINGER AT IAN} That's OUR word!

Ian: "Assbo"?

Beej: "ASDA".

Ian: Why don't they just get rid of them?!

Kathleen: Well, they WOULD except they're a protected species under the Wildlife & Countryside Act of 1981.

Ian: Ah, yes, because there's nothing more "countryside" than the pastoral abundance of the deli counter at ASDA.

{CUT TO BEEJ IN A BLOND WIG AND DRESS IN FRONT OF THE MOONBASE'S "GREEN SCREEN", WHICH HAS THE PASTURE FROM "THE SOUND OF MUSIC" ON IT}

Beej: {SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "THE SOUND OF MUSIC"} The hills are ali-i-i-i-ive with salami meat chubs!

{CUT TO BEEJ REMOVING WIG IN FRONT OF JUST THE "GREEN SCREEN"}

Beej: Hey, kids. We have a lot of fun here on Feed Dump but don't try these stunts at home. After all, you'd be like me and not be able to get out of this dress.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

{CUT TO WIDE COUCH VIEW OF BOTH BEEJ (OUT OF THE DRESS) AND IAN}

Ian: Wonder if their still there?

Beej: What, the meat chubs?

Ian: No, the sparrows. Who buys meat chubs?!

{BEEJ PULLS ON HIS COLLAR EMBARRASSINGLY}

{SHOT OF GRAPHIC WITH A MEAT CHUB IN THE CENTER. ABOVE IT SAYS: "THE MEAT CHUB COUNCIL OF THE UNITED KINGDOM" AND BELOW IT SAYS: "TRY A 'CHUB' TO-DAY!/ROYAL SOCIETY/A DIVISION OF CHESHIRE UPON MEATSLONG"}

Ian: {VOICING OVER IN BRIT ACCENT} This episode of Feed Dump brought to you by Her Majesty's Meat Chub Council of the United Kingdom, a division of Cheshire Upon Meatslong.

{CUT BACK TO CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Bird lovers, don't fear. They brought in "specialists" to try and extract them.

{CUT TO WIDE COUCH VIEW OF BOTH BEEJ AND IAN}

Beej: What, like, ornithologists?

Ian: N-no, Beej. We're supposed to make jokes here on Feed Dump.

Beej: Oh. Oh, like CAT ornithologists!

Ian: Yes.

{IAN SOLO AS THE PENSIONER FROM THE LAST STORY, HOLDING THE WATCH AGAIN} I'm an expert in animal fornication. I'm afraid that that flock of sparrows is going to fuck that German salami.

Beej: {IN EXCITED UNDERSTANDING} That's why they call it a "chub"!!

{BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: All right...that's more than enough of that. I feel we've ALL learned something today about the sex habits of the fox...and Beej? But, remember, until next time: there may be better sources of news but they don't have THIS hat...{SHOW BROWN CLOTH HAT}...which was hand-delivered by Jacob and comes from Ireland. {DONS HAT} And it's really nice. And it goes over my existing hat, quite jauntily. "Duble"-hat.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT TO WIDE COUCH VIEW OF BOTH BEEJ AND IAN, TALKING OF THE LAST STORY}

Ian: I wonder if they're still there?

Beej: {IN SLIGHT BRIT ACCENT} What, the meat chubs?

Ian: {IN BETTER BRIT ACCENT} What, the meat chubs? {BOTH BREAK}

Beej: That's why I did that!

Ian: {IN BRIT ACCENT} No, the sparrows!

Beej: I wanted to do that! I wanted to do it in...the accent, but, yeah.

Ian: No, no...{IN BRIT ACCENT} Oh, I wonder they're still there.

Beej: {IN SLIGHT BRIT ACCENT} What, the meat chubs?

Ian: {IN BRIT ACCENT} No, the sparrows! Who buys meat chubs?!

{BEEJ PULLS ON HIS COLLAR EMBARRASSINGLY}