Santa and Me

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Santa's first choices were probably busy, so he called Graham.

Vital Statistics

Santa and Me.jpg

Date: December 19, 2011

Category: Music

Appearing: Graham Stark, Kathleen De Vere

Writing: Graham Stark

Camera: Paul Saunders

Music: Bradley Rains

Illustrations: LeeLee Scaldaferri

Edited by: Graham Stark


Graham raps about how he and consumer electronics helped Santa save Christmas.


  • Bradley Rains used real horns when recording the music.
  • The song was made available for purchase in the LoadingReadyRun store in tandem with the video going up on the Escapist.
  • The sound effect used for an irate Santa was of Christian Bale during his tirade while shooting Terminator Salvation.


Everybody listen up, I got a story to tell,

about a guy I think you all know pretty well.

So gather round the fire, you don't want to miss this,

the story of how I helped Santa save Christmas.

There I was, deckin' halls and jinglin' bells,

when a holiday ringtone came blowin' up my cell,

"Merry Christmas!" I said with festive delight.

It was Santa; "Guide my sleigh tonight!"

Me and Santa'd been tight since back in the day,

ever since I had to get round back and push the sleigh.

I may have only been about eight years old,

but c'mon, I'm Canadian, we thrive on the cold!

"Graham" he tells me, "I'm in a lot of trouble."

"No worries Chris, I'll be there on the double!"

So layin' a finger aside of my nose,

and givin' a nod, to the North Pole I goes.

I get to the Pole, and Santa's lookin' glum,

"I just don't know what can be done."

Rudolph had lost his nose so bright

that he couldn't even guide a brick that night.

Turns out last June the red nose had bought it.

Rudolph hit puberty, and he lost it.

Now Santa's freakin', and stressin' out,

and it's put the whole fate of Christmas in doubt.

I said "Well Santa, you know I got your back,

I'd take a bullet for you, fight off a shark attack.

As long as I'm here, I'll make this right.

We'll brainstorm even if it takes all night."

"Satellites?" "No." "Helicopters?" "No."

"Strap bats to the bottom and echo-locate?" "No!"

"Come on everyone, get your heads together.

I've looked at the report, we're in for some weather."

That's when it happened; I yelled "Eureka!

Santa look at this app!" "Sure is hot in Topeka."

"No!" I told the delightful old elf,

"You got everything you need, right here on this shelf!"

I said "Yo Santa, you got more of these around?"

"Heck, yeah: ten pallets just for one town.

Nobody wants normal toys anymore,

it's all-" "Is this an iPhone 5? SCORE!"

And I told Santa Claus his freight would be fine.

To keep him both up-to-date and right on time,

he had to come to terms, and face the facts.

Need to guide a sleigh? There's an app for that!

Phones, pads, Sidekicks, PODS and books,

Kindles, Blackberries, Galaxies and Nooks

We strapped them down, turned them on,

and through the fog the great sleigh shone.

Across the sky, like a star!

Reaching children near and far.

We'd actually done it; we'd saved the day,

with Santa's Technographic Wonder Sleigh.

It ripped across the sky like a ribbon of light,

a beacon of warmth on a cold dark night,

and kids from Dublin to Delaware,

could sleep well knowin' Santa would be there.

So as long as you're all still awake right now,

and were paying attention, you all know how

superior tech, and mental fitness,

consumer electronics and I saved Christmas.

Season Eight     Music

◀ ●∙∙∙Formal Complaint     Ways to Ring in the New Year ∙∙∙● ▶
Discuss Santa and Me on LRR
Watch Santa and Me on the Escapist     Discuss Santa and Me on the Escapist
LRRcast: LRRcast for Santa Rings Questionable Death