Rapidfire II - 03

Comedy so fast it makes your performance in bed look acceptable.

Vital Statistics

Date: October 6, 2008

Category: Rapidfire

Appearing: Paul Saunders, Graham Stark, James Turner, Matt Wiggins, Kathleen De Vere, Ben Wilkinson, Morgan vanHumbeck, Jeremy Petter, Nathan Mosher, Johnny Blakeborough, and Laura Harris

Writing: LoadingReadyRun

Shooting: Graham Stark, Paul Saunders

Editing: Graham Stark

Thanks to: Evolution the Club & Marcus Hopson, Fairfield Community Association

Synopsis

Sketches include: Officer Rodriguez and Detective Riley, Bad Pick-up Lines, Shush Guy, Elect Andrew Shepard, the Warriors of Darkness, Church bells, Explanations, and being 'Fridg'd!'.

Trivia

• The Explanation sketch was shot nearly a year earlier during the 2007 Desert Bus
• The postman was Royal Mail because Graham had the appropriate jacket and loved Postman Pat. Additionally, it served as an added gag for British viewers and would seem "like a normal courier service to anyone else."

Transcript

{Derek points at the camera}

Krull: What my friend Derek here would like you to know is that Loading Ready Run is having its five-year-screening on October 18th at the Eric Martin Pavilion. We'll be screening three fan favorites, as well as our Season Six Opener. If you're interested in details, email puny mortal James Turner at {Derek gestures to email address} James at loadingreadyrun dot com. We'll see you there.

{Matt appears from behind Derek}

Matt: Buying a T-shirt.

{Title sequence}

-

{Downward pan to a distant shot of a church. A cacophony of church bells ring.}

Paul: Alright, stop. Everybody stop!

{The ringing stops.}

Paul: What part of that was in unison? Okay... once again. One, two...

{A single bell rings}

Paul: {exasperated} Steve! Come on!

-

{Evolution: The Club. Kathleen stands at the bar. Matt exits with a fruity drink. Nate enters right, removing his shades.}

Nate: Wo-ho-ho, you blinded me with your beauty, soo...better call an ambulance.

{Kathleen gives a searching look to off-camera}

-

{A cement floor with scattered detective-implements and number tags. Pan up past Liebowitz doing detective things to see Officer Rodriguez watching over him. Detective Riley enters right.}

Riley: Rodriguez.

Rodriguez: Riley.

Riley: {to Liebowitz} Liebowitz. {To Riley} So... I hear you're going into the the detective exam.

Rodriguez: Sure am.

Riley: Good luck with that. What happened here?

Rodriguez: Uh... construction accident.

Riley: Or so it would seem.

Rodriguez: Okay.

Riley: Something interesting for ya. You know what I had for breakfast today?

Rodriguez: Cheerios?

Riley: Cheerios. The unsinkable "o", like the Titanic was supposed to be the unsinkable ship. And her sister ships: The Olympic, decommissioned in 1937, and the uh... what was the other one? Liebowitz?

Liebowitz: Uh, Britannic.

Riley: Britannic, mined by the Germans in World War One. They were the three ships in the fleet of the White Star Line. Fifty white stars in the blue field on the American flag, along with red stripes and white stripes. The White Stripes: a contemporary rock band formed by brother-sister duo Meg and Jack White. White Spot: a popular Canadian restaurant chain founded in 1928 by Nat Bailey and home of the Legendary Burger. You guys feel like getting some White Spot?

Rodriguez: Yes!

Liebowitz: Nothin' else to do here.

Riley: Alright. {Begins walking away. Stops and turns.} Oh yes! Bailey, Bailey Pemberton, is your murderer.

Rodriguez: Uh, Bailey Pemberton was the victim.

Riley: Those are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Keep that in mind for your exam, Rodriguez.

{All exit right}

-

{Outside the Andrew Shepard Campaign Quarters. Red and Blue, backs to each other, raise dueling pistols. As they pace out, Laura walks buy, and is promptly shot by both parties. Cut to the inside of the campaign quarters. Pan up to Andrew Shepard standing behind a lectern.}

Shepard: And it is my firm conviction that the passive voice be made illegal.

{The crowd cheers, noticeably louder than in all previous cases}

-

{Evolution: the Club. Kathleen stands at the bar. Nate enters right.}

Nate: Did you call the ambulance yet? {Kathleen gives an exasperated look} Heh. You will.

{Nate exits left}

-

{Distance shot of the church.}

Paul: Alright everybody. One, two... {bells begin ringing, disharmoniously}

Paul: No, no, no. Stop, stop. Stop! {Silence, and then a single bell rings.} Dammit, Steve!

-

{The Kitchen. Graham, holding a Coke can, is talking with Johnny Blakeborough, who is holding a Starbucks DoubleShot.}

Graham: Yes, it's heavily stylized, but I'm telling you, it's based on a historical event.

Johnny: I don't get how 300 half-naked Spartans could hold off a million strong Persians.

Graham: It's strategy. They probably read Sun Tsu or something. {Sighs} Look, okay. {As he says the next bit, Graham positions the referenced objects appropriately.} This counter here: this is the pass of Thermopylae. This winter squash: this is one wall. This yam: this is the other wall. Okay, so it's a bottleneck through here. Alright? This Coke can is the 300 Spartans. Now...

Johnny: One... one... one Coke can?

Graham: Yes.

Johnny: That's that "one"?

Graham: Yes. Red, so that when you cut it, you can't tell that it's bleeding.

Johnny: But, I'm not really seeing one can as 300. I'm having trouble.

Graham: You have no imagination. Wait here. {Exits rear}

-

{At an intersection. A squeal is heard, followed by a crash. Matt climbs out of a red car to confront Graham, who is leaning out the window of a black minivan.}

Matt: Alright you stupid son a a bitch, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you in the middle of the goddamn road? Jesus Christ! What are you doing?

Graham: Shhhhhhhh. {He raises a finger to Matt's lips.}

Matt: No! No way! You're going to pay for this!

Graham: {Raises his finger again} Shh, shh, shhhhhhhh.

{Graham slowly backs off camera, his finger still raised. Matt stares in disbelief.}

-

Morgan: {In a hushed tone} I see someone coming, and he looks like he's poor or something. You know what that means!

{Pan to someone strolling through the campus. A giant fridge falls on them.}

Morgan: {Energetically} You just got Fridg'd! Friiiiiidg'd!

-

{Distant shot of the church}

Paul: Okay. Once more. Are we all ready? Alright. One, two, Three.

{Bells ring discordantly}

Paul: Alright! that's it Steve! You're gone! Nope, It's over. You're done! Get out of here.

{"Steve" is barely seen exiting the church. He takes off his coat and throws it down in disgust.}

-

{Outside the Andrew Shepard Campaign Quarters. Red and Blue attempt to fight, but are being held at bay by Green. A biker goes by, and all three chase after her. Cut to the inside of the campaign quarters. Pan up to Andrew Shepard standing behind a lectern.}

Shepard: Let me stress again: I did not inhale. They were take rectally. And I didn't enjoy it as much as I'd hoped.

{The crowd cheers}

-

{Outside the Warriors of Darkness residence. Jer, as a police officer, walk to the door and knocks. The door opens.}

Ulric: Uh, hello?

Officer: Good afternoon, sir. I was wondering if I could get your help on a missing persons case.

Ulric: Well, I'll do what I can, officer.

Officer: The missing party was Phil Collinson, a Royal Mail delivery man. Went missing during his rounds Monday morning. Apparently this was his last stop.

Ulric: I don't remember seeing him. What was he delivering?

Officer: Not sure, but according to package tracking, whatever it was had a considerable COD charge.

{Krull walks to the door to stand behind Ulric. He's wearing a Royal Mail jacket.}

Krull: Hey Ulric. What's going on?

{Derek walks past holding an opened cardboard box. Ulric sighs and grabs his weapon.}

-

{The kitchen. Now three dozen Coke cans are on one side of the "Pass of Thermopylae".}

Graham: There! Are you happy?

Johnny: {Sheepishly} Yeah. That's... 300.

Graham: Okay, good. So: these represent the 300 Spartans and this... {Graham takes Johnny's energy drink} represents the one million Persians. Okay?

Johnny: One... one million?

Graham: Yes!

Johnny: This is one million Persians?

Graham: {Sighs} Fine. {Moves the can to the sink, and reaches for something behind the army of Coke cans} This partially-eaten chocolate bunt cake is the one million Persians. {Johnny nods approvingly.} Alright? Okay. Now...

-

{Evolution: the Club. Kathleen stands at the bar. Matt walks off with a fruity drink. Nate come in from the left.}

Nate: Are those ass-pants? Because you have a nice butt. - {A distant shot of the church. Bells are ringing.}

Paul: Alright, shut up, shut up, shut up. Just shut up! Shut up! Stop! That's it! Forget it, okay? We'll just go with the tape.

{Sounds of a tape being loaded followed by phat beats being played.}

Paul: Who used my tape?! STEVE! Dah!

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