Difference between revisions of "Qwerpline Ep33 - Beer Fest Transcript"

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'''Announcer''': ...Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello. It's the grand opening up the most comfortable brothel outside of town. Kick back on our luxurious couches and enjoy the relaxing company of our laid-back staff. Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello: we make our own limoncello.
'''Announcer''': ...Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello. It's the grand opening up the most comfortable brothel outside of town. Kick back on our luxurious couches and enjoy the relaxing company of our laid-back staff. Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello: we make our own limoncello.
[[Category:Transcripts]] [[Category:Qwerpline]] [[Category:Qwerpline/Transcripts]]

Revision as of 04:26, 14 October 2019

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep33 - Beer Fest

{LRR jingle and purple LRR logo}

{Music: Qwerpline}

Announcer: You're listing to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello}

Announcer: ...Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello. It's the grand opening of the most comfortable brothel outside of town. Kick back on our luxurious couches and enjoy the relaxing company of our laid-back staff. Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello: drop by and say hello.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, it's Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-Train: Misalign, but just a little bit.

G-Money: You need me to, like, get round back and tap it in?

A-Train: Do we have that kind of friendship?

G-Money: I may not have understood what was misaligned.

A-Train: We'll talk.

G-Money: Sounds good. It's also great to welcome all of you friends who are listening to the show today out there in beautiful Nsburg: where the rubber meets the road.

{Graphic: Town Slogan}

A-Train: I really need to poke the council to find a new dump for those tires.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Yeah. They're threatening to encroach onto the third lane on Intercounty 4.

A-Train: Eh, nobody drives there anyway.

G-Money: I mean why would you?

A-Train: To get away?

G-Money: But then you went up in Heathston.

A-Train: Classic blunder.

G-Money: Yeah. Er-Oh, yes, right the news.

{Graphic and Music: News}

G-Money: Starting at noon there will be a six-hour window where the Thurpston County Nature Preserve will be accepting all unwanted divans, daybeds, chaise lounges and Chesterfields; no questions asked. The offending futons will be cleaned, stripped, and then scuttled into Lake Indian-name to create an artificial trout reef. No settees please, they frighten the fish.

A-Train: I've submitted the paperwork, it's out of my hands. {whispered} I'm so sorry Anesh.

G-Money: And a reminder that 4th Avenue between Rifflethon Boulevard and Chumble Drive will be closed to all vehicle traffic for Thurpston County Nut-con. So head on down and put some nuts in your mouth.

A-Train: Do you listen to yourself while you read these things?

G-Money: What?

A-Train: Never mind.

G-Money: Okay. Well now it's time for sports with Montgomery Kone.

{Graphic: Sports}

Montgomery Kone: Hi there sports fans, you're joining me again, Montgomery Kone. I'm coming at you with the latest in fitness technology.

G-Money: What's that?

Montgomery: Me. Graham and Alex, I'm here to introduce you to Kone-fit.

A-Train: Isn't it pronounced comfee

G-Money: Yeah like duck.

Montgomery: Ain't no ducks but there's a lot of squats.

G-Money: Okay. Well, what's Kone-fit?

Montgomery: You see, I heard about CrossFit and it sounded amazing. But then I went down to the park and I saw Derek dragging around a whole bunch of tractor tires like it was nothing and I thought, "Hmm, this doesn't go far enough".

A-Train: Derek does C...? Oh yeah, that adds up.

Montgomery: Not everybody's got tractor tires Graham and Alex, so I think I need to come up with something simple. But something everybody would do in the comfort of their own home, or even their own garage if they happen to be lucky enough to have a garage like I do.

G-Money: Okay.

Montgomery: To make this work it had to be tight and active, and involve a lot of cardio and focus on strength training.

G-Money: Okay, so what is it?

Montgomery: When you spend 30 minutes a day on Kone-fit, you're gonna see great results.

G-Money: What is it?

Montgomery: I designed this program so that anyone from 9 to 90 can get involved and feel great about their body.

G-Money: Monte, what is it?

Montgomery: I jump through this ladder.

G-Money and A-Train: What?

Montgomery: I got this 15 foot ladder in my garage and I jump through it.

A-Train: And then what?

Montgomery: And then you do it again. A lot.

G-Money: Huh.

A-Train: And fitness occurs?

Montgomery: Yeah. Jackie Chan's one of the fittest 80 year olds I ever seen. I got the idea from watching one of his VHS adventures.

A-Train: He's 62.

Montgomery: Well you wouldn't know it to look at him.

A-Train: You know what, never mind. Tell me more about Kone-fit?

Montgomery: See that's the beauty of it Alex, there's nothing more to tell. You just jump in and out of the ladder till you get stuck or you die.

G-Money: Or until you just stop.

Montgomery: That's quitters talk Graham. Once you get a rhythm going you don't want to stop. You can't stop.

A-Train: I'm reasonably confident I could dissuade myself from jumping in and out of a ladder all day.

Montgomery: Well then you've mastered that ladder Alex. There's no need to be afraid anymore. You won't be afraid of Hun Gar or Qiang Chuan or any other nine forbidden styles.

A-Train: How many of these martial arts tapes did you watch?

Montgomery: Local library has an extensive selection and Montgomery Kone's a very lonely man Alex.

G-Money: Well Montgomery, I think we've rung everything out of this particular topic

A-Train: {whispered} Oh that was a good one.

G-Money: So thanks for telling us all about Kone-fit.

Montgomery: Pleasure to be here Graham and Alex. And remember everybody: master your own ladder, find your own Kone-fidence. That's Kone-fit.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Now as everyone is aware it is an exciting day here in Nsburg, as we are hosting the annual Thurpston County Beer fest.

{Graphic: Therpston County Beer fest}

A-Train: Yep. I lobbied real hard for it to be in Heathston but, er, here it is.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: So we've sent summer intern Derek down to the Nsburg Coliseum to check it out.


Derek: Hi Graham, Hi Alex. It's me, summer intern Derek. And you'll be pleased to know that the mobile broadcast van doesn't smell as much like ham anymore.

G-Money: Wait, you drove the broadcast van down there?

Derek: Yeah. It wasn't as hard to find parking as you'd think.

A-Train: Wait, should he be driving?

G-Money: What? He's not gonna be drinking.

A-Train: Why wouldn't he? He's 19.

G-Money: Yeah, he's 19.

A-Train: What is the drinking age now?

G-Money: Don't you know this?

A-Train: Uh huh.

G-Money: Derek are you drinking today?

Derek: Sure am.

A-Train: ER!

Derek: It's a really sunny, hot day so I've got a bottle of water and I got my favorite lemonade with me.

G-Money: Oh, okay good.

Derek: Yeah I've been used to declare my palette between all the beer.

G-Money: Derek you're not driving the broadcast van back here are you?

Derek: Absolutely not, that would be irresponsible. I locked the keys in the van so Gus wouldn't get any ideas when he came down here later.

A-Train: I should be angry, but that's ... yeah that's, that's a good call Derek.

Derek: Thanks Alex. And hello listeners, it's me summer intern Derek. I am reporting from the Thurpston County Beer fest happening here in beautiful Nsburg at the Nsburg colossalium.

G-Money: Yeah we, we said that. Do you want to start walking around?

Derek: Certainly. As is tradition we'll stop by the most prominent booth at Beer fest, run by the Secret Pipesmen. This year their booth is a one-to-one scale reproduction of Town Hall including animatronic raccoons.

{Sound effect: Raccoon squeeks and hiss}

Derek: Oh maybe they aren't all animatronic. Well anyway they have all the regulars on tap and now this year they're unveiling something new. They're calling it the Boot Lager, and they aged it in barrels that came out of the rum tunnels.

G-Money: Have you tried it? What's it taste like?

Derek: Moldy shoes.

G-Money: Oh.

A-Train: Well it sounds authentic.

Derek: Sure is. Two people already collapsed due to stomach distress.

G-Money: So you won't be going back for more of that one, will you?

Derek: Not a third time, no.

G-Money: Okay.

Derek: Moving on we come to a tent for Lesser Miami's Windjammers Brewery. Their special this year is a Dolphin Bock.

G-Money: What's a Dolphin Bock?

Derek: It's fermented twice, once inside of dolphin. But don't worry the dolphin is dead.

G-Money: Oh good, because that's the part I was worried about. Have you tried it?

Derek: I have indeed. It is reminiscent to thick fish soup. It's got a weird head on it though.

G-Money: What else have you tried?

Derek: Well Heathston has a brewery here that selling pea scrobbler.

G-Money: Is that a beer?

Derek: No, I think it's a typo.

G-Money: Derek, maybe you can try and talk to some of the microbrewers.

Derek: Oh what a novel idea we'll make this an interview.

G-Money: Yes. Please.

Derek: I'll talk to the good people here at Julesberg Lagerworks.

A-Train: How about noooooooo.

Derek: Um okay. Uh, well there's a tiny booth just behind them that nobody's going to, so I bet they have a hidden treasure. Hello brewmaster, please give your name and favourite beer for the audience.

Raphael Crinklestouf: Hello listeners, I am Raphael Crinklestouf.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Raphael Crinklestouf - Local Brewmaster}

Raphael Crinklestouf: And I have been brewing for months, in my numerous kettles, a new eco-friendly beer. I call it Raphael Crinkle-stout.

Derek: Wow you got to name it after yourself?

Raphael: Octothorp branding, my young man.

Derek: May I try some?

Raphael: I don't know. Are you old enough?

Derek: I'm nineteen.

Raphael: Oh. That's a gray area. Have some anyway.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Raphael Crinklestouf - Local Brewmaster}

Darren von Spront: Ah dummkopf, don't put that Crinkle-Scheissen in your mouth. What you need is some of my Sprontium Pilsner. It's very hoppy up front but there's a lingering palate of radium.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Darren von Spront - Local Brewmaster}

Raphael: Get away from my customer, you venomous vulture.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Darren von Spront - Local Brewmaster}

Darren: He clearly was in my airspace. It is a fully legal operation.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Raphael Crinklestouf - Local Brewmaster}

Raphael: I can't believe they're making us share this booth. Also don't you call my beer schiessen. By volume it's barely three percent.

{Caption removed}

Derek: Moving on, I here at another microbrew with ... Oh hi Edith.

G-Money: Edith is running a microbrew?

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts Correspondent}

Edith Slump: Of course not. I'm here to drink beer and get sloppy. But the day is not without artistic pursuits. I've also been ranking the beer labels from most unappealing to least unappealing.

Derek: Oh, what a wonderful way to pass the time. Have you come to any results?

Edith: Oh, Derek I have so many opinions to share. The Grid Flusher, which is an Nsberry Sour from Shuffle Craft Brewing is particularly egregious.

G-Money: That sounds delicious.

Edith: It is delicious, but the label is just picture of the Culvert Grid.

G-Money: EW.

Edith: Yet more unappealing was the Nsburg Brewings Raster Radler.

Derek: Well that tasted very interesting. What was wrong with it?

Edith: Oh, the bear itself was delicious and refreshing on a hot day; but the label is the Raster Heights Down Home, inexpertly rendered in citrus.

Derek: Is that what that was?

Edith: But Derek, my sweet silver child, that one paled in comparison to Chuffield InBev's Tugger's Nut Brown.

{Graphic: Chuffield InBev's Tugger's Nut Brown}

G-Money: Wait, I've seen that label it's just a picture of Tugger Nuts knocking back a beer. What's the problem with that?

Edith: Well Graham, if you analyze the label carefully, you'll see it's not official Tugger Nuts artwork. And you will see that has in fact been lifted from somebody's deviantART page without proper attribution, which as we know is an unforgivable sin.


A-Train: Which? Art theft or fan art?

Edith: The offending artwork was actually commissioned to illustrate a Tugger Nuts fanfic on ao3 called Tugger Nuts: Pleasant Day at the Pool, which is not very good. So the actual artistic problems here are several layers deep, or on at least the sixth circle of hell, which as we know it's copyright infringement and poorly thought out character motivations.

G-Money: That sounds awful. Er, art aside what's your favourite beer of the day been?

Edith: I'm a big fan of the Brown Thrum Barley Wine. The taste is mediocre and the label is tragic, but it's 10% so it's issued me a first-class ticket on the Blotto Limited Express. Choo-choo, full speed ahead.

G-Money: Thanks Edith. Are, are you gonna be able to get home okay?

Edith: Yeah, I'm going to my boyfriend's house. He lives around the corner.

Derek: Yeah, see you later Edith. Jeez guys, I'm really sorry. I didn't know she was gonna be that hammered. Um, well next up there's this-

G-Money: Er, that's, that's okay Derek.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: And in fact we'll have to check back in with you later because right now it's five past ten after the 15, which means it's time to see what Richter has going on up in the QWRP traffic Qwopter. Hi there Richter.

{Graphic: Traffic}

Richter Hammockslam: Hello Graham, hello Alex. It's a lovely day.

A-Train: No, traffic, not weather Richter.

Richter: That's going to be a bit of a problem today.

G-Money: Oh that's neat. Hey, when has it not been a problem Richter?

Richter: As you may be aware, today is in fact Beer fest day. And I, much like many of my brethren, have been imbibing in the local and imported brews.

G-Money: Alex, you hear the Qwopter too, right?

A-Train: Sure wish I didn't.

G-Money: Richter tell me you're not flying the Qwopter right now?

Richter: I am not flying the Qwopter right now Graham.

G-Money: Super. Hey, did you tell me that because I asked you to or coz it's the truth?

Richter: No word of a lie Graham. I am not flying the Qwopter and do not intend to until I am completely sobered up.

A-Train: Everybody's being really responsible day. Did I miss a memo? I-Is this a goof?

Richter: Because of the issue with people leaving keys in vehicles, the locks were removed from the traffic Qwopter which means the only secure place for it without supervision is in the air.

G-Money: So it's in the air, but you're not flying it?

Richter: So I've taken the thing up to 3000 feet and locked myself out of the controls.

A-Train: OH SH-

{Sound effect: Quack}

G-Money: Alex it's ok, calm d-


G-Money: It's ok, you. Pu-it's o-put your head, put your head between your legs. Put your head between your legs. I't gonna be ok.

A-Train: {screaming} UR HUH HUH HUH HUH

G-Money: It's gonna be ok. Richter I have a question. How does, hypothetically, your metabolism line up with the helicopter's fuel consumption?

Richter: Well, if the helicopter's sipping at the same rate I have been today, we could be looking at a photo finish.


G-Money: Richter w-where, like geographically, where are you? Like what are you above now?

Richter: Beer fest!


G-Money: And you're not worried about this?

Richter: Have no fear, Graham and Alex. If, for some reason, the Qwopter loses power before I sober up, it will simply settle to the ground softly, like a leaf on the wind.

G-Money: Yeah, but it won't though.

Richter: I have my faith in gyroscopic stabilisation, Graham. You can have yours in whatever, but I'm sitting here.

G-Money: Gravity. The one that I have faith in is gravity.

Richter: Well I guess we'll just have to see how this plays out then, won't we?


Richter: Back to you in the studio.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Uh, well, um. Now we go back to Derek.


G-Money: We got to do something while Joan calls the National Guard.

A-Train: What are they gonna do? Shoot him down?

G-Money: I mean with any luck. Derek, Derek are you there?


A-Train: You bet Graham.

G-Money: Great. Take it away.

Derek: Welcome back listeners. While you've been listening to what I'm sure is an excellent traffic report by our trusted colleague Richter, I've been poking around more Beer fest and I found a booth where they're making Mead.

A-Train: Like we shall all quaff in Valahala.

Derek: Mead, as you may know, is made primarily from honey and honey, as you may not know, is excreted by bees. And I'm joined here by the queen bee herself.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Lorna Schlitzwhistle - Local Beemaster}

Lorna Schlitzwhistle: Hiiiiiiiiiii.

G-Money: Oh, great.

Lorna: Welcome to Golden Gattis Meadery, where we take natures golden ambrosia and transmute it into incredibly strong moonshine under the rays of our real moon. 190 Proof.

Derek: Wow, that seems high.

Lorna: You will see through time, my friend. And into the spirit veil beyond, where there are many ghosts.

Derek: Is this even legal to sell?

Lorna: No law can stop a pilgrim from voyaging to the spirit realm.

G-Money: Hey, can you just, like, give us your Etsy link or whatever? We'll, we'll, we'll forward it to the liquor board and then we can all move on.

Lorna: Oh no, no, Grant, my friend. You cannot buy this blessed concoction online. It is only available from me in person, as it is kind of explosive.

G-Money: Explosive to your chakras or...?

Lorna: Yes, but also in the more traditional sense of the word.

Derek: Graham I'm not sure I want to drink this.

G-Money: No, I'd leave.

Derek: Oh, good idea. Bye.

Lorna: Namaste.

{Caption removed}

Derek: No, I won't! Moving on briskly, oh here's a booth with a surprisingly long line, but I will use my reported powers to butt to the front. Excuse me, pardon me.

Crowd: Hey! Hey!

Derek: Okay. pardon me.

Crowd: Come on!

Derek: Oh it's the Talc Barn. That's weird, Raymond never has a booth at the beer fest.

{Caption: AT BEEF FEST: Ball Hinkley - Local Powderer}

Ball Hinkley: That's because it's under new management.

Derek: Oh, hi Mr. Hinkley. I-I don't see anything here that looks like beer. Why are all these people lined up behind me?

Ball: I'll be glad to share with you my new innovation in brew mastery. I call it beer powder.

Derek: Beer powder? That doesn't sound very appetizing at all.

Ball: On the contrary, Derek. I think you'll find that my beer powder is not only delicious but it is convenient. And it conceals well in many different pockets and satchels.

Derek: Wait, why would you need to hide beer powder in a satchel?

Ball: Well Derek, some establishments in Nsburg don't take kindly to a man bringing his own alcohol into a sporting event or daycare.

Derek: Well how do I reconstitute this beer powder? Er, do I just use some of my lemonade?

Ball: Well Derek, you do that. Or you could mix it into a suppositorial paste. But I recommend the way that God intended, through the nostril.

Derek: I'm supposed to snort this?

Ball: Just a little bump. Do it good.

G-Money: Derek, please do not snort anything Ball Hinckley has made.

Derek: I think you're right Graham. I'll see you later Mr. Hinkley. Squash on Tuesday?

Ball: Imma have to reschedule Derek I hit you up on Snapchat.

{Caption removed}

Derek: Maybe I should find something more off the beaten path. Oh this booth looks quaint and old-worldly. I bet they've got great stuff here.

{Caption: AT BEER FEST: Old Country Woman - Traditional Brewmaster}

Old Country Woman: Hello.

Derek: Hi. I'm summer intern Berek for QWRP FM. What do you have at your booth?

OCW: Beer.

Derek: What kind of beer?

OCW: Lager. And Stout.

Derek: Oh this stout is very dark. What kind of ingredients did you use?

OCW: Malt.

Derek: Malt?

OCW: Malt.

Derek: Graham I don't know what malt is.

G-Money: I think she's saying malt.

OCW: Yes. From Malta. Old country recipe.

Derek: Oh, is this beer from Malta?

OCW: No.

Derek: Are you from Malta?

OCW: No.

Derek: Oh. Well I guess that makes sense because you said old country and Malta has only been an independent state since 1964. So what country are you from then?

OCW: Old country. We've been for with this before thicc broadcaster boy.

Derek: Okay. Well it can't just contain only malt, there must be something else in it.

OCW: Water.

Derek: Uh huh.

OCW: Hops.

Derek: Ok.

OCW: Yeast.

Derek: Sure.

OCW: And special ingredient.

Derek: Oh! What's the special ingredient?

OCW: Old country recipe.

Derek: Does that mean you're not going to share it?

OCW: Correct.

Derek: Oh well. I bet you I can figure it out, let me try some. Hmm, hmm. I'm getting notes of, um, cherry and some citrus. There's definitely something like, smoky. It's almost kind of burnt. Yeah, like, smoky and burnt and dark.

OCW: You have an excellent palate. It is dark roast coffee.

Derek: Oh. Is this coffee from the old country?

OCW: No. Folgers.

Derek: Oh.

OCW: Now. You try Pilsner Lager.

Derek: Oh, you bet. Oh wow. This is really crisp and it's very clean. It's got like citrus in it must-that's lemon. I taste like some coriander in the backend. What did you put in this?

OCW: Ash.

Derek: Oh. Wait, you put ash in this? You put ash in Pilsner? Why isn't that on the label?

OCW: Who would buy ash beer? Fools.

{Caption removed}

Derek: Guys I think I've tasted too many beers today, I'm having a real sense of deja vu.

G-Money: Yeah, you can probably disengage.

Derek: Yeah I think the less said the better. Um thanks...you. Guys I'm gonna be honest I think I'm pretty much done here today.

G-Money: You had a little too much?

Derek: Yeah. I mean I basically filled my bucket. I got a dump it and go home.

G-Money: What bucket?

Derek: My tasting bucket.

G-Money: You what?

Derek: Yeah, when you taste beer you have to swish it and spit it, right?

G-Money: You're literally the only person that does that.

Derek: You mean I could have been drinking this beer the entire time? Isn't that against the law?

G-Money: Is it?

A-Train: Is it?

Derek: Is it?

A-Train: Actually, you know what, this probably worked out fine.

G-Money: Hey Derek, can you do me a favor and, uh, look up in the sky and tell me what you see?

A-Train: Whoo, right, crisis.

Derek: Oh that's so cool guys. It's Richter in the Qwopter.

G-Money: Okay, so Derek you-

A-Train: {screaming} RUN DEREK, RUN!

G-Money: Yeah. Also make other people run.

Derek: Run? No, I'll, I'll miss, I'll miss the landing.

G-Money: That's the idea.


Derek: Listeners, it's so beautiful. Richter is bringing the Qwopter just lazily down, slowly into the Beer fest, through the, through the open roof. And, and he's now alighted majestically on top of the one-to-one scale reproduction of the Town Hall.

A-Train: What?

G-Money: W-huh?

Derek: Yeah. I wouldn't have expected them to reproduce the helipad on top of Town Hall, but there it is. Oh and here's Richter. He's exiting the Qwopter. He's not locking it, that's kind dangerous. And he's waving to the delighted masses of people and mostly not animatronic raccoons. What an amazing finish to this glorious day.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: I'm so ang-releaved.

G-Money: Are you okay?

A-Train: I'm getting halos in my left eye.

G-Money: You want to go down to the Beer fest?

A-Train: Yeah.

G-Money: Great. We-we're gonna say that that takes us up to the break. When we come back the Nsburg Humane Society is looking for volunteers to help out with the annual raccoon cull. As a reminder, thanks to new county level animal handling regulations the cull is no longer a cull in the technical sense of the word.

A-Train: Well, what is it then?

G-Money: The idea is people are going to give the raccoons some tiny condoms and a stern talking-to.

A-Train: How's that supposed to work?

G-Money: They recommend demonstrating on a sturdy green-bean.

A-Train: Good luck with that.

G-Money: And the Nsburg Girl Scouts have introduced some new cookie flavors. Swing by the range and grab a pallet of Tang-a-logs, which are flavored with orange drink, and their newest cookie: Emories.

A-Train: Those are okay but I got one the other day that tasted like beef stew.

G-Money: Well my personal favorite from the new line is the Marshmallow Smoothbores.

A-Train: Yeah those go down easy, but they hit your stomach like a bomb.

G-Money: And now Jonah and I are gonna try and figure out how we can frame Jimmy Jams Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol for accidentally dialing the National Guard. Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello}

Announcer: ...Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello. It's the grand opening up the most comfortable brothel outside of town. Kick back on our luxurious couches and enjoy the relaxing company of our laid-back staff. Donatello Othello's Mellow Bordello: we make our own limoncello.