Qwerpline Ep32 - Rhythmic Gymnastics Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep32 - Rhythmic Gymnastics

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: Hairy Man makes Merry Pancakes}

Announcer: ...Hairy Man makes Merry Pancakes. A rollicking new web series with a hirsute host griddles fantastic batters into fluffy breakfast delights, this week: marshmallow rhubarb. Hairy Man makes Merry Pancakes: just try his berry flan shake.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg! Big G-money here with A-Train, how's it going Alex?

A-Train: Minimally despondent.

G-Money: That's an improvement over yesterday.

A-Train: It is.

G-Money: Great to hear. And I, too, am feeling great and I hope that everyone out there is feeling great in beautiful Nsburg...

{Graphic: Town slogan}

G-Money: ...future birthplace of King Terrence of Angola.

A-Train: It's so prudent of them to secure lineages this far in advance.

G-Money: I mean, they're taking a real shot in the dark but imagine if they're right.

A-Train: Wait, they're guessing?

G-Money: When it's an educated guess, it's a hypothesis.

A-Train: And when there's money on the line it's gambling. I think I have some business at the town hall after the broadcast.

G-Money: Well all that means for now is that there's an unusually high number of Nsburganites named Terrence, sort of just in case. Anyway it's time for the news.

{Graphic and Music: News}

G-Money: In advance of the upcoming Thurpston County beer festival, Nsburg brewery is holding their annual customer appreciation bring your own keg day. I have also been provided with a not exhaustive list of things that are not kegs: buckets, Solo cups, beer bongs, regular bongs, your lips wrapped around the spigot, dry casks, garden hose, pantyhose-

A-Train: Did someone really try that?

G-Money: I am reading the list I have been given. Which also includes: lambskins, wine skins, raccoon skins, novelty balloons, blowup dolls - erotic or otherwise - grails, chalices and goblets, wheelbarrows, "the copper ton you dipshits stole three years ago", and vape pens. Try the new jelly bean sour.

A-Train: Do we gotta?

G-Money: They sent us some samples, there in the break room fridge.

A-Train: Hey Michael, we got you somethin'.

Michael O'Leary: I'm more a fan of armagnac.

G-Money: And it's that one glorious week of good weather before the snow up in the Oracle Mountain starts to melt so bring the kids and some life jackets to Nsburg Dredge Days. See what you can dig up from the Shaughnessy riverbed. A reminder that Kenneth and Rocko Dalton-Spinelli are still looking for two of the spinners from The Libertine Submarine Limousine and are offering a reward.

A-Train: Man, at last year's dredge day I found like three shopping carts.

G-Money: Oh. What'd you do with them?

A-Train: Left them there? It's catch and release.

G-Money: Well for more on the kind of weather we can expect to enjoy during Nsburg Dredge Days, we go now to Sadie Caspersen. Welcome back Sadie.

{Graphic: Weather}}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Sadie Caspersen - QWRP Weather Reporter}

Sadie Caspersen: Hello, I'm so happy to be back from my vacation. Lennie and I took the RV and we went to Finland.

G-Money: Oh, how was it?

Sadie: Well, after Lana's rash cleared up we thought we needed to go somewhere milder and I'd heard about how beautiful Lapland is at this time of year, so we decided to head up there. And oh my goodness it was amazing, so breathtaking Graham. Lennie didn't like the food but; that's pretty standard, couldn't find any cheeseburgers. But the best part was we thought we would need a passport to go to Lapland, but it's not a separate country. But then we got to Sweden and that was a separate country.

G-Money: What a surprise that must have been.

Sadie: But we did find a very nice caribou herd. They were not good at giving directions but they were nice to look at.

G-Money: So, apart from going to Sweden-

Sadie: No, we didn't go to Sweden because Lenny doesn't like the fish. So he just tootled around in Finland and it was gorgeous. We saw trees and more trees and we thought we saw the aurora borealis, but it was actually just a small fire in the hotel kitchen.

G-Money: Ok what-what-what did you do in Finland then?

Sadie: Well our daughter, Samantha, was so excited when she heard we were going to Finland. As you know she's at the University of Julesburg now, but she did tell us that we needed to get her a Prestigagore (Ed: ?) t-shirt. So we went down to something called the Finnish Death Metal Maniacs Fest and those people had so much energy. It was just so refreshing to see some youth who had so much to say really. But they were sold out of womens medium so we ended up getting her a Black Crucifixion shirt cuz we thought something was a religious message would be nice, but she was a little disappointed when we got back.

A-Train: I can understand why.

G-Money: Ha, how are you even able to read the names of the bands?

Sadie: Oh that was almost a big whoopsie doopsie on my part actually. I almost got her a Sepulco Curse t-shirt until Annie pointed out my mistake. But of course, that's why I keep him around. And to drive the RV.

G-Money: Wow, good for Lenny. Did you, er, did you check out any of the music?

Sadie: Oh, yes we did! We caught a set by a band; oh I got this in my notes, one second: Bumming Ditoris and, ow, they had so much energy.

A-Train: Uuuuuuuh-

G-Money: Don't-don't-don't correct her. Hey Sadie this is all fascinating but what about the weather?

Sadie: Oh, it was beautiful in Finland.

G-Money: The weather here.

Sadie: Oh, right, Dredge Days. It will be great, praise Jesus.

A-Train: And here I thought I got enough of this from Richter.

Sadie: Well as you know Alex, the Oracle mountains do cause a little bit of climate inversion, so our weather tends to be very stable. The full forecast: Tuesday, sunny; Wednesday, sunny; Thursday, sunny; Friday, sunny; Saturday, sunny; Sunday, Jesus; Monday, sunny; Tuesday, sunny-

A-Train: That's great and very useful.

Sadie: I could go on.

A-Train: Oh you did.

Sadie: That's probably for the best cuz Lenny and I are actually getting away this weekend on a little vacation, so I gotta go home and pack. We're taking the RV out to Dakar.

A-Train: That's ambitious.

Sadie: Well Lenny said after our last trip he'd had enough of those Sunday drivers.

A-Train: The rally teams?

Sadie: Let's see if any of them know how to put their foot down.

G-Money: Well thank you for joining us today Sadie, you have fun in Dakar.

Sadie: No we're taking the RV.

G-Money: Well-

{Caption removed}

{Sound effect: honk}

G-Money: Don't encourage her Gus. Well thank-thanks anyway Sadie. Next up it's time for sports with Montgomery Kone.

{Graphic: Sports}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Montgomery Kone - QWRP Sports Reporter}

Montgomery Kone: Hey there, Nsburg sports fans. It's me, Montgomery Kone, here to give you all the sports news that's going on this week. Er, Side Ball's in a bit of a refractory period, um, so I had to go out hunting for sports because I like to get a paycheck. Here in Nsburg, did you know that he have a co-ed rhythmic gymnastics team? They call themselves a Gymtastics. I checked them out...

{Graphic: The Gymtastics)

Montgomery: ...they didn't suck as much as I thought they would, and so I brought on the captain of the team. Introduce yourself to the Nsburg listening audience.

{Graphic: Sports}

{Caption: Live Interview: James Tumbletrubb - Captain}

James Tumbletrubb: Hello listeners, I am James Tumbletrubb and I am the captain of the Gymtastics and we've been tumbling since the 60s, but I've only been captain for the last year or so.

Montgomery: Thanks for coming in today Jimmy. Now when I walked into your, er, dojo the other day I was real surprised because I thought I knew something about rhythm gymnastics but none of y'all were farting around with ribbons like I expected.

James: Well Montgomery, that's a common misconception, we don't just use the ribbons. We've got all sorts of equipment in traditional rhythmic gymnastics. We've got the hoops, we work with the ball, we've got clubs, the net, the trident, and the orb.

G-Money: Sorry, what?

Montgomery: Yeah G-Money, you wouldn't believe it. Like these kids are running around on the mat, hitting each other with the net. It was kind of astounding.

James: The net's one of the most important things for us to train with. You see, rhythmic gymnastics is all about movement and if you're able to confine your opponent and keep them from moving you have a real advantage over them.

Montgomery: It was fascinating to watch Jimbo. I never thought it would have put rhythm gymnastics and unbridled aggression in the same sentence, but you know, here we are.

James: Well Montgomery, it's not actually about aggression. You see this is a judged sport so even if you are actually able to take an arm off your opponents, it's still up to the judges that final thumbs up or thumbs down as to who wins the match.

A-Train: Wow-wow-wow-wow wait. What?

James: So we're really excited for the local blacksmith to finish our team cestus. And that way we can finally start training for regionals.

G-Money: Are you ... gladiators?

James: No, the Gladiators are based out of Chuffield. We're the Nsburg Gymtastics.

Montgomery: I think everyone's been selling rhythm gymnastics real short these days, and I think the crowds that love it if we just got enough people to come out and watch it. So I'm asking everybody, since Side Ball's off this week, you all should come down to the Nsburg Coliseum and really, like, cheer for our team.

A-Train: It's not that kind of Coliseum.

James: Well if you're interested in checking the sport out before you commit to season tickets, you can come down to the south parking lot of Nattering Pines mall. We're having an exhibition.

G-Money: James, could I just rewind to one of the pieces of equipment you mentioned earlier: the orb?

James: Uh-huh.

G-Money: Because you already have a ball.

Montgomery: Look at this neophyte. Doesn't know the difference between the ball and the orb.

James: I know. G-Money, the difference is you can touch the ball. You mustn't touch the orb.

Montgomery: That's all the time today we have for sports. Thanks for coming out today JT. Go check out the Gymtastics. This has been Montgomery Kone, sign out for sports in Nsburg.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Wow uh, thanks-thanks for that.

A-Train: I guess?

G-Money: I kind of want to go check it out Alex.

A-Train: The game?

G-Money: I just got to know what the orb is.

A-Train: I don't feel I need to know.

G-Money: Speaking of unsolved mysteries, we go now to traffic with Richter Hammockslam, up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

Richter Hammockslam: Absolutely terrible, Graham.

G-Money: I'm sorry to hear that?

A-Train: quietly I'm not.

Richter: This time of year is always a problem for me. I have no idea what to do when it comes around to Drudge Week.

G-Money: May recommend giving us a description of the traffic?

Richter: That would require me to take my eyes off the river for a moment, Graham, and I need to know exactly when it's free so I can bring back the water skiers.

G-Money: What?

Richter: Heli-skiing, Graham. It's the new trend.

G-Money: Heli-skiing is when you drop someone off at the top of a mountain and they ski down it.

Richter: I've lost enough customers that way to not fall for that one again. No Graham, this is bringing the mountain to Mohammad. The snow melts on the peaks, comes down the rivers, and runs through Nsburg. And now you can ski from the comfort of your skis.

G-Money: Are you suggesting that people water-ski the Shaughnessy during a flash flood?

A-Train: Y-And where does the helicopter come in?

Richter: Generally at about 45 degrees above them, at high speed. You need to be going at a pretty good clip if you want to stay above the water on those bad boys.

A-Train: So you're dragging a bunch of future corpses down the Shaughnessy, huh?

Richter: Not down; up. And I have to reiterate: future corpses, because of the warning I got from Town Hall when I attempted to have the Traffic Qwopter re-classified as a hearse.

A-Train: It's unusual of you to be so pragmatic Richter.

G-Money: So you are dragging, hopefully ... willing, participants ... upstream ... against the floods ... on what I infer are actually alpine skis?

Richter: Well I wouldn't be towing them unwillingly, Graham, they have to pay me first. Otherwise how could I afford to do this. Also alpine skis are cheaper out of season.

G-Money: But you're not doing that right now, you're watching the river and waiting.

Richter: Graham, it would be irresponsible of me to take customers out on the Shaughnessy without first seeing what bubbles up from the dredging.

A-Train: Would it be too much trouble for you to tell us at least a little bit about the nearby traffic?

Richter: I would love to Alex, but after lengthy negotiations with Captain Gord' of the volunteer coastguard, I am no longer allowed give traffic details relating to the river or other waterways of Nsburg.

G-Money: What about the roads?

Richter: Oh! They're still made of concrete, so no problem Graham. Back to you.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Thank you Richter. Well, next up w-Alex what are you doing?

A-Train: Just checking in on the tracking information for that Stinger missile I bought on eBay.

G-Money: The station owns that Qwopter.

A-Train: This is a gift for the Rocketry Club. Did you think-oh! Yeah, I've thought about it.

G-Money: Well not to give you more dark thoughts; but we go now to summer intern Derek, who is on location at Raster Heights Academy where the last blacksmith in Thurpston County is attempting to find her successor. Hello Derek.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

Derek: Hi Graham, Hi Alex. Man, I always love it when you guys send me to these job fairs, but this is a really different kind of deal.

G-Money: It's not a job fair Derek.

Derek: Oh, I just assumed that's what it was because it involves a blacksmith and they always hold these kind of things at the high school.

G-Money: No, Derek. She's the last blacksmith in the county and she's touring all the high schools to tr-. You're supposed to be telling me this.

Derek: Oh yeah, that's right. You texted me all this. Okay, hang on. Hi Derek here's the information for that story you're doing on the blacksmith, make it sound natural. That doesn't sound like something I'd say Graham.

G-Money: It's not a script Derek.

Derek: No, I figured that Graham. I mean, you didn't even format this properly, my-my dialogue isn't centered and there's no blocking for this scene.

A-Train: Why are you there?

Derek: Because you sent me here. I'm here to interview the last blacksmith about her replacement. Didn't you read Graham's notes?

A-Train: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Derek: Graham, something's happened to Alex.

G-Money: He's fine Derek. Michael's pouring him some Armagnac. Please, continue.

Derek: Oh, if Alex is feeling stressed out, he should take up blacksmithing. Which is something I found it today that not everyone can do.

G-Money: Tell me more.

Derek: Absolutely. Now, the conditions for this ritual to find the next blacksmith is conducted entirely in silence so I will talk everybody through it. That also means that we won't be having an interview today, you'll just be listening to me, Derek. Nsburgs last blacksmith has shown up today and laid a velvet cloth on the floor. It's a beautiful black, like the soot from the fire. On it she's laid five traditional blacksmith tools. I see a hammer, some sort of tongs, an anvil, and some other things that I don't know the name of. They brought in most the kids from the vocational program and some of the kids from the art program, and each of them is taking a turn blindfolded and picking what they think is the correct instrument. Some of the members of Nsburg's SCA are here and the haven't been able to figure out the ritual at all. Also listeners, if you go down to the south parking lot at Nattering Pines Shopping Mall later, they'll be doing an exhibition involving cool things with PVC.

G-Money: So, aside, then listeners: definitely avoid, or definitely attend, the south parking lot at Nattering Pines Mall this weekend.

Derek: Ow, listeners, another student has approached the tools. And they've chosen poorly which is too bad, but don't worry there's another 75 people in line and I'll be here to talk you through how all of them are doing. And now I'm being approached by somebody else with their own microphone, how exciting. Perhaps the interviewer will become the interviewee.

Beatrice Landstraad: Hello honorable and beleaguered listeners of QWRP FM. I am Beatrice Landstraad...

{Caption: AT RASTER HEIGHTS: Beatrice Landstraad - Student}

Beatrice: ...and I have a question for you Derek: what the hell are you doing?

Derek: What do you mean? I'm you're reporting on the news.

Beatrice: I would argue that your reporting is neither thorough nor informative. All you are doing is providing a distraction to what is supposed to be a very solemn ceremony.

Derek: But they're supposed to ignore me. I'm a reporter on the radio. It's like a theater of the mind and I'm a stagehand all clad in black.

Beatrice: Derek, your shirt is bright orange and it's skin tight. It's extremely difficult to miss your stature.

Derek: Why do people keep saying that to me while they're handing me phone numbers?

Beatrice: I guess there's no accounting for taste. Um, anyhow QWRP listeners, allow me to set the stage for you in a theater of the mind; with proper staff and lighting and cues and a sound board that's being manned by not one, but two employees. The scene: the Raster Heights Academy. A long line of students waits anxiously while Dolly Lamarr searches for a successor. Will people choose the correct enchanted tool, or will they be a recipient of the Blacksmith Curse?

Derek: That's pretty much everything I said.

Beatrice: I would argue that mine had more convincing and evocative delivery. I also mentioned the curse, which seems kind of like a big deal.

Derek: There's a curse?

Beatrice: Yes. If you choose poorly you are cursed never to become a blacksmith.

G-Money: This system sounds stupid.

Derek: But it's an Nsburg tradition.

A-Train: Did he stutter?

Beatrice: Hold on a minute A-Train. Now while I hold you in the highest esteem as our Aldersman and one day I would like to work with you, and then replace you and take your job both as Aldersman and morning show radio host; I have to stand up and have to say that traditions are one of the things that really sets us apart. The-according to sociology, humans have traditions unlike orangutangs or chimpanzees or people from Chuffield.

Derek: Yeah guys, I mean if we don't follow our traditions we won't know how to do anything around here. And then the blacksmith's curse will die out.

Beatrice: It will herald in a new age of darkness and poorly forged horseshoes.

Derek: Wow you're really good at this.

Beatrice: Thank you, I'm in the Broadcast Club.

Derek: We should get together and compare notes.

Beatrice: Y-you're not my type.

Derek: This is so refreshing. Normally people just disregard me and call me a tall drink of water but I'm not a tall drink of water. I'm not even a glass. I'm not even allowed to be a keg.

Beatrice: Well, there you have it weary QWRP listeners. As you have heard here thanks to my investigative reporting summer intern Derek is massively sick of being sexually objectified, so cut that out. Also Nsburg appears to be safe from the blacksmith's curse, if the results here at Raster Heights Academy are any indication. Back to you in the studio Graham and Alex.

Derek: Wait I'm being what?

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: We didn't even get to hear if they found the new Dolly Lamarr.

A-Train: Ah, who gives a-

{Sound effect: quack}

G-Money: Probably Dolly Lamarr. But we're coming up on the break, so I guess that's it for that story. When we come back, come on down to the town square for "Can you out-blow an octogenarian?" Yes, the Lesser Miami warning horn is on tour and their designated horn blower Cyril Puffman is here. Come meet the last remaining Lesser Miami blowhard and participate in the third annual interjurisdictional honk off.

A-Train: Don't forget what we learned from the second annual honk off and bring your own disinfectant wipes.

G-Money: And the Nsburg Scandinavian Society is opening their ceremonial time hakarl from 12 years ago.

A-Train: Ooo, what's in it?

G-Money: Just the rotten shark. But it's wrapped in newspaper to keep the moisture out; and the newspapers are full of optimistic musings about the future of social media, so it's a window to another time. Stick around more Qwerpline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: Hairy Man makes Merry Pancakes}

Announcer: ...Hairy Man makes Merry Pancakes. A rollicking new web series where the hirsute hosts grills fantastic batters into fluffy breakfast delights, this week peanut butter cyclone. Hairy Man makes Merry Pancakes: for when every Ameri-can wakes.