Difference between revisions of "Qwerpline Ep31 - Student Strike Transcript"

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Transcript for [[Qwerpline Ep31 - Student Strike]]
{{QwerplineTranscript|Qwerpline Ep31 - Student Strike}}
''{LRR Logo jingle}''
''{Graphic: purple LRR logo}''
''{Intro music}''
'''Announcer''': You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
'''Announcer''': You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
Line 308: Line 302:
'''Announcer''': ...The Spiteful Rifle Trifle. Smack some boys with a cast-iron griddle and do flips while riding Eastern European kerosene burners. The Spiteful Rifle Trifle: these antics are an eyeful.
'''Announcer''': ...The Spiteful Rifle Trifle. Smack some boys with a cast-iron griddle and do flips while riding Eastern European kerosene burners. The Spiteful Rifle Trifle: these antics are an eyeful.
[[Category:Transcripts]] [[Category:Qwerpline]] [[Category:Qwerpline/Transcripts]]

Latest revision as of 07:23, 20 October 2019

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep31 - Student Strike

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: The Spiteful Rifle Trifle}

Announcer: ...The Spiteful Rifle Trifle. Get out of your plane and into an island full of angry boys who are killing each other for dinner. The Spiteful Rifle Trifle: it'll keep you busy till nightfall.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

Big G-Money: Good morning nsberg! Big G-Money here with A-Train, how's it going Alex?

A-Train: Properly aligned.

G-Money: Always good to hear.

A-Train: I dressed to the left.

G-Money: TMI my dude, I don't need to know that. But I'm just glad you're feeling well and hopefully everyone out there is feeling well in the city I live in the city of ensberg.

{Graphic: Town slogan}

G-Money: It's time for the news. Wow I'll tell you why.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-Money: This week you can come on down to the Novel Hovel to hear noted Lesser Miami author Cheryl Bernut-Poultice read from her latest book of poetry: Ode to Several Raccoons I Found Lodged in my Car's Radiator One Autumn Morning.

A-Train: Uh no?

Edith Slump: I hate it when artists feel the need to make their work more commercial. I wouldn't bother going Graham. Ode to Several Raccoons I Found Lodged in my Car's Radiator One Autumn Morning is just a pale shadow of Bernut-Poultice's previous work: Two Dead Swans Rotting, Occasionally Turning and then Sinking into a Stagnant Pool. I would just stay home and reread that instead.

A-Train: Also no?

G-Money: Well if you're looking for something else to do in town this weekend, Amateur Night makes its long anticipated return at Piddlers Comedy Club on Saturday night. After a four-month hiatus for safety fence installation come try out your new material in Piddlers brand-new, ISO-certified Joke Delivery Zone. As always admission is by donation to the Girl Scouts. Minimum suggested donation is five dollars or a package of .388 lapua magnum rounds. And speaking of long shots, it's time now to check in with Richter and see if he has any traffic news for us from the QWRP traffic Qwopter. How's it going Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

Richter Hammockslam: Hello Graham, hello Alex. And welcome to Suzy Q's birthday!

G-Money: Is that your new nickname for the Qwopter? I don't...

Richter: Ah silly Graham, you know objects don't deserve names. No, Suzy Q is the person that rented me for today. It's her special day, it's her birthday.

G-Money: I'm sorry Richter, where are you?

Richter: I don't want compromise anyone's op-sec Graham, but I am in the backyard of a prominent Raster Heights family.

G-Money: A family whose last name begins with Q, Richter?

Richter: Perhaps we've said too much, but I can't say enough about how fun it is to have me at your party.

G-Money: You're doing it again, aren't you? You're doing a side gig while you're doing your-wait. Are we the side gig? Richter you'd tell us if we were the side gig.

Richter: That's for me to know, and you to find out. Just like how much fun it is to have me at your party. You can have Richter Hammockslam, radio personality and traffic reporter extraordinaire, appear at your birthday, wedding, anniversary, lunar birthday, or live birth-day.

G-Money: If you're promoting yourself as a traffic reporter I think there's grounds for a false advertising case.

Richter: Graham, have you ever heard me give a good traffic report?

G-Money: I'd argue you have to give a traffic report for it to be good.

Richter: Then what are your qualifications to judge on the quality of my traffic report. QED.

G-Money: Richter, I am positive you're using QED wrong.

Richter: That's right for just a low fee of 399 dollars, I will be willing to show up at whatever social functions you have to give my three minutes speel. Considered in the cost of keeping the Qwopter filled up and my time floying out to your function, that's quite a value.

G-Money: Richter you could probably charge less if you weren't flying our helicopter to Bar Mitzvahs.

Richter: That's right, I'm available for Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs and Quinceaneras; human and cat.

G-Money: Well Richter I-all right, fine. How about this? What's the traffic like in the pullthru under the Quackenbush is Porte cochere.

Richter: Well Graham I don't want to hop on you to keep the identities of my clients on the down-low, but I will say this if you are late to this party and you are pulling onto the driveway traffic is bumper to bumper. You may want to take an alternate route. I would recommend helicopter. This has been Rickter Hammockslam, party animal, registered brisea and Sting-certified Chemtrix sex sensei, signing off. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-Money: Sounds like a fun party honestly. Anyway happy 3rd birthday to Susanna Quackenbush. And now we have a special guest in the studio it's Raster Heights Academy Student Council President, Beatrice Landstraad, Who is here to talk to us about the upcoming students strike. Because she said it was very important. And that local media should cover it. And she wrote a series of emails to station manager Joan, and myself, and Alex, and Michael, and Jimmy Jams and the Prank Patrol. And at a certain point we just decided sure. So hi Beatrice, thanks for joining me today.


{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President}

Beatrice Landstraad: Hello Graham thank-thank you for having me. I'm Beatrice Landstraad and I am the President of the Raster Heights Academy and I'm here to talk to you today because the school administration has-has-has given us a great burden and placed a great injustice upon us and it's very important that the public hear our story of oppression.

G-Money: As I understand it they moved perogy day.

Beatrice: That's correct.

G-Money: Well Beatrice it has been a pleasure.

Beatrice: Wait-wait-wait. Excuse me. That has a lot of ramifications for the student body at Raster Heights Academy. Because pierogi day used to be on Wednesday but now it is on Thursday that means that it directly conflicts with the Sideball Team practice and the Sideball players are unable to join the lineup. Which means by the time that everyone on the Sideball Team and everyone who volunteers at the Sideball Team Booster Club, which I am vice-president of, gets into line, all of the bacon and cheese pierogies are gone.

{Caption change : IN THE STUDIO: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President, Sideball Team Booster Club Vice-President}

G-Money: So-

Beatrice: Spinach and ricotta is no substitute for the delicious smoky taste of bacon after a hard Sideball practice or a hard session of cheering on the Sideball team. They also raised the price of melon bread by 25 cents which has placed undue financial hardship on a large portion of the eighth graders that at-attend our school.

G-Money: Which portions?

Beatrice: The Manga Club, of which I am the treasurer.

{Caption change : IN THE STUDIO: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President, Sideball Team Booster Club Vice-President, Manga Club Teasurer}

Beatrice: I am also the President of the Radio Broadcast Club.

{Caption change : IN THE STUDIO: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President, Sideball Team Booster Club Vice-President, Manga Club Teasurer, and President of the Radio Broadcast Club}

Beatrice: So it is a great honor for me to be here in the same studio that Jimmy Jams and Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol will be in, in a mere few hours.

G-Money: Oh. Well I can't really say you've had the the full Jimmy Jams experience unless you've been downwind of him. Um, so perogies ... is why you're going on strike?

Beatrice: That's-that's correct, yes. The student body at Raster Heights Academy has had enough of our freedoms being violated and our rights, being disrespected, so we've organized for a general strike on Monday. We will not be going to class, instead we will be heading downtown to the coffee shop on 4th Avenue so we can protest while enjoying a selection of cookies and baked goods that should be available in our own cafeteria, but are not.

G-Money: This seems like an overreaction.

Beatrice: Well, the original plan was to go down to the town hall and dump a large vat of pierogies and sour cream into the fountain, but after we negotiated down from that stance. So I feel this is a fair and measured response to the hardships that we are facing at Raster Heights Academy.

G-Money: Sounds like everyone's just cutting class.

Beatrice: While I can't speak to the motivations of my-of all of my comrades at Raster Heights Academy, I believe this is a fair way to exercise our voice as free citizens and a democratic society. And also to block traffic because we will be blocking traffic.

G-Money: What we're like in Raster Heights?

Beatrice: No, downtown. I-I don't want to divolge the exact location, because our protest and our cause is extremely important, and I-I want to preserve the element of surprise and disruption that will-will be on our side. And I think it's important to fight the power and rise up and unify as one for pierogi day back on Wednesday. And also 25 cents off the price of melon bread.

G-Money: All right Beatrice well you've delivered your message-

Beatrice: Hashtag pierogi Wednesday on Instagram.

G-Money: -Advertised your hashtag, given us as good a traffic report as we ever get. Is there anything else you want to say before I let you go?

Beatrice: Yes actually. Because I am the President of the Radio Broadcast Club at Raster Heights Academy, I have a lot of experience in journalism and radio technology and I would just like to say that when you're current and summer intern's term is up, please consider me for any positions that may be opening. I can provide a resume and references upon request.

G-Money: I'll mention it to Joan.

Beatrice: I already have her email but thank you.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-Money: Ah youth. Speaking of youth; thanks to the numerous and passionate responses from you listeners, we do know the location of summer intern Derek, and yes he is indeed still at the Bumper Farms Escape Field.

{Graphic: Bumper Farms Escape Field}

G-Money: Joan chucked a battery backup over the fence and now we have him on the line. Hello Derek.


Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex.

A-Train: You sound awful chipper for somebody who spent three days outside in a field.

Derek: It's my radio persona Alex. I always have to be broadcasting positive energy to all of our listeners.

G-Money: But how do you feel really?

Derek: I'll ask the questions Graham.

G-Money: I'm worried you're not getting enough fluids. Joan's out doing the monthly supply run, she could get like a Capri Sun or something and just kind of huck it your way.

Derek: Oh come in really handy guys I think I'm gonna need a straw for the next part of the puzzle.

G-Money: Right. I guess describe what it is that is happening to you.

Derek: You bet. Fellow listeners I am at the site of Father Garanton Bumpers Corn Corridor, which were very popular last year amongst all of you. It has since burned to the ground and he has erected a 300 yard-square of chain-link fence and concertina wire. And has now dubbed it the Escape Field. I have found it very challenging.

A-Train: Yeah, you've been out there for three days Derek.

Derek: But I'm not alone I can see Father Bumper in the central control tower.

{Caption: AT THE ESCAPE FIELD: Granton Bumper - Owner}

Granton Bumper: Howdy boy, you've been out there a long time. You're sure you don't need any hints?

A-Train: What the hell was that.

Derek: I think it's called a voice modulator Alex.

A-Train: Father Bumper are you listening to the radio? Free Derek now.

G-Money: Give us back our intern. People are startlingly upset.

A-Train: If he doesn't come back, I'm gonna be the one who has to finish detailing the van.

Granton: Oh you'll have your intern back right as rain, as soon as he finishes escaping from this field. Which I might add is not technically impossible.

Derek: But all the puzzles have really thrown me for a loop. I mean what am I supposed to do with this padlock?

Granton: You mean you haven't yet found the key? Did you check over on the west side next to the Towers of Hanoi?

Derek: That was a rhetorical, had-hitting question Father Bumper. I can do this myself I don't need your hints.

Granton: Well that's up to you. You do know that every hour cost you another $15.

A-Train: SORRY! WHAT?!

Derek: You sent me here to get the story Alex. The only way to get the story is to live this story and I'm not dead yet.

A-Train: No story from you is worth more than a thousand dollars.

G-Money: I'm gonna text Joan and mention that you might want to get a couple fewer pens.

Derek: Can I still get that Capri Sun?

A-Train: Sure I'll see if I can squeeze it in next year's fourth quarter budget.

Granton: You saw the sign when you came in boy: no outside food or drink.

Derek: Well guys before I do the rest of the interview, I need to get out of this field so I'm gonna take stock of the situation I'm in. Um let's look-let's look at all the things I have. I am at a padlock and I have a square crank and I have a copper gear and a cat's-eye marble and I have this blue key.

A-Train: You have a key?

Derek: Yeah, Puzzles the Clown gave it to me when I came in.

A-Train: Puzzles the... Try the key in the lock Derek.

Derek: That's dumb Alex. It's a combination lock, how am I supposed to use a key with all these numbers on it in the lock?

G-Money: I'm a text Joan again and see if there's enough of a run up on the driveway that she can crash through the fence and just get Derek out of there.

Derek: I think that would be construed as cheating Graham.

G-Money: Uh-huh

Granton: I would go ask, boy, for you too not vandalize my property. You sure you don't want another hint? Even at a discount?

A-Train: The hints are extra?

Granton: Three for eighty. Best value.

Derek: I didn't want to run up the budget Alex. And besides I've seen lots of people escape from here. Sandra Brentmore got out ten minutes ago. Admittedly she used the secret passage to the Rum Tunnels.

Granton: That is not an authorized exit. I have to lay some asphalt down over top of that.

G-Money: Derek.

Derek: Yeah Graham?

G-Money: The numbers on that key you have.

Derek: Uh-huh?

G-Money: Try putting those into the combination lock.

Derek: Well it's not RFID activated. Do you think it might be magnetic?

A-Train: Just enter them in Derek. Why is everybody upset that you're gone?

Derek: You mean just spin the dials until they match? There's no way that's gonna work, this is a diabolical field Alex.

{Sound effect: Combination lock spinning}

Derek: Oh wow! It worked! It just goes to show you that sometimes the simplest answers to the puzzles are the simplest answers.

G-Money: So is that it? Are you out?

Derek: No, now, I'm in stage 3a.

G-Money: I don't have a good frame of reference for what that means.

Granton: It's a branching storyline, so there's really no sense beginning or end. You just have to find your own way to navigate this narrative.

G-Money: Could you navigate Derek to the exit please?

Granton: Oh that's gonna be a problem. Hes going to start digging in the fields and locate the copper capybara.

Derek: WOAH! Spoilers, Father Bumper!

A-Train: Alternately just let him out, so that I can stop reading this angry black fax.

Granton: Y'all keep saying let him out like I've locked him in or something.

G-Money: What?

Granton: Forceably keeping people to get to their will is unethical and illegal.

Derek: I'm not gonna give up on my dreams. I started this puzzle and I'm gonna see it through, even if it bankrupts the station.


G-Money: AH! Derek, Derek. Look, look. There's breaking news back here at the studio and oh, the-the only thing that can break the news is hard-hitting questions.

Derek: Oh my goodness. Father Bumper, I gotta go I'm gonna go break the news. Can I come back here later you finish this?

Granton: Oh Derek you're welcome come back any time but remember everyone who enters must pay a terrible price. 14.95 for the first hour, no free reentry.

G-Money: Ok. Well, now, we have to find some sort of news that Derek might care about, which means it's time for the break. When we come back, let's hope it's sunny on Sunday for the first annual nsberg Mock Rock River Welk walk for a walk.

A-Train: Pardon me?

G-Money: Participants will traverse a ten kilometer route of nsberg's most scenic culvert grid in support of the endangered nsberg Mock Rock River Welk. All funds raised by the Mock Rock River Welk walk for a walk will go to the organization and planning of a better fundraising walk later this year.

A-Train: I'm surprised they didn't think to sponsor the show.

G-Money: Well maybe when they save up for that second walk. Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: The Spiteful Rifle Trifle}

Announcer: ...The Spiteful Rifle Trifle. Smack some boys with a cast-iron griddle and do flips while riding Eastern European kerosene burners. The Spiteful Rifle Trifle: these antics are an eyeful.