Qwerpline Ep27 - Farmer Bumper's Cornhole Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep27 - Farmer Bumper's Cornhole
{LRR Logo jingle}
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Announcer: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by …
{Graphic: The Unmatured Druid Fluid}
Announcer: … the Unmatured Druid Fluid. A forest fresh mixture of hemlock and elderberry, perfect as a starter for your own homemade fermented beverages. The Unmatured Druid Fluid, it's best when you brew it.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg. It's Big G-money here with A-train, how's it going Alex?
A-Train: Really sore. I tried yoga last night and I'm kind of wishing I'd nama-stayed at home.
G-Money: Do you prefer doing it on your own? The groups make you nervous?
A-Train: Yeah.
G-Money: Do you think you'll go back?
A-Train: Might be a bit of a stretch.
G-Money: Fair enough. Well hopefully it's not a stretch that you at home are having a great day in scenic Nsburg: Things look different here.
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A-Train: What things?
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G-Money: Dinner rolls, sheep, and the color chartreuse, it's slightly paler.
A-Train: Than where?
G-Money: I'm just reading the branding guidelines Nsburg tourism sent over. Who knows what they're smoking down there. And now the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-Money: Nsburg community theater is holding open auditions for the role of the turkey in their Thanksgiving production of Equus but with turkeys.
A-Train: Ooh! Does it still have the ...?
G-Money: Oh yeah!
A-Train: Okay so it's not for children then.
G-Money: No. it's all ages.
A-Train: It shouldn't be.
G-Money: And in Harvest Festival news the arranged marriage between Nsburg Harvest Queen Agatha and Chuffield Pumpkin Duke Steve II will be held this weekend at the politically unaffiliated Shaughnessy mudflats go-kart circuit out on Highway 3.
A-Train: I'm worried that this union is gonna upset the balance of Harvest Festival power.
G-Money: You're not the only one. While Jules Berg's Young Harvest Princess Emma still sits on the Straw Throne making her the most powerful Autumnal Regent in Thurpston County, local royal watchers are speculating Heathstone's Fall Princess Arafira and Lesser Miami's Gourd King Doug will be the next to seasonal monarchs to unite their houses and their military power.
A-Train: I can't believe all these people are wasting their time jostling for power when winter is coming. I'm boycotting this on principle.
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G-Money: There'll be free nsberry cider.
A-Train: Duty calls as the alderman.
G-Money: And of course we're all hoping for good weather for the wedding and to tell us if there will be any rains or not is Sadie Caspersen. How's it going Sadie?
{Graphic: Weather}
{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Sadie Caspersen – QWRP Weather Reporter}
Sadie Caspersen: Well I'm doing just peachy, thank you Graham.
G-Money: Good to hear it.
A-Train: How was India?
Sadie: Oh Alex, it was wonderful but it was just hot hot hot. Hot as the devil's front teat.
A-Train: Front teat?
Sadie: Oh yes. You know we spent six weeks RVing through the Indian subcontinent and it was a ... it was a real treat. Beautiful scenery but the food was just not great the whole time.
A-Train: Did you try any local cuisine?
Sadie: Oh goodness no Alex, it would have upset my stomach. I couldn't even get a hamburger Alex.
A-Train: They don't eat a lot of beef in India, Sadie.
Sadie: It was a big problem for Lenny though, it's all he likes to eat. By the end of it he was thin as a rake and living off mango lassis. Praise Jesus though he looks great in a swimsuit now.
G-Money: That's ... that's ... that's great ... Sadie. Um …
A-Train: Weather?
G-Money: That one.
Sadie: Why, I already told you. It was as hot as the devil's front teat maybe even his back teat.
G-Money: 'k, see now I have more questions.
A-Train: And one of them is: what's the weather like here?
Sadie: Oh, well Alex this week it's gonna be as moist as Lenny's thighs after we took that dip in the Ganges. Monday rainy, Tuesday rainy, Wednesday rainy, Thursday rainy, Friday rainy. You know what's happening on Saturday?
G-Money and A-Train: Er, rainy?
Sadie: No it's gonna be gorgeous for the wedding. Jesus loves a wedding.
G-Money: Oh, that'll be nice.
Sadie: Sunday rainy, next Monday rainy, next Tuesday rainy ...
G-Money: Ok, we don't need the ... the 14 day, there, Sadie. Thank you, though.
Sadie: It is consistent isn't it.
G-Money: Well you heard it here first everybody get your umbrellas.
Sadie: Or you'll end up wet as Lenny's armpits did after we saw that tea farm in Assam.
A-Train: Ehhh, mmm …
G-Money: Thank you Sadie.
Sadie: Jesus be with you. Or as they say in India: Jesus be with you, but in one of their local languages.
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G-Money: Well I don't know if … he is with us, but … someone sure is. Er, joining us now on the phone is: Rosemary Saltsmith, curator of the Nsburg History Museum.
{Graphic: Nsburg History Museum}
Rosemary Saltsmith: Hello.
G-Money: You're gonna tell us about the current rotating exhibit at the Museum.
{Graphic: LET'S GO TO THE PHONES}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Rosemary Saltsmith – Nsberg History Museum Curator}
Rosemary: Oh, we've got a very interesting exhibit coming up. It's a collection of historical dictionaries and thesauri from Nsburg's past.
G-Money: Oh. Ok.
A-Train: Neat.
Rosemary: I can hear the disappointment in your young voices, but I'll have you know dictionaries and thersauri are extremely interesting. They give us a window into how our language has evolved over the years, and what words are in and out of style. And many of them are filled with utterly filthy slang. There's actually several dictionaries just full of filthy words and there's an entire thesaurus just for words about genitals.
G-Money: Er, really?
Rosemary: Well you got to get people into the History Museum somehow and you know what sells? 80 words for cock!
G-Money: Oh!
A-Train: So few?
Rosemary: It's from 800 BC, Alex. They only inscribed the best ones into those clay tablets.
G-Money: I will take your word for it.
Rosemary: There's so much to see at this exhibit. There's a dictionary of sex acts, there's a titty thesaurus, there's another dictionary that doesn't have any words just lewd pictures drawn by inmates for an Nsburg prison in the 1890s.
G-Money: So are all these dictionaries dirty?
Rosemary: Well, let me see. Mmm. If you include the Codex Vaginismus, yes.
{Caption change: ON THE PHONE: Rosemary Saltsmith – Dirty Word Curator}
Rosemary: But in the past's defense, there wasn't as much to do back then, so you really did have to make your own fun.
A-Train: Is any part of this exhibit appropriate for children under the age of 18?
Rosemary: Oh, of course Alex. We have a medical dictionary written by Nsburg's very first doctor, Quinlin P. Chumble. Unfortunately with historical hindsight being 20/20, ah, Chumble wasn't actually a very good doctor, so I wouldn't trust any of those diagrams unless you do think you might have eight appendixes. And if you do please come on down to the museum so we can get some x-rays.
A-Train: Sorry, what?
Rosemary: We've had a vintage x-ray machine in storage for 40 years and I really want to see if it still works.
{Caption change: ON THE PHONE: Rosemary Saltsmith – Not a Doctor!}
Rosemary: Oh, we're also unveiling the Nsburg Centennial dictionary which was written for the 1876 Centennial but it never made it out of Nsburg until this year.
G-Money: So it's just rediscovered this year?
Rosemary: Oh, it's just been held up in Nsburg dictionary committee arguments until now. They were very concerned about the definition of “swoop stake”.
G-Money: The committee has been working on the dictionary since the Centennial?
Rosemary: There was a big push to get it out for the 67 Centennial, but, well, you know committees.
G-Money: Well that sounds great Rosemary.
Rosemary: Oh no! I haven't told you about the best part: we have a particularly racist dictionary …
{Graphic: ON THE PHONE: Rosemary Saltsmith – …}
Rosemary: … from Nsburg's founding fathers and we're not even going to exhibit it because it's so racist. But we will be just burning it at the end of the exhibit.
A-Train: That seems … unnecessary.
Rosemary: Some things just aren't worth saving dear.
{Graphic: ON THE PHONE: Rosemary Saltsmith – Pragmatist}
G-Money: Like this interview. Rosemary, it's been lovely to talk to you. When can people come down and see all these wonderful reference books?
Rosemary: 11:00 to 1:00 weekdays, except Tuesdays and Fridays. Oh, and Wednesday this week because Lisa has the day off for her birthday.
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A-Train: Happy birthday Lisa.
G-Money: And now speaking of things potentially about to enter a state of combustion, we go to Richter Hammockslam, live in the QWRP traffic Qwopter, with an Nsburg traffic update. How's it going Richter?
{Graphic: QWRP TRAFFIC QWOPTER}
Richter Hammockslam: The traffic is low and slow, Graham.
G-Money: The traffic is low and slow?
Richter: Partially traffic, partially me, Graham.
A-Train: I so look forward to our little guessing games Richter.
Richter: That's right Alex, traffic this week is backed up on Route 3 for at least two miles. That's all I can tell you, I'm being weighed down by an excess of cargo.
G-Money: In the Qwopter?
Richter: One of them, yes. But most of them hanging below.
G-Money: Richter, my eye hurts.
{Sound effect: Barking}
G-Money: Can you please just tell me whatever bullsh{beep} is happening right now.
Richter: Well Graham, I was going to keep under wraps until later when we officially launched, but you are my best friend and therefore, through you, I introduce to everyone in Nsburg their new best friend: one of Richter Hammockslam's Helicopter Hounds.
A-Train: OH NOoooooooo
G-Money: Richter this sounds distressingly familiar.
Richter: As you may know, I came into possession of a number of dogs some time ago. And it's funny that you mentioned distress, as landing a helicopter next to them seem to cause a lot of it. So I am now redistributing my wealth to the rest of the town.
G-Money: Richter, why are you hanging the dogs off the Qwopter?
A-Train: Why don't you release them on the floodplain like everybody else does?
Richter: To answer your questions in order. Because a: there's not enough room in the Qwopter for the rest of them with the Mastiff and b: that would be irresponsible Alex.
A-Train: Yes that would be irresponsible, you're right Richter.
Richter: They seem to be loving it, Alex. Let's be honest, if you are a dog hanging your head outside of a window on a drive, wouldn't you rather be all the way outside of the window, floating through the air, the most majestic good boy.
G-Money: Richter dogs don't know what flight is.
Richter: Neither did I, but now I do and I have the FAA certificate to prove it.
G-Money: Dogs don't bark at birds because they're jealous Richter.
A-Train: What is your p … do you have a pl … what is that plan?
Richter: It's the last mile problem, Alex. We already have the ability to go to a breeder directly to get a dog. If you can't do that, maybe a pet store. But what about those of you stuck at home and need a dog? Hammockslam Helicopter Hounds are there for you.
G-Money: That was a sales pitch, not an explanation.
Richter: Do you need a West Highland Terrier in a week? Do you need a Dachshund in a day? How about a Maltese Terrier in a minute? Whatever your schedule, I'm there to deliver your dog; first time, on time.
G-Money: Why does it take you a week to deliver a West Highland Terrier?
Richter: They're very excitable.
A-Train: Oh, so they don't like being put on the helicopter? Is that it?
Richter: No, they love that part. They need time to get used to their new surroundings. And they're very accustomed to the helicopter. I find spending a good amount of time hovering over their new home makes them feel more accepted.
A-Train: Graham, have you been checking the fuel invoices that Richter's been filing recently? If not we probably should.
G-Money: If there's a line item for kibble we're gonna have a problem.
Richter: Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat Graham and Alex, but there is someone gesticulating wildly on Fourth. Which is I believe the international signal for I need a Chow Chow right now now.
G-Money: It's not.
Richter: Back to you.
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G-Money: Public safety announcement. Reminder as we say every day to not wave at the traffic Qwopter. Not only does it distract Richter, but now you might just end up being responsible for a dog.
A-Train: I mean in broad strokes I wouldn't mind having a dog.
G-Money: You do not want an angry, windswept Pomeranian air-dropped onto you involuntarily.
A-Train: Oh yeah, not again. Not after Burning Man.
G-Money: Well you know what is gonna be happening again.
A-Train: Ernoooooo…
{Graphic: Bumper Crops' Farms: Check out the all new corn corridor}
G-Money: We go now to summer intern Derek, who was over at Bumper Farms for the reopening of the corn maze. Hi Derek.
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex. Boy, I love autumn.
A-Train: Great.
{Graphic: LIVE ON LOCATION}
{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Granton Bumper – Reverend}
Derek: I'm here with His Holiness Reverend Grantin Bumper and he said he's gonna tell us all about the new things he's implementing in this year's corn maze.
His Holiness Reverend Grantin Bumper: Er, that's ex-Reverend …
{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Granton Bumper – Ex-Reverend}
Grantin: … there young child. I may have been excommunicated but I am still for the community.
Derek: Wow! Getting excommunicated sounds like a pretty interesting story. Unfortunately Alex told me I could only talk about the corn maze this week, so we'll have to come back and do it in another interview other time. Is that okay?
Grantin: I'll have it put in the schedule.
A-Train: Wowowowow! Derek you listen to me? Never mind that, this excommunication thing sounds kinda newsworthy.
Derek: Alex I can't you wrote it down a piece of paper: “only talk about the corn maze”. I want to talk about those two squirrels I saw doing stuff on the side of the road you said I couldn't do that either, so now we're only gonna do the corn maze.
A-Train: Good enough.
Grantin: Oh, don't worry about that we'll just walk and talk as I lead you through the new and improved corn maze.
Derek: Oh I don't know Mr. Bumper. I've got a really bad sense of direction and I'm, I'm worried I'm just gonna get lost again.
Grantin: Ow, nothing to worry about. As you can see, much like myself, the corn maze is now on the straight and narrow. It's more of a corn corridor or, what do you hip kids with the science fiction movies call it, trench.
Derek: Wait so that's the way out just down there?
Grantin: No that's the way in. I figured I'd bring you into the back side first just to spice things up a bit and let you have a new experience when you go through as a paying customer.
Derek: Oh so this is a maze you can do from both ends?
Grantin: Again, maze is such a strong word. I prefer the term corn hole.
{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Granton Bumper – Corn Hole Owner}
Derek: Geez, I can see the ticket gate from here already.
Grantin: Well, yes. Partially to give you a signpost should you get confused along the way, and partially to show you just how far you've come on your journey.
Derek: Hold on, what's with all the stanchions here?
Grantin: Oh. Well those are part of the new safety improvements we've added to the corn maze. We're installing a velvet rope so that children don't rush into the corn and get all pokeyed up by the dried leaves. We've also installed a number of rest stops along the way, should you want, say, a refreshing Orange Julius, you may stop by a booth in the side.
Derek: It kinda takes away some of the wonder of getting lost.
Grantin: But it adds a sense of refreshment and fulfilment. It also means people can't sue me for getting lost in the corn maze.
Derek: Why is the ground made of plexiglass?
Grantin: It's Nsburg's take on a infinity pool, but corn only grows in the ground so now you get to see where it came from.
Derek: The ground?
Grantin: Correct! You're really catching on.
Derek: It seems like you would get slick if it started raining.
Grantin: Well, did you notice the awning?
Derek: Oh neat! It's like the glass roofs of Osaka station.
Grantin: Now, I've never been myself but I was assured from the architect that it was a unique design.
Derek: You hired an architect? How much is this place cost?
Grantin: Well that's a little secret between myself and my angel investors but rest assured it will be amortized over the lifetime of this installation.
Derek: Wait, last time you ran the corn maze it was only five bucks. And that included free popcorn and a trip to the rum tunnels.
Grantin: Boy, an Orange Julius franchise does cost a pretty penny and unfortunately our partnership with the rum tunnels has fallen through.
Derek: So did two thirds of the people who came to the corn maze.
Grantin: Well I do hope that they will return and see the value of this year's installation.
Derek: Well for everyone who does return how much is it gonna cost 'em?
Grantin: $45 per adult, $150 for family of three.
Derek: Huh, $45. How long does take to run the maze?
Grantin: It's a brisk 90 second start to finish. Faster if you hire Corn Sherpa. Slower if you stop for an Orange Julius.
Derek: What on earth is it Corn Sherpa?
Grantin: Look. I cannot get sued again if somebody falls into a tunnel and ends up smelling like a rum and fungus.
Derek: Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. There's a new Orange Julius opening up in nserbg, right out in Bumper Farms Cornhole. Back to you Graham.
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G-Money: Thanks …
A-Train: He stayed on topic.
G-Money: He did. That was the best part of today's show.
A-Train: I feel sick.
G-Money: Well, luckily that takes us up to the break. When we come back the Nsburg anime research undergrad television organization or N.A.R.U.T.O.
A-Train: What? Like the fish cakes?
G-Money: Sure. Are holding a new member drive this Saturday in presentation room C of Nsburg Community College with a 24-hour marathon of something called Choboraunyopomi Gekijou Dai San Maku Ai Mai Mii: Surgical Friends. They'll have free Pocky and something they've bolded in my on-air copy as “the good ramen”. So if you're into anything I just said, now you know about that.
{Sound effect: Party horns}
G-Money: Gus, Gus. I'll leave the sheet in your cubby, I'm not reading it again.
A-Train: This show really dropped off in the third core.
G-Money: And the Nsburg 1986 Christmas parade is looking for nurses, trained paramedics and any first-aid enthusiasts to help them with their run in next year's March Marchness.
A-Train: Isn't it a little early for that?
G-Money: They need a lot of help. So if you have any spare electric scooters, Zimmer frames or any expired prescription painkillers you haven't disposed of yet, please get a hold of them, I guess? Or actually maybe just don't. Um, stick around, more QWERPline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to QWERPline, here at QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor …
{Graphic: The Unmatured Druid Fluid}
Announcer: … the Unmatured Druid Fluid. A forest fresh mixture of Hemlock and Elderberry, perfect is a starter for your own homemade fermented beverages. The Unmatured Druid Fluid, the dregs must be assured.
