Qwerpline Ep22 - From the Waist Down Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep22 - From the Waist Down

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Yeasty Priest Bake-at-Home Beast}

ANNOUNCER: ... Yeasty Priest Bake-at-Home Beast. Bring home a quick supper with the Yeasty Preist's latest innovation: A raw elk roast, stuffed in a bread bowl. Yeasty Priest Bake-at-Home Beast, in comes pre-greased.

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to QWERPline, great to have you with us today. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: No idea how about you?

G-MONEY: I've never thought about that before. I'm well. Thank you for asking.

A-TRAIN: Glad to hear it.

G-MONEY: And I'm happy that you all at home are listening to QWERPline, and hope you're having a great day in beautiful Nsburg: "Everybody get Down on the Ground"

{Graphic: Town slogan}

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: Oh yeah I remember that one from the 70s, when they're trying to get people to enjoy the new lawn they seeded at the town hall.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Yeah, and there's no quicker way to ruin a freshly seeded lawn than by getting an entire town of people to roll around on it too.

A-TRAIN: Wondering why they thought it was a good idea to put a lawn outside of a bar.

G-MONEY: It was the 70's, it was a different time. and now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: Getting out ahead of spring runoff season West Sump Acres is opening a new sluice and breakout Sideball star Melody Yum will be on hand to cut the fan belt.

A-TRAIN: Fan belt?

G-MONEY: Yeah the, the ribbons get damped, so they're opening it by cutting a fan belt from a 1982 Buick LeSabre.

A-TRAIN: So specific.

G-MONEY: It's what they found while they were dredging the sluice.

A-TRAIN: Okay.

{Graphic: Nsburg Geysey Watch 2016}

G-MONEY: For those of you breathlessly waiting for an update on geyser watch 2016 - well, that's a hint right there that we are in geyser watch overtime. It hasn't skipped a year since 1928 so the Nsburg Geological Society is going out there with a really long pin to try and help things along.

A-TRAIN: So stay tuned for a hot update from either the Geological Society or the burn unit.

G-MONEY: And of course we'll make sure to let you know as soon as we have any information because a lot of bets are riding on this.

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}

G-MONEY: For now, though, we go over to Studio B where Michael O'Leary is getting ready to interview Bertha Burpwinter, who's here to tell us about some of Nsburg's interesting historic cellars Mike ... wait no what? We have a caller? Why do we have a caller?

{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}

A-TRAIN: Gus, that's why.

G-MONEY: Well can you let it ring? Why do we have to answer on the air? Fine. Hello caller, you're live on the air.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Lorna Schlitzwhistle - Local Menace}

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Hi Grant Hi Alan.

A-TRAIN: How did you get this number?

LORNA: Oh my cousin gave it to me our family reunion.

{Caption changed: Local Meance to Gus' Cousin}

A-TRAIN: Right thanks for that Gus.

A-TRAIN: Well thanks for calling, talk to you later Schlitz.

LORNA: As you are no doubt aware Nsburg is in a crisis.

G-MONEY: They know what they're doing, they're gonna pop the geyser.

LORNA: No, not a crisis with Mother Gaia, a crisis of supernatural.

A-TRAIN: So a crisis of faith.

LORNA: After the property lottery, so many homes changed hands but not everything changed hands. The spirits that were there inside those homes, watching over people; the dogs, the cows, the dreamcatchers they did not go where the deeds went. They remained tethered to Mother Gaia's mortal coil and now they're all confused.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: So are we.

G-MONEY: Point of clarification. When people moved for the property lottery, they didn't take their cows with them? Or these the ghosts of cows?

LORNA: These are the ghosts that inhabit Nsberg. The sacred souls of our ancestors that provide us with blessings, and inheritances, and occasional paranormal hauntings. And they're very confused and upset.

G-MONEY: Hold on. You're saying that the ghosts that were haunting people, are now haunting the wrong people?

LORNA: That's right. But they're not so much as haunting, as giving their blessings in a constant and unyielding way from beyond the grave.

A-TRAIN: Is that better or worse?

LORNA: when your earthly body leaves Mother Gaia's joyous embrace, it's not like your soul just goes down to Cabo for some R&R time. It stays behind to give wisdom to your ancestors. We don't want to get rid of this wonderful spirits, but we need to give them some healing energy.

A-TRAIN: That's great, thanks for calling.

LORNA: I want the to people of Nsburg to know I am here to heal their spirits.

A-TRAIN: What, my spirit?

LORNA: No the one in your basement powder room.

A-TRAIN: That's a very specific place for a ghost to be and a room I do not have.

LORNA: Everyone has a metaphorical basement powder room. It might be the deep freeze in your garage or in a tiny box filled with hair in your attic.

A-TRAIN: I'll bite how do you heal these spirits ? LORNA: Through the power of interpretive dance.

{Laugh break}

LORNA: Dance has been proven in scientific studies to have therapeutic effects on a human soul and ghosts are nothing but soul but they have no bodies. So I dance for those who cannot. And I take the positive energies of Mother Gaia and I channelled him into whether a ghost may inhabit. Whether it be your walk-in closet, Baseboard heater or hitherto undiscovered backyard well.

A-TRAIN: Thanks so much for joining us.

G-MONEY: Actually, actually Lorna. If, if you do have a well that you haven't discovered on your property ...

A-TRAIN: No.

LORNA: Ah, you can get hold of me on my Etsy page. I have listing for custom dreamcatcher and crystal onda-

A-TRAIN: Okay bye . G-MONEY: Ah. Okay.

A-TRAIN: Your backyard is not haunted Graham.

G-MONEY: You're probably right I just got sort of swept up in the moment there.

A-TRAIN: That's how they get you.

G-MONEY: The ghosts?

A-TRAIN: No Crackpots!

G-MONEY: Oh right, that reminds me. We go now to traffic with Richter Hammockslam. How's it going Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Thank you Graham. I'd like to report that there is a slight pile-up of three cars on the on-ramp to the Shaughnessy. Drivers this morning may want to consider an alternate route.

A-TRAIN: I don't believe it.

G-MONEY: I'm even more afraid than I was when I thought I had a ghost well.

RICHTER: I'd also like to take this brief moment to welcome my new followers, Joseph_18 and DaShameGranny.

{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: Sorry?

A-TRAIN: What?

RICHTER: New followers Alex. For my independent online broadcast of this the traffic Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: Oh my god!

{Sound effect: footsteps}

G-MONEY: Richter what is - Alex get out of Michael's closet - Richter what in the hell are you talking about?

RICHTER: It's a brave new world Graham. A world where advances in technology have allowed the little guy to be able to broadcast their own experiences and knowledge to the world.

A-TRAIN: Richter we literally come to you every quarter hour.

RICHTER: And I have made every attempt to incorporate that into my new broadcast schedule. However the extreme popularity of my new broadcast has left me with no choice but to have slight bleed over.

G-MONEY: You're livestreaming from the Traffic Qwopter?

RICHTER: That's correct Graham. And my current follower count of 18, no 19, shows that this is something that the world needs.

A-TRAIN: Yeah it was Nsburg needs to hear it.

G-MONEY: Okay. First, Alex you are crushing that bottle.

A-TRAIN: Don't look at me I'm on a fast track not giving a shit.

G-MONEY: Second. Richter, why?

RICHTER: An alternative revenue stream graham. With all the upgrades I put into my helicopter I need to make some money to keep this thing afloat for my day job.

A-TRAIN: The station pays for the Qwopter.

RICHTER: Paid for the initial copter, yes. However in order to broadcast to a greater audience I have had to add a computer, a camera, a cellular modem. Have you ever heard of the ship of Theseus Graham? This is Thesius' helicopter and Thesius sold it to me.

G-MONEY: How much revenue are your 19?

RICHTER: 20.

G-MONEY: I don't care how much revenue are they possibly bringing in?

RICHTER: Currently I am working for the invaluable currency that is exposure however thanks to that generous donation that just came in from Officer Steve, thanks Officer Steve, we're going to be flying high tonight. Back to you Graham. And don't forget to like, share and subscribe Alex.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: 90-proof? Damn Michael.

G-MONEY: Thanks, I guess Richter. While I encouraged Alex to hydrate, let's throw it over to our sports reporter Montgomery Cone.

{Graphic: Sports}

G-MONEY: Who is now confirmed to be in the studio, who can give us an update on the Nsburg Sideball Winter Classic.

MONTGOMERY CONE: Hey there sports fans, it's me, it's Montgomery Cone, I'm your news sports reporter. Reporting back from the Sideball Winter Classic. I had a great time there. I got to be on the field this year which is great because I had, like, three years ago waiting to get on the field only been on the bench this whole time, but I brought it home for the Sideball team this year. Literal Tigers we're going to go all the way to championship, yeah.

A-TRAIN: GO TIGERS!

CONE: You're damn right there Alex.

A-TRAIN: Wow! {snore}

CONE: I think you might want to cut that man's mic there, Graham. He needs that sleep, he's earned it.

G-MONEY: Yeah, uh, thanks. So obviously everyone is thrilled with the performance of the Literal Tigers in the Winter Classic.

CONE: Record-breaking score this year.

G-MONEY: Yeah you almost rolled it.

CONE: In the last minute I had to block out own team to keep us from scoring.

G-MONEY: Yeah Melody was on a warpath by the end of it.

CONE: Oh yeah she was not too happy at all. I had to block her three times. I wear the shiner at pride though. I had to clothesline an 11-year old too. Was fun.

G-MONEY: That's great. Do you have any notable, notable highlights of the game anything that like really, really leapt out at you.

CONE: Well when Terry couldn't make it because he was partying too much last night and got brought down with a bad cough and the coach pulled my name out of a hat and said Montgomery, you get in there and I'm like yeah I'm gonna get in there, that was a highlight for me.

G-MONEY: Okay once you were on the field then, you know, anything, any big moments from the game.

CONE: I knew that when I got on the field I was going to have to throw blocks left and right. That's what I was prepared for cus they, you know the Mole Rats Graham. Tiny little fighters but uh they're real slippery.

G-MONEY: Yeah, their use of grease has been controversial but effective.

CONE: Synthetic uniforms really hold it all in.

G-MONEY: But once the game was underway what were sort of the, you know, the highlight moments of the game?

CONE: Here's Montgomery Cone's top five the game. Number five: I caught an elbow in the face and I gave it right back. Number four: dropkick one of them wooden line men so hard has head came right off.

{Laugh break}

CONE: Number three: the orange slices they served at half time. Tasted kind of sour, should cover them honey, but I like him. Number two: watching Melody Yum almost kick him in at half. She was more violent up close than I thought. Number one: not gonna lie to your graham kind of slipped into a fugue state for a while, had to review the footage, later but apparently, I threw a lot of good blocks, and carried a lot of good points and quite frankly, I became one with Sideball. And I'm going to lead Literal Tigers to victory this year!

A-TRAIN: Go Tigers.

G-MONEY: I swear I cut that mic. Monty as an alternate you only have to play the one game.

CONE: Well that's fine. I figure a Terry's probably gonna have a problem with his brakes before the next game.

G-MONEY: Oh-kay, uh, well, uh. Monty we're gonna let you go.

CONE: Well it's good being here Graham. I still got the Sideball spirit and it may have become one and there's going to be no earthly force I can stop us.

G-MONEY: Thanks Monty. Go, go, Tigers. Um. Now, Alex you still out?

A-TRAIN: There no, I'm awake. What are we do next?

G-MONEY: We're going to throw to Derek.

A-TRAIN: I'm asleep.

G-MONEY: You know what that's, that's fine. We, we go now to Summer Intern Derek, who is down at the Town Square, where there are some new developments with the statue of Richard Thurston. Um Derek, hello.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - Summer Intern}

DEREK: Hi Graham, hi Alex.

G-MONEY: It's just, it's just me.

DEREK: Oh it's too bad. What happen Alex?

G-MONEY: Richter happened.

DEREK: Oh did they get in a fight? They're such good friends.

G-MONEY: No, neither of those things.

DEREK: Okay then. Well I'm here in Town Square. That's where you sent me and everyone standing around looking at part of a statue. Um, which is okay I guess it's better because it's more status than there was before and that's encouraging.

G-MONEY: As a reminder to our listeners, this is of course is the tribute in potentia to the great Richard Thurpston, founder of Thurpston County and former alderman. That had some funding issues and when we was unveiled it was a pair of legs.

DEREK: That's right Graham, I remember that.

G-MONEY: Yeah I hope so, you were there.

DEREK: That reminds me too. Um, they drained the legs, all the Brown Thrums have got to migrate for the winter, and now there's a man balancing Richard Thurpston's buttocks.

G-MONEY: I'm sorry, what?

DEREK: Well and his groin too. Um, including his hips. I guess really the whole lower pelvic region. I don't know what constitutes a torso.

G-MONEY: Okay Derek so what you're saying-

DEREK: Abdomen! I learned that in school.

G-MONEY: That's, that's great. So, so they're only adding his pelvis and the statue is now Richard Thurpston from the waist down. DEREK: I believe so. I'm not really sure how good of a likeness it is because I'm only familiar with him from the shoulders up there's also a ceremonial plinth that's been up for a while but. No wait, hang on. Someone is now taking the stage.

{Caption: SPEAKING NOW: Dick Thurpston III - Secret Pipesman}

RICHARD THURPSTON III: I'm going to keep this brief and bitter. Gathered simpletons of Thurpston County, it is with great tedium that I commemorate what I was led to believe was a complete likeness of my late grandfather, but instead it falls to me to dedicate to you his groin and bottom. If I must be pressed to say something upon this weary day, were it not for this groin, I would not have been made flesh. Good day.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - Summer Intern}

DEREK: What an inspirational speech and from the product of Richard Thurston valuable loins.

G-MONEY: Speaking of which, how are they going to stop this now waist-high statue from filling with water and Thrum.

DEREK: I'm glad you asked Graham, because now the engineers are coming forward and they are covering it with spikes.

G-MONEY: What?

DEREK: Anti-Thrum spikes Graham. Like that once we put on top of the mobile broadcast van.

G-MONEY: So the statue of Richard Thurston legs, groin and butt is now covered in spikes.

DEREK: All over the place. He now looks like a singer for D'war. I never knew that Richard Thurpston was so metal. Despite the fact that we made of brass.

G-MONEY: And the rain?

DEREK: Oh they're filling with half-pound expanding foam, which should hold up between 10 and 12 years. The art value is great, but I hope they get done by then.

G-MONEY: Well that seems better thought-out than a lot of municipal projects around here.

DEREK: I agree I'm still looking forward to a train.

A-TRAIN: (In his sleep) No train.

G-MONEY: He's still asleep.

DEREK: Ok I'll talk to him later. I really hope that he and Richter can repair their friendship.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Ok Derek talk to you later. When we come back the Nsburg players are holding tryouts for their Easter Musical: Lent.

{Graphic: Lent the musical}

G-MONEY: So if you can sing and have a light-hearted attitude towards blasphemy, this could be for you.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: And I'm going to get Michael O'Leary to help me carry Alex to the couch in the lobby and put them in the recovery position. Stick around more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listing to QWERPline, here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Yeasty Priest Bake-at-Home Beast}

ANNOUNCER: ... Yeasty Priest Bake-at-Home Beast. Shoving whole elk in a bread bowl and put it in your oven, feed your whole family. Yeasty Priest Bake-at-Home Beast, now with flavors of the Far East.