Qwerpline Ep21 - The Winter Classic Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep21 - The Winter Classic

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Chunk Monk’s Skunk Trunk}

ANNOUNCER: ... Chunk Monk's Skunk Trunk. A new innovations from the Chunk Monk a tiny elephant nose for your pet Skunk and definitely not a place to hide our fine California strains. Chunk Monk's Skunk Trunk, to help you get crunk.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to QWERPline. It's Big G-Money, here back at it again with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: It's just one of those days where you don't want to wake up.

G-MONEY: I'm sorry to hear that.

A-TRAIN: My beds really comfy.

G-MONEY: Well good to know that you're going to keep on rolling here in beautiful Nsburg, where as the saying goes "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Nsburg is sweet and it's better than Heathston".

{Graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: Yeah Heathston sucks.

G-MONEY: It behooves me to ask if that's an official statement on behalf of the aldersmen or just, you know ...

A-TRAIN: Absolutely. Get bent Heaths.

G-MONEY: All right. Well you heard it here first, and I guess that takes us over to the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: It's Thurpston County Allergy Week.

{Graphic: Nsburg Allergy Week}

G-MONEY: Every year to coincide with the beginning of raccoon dander season and everyone's out in full force. The Dust Allergens Sufferers Expo is being held at the Civic Center, which is also the new Raymond's Talc Palace.

{Graphic: Raymond's Talc Palace}

A-TRAIN: Bad luck with those rentals.

G-MONEY: That's always the danger of booking your event before the property lottery. I hope everything goes well for them.

A-TRAIN: It won't, but everything's half off.

{Graphic: Nsburg Allergy Week}

G-MONEY: And elsewhere the Nsburg Ladies Auxiliary is putting on a bake sale in support of Thurpston County Nut Allergy Sufferers, with a warning that what the lady's lack in reading comprehension they make up for with enthusiasm and so there are tons of baked goods that are packed with nuts. Nsburg Health and Safety has erected a 500 gallon dunk tank of synthetic epinephrine so if your throat starts to close up just dive in.

A-TRAIN: It's a good batch this year so maybe take a dip even if you don't need it.

G-MONEY: You probably will if you get even downwind of that bake sale.

A-TRAIN: I didn't even know people could be allergic to Mongongo go nuts.

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}

G-MONEY: Speaking of nuts, a man with very tight shorts is just joining us in the studio it's Scout Leader Dan from the Berg Scouts, here to talk to us about some new initiatives.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Scout Leader Dan - Berg Scouts}

Scout Leader Dan: Hello Alex, hello Graham. Thank you for having me on the show today. Why I remember we're both in the Berg Scouts. Graham still haven't been able to get that Guatemala architecture badge.

G-MONEY: No I still haven't gotten it, I haven't been in the Berg Scouts for two decades.

A-TRAIN: Ha one's a freebie.

DAN: I wouldn't laugh too hard there Alex. You weren't able to achieve your badge in manimal studies.

G-MONEY: Owned.

A-TRAIN: I was gored by a wild boar.

DAN: And with that attitude, you never will.

A-TRAIN: Eight weeks of therapy.

DAN: Anyway enrolment in the Berg Scouts is down. G-MONEY: Gee I wonder why.

DAN: and I'm here to drum up interest in Nsburg's youth.

A-TRAIN: How are you gonna do that?

DAN: Well that's why we're accepting applications from youth who don't enjoy the outdoors.

A-TRAIN: Enjoying the outdoors used to be a prerequisite?

G-MONEY: Yeah I'm here to tell you that was not the case.

{Laugh break}

DAN: That's why we're introducing all sorts of new merit badges for indoor activities such as carpentry, plumbing, carpetry, and painting Scout Leader Dan's hallway.

G-MONEY: But you're Scout Leader Dan.

DAN: Pleasure to be here.

A-TRAIN: How can you have a badge for painting your hallway.

DAN: Well it's only available once every four years, or if I decide to move, or on special occasions if Scout Leader Dan's common-law wife decides she wants to redecorate.

G-MONEY: I'm sure that some of the other badges are more conventional in scope.

DAN: Well we do offer a few of the more traditional badges such as snaking Scout Leader Dan's drain, grouting Scout Leader Dan's bathroom and re-panelling Scout Leader Dan's basement. I've got a pallet of fresh oak straight from Europe.

G-MONEY: That doesn't sound very traditional.

DAN: It's more of a mid-century, modern aesthetic.

A-TRAIN: This has got to be illegal.

DAN: Nope everyone's paid up their membership dues. How else do you think I can afford this luxurious oak?

G-MONEY: What about some indoor badges that today's youth might find more useful like computers or setting up a Wi-Fi network or Snapchat.

DAN: We do offer a badge in Python.

G-MONEY: What? Really?

DAN: Technically his name is Phil. Once I drop the badges in there, well, nature takes its course. You're gonna have to get right in there if you want to show merit.

G-MONEY: Scout Leader Dan-

DAN: Right in there.

A-TRAIN: Sure am glad I didn't have to fist a snake Nsburg Scouts.

DAN: Which is a shame. We didn't offer the badge in your day. You certainly have the forearms for it.

A-TRAIN: I was gored by a wild boar.

DAN: Because you didn't work on your calves.

A-TRAIN: Six months of physio.

DAN: And in a bit of interfaith work, we're putting up acoustic panelling in the Girl Scout shooting range. I owe them a favor after they removed the raccoons from my attic.

G-MONEY: Okay well thank you Scott Leader Dan.

DAN: We also have a badge in drywall repair to fix bullet holes my ceiling.

G-MONEY: Thank You Scout Leader Dan, it's been great catching up with you.

DAN: Same time next week Graham? You can still get that badge. A-TRAIN: Six years, unable to eat pork

DAN: Really? I thought that was a religious thing.

A-TRAIN: In a sense, it was.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good bye Scout Leader Dan. And now moving from indoor activities to outdoor activities, as everyone knows it's the Sideball Winter Classic today as the Nsburg Literal Tigers take on the Heathston Mole Rats.

{Graphic: Winter Sideball Classic}

A-TRAIN: Kill them.

G-MONEY: And we'll be sending it down there live for the third fifth of the game which is just under way to our new sports reporter Montgomery Cone how's it going down there Monty?

DEREK: Wait, hold on. Hi guys.

A-TRAIN: What?

G-MONEY: Uh hi Derek. Yeah I didn't expect to be talking to you today. I thought I had the day off.

A-TRAIN: You do?!?

DEREK: Okay. Well talk to you later then.

G-MONEY: Derek why do you have Monty's phone?

DEREK: What? Oh yeah, no, um. He left this with me earlier because he said he might get a phone call and he wanted me to answer it.

G-MONEY: Where is he?

DEREK: Oh he's in the zone guys. He's pulled off today on third turn-style alone.

A-TRAIN: Why is Cone playing?

DEREK: Terry Capstone didn't show up today so Monty got conscripted.

G-MONEY: Wow I mean we all carry those cards for a reason but you never think your numbers going to come up.

DEREK: Yeah Monty was excited too. He's been waiting three years to get off the bench. I thought that's why you made him your new sports reporter.

A-TRAIN: We did. Or so we thought.

DEREK: Oh man so what are you going to do by reporting the Sideball Winter Classic today? It's really important.

A-TRAIN: Work with what we have.

DEREK: Oh it is Edith down here today?? I love the way she brings sports reporting to life.

G-MONEY: Derek, before I say anything else I need you to understand this is in no way a promotion. But we need you to tell us what's happening at the Sideball game.

DEREK: Oh my dad got me two hotdogs, and he's had at least six beer, and then when we got here I haven't seen him for a while. Hang on if you listen you can hear screaming at the players in the distance.

{Sound effect: distant shouting}

A-TRAIN: Derek.

G-MONEY: Derek.

A-TRAIN: Derek! What's going on with the game?

DEREK: Oh, we won!

A-TRAIN: It's only the third fifth!?

DEREK: Oh we're so far ahead that I don't think there's any chance they're going to catch up. But we have to be careful because if we score too many points the scoreboard will roll over and we'll be back at zero.

G-MONEY: Yesh, we haven't seen a scoreboard rollover since December 92.

A-TRAIN: Go Tigers?

DEREK: But not too much. Win in moderation. Oh no we scored again. Get it out guys. Oh man Melody has got the blood mist.

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: Whoa what, what happened?

DEREK: Oh she's throwing lefts and rights like a wild boar.

A-TRAIN: Not funny.

DEREK: Oh thank goodness the coaches have agreed to a mutual timeout and now they're bringing the meatball sandwiches and the orange wedges to the field, so I guess we're going to be about an hour before we get back. I'll be back to you soon as your new sports reporter.

G-MONEY: That not what ... thank you. Thank you Derek.

A-TRAIN: Go Tigers.

G-MONEY: Go Tigers indeed and if you are hoping to go to see the Tigers or at least remaining two and a half fifths of the game, you'll need to know how the traffic is doing. So we go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's everything looking up there Ricker?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Well Graham, they've bought out the meatball sandwiches, but it appears there is a dispute with the orange slices.

A-TRAIN: What?

RICHTER: The trained eye of this psynofile can tell that those are parmellow slices not oranges. It's going to be our hell of a puckering experience for the players.

A-TRAIN: Are you above the game?

RICHTER: No-one is above the game of Sideball Alex, that's why we all carry these cards. I am situated physically about the game and have been since the pre-show. That's why I was able to observe that Montgomery Cone's Cinderella moment.

A-TRAIN: Cool story Richter. How's the traffic?

RICHTER: It's all here.

G-MONEY: Okay Richter. I guess stick around there and you can get back to us with the traffic leaving the stadium after the game is over.

RICHTER: Are you kidding Graham? No can do, traffic is going to be a nightmare as this game finishes. I am going to planning after the fourth. Back to you.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: Now I have the blood mist.

G-MONEY: Well let's calm, calm that inner rage with some of the of the Arts. Let's have Arts correspondent Edith Slump in to tell us what's happening in the arts of Nsburg this week. Hello Edith.

{Graphic: It's the Arts}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Edith Slump - Nsburg Arts}

EDITH SLUMP: Hello Graham, hello Alex, go Tigers.

G-MONEY: It is hard not to be excited today.

EDITH: It's not just an exciting day for sports and it's also an incredible time to be a fan of the Arts because the Nsburg Experimental Art Collective has unveiled their new mobile gallery show.

G-MONEY: Mobile gallery?

EDITH: It's a secret gallery, yes. It looks like a taco truck.

A-TRAIN: Is this some sort of statement?

EDITH: No, they just couldn't afford to repaint the taco truck.

G-MONEY: All right. Where, where can patrons of the Arts find the ... mobile ... taco truck.

EDITH: Well it'll be downtown for the next week and a half, but it will move every two hours to comply with local parking regulations. To enter the art gallery knock three times and ask for tacos.

G-MONEY: Do...do you get tacos?

EDITH: Of course not. You get art.

G-MONEY: How much space is there in the mobile art gallery?

EDITH: Well Graham, it is only a taco truck but they have managed to get three up-and-coming Nsburg artists in there. Eunice van Grom is showing a sculpture collection made out of organic cabbages.

G-MONEY: Wow.

EDITH: Each one begins with a whole head of organic cabbage which has then dried, pickled, then read dried, and then reassemble the new complete cabbage head.

A-TRAIN: What's this piece called?

EDITH: Futility.

G-MONEY: Who else is currently exhibiting?

EDITH: Noted local photographer Bjorn Alvarez as a new exhibit. It's called 85 pictures of my cat.

A-TRAIN: Your cat?

EDITH: No, not of Puddles. Although Bjorn's cat is also named Puddles in a surprising twist of fate.

A-TRAIN: It's a good name.

EDITH: And finally avant-garde sculptor Stonk Jerco's newest piece is filling up the rest of the mobile art gallery. It's called 16 pieces of professional kitchen equipment that I welded together to form a giant taco.

G-MONEY: That's a very descriptive name.

EDITH: Well it's actually made out of 17 pieces of equipment. He's hoping to catch people out.

A-TRAIN: Oh Stonk, he's always good for a laugh.

EDITH: It's actually a very serious artist Alex.

A-TRAIN: Is he?

EDITH: Genius is rarely understood in its time Alex. And certainly not in the time it takes to weld seventeen rusty mandolins together.

G-MONEY: That sounds dangerous. Anything else going on the arts this week Edith.

EDITH: No.

G-MONEY: Terrific.

EDITH: But.

G-MONEY: What?

EDITH: If you do manage to track down the new mobile art gallery and take in Stock's incredible sculpture, you may find you have the craving for tacos. So I want to remind all our listeners out the Nsburg Experimental Art Collective gallery has actually been turned into a fully functional taqueria by the owners of the mobile taco van for the duration of the show.

A-TRAIN: Why?

EDITH: Art is all about subverting expectations Alex. Also people still want to get tacos.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank You Edith and now I ... I want to get tacos are you, are you feeling like tacos.

A-TRAIN: Yeah definitely, just no pork.

G-MONEY: Sounds good. Well Alex and I are going to run off and get tacos for a sec, but when we come back.

{Graphic: Nsburg Allergy Week}

G-MONEY: Allergy Week Mascot Aller-John, the inflamed sinus, will be taking pictures and producing mucus for all the children at Nsburg Town Square tomorrow, so he'll by to talk to us which I'm really looking forward to.

A-TRAIN: I hear it we'll be handing out samples of lime jello growth.

G-MONEY: Gross. And make sure to pick up your allergy week goodie bag with Kleenex and EpiPens, raccoon repellent.

A-TRAIN: Wow they give us a full magazine this year.

G-MONEY: And Head Hole Helpers, the coalition of ear, nose, and throat doctors, will be on site all week for anything you might need.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: All holes filled or drain, your choice.

G-MONEY: Stick around more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRPFM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Chunk Monk’s Skunk Trunk}

ANNOUNCER: ... Chunk Monk's Skunk Trunk. The newesy innovation from the Chunk Monk, it's a tiny elephant nose for your pet Skunk and please don't put me weed in there. The Chunk Monk's Skunk Trunk, don't narc us out like a punk.