Difference between revisions of "Qwerpline Ep19 - Flush the Grid Transcript"

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Transcript for [[Qwerpline Ep19 - Flush the Grid]]
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{{QwerplineTranscript|Qwerpline Ep19 - Flush the Grid}}
 
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''{LRR Logo jingle}''
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''{graphic: purple LRR logo}''
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''{Intro music}''
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'''ANNOUNCER:''' You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPlinethis week is brought to you by ...
 
'''ANNOUNCER:''' You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPlinethis week is brought to you by ...
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'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic. Get your ears wrecklessly clean with our suicidal nanites. No longer echoprotic.
 
'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic. Get your ears wrecklessly clean with our suicidal nanites. No longer echoprotic.
 
[[Category:Transcripts]] [[Category:Qwerpline]] [[Category:Qwerpline/Transcripts]]
 

Latest revision as of 06:00, 20 October 2019

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep19 - Flush the Grid

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPlinethis week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic}

ANNOUNCER: ... Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic. New from Humber Pharma chemicals with your problem is antotic, sphytonic or simply bynotic, get your ears wrecklessly clean with our suicidal nanitses. The Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic, now a schedule one narcotic.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

BIG G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Great, this new coffee is really something.

G-MONEY: I shear you briefly levitated there for a moment.

A-TRAIN: Well, I did have a heart palpitation.

G-MONEY: All right. Where did you get this coffee?

A-TRAIN: I know a guy in Columbia.

G-MONEY: Ok. Well, we, we know several people also here where our listeners are hopefully having a wonderful day in beautiful Nsburg: "Born Under a Bad Sign".

{Graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: I'm glad they finally tore that thing down.

G-MONEY: Yeah it's a bad sign.

A-TRAIN: And of course still broadcasting from Captain Toot-Toots Seafood ...

G-MONEY: Oh no no no we're not what ya know Captain Toot-Toot closed the buffet because he was able to return to the sea from whence he came.

A-TRAIN: I beg your pardon.

G-MONEY: He was able to make enough money off the studio sponsorship to go and buy the boat he always wanted.

A-TRAIN: I don't believe you.

G-MONEY: Well, he was already like 95% of the way there.

A-TRAIN: Was it the advertising or did this have more to do with The Infinite Crab Leg Experience?

{Graphic: The Infinite Crab Leg Experience}

G-MONEY: No all the machinery broke down in The Infinite Crab Leg Experience, so they haven't actually finished a song in years. And all the foam on the lobster started peeling and it looked really creepy.

A-TRAIN: Well animatronics and tartar sauce never mix.

G-MONEY: Indeed and now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: The Nsburg Harvest Festival is almost upon us, so if you have any large or unusually shaped vegetables get your submissions in. As a reminder following a vigorous letter-writing campaign, there is no obscene vegetable category this year so, um, keep all those squashes to yourself, I guess.

A-TRAIN: And my Thanksgiving centerpiece is gonna be real awkward this year.

G-MONEY: And grab your colanders because it's The Running of the Nsberries over in East Sump Acres.

{Graphic: The Running of the Nsberries}

A-TRAIN: Easily the best part of fall, don't you agree?

G-MONEY: Oh heck yeah, I know, I love it. For our listeners we'll be throwing it down to Derek who is on location of the running of the Nsberries later in the show. But if you at home have still not had a chance to try it Nsburg's seasonal delicacy this year, I understand there's room on the banks and Gourd from the Nsburg Volunteer Coast Guard has got his dinghy out in case anybody falls in and decides they still want to live.

A-TRAIN: Strap on your waders and bring the kids.

G-MONEY: And to find out how to dress for an afternoon over the culvert grid we go now to Sadie Casperson with QWRP weather.

{Graphic and music: Weather}

G-MONEY: How's it going Sadie?

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Sadie Casperson - QWRP Weather}

SADIE CASPERSON: Well Graham I had a lovely vacation and I'm just so happy to be back here in Nsburg the weather it's just like I remember it.

G-MONEY: Well it's great to have you back Sadie. Where was your vacation?

SADIE: Well I went to Italy.

G-MONEY: Italy?

SADIE: Oh yeah me and Lenny went there for the annual church ladies Vatican sleepover.

G-MONEY: They let you do that?

SADIE: Only if you're very pious.

G-MONEY: Oh cool. You were gone for months. What was the rest of your vacation?

SADIE: We took the RV all over. Do you know Rome's a real shithole?

A-TRAIN: Yeah, no wonder they trying to sack that place.

SADIE: Well they could sack it again for all I care, so expensive.

{Laugh break}

ALEX: Wow.

G-MONEY: Hey, how's the weather?

SADIE: Oh it's awful, it's so hot and sticky. Very pope-y though.

A-TRAIN: Yeah we meant our weather, like, here in Nsburg.

SADIE: Oh geez, hon I did just get back give me two shakes and I'll go peak out the window.

A-TRAIN: Oh my god.

SADIE: Okie dokie looks like it'll be clement today.

A-TRAIN: What like the orange?

SADIE: No dumb dumb, like calm and mild.

G-MONEY: Well fantastic it'll be a great day for the running is Nsberries.

SADIE: Holy Jesus and Mary, that's today?

G-MONEY: Yeah, they'll be flushing the grid again in probably about half an hour.

SADIE: Oh I just got to run some numbers.

A-TRAIN: Why?

SADIE: There's a trough of low pressure over Nsburg right now which is that's releasing a lot of humidity into the air and there it's a lot more moisture and I just got to run some numbers here.

A-TRAIN: Wait, you actually know how to do the weather?

SADIE: No I just do it on Sundays for Jesus. Oh this changes the forecast entirely.

G-MONEY: So what can people expect this afternoon?

SADIE: I think if it's even two degrees warmer we're gonna have a complete inversion. That's quad rain, Pickman's drizzle - the most deadly kind - and Rail hail.

A-TRAIN: Did she just say deadly rain?

SADIE: I'm not joking Alex this is an 80% chance. I'd dressed warm.

A-TRAIN: So I guess we were those of you Nsburg today if you're worried about Rail hail, put on a sweater?

SADIE: Preferably ablated layers.

G-MONEY: Thank You Sadie.

SADIE: Bye bye.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Okay well from what's coming out of the sky to what's going up into the sky. We go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Things are fine Graham. Every citizen of Nsburg is accounted for and is exactly where they are supposed to be. Though there is a Fiat Professional Duncato that is driving suspiciously that I am going to keep my eye on.

A-TRAIN: Is it holding up the traffic?

RICHTER: That remains to be seen Alex, and that is what I am keeping my eye on.

G-MONEY: Richter, we don't need you to follow a single car. We just need to know a sort of broad strokes of what the traffic is like.

RICHTER: The traffic is stable Graham, and I am in the skies keeping it that way.

G-MONEY: What do you mean "keeping it stable"? How are you influencing the traffic?

RICHTER: Graham it is all out duty to influence the traffic and being the man with the helicopter I am the most qualified to keep a handle on human trafficking.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: What?

RICHTER: Human trafficking Alex. The scourge of the modern era and as the man with eyes in the sky, I alone am best equipped to make sure that the citizens of Nsburg stay on the land from whence they came.

A-TRAIN: Surely if this were an issue it would be a job for the Nsburg PD.

RICHTER: Officer Steve doesn't have the budget for a helicopter, but I can certainly afford a badge on my high pilot salary

A-TRAIN: What high salary? I've seen your invoices.

RICHTER: You might have access to my station salary Alex, but there are other ways of making money out there.

A-TRAIN: Yeah like human trafficking.

RICHTER: Alex, we call those people passengers. They got in of their own free will and they'll get out when they reach their destination.

G-MONEY: Are you running an air taxi?

RICHTER: While getting a police badge from the internet may be inexpensive, a taxi badge is more than I am willing to pay. I also think of myself more as a ride-share and doing Nsburg a service by relieving the pressure on our crowded city streets.

A-TRAIN: He's become the ubermensch.

G-MONEY: That's maybe not an all right comparison.

RICHTER: Nothing has more lift than a helicopter.

G-MONEY: Hang on, we will talk about you running a copter share service later. What about this van that you were tracking with a kidnapping or what?

RICHTER: Human trafficking, Graham. Unlicensed human trafficking.

G-MONEY: What do you mean unlicensed?

RICHTER: That man is running a ride-share on the street of Nsburg where ride-shares have been specifically prohibited.

A-TRAIN: I sure don't remember signing that into law.

G-MONEY: So nobody's actually in danger unless they're up there with Richter.

RICHTER: Richter has never lost a passenger and that will continue to be true so long as I get these people to the culvert grid in time. Back to you Graham. Don't forget to rate 5 stars.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank, thank you Richter. Hmm speaking of people who rank their self-worth on stars . A-TRAIN: Yeah we have got update his chore chart.

G-MONEY: We go now to summer intern Derek, who is down at the East Sump Acres culvert grid on location for the running of the Nsberries. How's it going Derek?

{Graphic: Live on Location}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: I'm having a great time out of your Graham and Alex. I haven't been to the culvert grid in years. Um, it's kind of an odd looking day out today but I'd say it's extremely clement.

G-MONEY: Any sign of Pitman's drizzle?

DEREK: Oh don't joke about that Graham, that's the worst kind.

G-MONEY: How are things going on the bank of the culvert grid Derek?

DEREK: Well so far they pulled up the grate and the water's coming out as a small trickle so we're all just waiting for the flush.

A-TRAIN: Derek, do you have an interview lined up?

DEREK: Oh guys here in for a treat. I was walking up and down the banks all morning talking to people trying to find out if someone will be willing to talk about what they're doing today. And I-I got a few brush-offs and some people threw a colander at me, um, but I did find one guy he's not here with a colander he's here with some sort of weird instruments and he looks like a scientist.

A-TRAIN: Good enough, put him on.

DEREK: Okay hang on um have you used a phone before?

UNKNOWN: I have a PhD.

DEREK: Okay but you're on the radio now so you need to introduce yourself. Say who you are.

SLAVOJ DINKWITHER: I am Slavoj Dinkwither from Chuffield Extremophile Research Institute.

{Caption added: Slavoj Dinkwither - Chuffield ERI}

{Graphic changed: The Chuffield Extremophile Research Institute}

DEREK: See? A real life scientist.

A-TRAIN: With an unfortunate name.

SLAVOJ: Slavoj was my grandfather's name.

A-TRAIN: I apologize.

DEREK: All right. That's it for the banter now it's me time. Mr. Dinkweather, why are you here? You're a long way from Chuffield. {Graphic changed: Live on Location}

SLAVOJ: It's only 90 minutes by cab but I'm considering taking helicopter home.

DEREK: Well, what are you studying?

SLAVOJ: I'm fascinated by these Nsberries that everyone seems so over the moon about. In rest of Thurpston County, people call them filth spores.

DEREK: Filth spores? That doesn't sound right, they're delicious.

SLAVOJ: You eat them?

DEREK: Sure we put them in like cobblers and turnovers and I've even had them, yeah, spread in the pizza once. They're very juicy.

SLAVOJ: That is not juice. That is fluid from the culvert grid it is absorbed into the fungus.

DEREK: Fungus? You mean like a mushroom?

SLAVOJ: Similar to mushroom. I am here because Chuffield Extremophile Research Institute fascinated that anything can grow in such a hostile environment as the East Spum Acres covert grid. That you call a berry is not actually a berry despite colorful name and colorful spots.

DEREK: But those are part of its charm. The more spots on the cover, the sweeter the berry.

SLAVOJ: I must make note of this. How many of these have you eaten?

DEREK: What today? I don't think I've had any raw berries today.

SLAVOJ: You should never eat this raw.

DEREK: Oh I don't know normally. We have Nsberry preserves. I have them on toast, they're very sweet.

SLAVOJ: What you're tasting is not sweetness. It is a side effect of a powerful hallucinogen.

DEREK: Oh no, I'm tripping balls.

SLAVOJ: No, these fungus are more of an egg shape.

DEREK: I don't understand why did you come in from Chuffield to ruin everyone's fun. I think you're here to slander the Nsberry. I'm going to start asking hard hitting questions!

SLAVOJ: I will answer these questions but I'm going to stand slightly further away from you.

DEREK: Well you can't go that far because the phones still tether to my wrist. Number one question who funds your research?

SLAVOJ: University of Chuffield.

DEREK: Oh they're an August institution. Alright hard hitting question the second, I've been eating these for years and there's nothing wrong with me.

A-TRAIN: Errrnnnggg.

SLAVOJ: Please calm down, small but muscular boy.

DEREK: I'm 19 and my mom says my body's fine just the way it is.

SLAVOJ: Do, do you have a third question?

DEREK: Um well if these are as dangerous as you say they are, then what should the people of Nsburg do? We love these things.

SLAVOJ: Well I would say not to eat them but that ship has sailed so, I guess, maybe keep eating them to maintain the immunity? And send your stool samples to Slavoj Dinkwither her care of Chuffield University.

DEREK: I can't do that I need my stool to sit on.

SLAVOJ: Okay but really though, mail me your poop.

DEREK: Oh if it's poop you need there's gonna be a whole bunch of it coming rushing on the grid in about six seconds.

SLAVOJ: We need to get to high ground.

DEREK: Are you joking we're never gonna catch any berries that way.

SLAVOJ: Goodbye strange boy.

DEREK: Oh well, um. That does it for me Derek down here at the running of Nsburies at the East Spum acres culvert grid. I have to put my phone away because I need to get my butterfly net out. Okay, back to you.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank You Derek

A-TRAIN: A whole bunch of stuff made a whole bunch of terrible sense just now.

G-MONEY: Yeah which takes us almost up to the break. When we come back a reminder that it's fall and it's time to change your clocks.

A-TRAIN: That's right and there's a sale down at City Center Mall. It's three clocks for the price of one.

G-MONEY: And on the way out there you can drop off all your old clocks at the recycling center to save time.

A-TRAIN: I went digital last season but it just doesn't have the warmth of analogue I think I'm gonna change back this year.

G-MONEY: And breaking news from the East Sump Acres culvert grid: Gourd's dingy is full, so everyone just back off for a little bit. Stick around more QWERPline right after this.

ANNOUNCER: Your listen to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic}

ANNOUNCER: ... Quixotic Robotic Antibiotic. Get your ears wrecklessly clean with our suicidal nanites. No longer echoprotic.