Qwerpline Ep18 - All Aboard Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep18 - All Aboard

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Dutch and Hutcheon Touchin’ Escutcheon}

ANNOUNCER: ... Dutch and Hutcheon Touchin' Escutcheon. Use this handy, shield-shaped cover to protect, grooming and style your pubic hair into its ideal shape. Dutch and Hutcheon Touchin' Escutcheon. Hangs on by clutchin'.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg, welcome. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: I think we won.

G-MONEY: Wha, won what?

A-TRAIN: Oh wait it's play again. I got one of those scratch and sniff lotto tickets.

G-MONEY: I am very confident you're doing that wrong. But everybody at home is doing it right by tuning into QWERPline here in beautiful Nsburg: "The Finest Burgers in Thurpston County". Of course you'll remember when Wiener Czar tried to capitalize on the White Castle sliders phenomenon by making granulated burgers the finest burgers in Thurpston County.

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: Oh. son of a bitch.

A-TRAIN: I kind of miss those burgers. They were real tasty but, man, they got everywhere.

G-MONEY: They sure did and speaking of getting everywhere make sure to strap on your crab bib, dunk a biscuit in the sauce, and head on down to Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet. Sponsor of QWERPline, now broadcasting from the SS Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet studio.

{Graphic: Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet}

A-TRAIN: Do we have to do that now?

G-MONEY: Every time. Every time.

A-TRAIN: Well at least they let us keep the studio, if not our dignity.

G-MONEY: Well we didn't have a huge amount of that to begin with. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: It's Buccaneer days at Nsburg Auto Mall, the world's first drive-through mall.

{Graphic: Nsburg Auto Mall}

G-MONEY: Celebrating their 40th anniversary and the 20th anniversary of the banning of leaded gasoline.

A-TRAIN: And bring the kids. They'll probably not get brain damage.

G-MONEY: Though Mirtho does request that you keep your speed to below 20 for the face-painting.

A-TRAIN: Unless you want to pinstripe your kids.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: And in other news, a local youth found a valuable set of vintage hubcaps in the Shaughnessy River and now locals are flocking to the river to go panning for tires.

A-TRAIN: It's a chrome rush.

G-MONEY: I also have a public safety memo here from Dave at Nsburg search.

{Graphic: Nsburg Search}

G-MONEY: This is of course the Shaughnessy River and not the short-lived Shaughnessy River 2. Any the hubcaps found on the Shaughnessy River 2 probably still belong to the vehicles they are attached too.

{Graphic: News}

A-TRAIN: That was, of course, the news, broadcast to you from Captain Toot-Toot's official microphones.

{Graphic: Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet}

A-TRAIN: Thanks Edith.

EDITH SLUMP: You're welcome Alex, although I'm beginning to suspect my hard work to regain the studios deed is going unappreciated.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: Well this gift horse is a little long in the tooth, But that's neither here nor there.

EDITH: If Horatio Toot-Toot is anything, it's a gift seahorse.

G-MONEY: As a reminder listeners the fallout from the recent property lottery is still ongoing.

A-TRAIN: Yeah and we got the tartar sauce end of the stick.

EDITH: Alex I didn't spend the last seven weeks organizing a complicated nineteen way swap to get the studio's deed returned, get back Grahams aunt's summer house, and convince the Nsbirders Brown Thrum Conservation Society to cancel their plans to turn Richter's helipad into a bird sanctuary, for my own health.

A-TRAIN: You also got your own apartment back as well.

EDITH: Well, while I did win the property lottery jackpot of a 4-bedroom McMansion in Raster Heights, do you know what the property taxes on that were like? Certainly out of the reach of a freelance radio reporter and gadabout.

G-MONEY: Well nobody's questioning your commitment to the arts and media in general, so thanks I guess.

A-TRAIN: Although somebody should be questioning why separate parts of the station have their own discreet deeds.

EDITH: It was owned as a condominium.

G-MONEY: Hey anything new in the arts this week Edith?


G-MONEY: Huh well nice to have you by. Speaking of happy home lives we go now to our summer intern Derek who is down on location at the Nsburg Animal Sanctuary talking to Michael O'Leary?

{Graphic: Live on Location}

MICHAEL O'LEARY: No relation.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern, Michael O'Leary - Nsburg Animal Sanctuary}

DEREK: I didn't saying go yet. I have to do things in the proper order or they'll fire me.

A-TRAIN: What that we could.

DEREK: Hi Graham and Alex and all the listeners here in Nsburg's radio land. I'm here at the new Nsburg animal sanctuary which is conveniently located right next to the raccoon preserve. What a great idea Mr. Michael O'Leary, no relation.

{Graphic: Nsburg Animal Sanctuary}

MICHAEL: That's right young boy. I built up this animal sanctuary with my own two hands.

DEREK: Wow. How did you drive in all the nails without any hammers?

MICHAEL: I've had a dream since I was a wee boy: a place that I could get away from all the animals. I have already said pet a dog, it'll nip ya. Look at a cat the wrong way, it'll scratch out your eyes. Merely listen to a sparrow, and it'll vomit right in your ear.

DEREK: I'm not sure that's been my lived experience with animals.

MICHAEL: Well aren't you a lucky son of a bitch then.

DEREK: So you build a sanctuary from animals? That's horrible. Also why would you build next to the raccoon preserve, you big dummy?

MICHAEL: Land was cheap here also there's no raccoons in the preserve. There in the pool.

DEREK: Yeah it only stayed open for like 16 minutes this week. Kind of a record, I guess.

MICHAEL: I have $50 in for 20 minutes.

DEREK: Wow it's never been open that long before. You're a bold gambler Michael O'Leary no relation.

MICHAEL: Yet more reasons why I needed to open this sanctuary. How else could I bathe without those down to wash bear getting all up in me water?

DEREK: What's a wash bear?

MICHAEL: You know trash panda.

DEREK: What?

MICHAEL: Masks furry fuck beaver? Tiny brown thing taker? Shuffle cat? Dank Rugg...

{Laugh break}


DEREK: What?

MICHAEL: You know, masked furry fuck beaver? Tiny brown thing taker? Shuffle cat? Dank Ruggington? Satan's tanuki?

DEREK: Oh you mean the raccoons.

MICHAEL: What if those bastards took me red sweater and pilots scarf?

DEREK: You know I think you're going to confuse a lot of people by opening an animal sanctuary where animals aren't allowed.

MICHAEL: Well I coudn't just leave it just sanctuary. This place to be littered with hunchbacks.

DEREK: But where are the people from Logan's Run going to go.

MICHAEL: They can ride the carousel down the road for all I care. This is my sanctuary and they're going to be no animal in sight.

DEREK: Well I think you're being very unfair and I'm going to end this interview and leave.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: That's fine because that's all the time we have slotted for this interview.

A-TRAIN: Huh, he's uh really on the ball today.

DEREK: Thanks Alex you know I just don't understand why people can't get along with animals. It's like my dad always said, you can make friends with any animal as long as you got a lot of peanut butter.

G-MONEY: Thank You Derek speaking of impossible relationships with nutty things it's time for traffic so we go now to Richtor Hammockslam up in the QWRP Captain Toot-Toot Seafood Buffet All-You-Can-Eat Traffic Qwopter and Clambake. How's it going Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

{Sound effect: Gunshot}

A-TRAIN: Was that the engine?

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Sorry Graham just holding my breath for the shot.

G-MONEY: What shot?

RICHTER: Bird shot, Graham. But not for birds but for the other undesirable infestation in today's skies: drones.

G-MONEY: Richter are you shooting down people's quadcopters?

RICHTER: Absolutely Graham. I'm making sure the skies are free for vehicles of one blade, the way God intended it.

A-TRAIN: I mean technically yours has two.

RICHTER: Richter Hammockslam will not share the skies with these four bladed abominations. Human beings were meant to fly with but one, furiously careening blade slicing the air and pulling us aloft.

A-TRAIN: Weren't you in a blimp like less than three months ago?

RICHTER: And I dealt with that handily didn't I?

G-MONEY: How many drones could there possibly be over Nsburg?

RICHTER: At the moment? Less than three. Previously? More than three. But I will not rest until the skies are free and clear, so I may give traffic reports unobstructed.

A-TRAIN: Wouldn't that be an amazing innovation.

G-MONEY: Yeah, while you're reloading do you have any traffic?

RICHTER: Traffic is a bit snarled above Nsburg, in the fact that there are more than hovering vehicle. And as soon as we bring it back to one traffic will flow smoothly from my lips to your ears. Back to you Graham.

G-MONEY: I refuse to believe that that's what's been stopping him this whole time.

A-TRAIN: Yeah we're never getting traffic out of him.

G-MONEY: But what we will get is another in-studio interview.

{Graphic: Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet}

G-MONEY: We go now to Studio B and Captain Toot-Toot Seafood Buffet's Myrna Toot-Toot Memorial Crab Tank where Edith Slump is filling in for actual Michael O'Leary to interview two local entrepreneurs. Take it away Edith.

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Edith Slump - QWRP Business, Fill-in}

EDITH: Thank You Graham I am contractually obligated to tell you that this is the best place to get crabs.

A-TRAIN: Yeah that's why I always wear a bib.

{Caption added: Orville and Wilbur Ronk - Developers}

EDITH: I'm here with Orville and Wilbur Ronk, who are petitioning the Thurpston County Council to let them build a new wind farm ion the outskirts of Nsburg.


WILBUR RONK: Thanks for everything. is really good to be here this crab tank high ceilings.

EDITH: Hmm so tell us about your wind farm.

RONKS: Very important {talking over each other}.

EDITH: Oh I'm sorry, I think I've had a mix-up with my notes you said solar power and I was introducing a wind farm.

RONKS: Oh no {talking over each other}.

EDITH: Alex far be it for me to bring editorializing into reporting but I don't think the Thurpston County Council should approve this application.

A-TRAIN: I don't even know what they're applying for now.

RONKS: It's a solar-powered wind farm.

A-TRAIN: A what?

RONKS: Well {talking over each other}.

EDITH: One second guys I just need to ask an experienced business reporter a question.

MICHAEL O'LEARY: Oh, hi Edith. Won't you come in?

EDITH: Sorry for bothering you. I know you're taking a personal day to renovate your new closet, but I was hoping you could give me a hand. MICHAEL: I'd be glad to, but first which of these paint swatches do you prefer?

EDITH: Hmm. I think frosted Maple.

MICHAEL: I think you're right. It'll look fantastic and also cover up all the old lady smell.

A-TRAIN: I kind of miss Muriel.

G-MONEY: Well she got the four bedroom and Raster Heights, so don't feel that bad.

RONKS: What about the wind farm.

EDITH: It's a solar-powered wind farm.

MICHAEL: That's weird. What are they asking for?

RONKS: {talking over each other} 14.5 million dollars.

A-TRAIN: Ha ha ha. Hell no.

EDITH: Well that ended a little suddenly I still have 45 seconds left. Michael ,could I have a tour here closet for the listeners?

MICHAEL: All right Edith I put a shelf over here and put some flowers on it. I feel it brightens up the space. And check out my commute, it'll only take seconds.

{Sound effect: walking}

MICHAEL: Now I'm in Studio B.

A-TRAIN: Yes Michael we could see you moving.

MICHAEL: Radio is a theatre of the mind Alex and if I didn't spell it out for our listeners they would just think it's bad foley.

EDITH: Thank you Michael your commitment to a micro home inspires us all.

MICHAEL: Thanks Edith and now back to my closet.

RONKS: I can't believe this {talking over each other}.

EDITH: Oh right of course I can use the Captain Toot-Toots Cheesy Cheddary Biscuit and All-You-Can-Eat Clam Chowder mute switch at any time.

{Graphic: Captain Toot-Toot's Seafood Buffet}

A-TRAIN: Yes. Thank You Edith.

EDITH: I really felt that one Alex.

A-TRAIN: I meant it.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well that brings us right up to the break when we come back Nsburg High School's eSports team returns from a crushing defeat at the North Korean open.

A-TRAIN: That's the first time I've ever heard North Korea and open in the same sentence. What are they playing?

G-MONEY: Er, Space War 2. Turns out when you're playing on the original hardware oscilloscopes rather than the emulated version the Nsburg library has, it's a whole different ballgame.

A-TRAIN: Also they're probably using Sideball rules which is, again, a different ballgame.

G-MONEY: And finally a reminder that it's the end of back-to-school season and now that everyone's gone back to school, you have to keep going back to school. This has been poorly communicated as always and early autumn truancy reports have been way up.

A-TRAIN: And after the break we'll hold a listener poll on whether Michael O'Leary should use cherry wood or maple for his wainscoting.

G-MONEY: Stick around more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listen to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Dutch and Hutcheon Touchin’ Escutcheon}

ANNOUNCER: ... Dutch and Hutcheon Touchin' Escutcheon. Use this handy, shield-shaped cover to protect, groom and style your pubic hair into its ideal shape. Dutch and Hutcheon Touchin' Escutcheon. Makes your junk great for munchin'.