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Transcript for [[Qwerpline Ep17 - Property Lottery]]
{{QwerplineTranscript|Qwerpline Ep17 - Property Lottery}}
''{LRR Logo jingle}''
''{Graphic: purple LRR logo}''
''{Intro music}''
'''ANNOUNCER:''' Your listen to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...
'''ANNOUNCER:''' Your listen to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...
Line 425: Line 419:
'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Finally a left-handed travel mug consecrated carry any manner of holy fluids. Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Not available in Isle of Manister.
'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Finally a left-handed travel mug consecrated carry any manner of holy fluids. Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Not available in Isle of Manister.
[[Category:Transcripts]] [[Category:Qwerpline]] [[Category:Qwerpline/Transcripts]]

Latest revision as of 06:55, 20 October 2019

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep17 - Property Lottery

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: Your listen to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Minister Banister’s Sinister Canister}

ANNOUNCER: ... Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Finally a left-handed travel mug consecrated to carry any matter holy fluids. Minister Banister's Sinister Canister, made in Japanister.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: {Burp} Oh too much crab.

G-MONEY: You know we have a cough switch for a reason.

A-TRAIN: That wasn't coughing.

G-MONEY: How much crab is too much crab?

A-TRAIN: This much.

G-MONEY: Huh, at once?

A-TRAIN: No, in a row.

G-MONEY: That's a little more reasonable.

A-TRAIN: Graham, I'm not a monster.

G-MONEY: Good to hear. I'm hope that everyone at home is having a great day here in beautiful Nsburg: "The Best Darn Town North of the Mississippi".

A-TRAIN: When did the Tourism Board come up with that one?

G-MONEY: I don't know when exactly, but they were definitely holding the map sideways.

A-TRAIN: Yeah that adds up.

G-MONEY: And now it's time for the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: As we all know Nsburg is facing summertime water restrictions right now, which sadly means the cancellation of this year's Nsburg waterslide. However bring the kids on down to the Schloop Tubes Family Fun Water Park for the Nsburg dry-slide, sponsored by Raymond's Talc Barn.

{Graphic: Schloop Tubes Family Fun Water Park}

A-TRAIN: Leave your swimming trunks at home, you won't need them. Bring a feather duster though.

G-MONEY: I've seen them testing the dry slide and it's surprisingly effective. All that talc works like a bunch of tiny ball bearings.

A-TRAIN: You're not wrong G. And hey, if you've got a case of swamp thigh, come on down to have the best time clearing it up.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: And a reminder to our listeners. Today in the downtown core, it is the Nsburg Chamber of Commerce Car Free Day.

{Graphic: Nsburg Car-Free Day}

G-MONEY: No vehicle traffic is allowed in the downtown core which, as a reminder, that is a four block radius of the Town Hall and a three block radius of the Town Hall. And to make sure everyone has a great day the Nsburg PD have set up festively decorated barricades and tire strips.

A-TRAIN: They may be covered in balloons but they'll still pop your tires like grapes.

G-MONEY: And the Nsburg PD, as always, following their motto: "No Longer Fucking Around".

{Graphic: Nsburg Police Department}

{Laugh break}

ALEX: I'm kind of surprised that one won.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-TRAIN: Next up, against our better judgment, we've allowed Gus to book us a very special in-studio interview. Which is definitely going to go great. With the local entrepreneur Darren von Spront.

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}

G-MONEY: Luckily this interview is going to take place through the glass in Studio B, with our recently promoted business reporter Michael O'Leary. Take it away Michael.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Business}

MICHAEL O'LEARY: Thanks G-dollar-sign. It's me Michael O'Leary, your new business reporter. With me today is Darren von Spront. He invented a new element.

{Caption added: Darren Von Spront - Local Inventor}

DARREN VON SPRONT: Well Michael. You see I can hardly take credit for inventing an element. No, I have merely discovered it. Creation is for nature to do.

MICHAEL: That's fascinating. How many elements have you discovered recently?

VON SPRONT: Just the one. It is a very momentous occasion for science.

MICHAEL: What does it do?

VON SPRONT: Well ... well ... it's an element. It's, it is used in chemical reactions with other ... Instead of simply describing, how about I show you.

MICHAEL: That would be wonderful. All of our radio listeners would love to see it.

VON SPRONT: Now as you may know I have been continuing my research. Simply allowing rocks to bake on my stone until the interior is a released as a fine gas or liquid. This is the result: Sprontium 13.

MICHAEL: It looks amazing. Can you put it in things?

VON SPRONT: Why most certainly. By simply adding Sprontium 13 to any number of pre-existing liquids you can enhance them in ways that are yet unknown to science.

{Sound effect: knocking on glass}

A-TRAIN: Ask him why it's glowing.

MICHAEL: Alex, this is radio. Our listeners can't see that it's glowing. But why is it glowing? Kind of a greenish color?

VON SPRONT: Michael instead of asking "why it is glowing?", ask what the glowing can do for you.

MICHAEL: What can it do for me?

A-TRAIN: What will it do to me?

VON SPRONT: I have found in my most recent experiments that is small addition of Sprontium 13 to, say, a plate of nachos adds a slight phosphorescence in addition to an effervescence to the cheese; that you may safely eat your nachos while enjoying the on screen utterances of Herr Radcliffe.

MICHAEL: These are for movie nachos? So I don't get cheese all over my face?

VON SPRONT: Exactly, or also parts of you that you can see.

A-TRAIN: Didn't we learn our lesson in the 30s with radium condoms?

MICHAEL: Alex makes a good point. Surely these are luminescent, but they're not radioactive.

VON SPRONT: Nein, it is fantastically radioactive.

A-TRAIN: Gus. I'll call hazmat. Again.

VON SPRONT: But that's part of the business plan. You see with such a short half-life, it must be replaced on a frequent basis.

MICHAEL: A fascinating look at your mind. Tell me doctor what happened with Sprontium 1 through 12?

VON SPRONT: Yah. I-I have a the remains of those experiments here as well.

G-MONEY: And we have to cut that off real quick. This-this glass is thick enough, right?

VON SPRONT: Oh assuredly not.

G-MONEY: All right. Well, while we're getting that sorted out, let's go, I don't know, sports? I guess?

{Graphic: Sports}

A-TRAIN: Wait but Mike is in Studio B.

MICHAEL: I have been and always shall be your friend Alex.

A-TRAIN: Not really what I was getting at but who's gonna do sports?

G-MONEY: Uh I don't know who's around.

EDITH SLUMP: Edith is here to save the day.


EDITH: Welcome to the sporting arts with me, Edith Slump. Mmm that is thrilling.

G-MONEY: Yeah it's, it's fantastic. So what's going on in the world of sports, Edith?

EDITH: The Nsburg field hockey team played and lost.

G-MONEY: Any color commentary on the game.

EDITH: Well it was a home game, so their jerseys were pink. Dale Chuzzle is back from LeMans.

A-TRAIN: Oh yeah, the Chuzzler. How did he do?

EDITH: He lost.

G-MONEY: Where did he finish?

EDITH: LeMans.

A-TRAIN: No, what was his ranking?

EDITH: Well he was a sergeant when he left the Burg Scouts, but I don't think that's relevant to his professional driving career Alex.

G-MONEY: Well, bad news for the Chazzler there. How about the sport that's on everyone's lips this week: Sideball.

EDITH: Yay I love Sideball. Sideball is a sport played between two teams each team consists of somewhere between 12 and 18 players, up to six of whom may be non-human ...


EDITH: ... Raccoons are specifically prohibited from playing.

G-MONEY: Please, no.

EDITH: See ...

G-MONEY: Please.

EDITH: ... rule amendum 8.23 of the Thurpston County Municipal Sideball League handbook.

G-MONEY: Yes, everyone knows how to play Sideball, Edith.

EDITH: Sorry Graham, I thought you wanted more detail in the commentary.

G-MONEY: Can you tell us about the games that happened this week please?

EDITH: Oh yes. It was the June Sideball grinder. We lost.

A-TRAIN: I'm really sad right now. Is this all sports is?

EDITH: Yes Alex. Sports is two teams and one must always lose. This week it was us. Really makes you think, doesn't it.

A-TRAIN: Not good thoughts but yeah.

EDITH: Well if my brief stint filling in at the Sports Desk has taught us anything Alex, it's that life is full of pain and disappointment. This job is a lot harder than it looks. Back to you.

G-MONEY: Great job Edith. I could tell you were really keen.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

EDITH: You can't fake this level of enthusiasm.

G-MONEY: I mean, I can't.

A-TRAIN: G, um, I can't believe I'm asking this: can, can we talk to Derek? I need to take my mind off a couple things.

G-MONEY: Sounds, sounds like a good plan Alex we go now to - no we don’t, no, no we don't we actually have a call. Wait Richter is calling in? How he - I mean on the phone.

{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: Go ahead Richter.

{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Graham it finally happened. The world has been cleansed and I have been left behind.

G-MONEY: Uh well, no. We're, we're obviously still here.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, you phoned us, somehow.

RICHTER: I suppose it should come as no surprise that the two of you have been left behind as I was. However my intention was simply to broadcast out across the land, seeking any remaining and the radio is the best choice of reaching those left behind.

A-TRAIN: Our station doesn't even reach Julesburg.

G-MONEY: Richter, what in the hell are you talking about?

RICHTER: Nothing Graham. Absolutely nothing. That's what I can see on the streets of Nsburg today as I hover, godlike above this town that is now rightfully mine.

{Laugh break}

KATHLEEN: There it is. There it is.

A-TRAIN: Ah, my headaches back.

RICHTER: As I hover here above the downtown core, I see not the usual slew of automobiles that would inhabit this beautiful burg. but the lowly human being. Striding, sad, between building and building, scraping together brightly coloured balloons and party favors, trying to eke out a choice moment where there is now none to be found. It's a hellscape.

A-TRAIN: Does he just not read emails?

G-MONEY: Richter to confirm you are above the downtown core.

RICHTER: Roger that Graham.

G-MONEY: On ... car-free day.

RICHTER: ... Sorry what?

G-MONEY: Well the Nsburg Chamber of Commerce ...

RICHTER: An apt name, Graham, for this almost horrifying of days. A downtown core free of cars.

A-TRAIN: Yes Richter that's what car-free means.

RICHTER: And so it shall be, forevermore. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: A reminder to our listeners car-free day ends tonight at 6 p.m. Hopefully Richter will still be watching.

A-TRAIN: Now can we go to Derek?

G-MONEY: Yeah let's, let's do that. Derek is on location today at the Nsburg property lottery.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

A-TRAIN: Yes, right You're bi-quarterly shot at trading up or trading down your property.

G-MONEY: I always forget bi-quarterly is that twice per quarter or every other quarter.

A-TRAIN: It alternates.

G-MONEY: Of course it does. How are things going down there Derek?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: Hi guys I'm not late, am I?

G-MONEY: What?

DEREK: I was rushing to get down here and parking's a bitch! {Laugh break}

BEEJ: Yeah. Holding on to that one for all day.

DEREK: Yeah, I was running late, so I just decided to use the mobile broadcast van. You know the one that smells like a ham locker. Um, but I couldn't find a place to park so I thought I would just pull across the police finish line that's all brightly colored. But now does it run anymore.

G-MONEY: Hey Alex?


G-MONEY: Remember when you wanted to go to Derek coz you had a headache?


G-MONEY: How's that working out for you?


DEREK: Is something the matter with Alex?

G-MONEY: No, he's fine. Go ahead.

DEREK: Okay listeners of QWRP. It's me, Derek. I'm downtown at the Nsburg property lottery and I can see the Chamber of Commerce, and all of her friends, dumping a bunch of deeds, or what looked to be deeds, into the cauldron like a bunch of witches that I'm not allowed to talk about at home.

G-MONEY: For those who've moved to Nsburg since our brief flirtation with communism in the 90s, the Nsburg property lottery works like this: You put in a deed for a property that you own and then you draw a deed from the cauldron and you're gonna get something either that someone else has put in, or something that's been liquidated from an estate or otherwise abandoned for some reason.

DEREK: One you're my dad wants some farmland that had been overrun by raccoons.


DEREK: And it still has raccoons on it.

A-TRAIN: Graham did you put anything in the cauldron this year?

G-MONEY: What are you kidding me? No. You?

A-TRAIN: I. Oh, oh, oh no.

G-MONEY: What?

A-TRAIN: I think I just figured out where that folder full of municipal properties ... went missing ... from the Town Hall. Uh, may the best man win!

DEREK: Wow the cauldrons overflowing with deeds this year. It's kind of amazing because usually people don't take part, but this seems really popular. I should go talk to someone I find out why. Uh, sir, excuse me, hello? Yeah, Hi, my name is Derek, um, I'm on the radio and now you are. Are you taking part in the Nsburg property lottery this year?

UNKNOWN: Hell no. Last year I traded away my place and Raster Heights and ended up with a shack at East Sump Acres.

DEREK: Well wouldn't you want to trade out of your shack?

UNKNOWN: Well hell, You can pull worse. A family from the Old Country just moved in next door. I'm getting free jam.

DEREK: Oh I love Jam!

UNKNOWN: Yep. Almost offsets losing $150,000 in equity but you got a play to win.

DEREK: Well if you want to win then why won't you play?

UNKNOWN: Because if you don't play you also can't lose.

DEREK: Oh look the president of the Chamber of Commerce is walking up to the microphone. I'm describing that for the people at home who can't see this. And I think then she's about to begin.

CHAMBER OF COMMERCE PRESIDENT: Hi everybody. Welcome to the bi-quarterly Nsburg property lottery. It's great to be up here again and I can't believe that the ceremonial cauldron is overflowing with deeds. Most of them are in unmarked manila envelope, which is so exciting! I'm used to coming up here bi-quarterly and it's the same three shacks trading owners, but this is fantastic. This just brings me back to the days of 1993. All righty so as you know, after you throw in the deeds we take your name and then we draw the names randomly ahead of time. When I call your name come up and reach your hand into the cauldron and see where you'll live now. First up we have Hinkley, Ball.

BALL HINKLEY: Eh that's me.

PRESIDENT: Go ahead.

BALL: Hope I get a good one. Oh wow, it's Raymond's Talc Barn. Well it's not Raymond's anymore.

A-TRAIN: Shit!

G-MONEY: Wait, why did the municipality have the deed for Ramon's tilt barn?

A-TRAIN: Oh they didn't. This is just bad!

BALL: This is great. I got a plan here. I'm gonna get all my perfumes, pour it in all the talc and I'm gonna dry up all the coochies in town.

A-TRAIN: Oh I see yeah.

DEREK: Oh Mr. Hinkley over here. Oh me it's Derek from QWERPline. Um, the people want to know, will you still be providing talc for the dry slide?

BALL: Hey, you bet your ass. There ain't no more efficient way to dry them coochies.

G-MONEY: Hey Derek, I don't think we can wait around all afternoon for everybody to draw their lots.

A-TRAIN: Please, please don't.

G-MONEY: So we should probably let you go.

DEREK: Okay but I'm gonna wait around here and see what I end up drawing.

A-TRAIN: What property did you put in that you own?

DEREK: Well as an investigative journalist I figure I should always enter all the contests that I cover. But I didn't have a deed, so I borrowed the one from the broadcast office.


{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: Derek, you did what?

DEREK: Oh they're calling my name. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Bye.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thanks Derek, um, well that takes us up to the break. Um, when we come back.

A-TRAIN: If we come back, in a shack or maybe the Town Hall.

G-MONEY: We'll be checking in on Geyser Watch 2016. Any change today?


G-MONEY: Great. And a reminder that the Secret Pipesmen secret open house's tonight.

A-TRAIN: It's at 118, Return of 3rd Avenue and the password is fiduciary.

G-MONEY: And as always make sure to knock three times.

A-TRAIN: Do not knock four times, we can't stress that enough.

G-MONEY: Stick around for more QWERPline after this?

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Minister Banister’s Sinister Canister}

ANNOUNCER: ... Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Finally a left-handed travel mug consecrated carry any manner of holy fluids. Minister Banister's Sinister Canister. Not available in Isle of Manister.