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'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster. The only Archbishop approved Catholic prophylactic. Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster, sure beats a mustard plaster.
 
'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster. The only Archbishop approved Catholic prophylactic. Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster, sure beats a mustard plaster.
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[[Category:Transcripts]] [[Category:Qwerpline]]

Revision as of 22:17, 13 October 2019

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep15 - Recycling Amnesty

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster}

ANNOUNCER: ... Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster. New from Huffer Pharma Chemicals, it's the only Archbishop approved Catholic prophylactic. The Pastor McMaster Cremaster Disaster. Get softer, faster.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg and welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Round and flat like a trapezoid.

G-MONEY: I think you missed that lesson in geometry.

A-TRAIN: I went to a really safe school. They wouldn't let us draw corners.

G-MONEY: That's a real shame. Hopefully everyone out there is having a great day in beautiful Nsburg: "Land of the Midnight Sun"

{Graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: I've not heard that one.

G-MONEY: Few people have heard the musical stylings of The Midnight Sun, Nsburg's famous prog rock band. Who, ah, hey they opened for Tangerine Dream once.

A-TRAIN: And then what did they do?

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Like I said once.

A-TRAIN: And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: As everyone's doubtlessly aware, last weekend was of course Nsburg's Yo Mama's Day. Alex I got your mom a box of truffles.

A-TRAIN: I mowed your mom's lawn.

G-MONEY: Oh, awesome, thank you.

{Sound effect: Ding}

G-MONEY: Gus? What the shit was that. Gus, do not impinge upon the sanctity of Yo Mama's Day.

A-TRAIN: Yeah especially after I sent yo mama a ham.

G-MONEY: We went in on that ham together.

A-TRAIN: Yeah we went ham.

G-MONEY: It was family-style. Look I know we don't get along, but that's the whole point. It's not about you it's about your mama.

A-TRAIN: Oh wait. Oh did anybody get Muriel something?

G-MONEY: Oh is she there?

MURIEL: Unfortunately. And no, nobody sent me anything on Yo Mama's Day. You're all such big disappointments. Just like my real children.

G-MONEY: Does she think we're her children?

MURIEL: No. But it all just kind of blurs together like one big wave of regret.

G-MONEY: Next year. In other news the Nsburg sewage treatment plant has gone missing.

A-TRAIN: Sorry, what?

G-MONEY: Let me read that story again. The mascot, Freddie Ficus, "the Nsburg sewage treatment plant" has gone missing. Freddie Ficus, of course beloved by local schoolchildren.

{Graphic: Freddy Ficus}

A-TRAIN: Beloved is a strong word.

G-MONEY: As he taught them all about where poop goes.

A-TRAIN: Hint: it's East Sump Acres.

G-MONEY: And Nsburg sewage treatment is asking anyone with any information on Freddie's disappearance to please contact the police, as the costume was very expensive. Mascot performer Gregory Harvestin is also missing.

{Graphic: News}

A-TRAIN: So everybody be on the lookout for a muddy ficus.

G-MONEY: That's not mud. And now we're going to the phones.

{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}

A-TRAIN: Gus? Did you do this on purpose?

G-MONEY: We have on the phone Kendra Tiltington, Director of Waste Management at the Nsburg recycling center. Hello Kendra.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Kendra Tiltington - Director, Nsburg Recycling}

KENDRA TINLTINGTON: Hi Graham, Alex. Thanks for having me.

G-MONEY: What's new in recycling?

KENDRA: I'm glad you asked Graham. Due to the unique nature of the Ns burg residence we're debuting a new program here at the recycling center called recycling amnesty week.

{Graphic: Recycling amnesty week}

G-MONEY: You don't sound thrilled about it.

KENDRA: Well, that's because we're probably the only recycling center in the entire western hemisphere that's had to start a forgiveness program because the people of Nsburg can't resist dropping off stuff they're not supposed to. Things like used syringes and alive raccoons. Well you know what for this week only get it out of your system, so we can get it out of ours.

G-MONEY: Really? Anything goes?

KENDRA: Oh yeah, it's like Mardi Gras for trash down here.

A-TRAIN: So Mardi Gras.

KENDRA: If you can't recycle it, bring it on down. We have every dump truck from Chuffield to Lesser Miami lined up to take your garbage and then get rid of it so you stop putting it into the recycling center for the rest of the year. I'm begging you, stop doing this!

G-MONEY: Hold up guy, rewind for a second. Why would a live raccoon stick around in the recycling center?

KENDRA: Oh not just one live raccoon, so many raccoons. People keep jamming into the intake slots. But why wouldn't they want to hang around here? There's all sorts of delicious non recyclable materials for them to eat like used mattresses and entire watermelons!

G-MONEY: Who recycles an uneaten watermelon?

KENDRA: No one, they're just growing out of the roof of a 1972 Volkswagen Beetle that showed up one inexplicable morning.

G-MONEY: How did someone get a Volkswagen Beetle through the intake slot?

KENDRA: Nobody knows! And we're all afraid to go near it. We think it might be from another dimension. We also huff a lot of lead paint fumes because that something else is not recyclable and keeps showing up here.

A-TRAIN: Wha, what's going to happen all this trash after amnesty week?

KENDRA: Well first we're going to sort it all for you, because won't do yourselves Nsburg, but then we're gonna take all those garbage trucks and they're gonna dump it into a network of tunnels I've discovered underneath the recycling center. And then we can get on with a good work of bringing out glass and aluminum from the trash scheme.

A-TRAIN: Now when you say network of tunnels .. . G-MONEY: Hey, guess what? We have a caller. Another caller.

{Graphic and caption return}

G-MONEY: On ... another ... did you know we had more than one line? We do and there's a caller on the other one. Go ahead.

SANDRA BRENTMORE: Hi Graham, hi Alex. Sandra Brentmore here from Nsburg Rum Tunnels Historical Society. So thrilled to be on the radio. You guys know you're the only station we get down in the rum tunnels?

{Caption added: Sandra Brentmore - Rum Tunnels Historic Site}

G-MONEY: Really that's ... odd.

A-TRAIN: And possible apparently.

G-MONEY: I don't think it is?

SANDRA: Well we certainly can't get Jewelsberg 101 The Mix.

G-MONEY: I bet I can guess why you're calling, but why don't you go ahead.

SANDRA: Yeah, I'm a big fan amnesty and forgiveness, but you can't dump trash into the Nsburg Historical Rum Tunnels. They're a valuable part of our history. Also we really can deal with any more live raccoons down here, we've got enough already.

G-MONEY: And the rest of the trash, surely.

SANDRA: I don't think you truly understand the scope of the raccoon problem down here in the rum tunnels, that we have to deal with on a day to day basis. I'm pretty sure that's ongoing laryngitis problem I have is half dank, half raccoon allergy.

KENDRA: I have a ton of sympathy for your voice problems, except I don't care. Because we have to put this trash somewhere and Nsburg has decided that the trash place is the recycling center so now it's my job to find a new place for trash.

SANDRA: What about the Nsburg dump?

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Oh yeah.

KENDRA: Sorry? The what?

G-MONEY: The Dump. It's 700 Refuse Lane.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, it's on the way to the recycling center.

KENDRA: Do you all know about this?

G-MONEY, A-TRAIN AND SANDRA: Yeah.

KENDRA: Then why ... do you keep ... bringing ... your trash ... to the recycling center?!

A-TRAIN: We all have to do our part.

KENDRA: {Random shouting} I can't believe it! You people! Oh my god! Raccoons everywhere! Mattresses! Volkswagen Beetles! AH!

G-MONEY: Thank you, Kendra. And everyone at home you heard it here first: Nsburg recycling amnesty week starts on Tuesday.

SANDRA: That's a high energy lady.

{Kendra removed from caption}

A-TRAIN: Right, you. Hi.

SANDRA: Hey Alex and Graham, before you guys let me go, can I still give you the phrase it pays?

G-MONEY: That's not, that, that's, that's not us.

SANDRA: Oh right that's Jimmy Jams. I love that guy.

A-TRAIN: Thanks.

G-MONEY: And now speaking of other people that work at this radio station

{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: It's time to go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there today Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Graham and Alex, I'm going to need you two to keep quiet for a couple moments here. I have a perfect frame on this bird and I don't want to startle it.

A-TRAIN: I've got a whole lot of questions and they're all rushing to my mouth at the same time.

RICHTER: Nature photography, Alex. I've got the Brown Thrum in my sights Alex, and now that it made its triumphant return Nsburg, I intend to make an equally triumphant return to the world of stock photography.

G-MONEY: Richter, where are you?

A-TRAIN: And hey, here's a thought. Are you maybe gonna get some stock photos of the traffic situation?

RICHTER: Glad you asked guys. I am back where I belong up in the sky in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. And that is the best vantage point from which to get as many candid shots of nature as I can. I've managed to retrofit a 1000 millimeter telephoto lens to the mounts of a 50-caliber machine gun. The gimbals allow for an amazingly steady shot and I am ready for anything that presents itself before me. Which at this point is a Brown Thrum currently cleaning itself in the birdbath in front of the Talc Barn.

G-MONEY: Oh great. Hey, how's the traffic at the Talc Barn?

RICHTER: Actually it keeps zipping in and out of frame, it's kind of annoying. I'm running out of room in my card and I may need to land soon to dump some photos. Could one of you maybe look out the window and see if anyone's accidentally parked on the helipad.

A-TRAIN: Richter, the helipad's on the roof. How would anybody park there?

RICHTER: Not your helipad, my helipad. I'm not keeping my computer photography equipment inside that building. It's not safe.

A-TRAIN: Where's your helipad?

RICHTER: Next to my car.

G-MONEY: Richter you can't land the Qwopter in the QWRP parking lot.

RICHTER: Can and have on numerous occasions Alex. And I like to point out then according to certain FAA regulations, if the engine is still running it is not a complete landing.

G-MONEY: I don't believe you.

RICHTER: It's okay for you to be unsure about these things and to ask. That's why I'm a licensed flight instructor.

G-MONEY: God help us.

A-TRAIN: Richter, could I convince you to look away from your lens for a moment and just have a gander down in Highway 3 and tell us how the traffic is?

RICHTER: Well judging from what I can see, the back tire of this AMC Gremlin looks like it has just the minimal amount of tread left before bursts. So if you are driving on highway 3 specifically in an AMC Gremlin, you may want to pull over. Otherwise looks like there's gonna be a pileup. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Oh. Well. And now . A-TRAIN: Because we crave disappointment.

G-MONEY: We go now to our summer intern Derek who is it Nsburg Town Square where they are unveiling the memorial statue to the late aldersman, Richard Thurpston.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

A-TRAIN: Sorry, what?

G-MONEY: Yeah I'm surprised you're actually not down there.

A-TRAIN: You're surprised?!

G-MONEY: Did, did you not know this was happening?

A-TRAIN: Sure didn't!

G-MONEY: You, you knew they were building the statue?

A-TRAIN: Yes I did but we had a talk about this and ... You know what let's just go and see how it pans out.

G-MONEY: What do you mean?

A-TRAIN: I'm as interested in this as you are.

G-MONEY: I, I actually, actually wasn't really but now I definitely am. Um, Derek how is it going down there?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: Hi guys! It's a beautiful spring day down here at Nsburg Town Square and there's a lot of electricity in the air, but that could be due to a wiring fault.

A-TRAIN: Good start.

DEREK: Thanks! I've been working in my segues. So let me set the scene. There's a small group of people milling about with refreshments. They're all gathered around what looks to be a statue it's covered with some sort of drop cloth, probably satin.

A-TRAIN: Like I'm actually there.

DEREK: I'm trying to paint a picture with words because radio is a theatre of the mind.

A-TRAIN: Got more of a finger painting going on here but continue.

DEREK: Despite the drop cloth, the statute isn't seem as impressive as I'd expect. Um, I met Richard Thurpston once and he didn't seem very tall but then again he was sitting down. But maybe the statue was just how I remember him, face down in a plate of muffins.

G-MONEY: Derek, maybe hold the review of the statue until they unveil it.

DEREK: Oh it's happening now. Alex should be down here to be doing this.

A-TRAIN: Probably but I'm not.

UNKNOWN: And now, recognition of his great accomplishments, we unveil the Richard Thurpston Memorial Statue, Phase 1.

{Sound effect: Clapping}

A-TRAIN: Ah.

G-MONEY: What, what do they mean phase 1?

DEREK: Oh the drop cloths come off! There's two of them!

G-MONEY: Two? What?

DEREK: I am it's kind of impressive guys two vast and trunkless legs of bronze stand in the square, and near them, on the stand ... A Ralph from the Pipesmen in despair. Let me go read the inscription: "Look upon my works ye might and ..."

G-MONEY: Derek are you still there?

DEREK: Yeah.

A-TRAIN: And what?

DEREK: And that's all says. Guys I don't think the statue's finished.

A-TRAIN: Ya think?

G-MONEY: They did say phase 1.

DEREK: I'm gonna try to get some answers here. This is no way to treat a beloved member of the community who lives inside me. Mr. Ralph, Mr. Ralph of the Pipesmen. I have some hard-hitting questions for you.

{Caption added: Ralph - Secret Pipesman}

RALPH: Hey, yeah. How do you like the statue?

DEREK: It's just two hollow shins.

RALPH: Well it's just phase one. But phase two is funding now.

A-TRAIN: We need funding now?

DEREK: Alex don't steal my interview. But what he said.

RALPH: Well it turns out the bronze is a bit more expensive than we budgeted it for in our initial bid, but that's what this coffee can is for.

DEREK: Oh I love these.

RALPH: Well those are copper but thank you. Anyway, we're calling on all the citizens of Nsburg to help us out in our grand bronze drive.

G-MONEY: A bronze drive?

RALPH: We're hoping citizens of Nsburg will go for the gold and cross our palms with silver by donating any unused bronze they may have. We're looking for any used bowling trophies you may have, unused bronze baby shoes or maybe low value archaeological artefacts.

A-TRAIN: Like what? Like shitty amulets?

RALPH: Sure we'll take shitty amulets, or crude sculpture, or just any spare ingots you may have lying around.

A-TRAIN: Ah, you know what I'm fresh out of spare bronze ingots but I'll check my pockets for you.

RALPH: Well, we're asking everyone to dig deep because we want the city to have a statue that truly embodies the soul of Richard Thurpston.

DEREK: Oh is that why it's hollow? Ok well I'll keep holding onto him until then. You let me know when it's done and we'll just pipe him right in. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: So what happened there?

A-TRAIN: Well I told them not to unveil it till it was done, but they'd already rented the orange cooler for McDonald's and they couldn't get their deposit back.

G-MONEY: Ooh. I mean that thing does get booked up for weeks at a time, especially during Sideball Little League.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, sure, whatever.

G-MONEY: So, uh, yeah. We look forward to the completion of the Richard Thurpston statue sometime in the next ...

A-TRAIN: 30 years.

G-MONEY: Wow, that is some civic optimism. Well that takes us right up to the break. When we come back, a reminder that we're in the midst of Nsburg In Bloom and you can head down to Rusty Splines Funeral Home and get yourself a planter made of remaindered coffins.

A-TRAIN: Is it coffins or caskets?

G-MONEY: According to my notes I was actually supposed to say "burial receptacles" but I didn't think I could do it without tripping over the words. As well it's time once again for Hans Across Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: Oh good, I love Hans.

G-MONEY: Yeah he's a great guy.

A-TRAIN: Yeah.

G-MONEY: Yeah. Latest update is he's almost passed The Novel Hovel.

A-TRAIN: It's not a race Graham.

G-MONEY: It actually is.

A-TRAIN: Did anybody tell Hans?

G-MONEY: I don't know but let's find out together after this short break. Stick around, more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listened to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster}

ANNOUNCER: ... Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster. The only Archbishop approved Catholic prophylactic. Pastor McMasters Cremaster Disaster, sure beats a mustard plaster.