Difference between revisions of "Qwerpline Ep08 - Fourth Quarter Transcript"

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Transcript for [[Qwerpline Ep08 - Fourth Quarter]]
{{QwerplineTranscript|Qwerpline Ep08 - Fourth Quarter}}
''{LRR Logo jingle}''
''{graphic: purple LRR logo}''
''{Intro music}''
'''ANNOUNCER:''' You're listed to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...
'''ANNOUNCER:''' You're listed to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...
Line 318: Line 312:
'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity. A bleak for less show exposing the frailties of modern life and maybe some other things. Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity, they've got great dexterity.
'''ANNOUNCER:''' ... Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity. A bleak for less show exposing the frailties of modern life and maybe some other things. Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity, they've got great dexterity.
[[Category:Transcripts]] [[Category:Qwerpline]] [[Category:Qwerpline/Transcripts]]

Latest revision as of 10:26, 20 October 2019

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep08 - Fourth Quarter

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listed to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity}

ANNOUNCER: ... Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity. A bleak burlesque show exposing the frailties modern life and the human condition. Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity, marvel at their temerity.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning nsberg and welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with his honor the aldersman, A-Train. How's it going?

A-TRAIN: You don't need to call me that G-Star.

G-MONEY: It does somewhat mess with my flow, but until I get the notarized document from Thurpston County Council, I legally do.

A-TRAIN: Well I put a triple rush on the paperwork but they're still dragging their heels. Welcome to bureaucracy.

G-MONEY: And to you at home, welcome to QWERPline broadcasting from scenic Nsburg, "The Second Best Miami".

{Graphic: town slogan}

G-MONEY: Of course the Nsburg Tourism Board won the right to use that slogan after defeating Lesser Miami in a sideball tournament in 1979.

A-TRAIN: And they're still sore about it to this day. Huh, eat it.

G-MONEY: Yes since then they've been stuck with the slogan "Still Legally A Miami". So it's not really surprising they'd be so upset.

A-TRAIN: Think they would have been smart enough to change the slogan after all this time.

G-MONEY: Yeah. Maybe they could contract the Nsburg Tourism Board, they seem to have a lot of time on their hands.

A-TRAIN: They don't outsource.

G-MONEY: And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: Disaster on the Shaughnessy River yesterday as there was a collision and subsequent melee between what officials are calling a sapphic adventure barge and a replica Scandinavian u-boat with spinners welded to the side.

A-TRAIN: Floating on dubs.

G-MONEY: Not anymore that submersible is not going anywhere, anytime soon. While crew and passengers from both vessels were treated for injuries there were no fatalities; unless you count beavers, which, for tax purposes the City of Nsburg, does so there were 25 fatalities.

A-TRAIN: A public service will be held on Sunday at the Town Hall with the reception to follow at the Town Hall.

G-MONEY: And we'd like to remind boatorists that the Shaughnessy River is really not that wide and to take extra caution when travelling upon it. This message brought to you by the Nsberg Volunteer Coast Guard.

A-TRAIN: I thought they were largely ceremonial.

G-MONEY: That's actually not the case Alex. A lot of people think that but ever since Nsburg became landlocked the Volunteer Coast Guard has jurisdiction over the Shaughnessy River, the Chumble Flood Plane, the Nsburg Culvert Grid, every storm drain from East Sump Acres to just outside the Jewelsburg city limits, and - owing to some oddly specific wording from the ratification of the volunteer Coast Guard - a smattering of bathtubs in Raster Heights.

A-TRAIN: What? Not the pool?

G-MONEY: No, Gordon hates raccoons.

{Laugh break}

ALEX: It's one guy!

A-TRAIN: Really? That's his only job. I could do better than that.

G-MONEY: Well I mean, it's, it's a volunteer position you could ...

A-TRAIN: Got my hands full already thanks.

G-MONEY: In other news it's the quarter for holiday season so the city has once again uncondemned Nattering Pines shopping mall, for all your shopping needs.

{Graphic: Nattering Pines Shopping Mall}

A-TRAIN: So grab yourself a hardhat and bring the kids.

G-MONEY: And among the exciting things for you and your family to see at the mall: you can get your picture taken with your choice of twelve Santa's, there are festive sales across the board - everywhere from Camel Cove Caramel Collective to the Chachki Hut, the food court is having a "How much can you drink” eggnog competition.

A-TRAIN: Protip: it's less than you think.

G-MONEY: And the food court fountain has been converted into a deep-fry cauldron for the traditional frying up of the turduckcoons.

A-TRAIN: Here's hoping they remember to scold the fur off this time.

G-MONEY: Well, they don't I mean that's that's why the raccoon is the core. You can just sort of eat around it.

A-TRAIN: We have some weird traditions around here don't we?

G-MONEY: Whatever you say your honor. Speaking of the fourth-quarter holidays.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

G-MONEY: It's time to go over to our summer intern Derek, who's at Nsburg high school where they are preparing for tonight's annual fourth-quarter holiday dance. How's it going Derek?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: Um, well, I mean I'm back at the high school like you told me, but what last time I left they said I didn't have to come back anymore, so I don't know this is okay.

{Laugh break}

DEREK: I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I?

G-MONEY: No, no, Derek. You're fine. You're not there to attend the school, you're just reporting on prepping for the dance.

DEREK: Okay. Well, I'm near the gymnasium right now and the doors are wide open so I'll just go in and we'll see who's left in the school.

A-TRAIN: What do you mean who's left?

DEREK: Well, after I graduated they said everybody was leaving.

A-TRAIN: Derek you know they get a new class every year right.

DEREK: Ow, wow, that's Mrs. Snuffstitch. She used to be the principal when I was here.

{Caption added: Susan Snuffstitch - Principal, Nsburg High}

SNUFFSTITCH: Why Derek I'm still the principal.

DEREK: no, that's not true. That's impossible. I thought we were all graduating together Mrs. Snuffstitch.

SNUFFSTITCH: Oh Derek, you are always so creative. But now that you've graduated, you can call me Susan.

DEREK: No. (fading)

UNKNOWN: Derek? Is this the interview? I've always wanted to be on the radio.

DEREK: Who are you?

{Caption added: Lance Clint - Student Council President}

UNKNOWN: I'm Lance Clint. I'm the student council president.

DEREK: No, that's not right. Toby McCoy is the student council president.

CLINT: Who is he talking about Mrs. Snuffstitch?

DEREK: This isn't right, I didn't vote for you. I'm telling everyone on the radio you're a fraud.

CLINT: Oh no, what's that gonna do to my credibility, both street and otherwise?

SNUFFSTITCH: Hold on now boys. Now Lance, Derek is here from QWRP where he works now.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: He's just the summer intern.

SNUFFSTITCH: He's here to interview us about the fourth quarter dance. Lance, why don't you tell him about all of your plans?

CLINT: The fourth quarter dance is the most romantic of all dances of the quarterly holiday festivals. So I've been working really hard to make sure we get a boss DJ, and some lights, and a smoke machine and some glow sticks, so that everyone can wave them around as they rave all night. Well, actually not all night, all afternoon because we have to shut down before 9:00.

DEREK: A rave? We never had one of those. we had Grandpa Thrum come in with his accordion we had the line dance for three hours.

CLINT: You got to stay up with the times old man.

DEREK: I'm 19.

CLINT: I know. Well line dancing is all fine and good, but I thought with the rave with all the bumping and the grinding and the wild flailing, I might be able to make it to accidental second base with Melody Yum.

DEREK: Well that's not right. Sideball putters don't touch bases, they have to tap the ring.

CLINT: Haha, you've been to a fourth quarter dance before. I'm hoping for that later.

SNUFFSTITCH: Okay Lance, we're gonna have a long talk after this radio interview is over about the darkness and flailing you've got planned. And I just want to point out that if you try to get fresh with Melody Yum, she's gonna clean break your arms.

A-TRAIN: So is the dance happening or what?

G-MONEY: Coz it sounds like it maybe shouldn't. SNUFFSTITCH: No, no, the dance is still happening. I'm going to text Grandpa Thrum as soon as I'm off the phone and ...

{Sound effect: Alarm}

SNUFFSTITCH: .. Oh, just one second.

{Sound effect: Taking pills}

SNUFFSTITCH: All right now Lance, why don't you go wait for me in my office? And Derek do you have any other questions?

DEREK: Since I came back here do I get to pick different electives this time? I don't want to do shop again. Not after what happened with the leather punch.

SNUFFSTITCH: Derek I am so impressed and surprised that you have a full-time job now.

DEREK: Thanks Mrs. Snuffstitch. I'll see you in first period.


G-MONEY: Thank You Derek.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: So it sounds like if you want to head to the Nsburg High School fourth quarter dance ... Actually, sounds worth it just to see what the heck's gonna happen.

A-TRAIN: Yeah I don't know how you're supposed to dance to grandpa Thrums music with glow sticks.

G-MONEY: Also isn't grandpa Thrum epileptic?

A-TRAIN: Ooh someone should tell them.

G-MONEY: Well it can't be us, because now it's time for the weather with Sadie Casperson.

{Graphic and music: weather}

G-MONEY: How's it going Sadie?

{Caption: Sadie Casperson - QWRP Meteorologist}

CASPERSON: Well it's fantastic because it's unseasonable warm and incredibly rainy.

G-MONEY: For different values of fantastic I guess.

CASPERSON: As our listeners are no doubt aware, if they look out their windows, it is pouring buckets outside. That's gonna continue for the rest of the week. On Tuesday it's gonna be rainy. On Wednesday we're looking at showers. On Thursday we have a light drizzle, moving into a heavy drizzle, moving into a torrential downpour. And on Friday, double rain.

G-MONEY: Does that mean it'll rain twice or twice as much?


A-TRAIN: It works out to four times as much.

G-MONEY: Er, what, what, what brought on this unseasonable weather Sadie?

CASPERSON: Well Graham, there's a couple of explanations for it. Your average meteorologist would probably say it's a high pressure front combining with warm air coming up from the south, but what I think it is, is divine vengeance.

A-TRAIN: Go on.

{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: Vengeance for what though?

CASPERSON: Oh, have you seen this town? I mean there's debauchery. There's lawlessness. Weightlessness. There's Ball Hinkley's perfumes.

A-TRAIN: Well this place does kind of smell like brimstone.

CASPERSON: I was thinking more the ones that smell like coochies. Nsburg has become a den of sin and to boot we've forgotten the true meaning of the fourth quarter.

G-MONEY: Well Sadie, thank you.

CASPERSON: Or it could be climate change. But no matter which way it shakes out, may God's mercy be upon us you filthy sinners. Bye guys.

{Graphic: QWERPline}


A-TRAIN: You want to go to church?

G-MONEY: Will Sadie be there?

A-TRAIN: She can't be in all of them at once.


A-TRAIN: Yeah let's not risk it. G-MONEY: But speaking of being judged by men in the sky it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam ...

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: Nice. Oh no!

G-MONEY: ... Speaking of being judged by men in the sky it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

{Sound effect: wind and rain}

RICHTER: Warm and moist Graham.

G-MONEY: What is that noise Richter? what's going on up there? RICHTER: As you should know, once every quarter the QWRP traffic Qwopter is grounded for routine maintenance. But no force on this earth can keep me from my rightful place amongst the birds.

A-TRAIN: Except for that time you were in a fan boat.

RICHTER: That was by choice Alex. And also, there were ducks.

G-MONEY: How are you in the air Richter?

RICHTER: Thermal Graham. Thermals acting upon the miracle that is the hang glider. And those sound you hear are the tiny pitter-pat feet of raindrops, landing upon my wings.

G-MONEY: You're riding the thermals? How long have you been up there?

RICHTER: Thanks to the unseasonably warm weather, I have been up here for over 7 hours now. However, I will need to return to earths cold embrace to remove some liquid ballast by taking the largest piss of my life.

A-TRAIN: Richter, I admire your restraint. I'm surprised you haven't just let go mid-flight.

RICHTER: Oh my god, why hadn't I thought of that?

A-TRAIN: Ritcher, no.

RICHTER: Oh the sweet relief. I could probably stay up here for another 7 hours if I so desired. G-MONEY: Eyes on the prize Richter: traffic.

RICHTER: Well if your driving on Highway 3 right now, watch out!

A-TRAIN: Gross.

RICHTER: Back to you.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: Usually it's figurative when Richter does that to us.

G-MONEY: And with that it is almost time for the break. When we come back tonight in the square the Berg Scouts are officiating the lighting of the fourth-quarter tree.

A-TRAIN: Let's hope it catches this time.

G-MONEY: They haven't been marinating in white gas for the last three days for nothing.

A-TRAIN: Whoa Vava voom.

G-MONEY: And we'll be hearing from Jimmy Jam's afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol as they've taken all the fire extinguishers near town square and replaced them ... oh my god we need to warn them.

A-TRAIN: Gus, fill time. We gotta go be heroes.

G-MONEY: More QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity}

ANNOUNCER: ... Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity. A bleak for less show exposing the frailties of modern life and maybe some other things. Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity, they've got great dexterity.