Qwerpline Ep05 - The Several Rs Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep05 - The Several Rs

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Hetty Resetti's Sphaghetti Machete}

ANNOUNCER: ... Hetty Resetti's Sphaghetti Machete. When you're cooking for an army, fight off their hunger with Hetty Resetti's Sphaghetti Machete, gets sweaty with Getti.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Welcome to QWERPline G-Money here with A-Train, how's it going A-Train?

A-TRAIN: Not so loud. There was a Pipesman open house last night

G-MONEY: I'm, there was a what?

A-TRAIN: A Pipesman open house, with an open bar?

G-MONEY: Ah.

A-TRAIN: And an open drain.

G-MONEY: I see. I assume you made ample use of the open drain then?

A-TRAIN: Almost exclusively Graham.

G-MONEY: Gross. You might want to back off the headphones a little bit while I welcome our listeners and hope that they have a beautiful morning, unlike Alex here, in beautiful Nsbur: “A Capital City".

{Graphic: town slogan}

G-MONEY: We are required by the Nsburg Tourism Board to remind you all, of course, that capital being used in this form is the adjective. It's actually the fourth adjective down on dictionary.com meaning excellent or first-rate. Nsburg: A Capital City. And not in any way the capital city of Therpston County.

A-TRAIN: Yeah those assholes over in Jewelsberg get that honor.

G-MONEY: That's right Alex it's it's always important to know your history and, as we all know, when Richard Therpston founded Therpston County in 1973; seceding from neighboring Greensboro County, he could have selected any of the townships as capital and he went with Jewelsberg. No one actually knows why but everyone has their own pet theories.

A-TRAIN: You can just say double commies I'm sure they say worse about us.

G-MONEY: First of all we can't say that Alex. Secondly I'm pretty sure that no one in Jewelsberg knows who we are. The antenna does not reach that far.

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: yeah but what if, wait, what if we got in the mobile broadcast van we, like, drove it up the mountain?

G-MONEY: No.

A-TRAIN: Wa, and then we could get the range.

G-MONEY: No.

A-TRAIN: And then they would know who we are.

G-MONEY: No.

A-TRAIN: That's so ...

G-MONEY: Time for the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: Community reminder that it's the season for Girl Scout cookies again.

A-TRAIN: So if you see those tan berets coming get out your wallet or protect your knees.

G-MONEY: What's your favorite flavor of Girl Scout cookie Alex?

A-TRAIN: Not the knees.

G-MONEY: I like the thick mints.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, those are pretty alright. I think they're double thick this year.

G-MONEY: That's real thick. Next up a reminder from Nsburg Rec that the community pool is closed for the season and it has been for the past three weeks. But that they asked us to remind everyone that it is indeed closed. It is not filled with water and to please stop breaking in and trying to swim in it. It's already filling up with raccoons just wait till next summer.

A-TRAIN: And the raccoons on the pool deck are trained but not certified lifeguards.

G-MONEY: Trained for what?

A-TRAIN: Jesus I'm tired.

G-MONEY: And finally in the news today, Bumper Crop Farms is pleased to announce the opening of this year's corn maze.

{Graphic: Bumper Crops Farms}

A-TRAIN: Wait, no seriously, is it corn or is it maize? This bugs me every year.

G-MONEY: It's open and since they planted the corn on time this year the maze will actually be taller than waist high.

A-TRAIN: So it is maize.

G-MONEY: let's go now to traffic and Richter Hammockslam up in QWRP Traffic Qwopter.

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}'’

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

G-MONEY: How's it going up there Richter?

RICHTER: Circularly, Graham. Traffic is moving smoothly has has been for hours now. With no stops except occasionally for refueling and sometimes a fresh set of tires.

G-MONEY: Where the hell are you Richter?

RICHTER: The Jewelsberg Motor Oval, Graham.

G-MONEY: What are you doing there?

RICHTER: Hedging my bets.

G-MONEY: What?

RICHTER: I peaked early Graham. Traffic announcing is not the best I can do, I've just realized, and therefore I'm grasping for that brass ring the ring of the International World of Sports. Chet Buntsman is a butt and I could do his job blindfolded.

G-MONEY: Oh my god Richter. Are you blindfolded right now?

RICHTER: I can see it all with my mind.

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: Well I can't wait for our next item. "Idiot helicopter pilot ruins Jewelsberg stupid oval."

G-MONEY: Richter we will talk later, but in an effort to get anything useful out of this: who's winning the race?

RICHTER: I don't know Graham. Telepathy only gets you so far with all the cars look the same. Back to you.

G-MONEY: Thanks Richter.

A-TRAIN: Can we go to art? That sounds less high-energy.

G-MONEY: Sounds great. Let's get Edith Slump in here.

A-TRAIN: Wait, can I change my mind?

{Graphic: It's the Arts graphic}’’

‘’{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts & Culture}

G-MONEY: Good morning Edith. How are you today?

EDITH: Well, I'm a little hurt after Alex's remark but otherwise fine I guess.

G-MONEY: Terrific and congratulations on winning Turnip Princess at the Harvest Festival.

EDITH: Well I always do say that second place is the first loser, but by heart does sing when I put on this tiara.

G-MONEY: Well it looks great on you.

A-TRAIN: It's so bright.

G-MONEY: What are you here to tell us about today?

EDITH: Well Graham, the Nsburg Symphony Orchestra ...

{Nsburg Symphony Orchestra graphic}

EDITH: ... as we know is doing its annual Art in the Park concert series.

G-MONEY: Right. Which park?

EDITH: Nsburg Municipal Park Graham. The only park big enough to host the Symphony Orchestra and an audience for them.

G-MONEY: Just asking for the everyman at home.

EDITH: Come on Graham I think Neil is smarter than that.

A-TRAIN: It's true, Neil. Every man has one the Town Hall Pub Quiz five weeks running.

G-MONEY: Wow I guess I underestimated him.

A-TRAIN: Yeah the guy's on fire.

G-MONEY: Oh well, alright then. Uh, so Edith what do they have planned for the concert series?

EDITH: The theme of this year's concert is attracting young people.

G-MONEY: Do you think they can do that?

EDITH: Well they're gonna try. Thursday night they're having a Taylor Swift greatest hits montage.

G-MONEY: From the Symphony Orchestra? Don't they have like eight timpanis?

EDITH: Correct but if you've ever wanted to hear Bad Blood played on a solo oboe, Thursday is your night.

A-TRAIN: I kind of do now.

EDITH: I admit my interest is piqued as well. However if you're not a fan of the t-swizzle, first maybe you should realign your priorities as she is a national treasure, and second maybe the Saturday night offering would be more up your alley. Where symphony is getting together to play the greatest hits of Skrillex.

G-MONEY: How?

EDITH: they've got like nine violins that are going to do the wicka wicka wicka part from Bangarang.

{Laugh break}

EDITH: Well Alex, given your current condition maybe you'd like the symphony Sunday night offering more. Which is of course the return of symphony karaoke.

G-MONEY: They're doing what?

EDITH: That's right, the whole symphony is hard at work learning the solo for Journey's Don't Stop Believing and I'm personally not going to stop believing that they will be able to keep up with the pace of Rapper's Delight this year.

G-MONEY: Whatever poor soul they have on temple block is gonna have his work cut out for him.

EDITH: Did you see Symphony karaoke last year Graham?

G-MONEY: I absolutely did not.

EDITH: Well Graham on like you I'm a patron of our local art scene and I can tell you that the symphony has been hard at work rehearsing with Ball Hinkley to finally nail Rap God. I've got a clip here if you'd like to hear it.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Please no.

EDITH: Your a loss.

G-MONEY: I'll take the loss.

A-TRAIN: Yep fine.

G-MONEY: Do you have any other art things for us Edith?

EDITH: No.

G-MONEY: Why do I keep asking?

EDITH: That that's your problem Graham.

G-MONEY: Well thank you Edith you're always ... a segment of the show.

EDITH: I'm not here every week.

G-MONEY: Next we have a ...

{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}'’

G-MONEY: ... caller, damn it. All right we have a caller. Let's go to the phones with Happy Gunterson. How's it going sir?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Happy Gunderson - Citizen}

HAPPY: Gunderson and I'm not happy.

A-TRAIN: So loud.

G-MONEY: I'm sorry sir what is your first name?

HAPPY: Happy. Just, just Happy. Which I am NOT.

A-TRAIN: Oh boy. Well what's bothering you Mr. Gunderson?

HAPPY: The crosswalk in my back yard, as I said previously.

G-MONEY: When you speak to the person screening the calls we don't hear that. So, so there's a crosswalk they've, they've, they've, the city's built a new crosswalk outside the back of your house and that's bothering you. Why, why is that bothering you?

HAPPY: There's no need for it.

A-TRAIN: The kids got a cross somewhere man.

HAPPY: Cross my backyard? There's nowhere for them to go.

G-MONEY: I assume that you're living in a more rural area, but just because you can see the road from your back window ...

HAPPY: That's an assumption too far. When I say in my back yard, I mean from one end of the property line to the other. The road is in the front of my house and behind me is nothing but scenic desert and a white zebra crossing.

G-MONEY: Wait are you even in town?

HAPPY: oh I'm way out past Highway 3. The salt flats.

G-MONEY: And the city came out there and built a zebra crossing in your backyard?

HAPPY: 3 days of hammering and painting. I got not a lick of sleep during it.

A-TRAIN: I have too many questions and not enough brain cells today.

G-MONEY: I-I'll help you out Alex. What were they hammering?

HAPPY: There's a pavement. They had to pull up the lawn, put down the pavement, then scrape the pavement just to get the paint stick.

G-MONEY: And you didn't get sleep because they were...?

HAPPY: Those workers didn't look like they're from around here. They might have broken into my garage and stolen something.

G-MONEY: Didn't they only work during normal construction hours?

HAPPY: But they could have come back they saw my garage.

G-MONEY: What are you keeping your garage?

HAPPY: None of your business and none of the city's either.

G-MONEY: Okay that's fair. So I can understand, perhaps some sort of clerical error, not realizing that your backyard was within your own property lines but what two streets are they trying to connect with this crosswalk.

HAPPY: There aren't any streets. It's connecting two sections of dirt on the side of my property. This is just the same sort of nincompoopery expect from City Hall since they put that school zone in my driveway.

A-TRAIN: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Zebra crossing, school zone. They were talking about this at the meeting last night.

G-MONEY: With the Secret Pipesmen meeting?

A-TRAIN: It's not that secret.

HAPPY: I knew it.

A-TRAIN: Happy isn't your house in the middle of the road? HAPPY: It's a free country. I bought this house fair and square and it's my property.

A-TRAIN: Oh this is all coming back to me now. They were talking about some dipshit who put his house in the middle of a freeway out of spite.

HAPPY: It's a hell of a commute.

G-MONEY: Wait you own the Highway 3 spite house?

HAPPY: Paid for in cash.

A-TRAIN: How'd you manage that?

HAPPY: None of your business and none of the city's either.

G-MONEY: You're practically a local celebrity Happy. I've never talked to anyone this ... unique.

HAPPY: I'm glad you respect my position Graham.

G-MONEY: That, sure I, all right. Um, what made you want to buy a spite house in the first place?

HAPPY: The answer, Graham, is in the question.

G-MONEY: So going back to your "problem". There's a school zone in front of your house, where as we all know there's no school, you now have a zebra crossing in the back of your house. Why are they doing this to you?

HAPPY: I have no earthly idea.

A-TRAIN: I can answer this one. Gunterson doesn't have a monopoly on spite building.

HAPPY: Gunderson. And pardon?

A-TRAIN: Whatever-son. This is classic Pipesman wrath you're dealing with. You have no real choice except to move.

G-MONEY: Alex is right. It seems like they're trying to drive you out by spite building on your spite building.

HAPPY: Well we'll see how this all turns out when they find out I've got some mineral rights to strip-mine that crosswalk for copper.

A-TRAIN: And I look forward to seeing what happens when they install the new municipal water park on your roof.

HAPPY: Great, I'm gonna need that water for my tailings pond.

{Graphic: QWERPline}'’

A-TRAIN: We're gonna need some popcorn.

G-MONEY: Yeah, we have to send Derek out there next week.

A-TRAIN: Please can we?

G-MONEY: Speaking of Derek ...

A-TRAIN: Dammit!

{Graphic: Live on Location}

G-MONEY: ... He is on location at the reopening of the Nsburg Recycling Center.

{Graphic: The Nsburg Recycling Center}

G-MONEY: Let's go there now. How's it going Derek?

DEREK: It's great guys, I'm having so much fun here. It's like we were making real radio.

G-MONEY: Yeah. How's the, how's the recycling center Derek?

DEREK: It's open again!

G-MONEY: Yes, that's why we sent you down there.

DEREK: It's so cool. It's, it's big and everything's painted blue. Some stuff painted yellow.

G-MONEY: That sounds very similar to how it looked before. What's different now that it's reopened?

DEREK: I don't know I wasn't here before, when it was first opened.

G-MONEY: Do you have the interview we arranged?

DEREK: Oh yeah right, no, she's right here. Her name is Kendra Tiltington ...

{Caption added: Kendra Tiltington - Dir. Waste Management}

DEREK: ... and she's the director of waste management for Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: Holy shit, he got it right.

DEREK: You wrote it on my hand!

G-MONEY: Well fantastic, go ahead Derek.

DEREK: Miss Tiltington what was it like here in the olden times?

{Laugh break}

KENDRA: Well Derek, before we closed the recycling center, it was a recycling center but we had some problems because, although the people of Nsburg are very passionate recyclers, they didn't quite always understand what was and wasn't recyclable. However we have now cleaned up all of the bodies and now we're reopened, but we want to get the message out there about what you can and cannot drop off here at the Nsburg municipal Recycling Center.

DEREK: That's very interesting. I put all my stuff in the blue box.

KENDRA: Derek, that's what's called being part of the problem.

DEREK: Oh no.

KENDRA: That's okay Derek. Do you remember the 3 R's from school?

DEREK: Reading, writing and ... recycling?

KENDRA: Well there we have 3 R's for the recycling center as well. But it's the 3 R's of things you're not supposed to drop off here. Number one is raccoons.

DEREK: That's right I put mine in the pool.

KENDRA: Sure, um, we cannot recycle raccoons, dead or alive, and our employees would really appreciate it if the citizens of Nsburg would stop trying to jam them into the after-hours collections box.

DEREK: I love the collections box I once spent a whole night there.

KENDRA: The, the second R stands for radioactive. And while the Nsburg police never did track down who left that weapons-grade plutonium here, we cannot dispose of that and that was a big reason why we had to be closed for six months.

DEREK: How would anyone have weapons-grade plutonium? You need a breeder reactor to enrich uranium first.

KENDRA: Okay, so the third R is a broad category it stands for "Are you serious? Why would you bring this to the recycling depot?" This includes things like skeletons mob victims, empty mattresses, full mattresses, high ordnance explosives - both exotic and domestic - field hockey sticks, bags of razor blades, centipedes, sacs of razor blades, dream catchers, pallets of razor blades and finally a kiddie pool just filled with loose razor blades. Please people just think about what you are dropping off.

DEREK: Sounds to me like you don't recycle much at all.

KENDRA: No, no, Derek we recycle tons of things here but only things that can be recycled. That includes things like paper and cardboard and plastics and glass and garden waste and offal.

DEREK: Awful what?

KENDRA: An awful lot of it. Sorry just a little recycling humor there. Offal is cow guts and we turn it into raccoon repellent. It doesn't work that great but eh.

A-TRAIN: Did he do it?

G-MONEY: Oh my god.

A-TRAIN: Did he get through a whole interview?

G-MONEY: I think so?

DEREK: Okay, so then for all of our listeners as you heard it here on the radio today. Just put all your things in a big sack and you can bring it on down the recycling center they can take care of all of it for you.

KENDRA: No, no. That is the opposite of what I just said.

DEREK: But that's what my dad always told me. If I don't want this raccoon I can just jam it in that bin.

KENDRA: Why do you have a dead raccoon with you now?

DEREK: I brought it from my collection so I could add to the bin!

KENDRA: No, it's people like you who are the problem here. Oh my god, why?!

DEREK: Back to you.

KENDRA: STOP!

{Graphic: QWERPline}'’

G-MONEY: So close.

A-TRAIN: And yet so far. {Belch}

G-MONEY: Well coming up to the, woah, Alex, oh. That smells ... that smells ... like brimstone? It smells like a cap gun?

A-TRAIN: Yeah I'm trying this new mouthwash. I got at the Harvest Festival.

G-MONEY: Gross. Well when we come back, breaking news: a municipal employee is beating Derek around the head and neck with a dead raccoon.

A-TRAIN: Good.

A-TRAIN: And local rally hero the Chuzzler is finally back from Dakar we'll have him in the studio after this break. Stick around more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Hetty Resetti's Sphaghetti Machete}

ANNOUNCER: ... Hetty Resetti's Sphaghetti Machete. When you're cooking for an army, fight off their hunger with Hetty Resetti's Sphaghetti Machete, get sweaty already.