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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep03 - Break the Banks

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by ...

'’{Graphic: Tom McGee's Chamonix Harmony}'’

ANNOUNCER: ... Tom McGee's Chamonix Harmony. Catch the lyrical stylings of this French Alps barbershop quartet performing at the Esplanade this weekend. Tom McGee's Chamonix Harmony, sing a bar for me.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Hello and welcome to Qwerpline big G-Money here with the A-Train, how's it going A-Train?

A-TRAIN: Hashtag inert.

G-MONEY: I ... Wow that's very noble of you. But regardless of how we are doing, we hope that you are having a great day out there in glorious Nsburg - "The Jewel of Therpston County".

{Graphic: Town slogan}

G-MONEY: Not to be confused with the township of Jewelsberg Therpston County.

A-TRAIN: A lot of diamonds in the rough out there.

G-MONEY: At least three. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: Our lead story should not be surprised anybody from Nsburg: the flooding of the Shaughnessy River and subsequently turning the Shaughnessy Highway into what is now being called by the Nsburg Geological Society "Shaughnessy River 2".

A-TRAIN: Can't believe they let us vote on that G.

G-MONEY: No kidding. I was a big supporter of the "Therpston Nile" but I was outvoted.

A-TRAIN: I know you feel, I was all-in on Shaughnessy River Junior.

G-MONEY: But Shaughnessy River 2 had a very strong social media campaign behind it.

A-TRAIN: It's amazing how many likes you can buy on Facebook these days.

G-MONEY: At least three. Now of course Shaughnessy Highway was, until recently, a major trucking route; so citizens of Nsburg have been without major supplies for the last several weeks most notably gas and oil, now being rationed by our local full serve station the Pass'N'Gas. Also one of this week's sponsors.

{Graphic: Pass’n’Gas}

G-MONEY: Pass'N'Gas, try the coffee.

A-TRAIN: I did. My car went nowhere.

G-MONEY: Indeed most people's cars are going nowhere. Of course we'll have more on this story over the course of the show, but first it's Edith Slump with The Arts.

{Graphic: It's The Arts}

G-MONEY: This week it's Edith's Book Hutch.

EDITH: Hello Graham. Hello Alex.

G-MONEY: Hi there Edith, it's great to have you back.

A-TRAIN: Is it?

EDITH: I'm going to ignore that remark Alex.

G-MONEY: Uh-huh, what do you have for us in the Book Hutch?

EDITH: Well I know things have been trying around here due to the gas rationing, so I wanted to recommend a book this week that would allow people to see things from the same sunny outlook I approach life from.

{Laugh break}

EDITH: Therefore my pick of the week is a personal favorite: Terry McMillan's How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Really?

EDITH: You know I don't think some of the other correspondents get so much pushback here.

G-MONEY: I'm sorry Edith, please continue and tell us about How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

EDITH: So this book, by the author of Waiting to Exhale which is another classic I highly recommend, is about a lady named Stella Payne and she's a really high achieving career woman who has everything; except a man to rock her world, something she's convinced she can do well without, so it's kind of like you and me in this gas situation except instead of gas it's just a dick she needs.

A-TRAIN: Well to paraphrase the late great John Lennon, "all you need is D".

G-MONEY: That is a generous paraphrase.

EDITH: So Stella takes a spur-of-the-moment vacation to Jamaica where she meets a young man half her age who rocks her world. And I think aside from this book being extremely humorous, which is something I appreciate, we can all learn a lesson from it; except we can't get to Jamaica because there's no gas, so you could go to Jamaica in your mind and you could imagine having a wonderful, romantic vacation. But instead of meeting a tall, handsome Jamaican man who smells of citrus maybe it's just a ...

{Laugh break}

KATHLEEN: That's the description.

EDITH: But instead of meeting a tall, handsome Jamaican man who smells of citrus maybe you just meet an average-height guy from Nsburg who is a spare jerrycan of gas. I think that's a picture we could all get behind nowadays.

G-MONEY: That's a rich fantasy there Edith.

EDITH: Thank you.

A-TRAIN: So supposing you found this hypothetical gas man, what would you do then?

EDITH: Is this a self-serve fantasy or full served like the Pass'N'Gas?

A-TRAIN: I was not aware that they offered those services at the Pass'N'Gas.

EDITH: See Alex, this is what you can get when you ask politely.

A-TRAIN: Well I sure learned something today unfortunately.

G-MONEY: Edith do you have any other book recommendations for us this week in the Book Hutch.

EDITH: No.

G-MONEY: Great. Thank you. I value your contributions to the show.

EDITH: You're welcome Graham. One day I'll be able to say the same.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

G-MONEY: Derek, our intern, is live at Shaughnessy River 2. How are you doing today Derek?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: I'm feeling great. I'm having so much fun here at the new river. We should have done this years ago!

A-TRAIN: I can't believe I'm happy to hear from you Derek.

DEREK: Really?!

A-TRAIN: Yep, I feel that way too.

G-MONEY: So Derek is on location at Shaughnessy River 2 to tell us about how things are going down there. Derek what's it look like at the moment?

DEREK: It's really full of water. Most of its from the river. Um, Probably actually all of it's from the river because I don't think it came from anywhere else.

G-MONEY: I was really counting on you this week Derek.

DEREK: For what exactly?

A-TRAIN: Rare glimpse of insight in the mind of Derek there.

DEREK: So Shaughnessy River 2, um is pretty good. It's not as good as the original though I found the original we had a lot more water and it was a lot deeper.

{Graphic: Berg Scouts}

DEREK: I used to canoe doubt with the Burke Scouts, but we probably won't be able to canoe down this one; it's awfully shallow.

{Return to Live on Location graphic and caption}

DEREK: But I'm looking forward to the third one that everyone keeps saying they're gonna put it next Christmas.

G-MONEY: Wait, the third one?

DEREK: Yeah, it's all about trilogies these days.

G-MONEY: Oh. Derek is there anyone there that we can talk to about ... this ... development.

DEREK: I have someone here live.

G-MONEY: Wow really?

A-TRAIN: No shit.

DEREK: I've been asking him questions all day, but he seems pretty evasive. He's not giving me very clear answers.

G-MONEY: Well put him on the line Derek, let us talk to him.

DEREK: All right. No here, no here he wants to talk, no here, no take it. I'll hold it for you.

G-MONEY: Hello?

{Hisses}

G-MONEY: Sir?

{Hisses}

G-MONEY: Ma'am?

{Hisses}

G-MONEY: Hello?

DEREK: No, no, actually ... guys see what I mean he's not giving me any answers.

A-TRAIN: Derek, who are we talking to?

DEREK: He's one of the guys responsible for damming up the river.

G-MONEY: Oh for fucking out loud.

A-TRAIN: Are you kidding me right now?

MURIEL: Is that little boy alright in the head?

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: He's 19.

G-MONEY: So Derek.

DEREK: Yes?

G-MONEY: To be clear.

DEREK: Right?

G-MONEY: You are speaking to a beaver.

DEREK: Yeah, one of the guys who dammed up the river him and his buddies.

G-MONEY: Can you talk to animals?

DEREK: I talk to animals all the time. I never get any good answers though.

A-TRAIN: Are there any adults there we could speak to Derek?

DEREK: Oh this guy's fully grown.

A-TRAIN: Are there any adult humans we could speak with?

DEREK: There's at least a dozen but they're all playing around in the river.

G-MONEY: What are they doing?

DEREK: Watersports.

G-MONEY: That's ... Oh ... mmm.

DEREK: Yeah, no there's guys down there splash each other with it. Some guy got some in his mouth and that's not really good because you're not supposed to drink standing water because it's just been there all day and you got to boil that stuff first.

A-TRAIN: Could we perhaps speak to one of the saner looking water sportsmen.

DEREK: Yeah there's a guy here from the Geological Society. I know that because he and my dad both go to the ...

{Graphic: Secret Pipesman}

DEREK: ... Secret Pipesman Lodge on the weekends.

A-TRAIN: It's not a secret Derek. Everybody knows who the Pipesmen are they get loaded on weekends and take care of our highways.

{Return to Live on Location graphic and caption}

DEREK: That must be why they're out here splashing around.

G-MONEY: Okay, well, sure. Derek can you talk to that guy then, please?

DEREK: Ok he wants to talk to you, no you take it.

UNKNOWN: Hello?

G-MONEY: Hi this is G-Money with A-Train here over on QWERPline, who are we speaking to?

RALPH: Ralph.

{Caption added: Ralph - Nsburg Geological Society}

G-MONEY: Hi Ralph you're from the Nsburg Geological Society, correct?

RALPH: Oh right yeah, yeah.

A-TRAIN: How do things look down there?

RALPH: It's super moist down here, it's actually wet. You really shouldn't build a highway on a floodplain like this, most people know that but, Nsburg.

G-MONEY: Wouldn't it have been the responsibility of the Geological Society to advise against building Shaughnessy Highway on the floodplain?

RALPH: No that's the responsibility of the Geological Survey. We're just like, a fraternal organization.

A-TRAIN: What? Like the Pipesman?

RALPH: How'd you find out about that?

A-TRAIN: You have recruitment posters up in Town Hall.

RALPH: Where we play pool or where you pay your taxes?

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Both?

RALPH: This interview is over.

DEREK: Hey mister. Give me back my phone!

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank you, Derek. Hoping you get your phone back.

A-TRAIN: I'm not.

G-MONEY: We paid for that phone.

A-TRAIN: Okay, godspeed then Derek.

G-MONEY: And now keeping on top of our main story today it's time to go to Richter Hammockslam.

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

G-MONEY: Of course the QWRP traffic Qwopter is grounded due to lack of fuel but apparently we have a fan boat that runs on biodiesel. How's it going out there Richter?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER: Graham, it is magnificant out here on the Shaughnessy 2. I have pulled at least three sick donuts in the past hour. You should have seen the plume I kicked up. I may have to tone it back a little bit Graham, because I think I might have hit one of the people from the Geological Society.

A-TRAIN: Have you done any work out there in the field?

RICHTER: I've been working it day and night since we got this new fan boat and this sick new river. Did you know that you can just dump fry oil in this thing and it will go for days, literal days, Alex, I have been driving for days.

G-MONEY: Richter is there any vehicle traffic out there - at all - that you can see?

RICHTER: What? Of course not I'm the only mechanical thing on this river that's why it's so awesome. Back to you.

G-MONEY: Thank you, I guess, Richter. Well for the rest of us who unfortunately don't have french-fry powered fan boats, we have now in the studio ...

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}'’

‘’{Caption: LIVE IN THE STUDIO: Raphael Crincklestouf - Inventor}

G-MONEY: ... Raphael Crinklestouf, who says that he has a plan to deal with the gasoline rationing. Raphael, welcome.

RAPHAEL: It's our pleasure to be here.

G-MONEY: So how can the average Nsburgian get their cars back on the road?

RAPHAEL: Biomass.

G-MONEY: I'm sorry?

RAPHAEL: Turds, Graham. We use our own turds.

A-TRAIN: Oh boy.

G-MONEY: Use them how?

RAPHAEL: A little-known fact of the internal combustion engine is it will burn anything if you burn it under enough pressure. I've burned my turds.

{laugh break}

GRAHAM: That sounds like a separate thought, I love it.

A-TRAIN: And, er, this process it generates...?

RAPHAEL: Biofuel! The healthiest alternative to fossil fuels.

G-MONEY: So, so Raphael to clarify you're suggesting the people of Nsburg burn their turds.

RAPHAEL: No, not just our turds everyone's turds! Cow turds, dog turds, cat turds, raccoon turds, spider turds, sensual muskrat turds. Have you been out to East Sump Acres and seen the sewage stream? There's thousands of turds floating there! I saw a man floating down it the other week.

A-TRAIN: You were watching?

RAPHAEL: Burn all the turds into glorious fuel! Build a kettle on the back of your pickup truck and just turd in it all day. I get 90 miles to the turd kettle.

G-MONEY: How big is your turd kettle?

RAPHAEL: Big enough for 90 miles.

G-MONEY: O ... kay. So what, huh, what would be the process if someone for Nsburg wanted to make their own turd kettle?

RAPHAEL: An excellent question. I've brought a turd kettle with me. You see normal turds are coiled or in small chunks. What you need is a long straight turd. I have this turd straightening gun that I use to straighten all the turds before I put them in the kettle.

A-TRAIN: That looks like a caulking gun.

RAPHAEL: Unscrew the top of your kettle like so ...

{Sound Effect: Metal scraping}

RAPHAEL: ... and then lift.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: OH! OH! OH ! MURIEL: Oh it smells like a cow exploded in here.

G-MONEY: GOD!

A-TRAIN: OH I understand why that works your car, it smells like raw gasoline.

G-MONEY: WHAT do you EAT?!

RAPHAEL: Agitate the mixture with a cooking spoon or, once you've gotten used to it, I like to use my bare arms.

G-MONEY: UH!

A-TRAIN: OHOHOH SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!

G-MONEY: YOU'RE TOUCHING IT!

RAPHAEL: You see the magic is in the enzymes doing all the work, as long as you sufficiently aerate the mixture with your hands.

G-MONEY: IT'S ON YOUR SKIN!

A-TRAIN: I'm calling the Hazmat team!

RAPHAEL: Scrape the remaining mixture off your arm so you don't waste any of your precious turds.

G-MONEY: Who CLEARED this guy?!

A-TRAIN: Well it sure as hell wasn't me.

RAPHAEL: Be sure to wash yourself clean, but not too quickly; it's an excellent moisturizer as well.

G-MONEY: GOD NO!

RAPHAEL: Soft like a baby.

G-MONEY: Mr... Mr. Crinklestouf, could you please put the lid back ... could you please put the lid back on that kettle?

RAPHAEL: Certainly! Screw it back on.

{Sound Effect: Metal scraping}

RAPHAEL: Excellent, now you just let it ferment for four to six weeks and plug it into your vehicle.

G-MONEY: My eyes are burning.

A-TRAIN: So what you're telling us is that if we make a turd slurry in six weeks we'll be able to drive our car again?

RAPHAEL: Incorrect.

G-MONEY: Do you have a spare mask?

RAPHAEL: This is simply the fresh mixture. Now I brought another kettle with six weeks fermentation.

G-MONEY: Mr. Crinklestouf, I don't know if you can understand me: please do not open that kettle!

RAPHAEL: Open the kettle? I wouldn't recommend it here in the studio, but if you insist.

{Sound Effect: Metal scraping}

A-TRAIN: OH GOD IT'S EATING THROUGH THE FILTER!

RAPHAEL: It's pure fuel now!

G-MONEY: I'm afraid that's all the time we have Mr. Crinklestouf.

{Sound effect: Crashing}

RAPHAEL: Who are these men? Get them off me.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: We need to go to a quick break now. Or perhaps a very extended break.

A-TRAIN: Only as long as broadcast guidelines will allow us.

G-MONEY: When we come back Derek will be on location with the Nsburg Pipesmen for their annual time capsule opening.

A-TRAIN: Oh good, I was looking forward to getting my watch back.

G-MONEY: And our friends at Nsburg Hasmat will show us how to completely sanitized a broadcast studio.

A-TRAIN: Which has suddenly become a very pressing issue around here.

G-MONEY: So don't go away QWERPline we'll be right back.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks again to our sponsor ...

'’{Graphic: Tom McGee's Chamonix Harmony}'’

ANNOUNCER: ... Tom McGee's Chamonix Harmony. And be sure to register for your flood refund as all shows are cancelled. Tom McGee's Chamonix Harmony, fuel my car for me.