Qwerpline Ep02 - Damnable Dams Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep02 - Damnable Dams

{LRR Logo jingle}

{graphic: purple LRR logo}

{intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Qwerpline, here on QWRP fm. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by Chad McRad's Sad Pad.

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ANNOUNCER: A new topical antidepressant from Huffer PharmaChemicals.

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ANNOUNCER: Stick one under each arm and get on with your day already!

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ANNOUNCER: Chad McRad's Sad Pad: get the Pad and get glad!

{music}

BIG G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg! Welcome to Qwerpline, Big G-Money here with A-Train! How's it going A-Train?

A-TRAIN: Like a raver peaking on a yem, grinding me smile into powder.

BIG G-MONEY: So... good? Or-

A-TRAIN: {quickly} Yep!

BIG G-MONEY: O-okay, fan-fantastic! I hope everyone else out there feels as good as Alex does in scenic nsburg: "Turnip Capital of Therpston County!"

{graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: Man I hate turnips! So much flossing after.

BIG G-MONEY: Not a fan myself, but we've got truckloads of the damn things. So here we are.

A-TRAIN: Turn the frown - or turnip! - upside down. They drain better that way.

BIG G-MONEY: I'm pretty sure that's an old wive's tale Alex, I was told you should never invert your turnips.

A-TRAIN: Well let's go to the old wife!

BIG G-MONEY: Well I mean that's why we keep her in the closet: to settle disputes just like this. Uh, Muriel! What do you think?

MURIEL: {muffled} I miss my children!

{sound of door closing}

A-TRAIN: Inconclusive! And now the news.

{News graphic and music}

BIG G-MONEY: Lots of news from around Nsburg this week. The Nsburg Girl Scouts have posted a record high for their annual fund raising goal and a record low number of arrested minors.

A-TRAIN: Well it was touch and go for a couple years there but it's nice to see the county police and girl scouts working together again.

BIG G-MONEY: That's correct. I know a group of six young ladies who are getting their trigger discipline badge this year! Next up, community reminder that municipal property tax is due.

A-TRAIN: Do what?

BIG G-MONEY: D-do... pay it.

A-TRAIN: Oh, never!

BIG G-MONEY: Uh... well if you're not Alex, the municipal property tax is due. This Sunday, at noon. Uh, payable by cash, cheque, or this year: raccoon pelt.

A-TRAIN: And uh, people can pay that at the town hall, correct?

BIG G-MONEY: Uh yes, though to be clear we do mean the actual municipal town hall, not the pool hall that everyone calls the town hall. That is different.

A-TRAIN: Really? They used to collect my taxes when I did pay them.

BIG G-MONEY: That's not... what was happening.

{laugh break}

A-TRAIN: Well fool me once, hit me with a pipe!

BIG G-MONEY: {laughing} Did that happen at the pool hall as well?

A-TRAIN: Oh, all the time.

BIG G-MONEY: I... shudder to ask. Were you ever... fooled twice?

A-TRAIN: Well I can tell ya I didn't walk to work this morning.

BIG G-MONEY: Well that answered... none of my questions. But again, if you take your raccoon pelts to the pool hall, they will not give you a receipt, nor will they validate your parking.

MURIEL: {muffled} Do you boys have a shawl? It's awful drafty!

A-TRAIN: I coulda sworn we soundproofed that closet.

BIG G-MONEY: My thoughts exactly Alex, but for now it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

{Traffic graphic}

{Helicopter white noise starts}

RICHTER: Thank you Graham, it's a beautiful day up here in the air in the Traffic Qwopter and traffic is moving smoothly northbound on the Shaughnessy. However if you are travelling southbound, things are getting blocked up.

BIG G-MONEY: Why's that?

RICHTER: Construction.

BIG G-MONEY: Oh! What-what-what kinda constuction's happening on the Shaughnessy?

RICHTER: Beavers, Graham.

BIG G-MONEY: Excuse me?!

RICHTER: Yes Graham, beavers. It's their natural habitat and mating season is coming soon and they need to provide homes for their young ones.

BIG G-MONEY: Richter, are you flying above the Shaughnessy River and not the Shaughnessy Interstate?

RICHTER: Yes.

A-TRAIN: Richter, for f-{censor bleep}-ks sake!

BIG G-MONEY: Well, as long as you're up there, maybe this is relevant to... some number of local fishermen. What traffic is travelling south on Shaughnessy River?

RICHTER: Ducks, Graham! Ducks and I believe a shoe. N-no on closer inspection that is a croc. Not, not the reptile, but the footwear.

A-TRAIN: Every bit as lethal as it's namesake.

BIG G-MONEY: Well, thank you Richter, as you can hear it's... beak to tail out there on the Shaughnessy south-bound today.

RICHTER: I'm back on in fifteen aren't I?

A-TRAIN: How much does fuel for that chopper cost?

RICHTER: More pelts than you can lift.

{helicopter white noise stops}

{Qwerpline graphic reappears}

BIG G-MONEY: Thanks again Richter, I suppose. And now, for our lead story today, Summer Intern Derek is live on location down at the grand opening of Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet!

{Johnny Jensen graphic}

{graphic caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

{background crowd noise start}

DEREK: I'm sorry?

BIG G-MONEY: Derek, you are live.

DEREK: Oh. Right! I'm at... sorry I forgot the name? It was a meat buffet. Well, they say it's a technically-meat buffet, but you can't tell the difference.

BIG G-MONEY: I- What did they say that means, by the way?

{graphic changes to Live on Location}

{caption does not change}

DEREK: I'm told that it's something to do with Satan.

BIG G-MONEY: What?!

DEREK: They keep saying that, it's, everything's full of Satan here! And I mean it's pretty tasty though I think I'm doing something blasphemous?

A-TRAIN: Do you perhaps mean Seitan? Like, the buddhist meat alternative?

DEREK: Oh no it is blasphemous!

BIG G-MONEY: Derek, I-

DEREK: Oh now I'm gonna have to go to the church and confess.

BIG G-MONEY: {overlapping} Derek?

DEREK: My mom's gonna be so upset.

A-TRAIN: {overlapping} He's doing it again.

DEREK: My dad hates it whenever I go to church.

BIG G-MONEY: You go to synagogue, for one thing.

DEREK: I don't know why he's like that all the time.

A-TRAIN: Even we know that.

DEREK: I mean, Mom's perfectly happy that I go with her, but she needs me to drive her-

BIG G-MONEY: Derek!

DEREK: Oh! Right. Sorry! So, I have an interview. I don't think it's with Johnny Jensen. Uh, 'cuz I don't think there is a Johnny Jensen, I think it's just a clever marketing ploy. But, um, so, but I have an interview, do you wanna hear it?

BIG G-MONEY: Is it live this time?

A-TRAIN: Here we go.

DEREK: I, no, I left my tape recorder at home because of what you told me last time and what you threatened to do with it.

A-TRAIN: Yeah like we said, up to your tonsils.

DEREK: So it's okay 'cuz this time I used my phone to record the interview so I'll play it back through the phone, hang on a second.

A-TRAIN: Incredible.

BIG G-MONEY: I... can't... fathom this.

DEREK: Open the app. {phone menu chime} And... {small beep} Can you hear that? I can't hear it, can you hear- is it playing back on your end?

BIG G-MONEY: Derek.

DEREK: Yeah?

BIG G-MONEY: Please. Put your phone on speaker.

DEREK: Okay, there. Okay, I'll start it again. Okay, here we go. {small beep}

{recording starts}

{kitchen background sounds}

{graphic caption updated to include Name Withheld - Johnny Jensen's Employee}

DEREK: Uh, so, can I ask you a couple questions about the menu?

NAME WITHHELD: Wh-no. Ask your server.

DEREK: No I mean like, the questions that, like not like that. Questions I need for my show!

NAME WITHHELD: How...? How did you get in here?

DEREK: Look I need you to answer some questions so I can keep my job on the radio.

NAME WITHHELD: How did you get past the maitre d', it's very difficult to get in here.

DEREK: There's a maitre d'?!

NAME ALSO WITHHELD: Excuse me, little boy. You're going to have to come with me.

DEREK: I-! I'm not a little boy, I'm nineteen years old!

NAME WITHHELD: How much did he see?

{small beep, phone menu chime. kitchen noises end}

BIG G-MONEY: Steller, um, interview as always, Derek. H-how, how is the food?

DEREK: I recorded more on my phone, did you want to hear that too?

A-TRAIN: Are you actually offering us a choice?

{phone menu chime, small beep}

{slight crowd noises}

DEREK: {chewing sounds} 'Scuse me could I get some o' that {two sips from a straw, more chewing} no, some of the sauce? {chewing} Yeah, no that's good, thank you. {more chewing sounds}

BIG G-MONEY: {overlapping} Derek?

DEREK: {is still chewing, inhales} I'm gonna need the bill later, but you can charge it to the, to the radio station.

BIG G-MONEY: Oh no!

DEREK: It's good. {long sip from straw}

A-TRAIN: Talk to the accountant. We've gotta, we've gotta talk to Jeff.

DEREK: Are you sure this is gluten-free?

BIG G-MONEY: D-Derek, is this just-

A-TRAIN: He keeps doing this!

BIG G-MONEY: Is this just you eating?

DEREK: I'm pretty sure I can taste gluten.

BIG G-MONEY: Like, worst case, can we at least get him a better microphone?

DEREK: {sips from straw} No that's good.

A-TRAIN: Better or worse? {laughs slightly}

BIG G-MONEY: Well if he's gonna keep doing this we should at least give him something.

DEREK: {with food in his mouth} So what kind of meat is this technically supposed to be?

BIG G-MONEY: God, it's sounds like he's eating inside my ears.

DEREK: {extended sip from straw}

MURIEL: {muffled} That little boy should be chewing with his mouth closed!

BIG G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: {simulatenously} He's nineteen.

DEREK: All I can eat? I have to do that every day, do I just come back tomorrow?

BIG G-MONEY: Derek.

{phone menu chime}

DEREK: So, I guess all in all, it was pretty good. I mean didn't pay for it 'cuz you guys said you were gonna. And so I thought it was worth the money.

BIG G-MONEY: Alex, do you have... any memory of this conversation?

A-TRAIN: I sure don't, but this is an exquisite culinary insight.

DEREK: I'm gonna bring my girlfriend here once I get one.

A-TRAIN: Such a romantic.

{sound of a landline phone hanging up followed by a dial tone}

BIG G-MONEY: Thank you Derek, live on location at the grand opening of Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet. I look forward to checking it out anytime Derek's not there.

DEREK: I'm supposed to come back tomorrow, it's all I can eat!

A-TRAIN: I was positive we'd hung up on him.

BIG G-MONEY: Well now it's time for Sports with Chet Buntsman.

{Sports graphic and music}

{graphic caption: Chet Buntsman - QWRP Sports Reporter}

A-TRAIN: How are you doin' over in the comfy chair, Chet?

CHET BUNTSMAN: Faaaantastic, Alex. Once again, the nsburg Talcum Puffs {Talcum Puffs graphic appears} managed to triumph over their rivals, the Jewelsburg Diamonds, {Jewelsburg Diamonds graphic appears} no thanks to their coach Dr. McFeels.

BIG G-MONEY: That's Talcum Puffs: nsburg High School's famous field hockey team {Talcum Puffs graphic appears} sponsored, of course, by Raymond's Talc Barn. {graphic}

MURIEL: {muffled} Ooh, I love their powders!

A-TRAIN: We're politely ignoring you, ma'am.

BIG G-MONEY: Indeed we are. {Sports graphic reappears} So Chet, uh, great news then for the Talcum Puffs field hockey team, uh what's next for the team?

CHET BUNTSMAN: The girls are gonna have a real tough time practicing for the next game because the field's been cut two tenths of an inch too short. Something McFeels doesn't care about but never would've happened under my watch.

BIG G-MONEY: Chet, we all know that you successfully coached the Talcum Puffs to a Therpston County championship last year. They asked you not to come back or talk about it, which is why you're here now. So please just get used to it.

A-TRAIN: Chet that's an awful small amount of grass, does it really make a difference?

CHET BUNTSMAN: It's a game of inches, Alex. A game of many inches, played over many minutes, on a field, that happens to be full of holes now.

BIG G-MONEY: What's that?

CHET BUNTSMAN: Holes, Graham. It's like a slice of swiss cheese that's been left out to get moldy, because it's full of holes but it's also green.

A-TRAIN: That's a very laborious metaphor, uh, congratulations on the long walk, Chet.

CHET BUNTSMAN: It's a game of inches, Alex.

{laugh break}

CHET BUNTSMAN: It's a game of inches, Alex. And I'm willing to go the distance, just like I did with our girls last year.

BIG G-MONEY: At this point, I feel I should make it clear that Chet was asked not to come back to the team for no reason other than: he is heavily emotional and while a great coach pre-game, would spend the games themselves curled into a fetal position, sobbing.

CHET BUNTSMAN: I have since learned to feel in silence, Graham.

A-TRAIN: Well that's super. Where do these holes come from?

BIG G-MONEY: Yes, Alex, thank you. Chet, these holes, what's up with that?

CHET BUNTSMAN: Who knows? I could ask McFeels about his sh-{censor bleep}-ty field but I'm not the coach.

A-TRAIN: As you've made us abundantly aware.

BIG G-MONEY: Any sports news from nsburg High School apart from field hockey, Chet?

CHET BUNTSMAN: I dunno, there was a track-and-field something-or-other that happened last weekend and we'll find out how Dale Chuzzle did in Dakar in a couple weeks.

A-TRAIN: What, like the rally?

BIG G-MONEY: Yes, everyone back here in nsburg is rooting for the Chuzzler!

CHET BUNTSMAN: We're all real proud of Dale. Well except McFeels I bet, 'cuz he doesn't seem to care about anything!

BIG G-MONEY: Well thank you Chet, as always, enlightening.

{Qwerpline graphic}

A-TRAIN: I tell ya, I haven't seen salt like that since I toured the Dead Sea.

BIG G-MONEY: Have to remind you again, Alex, that was not the Dead Sea, that was the sewage outfall in East Sump Acres.

A-TRAIN: Well it was real salty and I did float on it.

BIG G-MONEY: Yeah I remember that day Alex. It was uh... right before work. Well, uh, coming up to the break we have a, caller? We have a caller.

A-TRAIN: Didn't we just change our number?

{Let's Go to the Phones graphic}

BIG G-MONEY: I thought so too. But uh, indeed on the line we have Lorna... {distantly} really?! You're sure- Alright. {facing the mike again} L-Lorna Schlitzwhistle, who is a concerned citizen. Lorna, you're inexplicably on the air.

{graphic caption: ON THE PHONE: Lorna Schlitzwhistle - Concerned Citizen}

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Hiiiii.

{laugh break}

KATHLEEN: 's like...

GRAHAM: Yup.

KATHLEEN: She's very like, floaty

{sound of wind and birds in background}

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Hi Grant, hi Alan!

BIG G-MONEY: Look, I got your name right.

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: I just want everybody to know something I'm really concerned about. There's weefees that have been installed at the public library and I'm only five blocks away and I'm concerned that this is unsafe for my health and the health of all of the children that live in West Sump Acres.

BIG G-MONEY: 'Weefees'?

A-TRAIN: Uh, Schlitzwhistle, could you elaborate for us?

BIG G-MONEY: Please let's call her Lorna.

A-TRAIN: I think that's a really familiar tone to take for a random caller.

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Okay, so the weefees carry the information through the air but they carry it on little cancer waves. And it gets into your brain and more importantly, my bees are very upset! They can feel the weefees in their tiny bodies with their tiny wings and I have a healing crystal but it takes a very long time to rub a crystal on each bee and I keep losing track of them and I mean, I try to get them to stay still but I mean they are bees and you have to let them do bee things because that's how they want to beeeeeee!

A-TRAIN: {away from the mike a bit} Oh I got it! {back at the mike} She's talkin' about wifi.

BIG G-MONEY: I-, really?

A-TRAIN: A-yup.

BIG G-MONEY: I-, look, Lorna-

A-TRAIN: {insistently} Mrs Schliztwhistle.

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Miss.

BIG G-MONEY: Shocking. Look, what do you mean your bees are upset?

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh by Gaia's toenails, I'm so glad you asked! Normally they buzz counter-clockwise three times every hour as a way of saying thank you to the sun. But since they installed the weefees-

{laugh break}

ALEX: {laughing} I can't do it!

{clapping}

{Alex moans in laughing pain}

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: But since they installed the weefees, they buzz clockwise, five times an hour. Their bee-cadian rhythms-

{laugh break}

KATHLEEN: Oh scr-

{laughter, a clap}

KATHLEEN: Wh-, {still laughing} I'm sorry, it's so stupid, it's making me-

SOMEONE: No!

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: But since they installed the weefee, they buzz fives times clockwise every hour. And I think their bee-cadian rhythms are all crazy now because of the information buzzing through the air from the weefees.

BIG G-MONEY: I... am asking you this, as a courtesy. Do you have any suggestions as to how nsburg could solve this problem?

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh yes, I've been thinking a lot about this, I think that we need to construct a net of dreamcatchers around all of the weefee emitters in town if we can't get rid of them, which would be the better solution of course, but that will filter out the toxins from the chakras and I don't think that that would be too onerous for the city to do. We could have all of the dreamcatchers blessed, because the only other option is to purify the lunar cycle of each bee and that is going to take a very long time. I am going to need a lot more crystals!

A-TRAIN: So Schlitz, just to clarify, you're talking about invisible death rays that are disrupting your bees?

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Not just my bees, all of the bees of the earth! Both literal and proverbial.

{laugh break}

GRAHAM: {laughing} What?

KATHLEEN: Doesn't make any sense.

A-TRAIN: And these, uh, death rays are being emitted from a linksys router? Maybe?

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh by Gaia, no! I don't speak the name of any of the weefee demons!

BIG G-MONEY: Lorn-, um Miss... {sighs} Caller, it sounds like you're speaking to us from outside, h-how, how are you calling us today?

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh I've got you on my Samsung Galaxy Note, it's a phablet!

A-TRAIN: Don't those also have weefees?

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh no, I put a dreamcatcher around it and had it blessed.

A-TRAIN: Well your complaint is being... received by other humans!

LORNA SCHLITZWHISTLE: Oh thank you! And I just want to send out a very special message to all of the other listeners here and I just wanna say thank you to Mother Sun Goddess and all of the beautiful things that she does and all of the moonlight and flowers that she bestows upon us and if you want to reach the sun goddess and you need a dreamcatcher, you can get them on my Etsy store!

A-TRAIN: There it is.

{sound of a landline phone hanging up, followed by a dial tone}

BIG G-MONEY: Thank you, Lorna Schlitzwhistle for calling in. Please, nobody else phone in.

{Qwerpline graphic}

MURIEL: {muffled} Can I go now?

A-TRAIN: Absolutely not, 'cuz it's almost time for break!

BIG G-MONEY: And when we come back, local high school coach Dr. McFeels takes out a restraining order on our own Chet Buntsman. We'll go to Chet for a reaction.

A-TRAIN: Why?!

CHET BUNTSMAN: Man, f-{censor bleep}-ck that guy!

BIG G-MONEY: And we'll let you know how many beavers it takes to flood the Shaughnessy Highway.

A-TRAIN: 'Cuz it happened.

BIG G-MONEY: Stick around folks, we'll be right back with more Qwerpline.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks again to our sponsor, Chad McRad's Sad Pad.

{sponsor logo graphic}

ANNOUNCER: A new topical antidepressant from Huffer PharmaChemicals. Stick one under each arm and just get the hell out of bed! Chad McRad's Sad Pad: get glad on the pad!

{credits} {music fades away}