Punchr Transcript

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Transcript for Punchr.


{Scene opens with a shot of James looking like a thug. Paul narrates while Apple-esque music plays}

Ken (Paul): This is Dwayne. Frustration, anger and disappointment at his own failure in life has caused him to lash out and become a bully. He was in three bar fights last week, has to stay at least one hundred feet from his former boss at all times, due to a restraining order, and is currently in fourth place in an unsanctioned bare-knuckles boxing league. Dwayne really likes to punch people.

{Scene pans to Graham looking and acting like a douche.}

Ken: This is Chad. Chad is a huge douche that, due to a trust fund, has never had to work a day in his life. He dumped his last girlfriend on her birthday after having sex with her best friend and deciding she was too fat, calls everything he doesn't like gaytarded, and routinely parks the Lamborghini he received as a graduation present across two handicapped parking spaces. Chad really deserves to get punched in the face.

{Pan to images of Dwayne and Chad side by side.}

Ken: Dwayne really likes punching people. And Chad is a person that deserves to be punched. What if there were a way to bring them together? Well now there is.

{The line dividing the images of Dwayne and Chad disappears and the Punchr logo appears. Dwayne attacks Chad.}

Ken: Introducing: Punchr. The social network that's gonna make a real impact.

{Scene pans to Ken introducing himself}

Ken: Hi, I'm Ken Lawson. And for the past two years, my dream has been to create a new kind of mobile social networking app. And with your help, we can make that dream a reality. Twitter lets you know what you should be angry about. Facebook lets you envy the fake lives of people you can't remember. And Instagram lets you show the world faux-vintage photos of your sandwich. But current social networks fall short in one important area. And that's where Punchr comes in. Punchr allows borderline psychopathic bullies, like Dwayne, to redirect their violence for the good of the community. By kicking the crap out of assholes like Chad.

{Flash to "How does it work?"}

Ken: Using Punchr is very simple. First: Install the app on your mobile device. Then, if someone is being an asshole...

{Chad walks by and nearly knocks Ken over}

Chad (Graham): Hey, watch where you're going, gaytard!

Ken: Just tag them with the app. {Tags Chad}

{Pan to Chad's Punchr profile}

Ken: When I tag Chad, I can see that he already has 399 Up-Punches. So this guy is obviously a big choad. But that's all there is to it.

{Pan back to Ken}

Ken: Tag any assholes you meet during the day, or browse our Douche-rectory and Up-Punch anyone who deserves a beating. {Taps phone}. The real magic happens on Dwayne's phone.

{Pan to Dwayne walking and getting notified on his phone}

Ken: As one of our registered bullies, Dwayne can go about his day normally, but he will receive a notification if he happens to be in close proximity to somebody in the Douche-rectory. The app will not only give him the asshole's name and picture, but it will also tell him how many Up-Punches he has. Kicking Chad's ass will earn Dwayne Punchbucks equal to Chad's total Up-Punches.

{A list of in-app purchases is shown}

Ken: Which can then be used to buy a variety of in-app purchases, like avatar accessories and custom skins. Or real-world rewards, like pornography or protein powder.

{Flash to "Doesn't this app encourage violence?"}

Ken: Far from it. All we're doing is taking violence that would've occurred naturally to the more vulnerable members of our society, like, say, out-of-work mobile app developers, and redirecting it towards people who really deserve a punch in their stupid faces. Like a guy who is the boss's son and downsizes half the company so he could use part of the office as a squash court! For example.


Ken: I truly believe that this app can change the world. But I need your help to make it happen. In addition to receiving your own copy of the app, so you can start Up-Punching and tagging, we have come up with some great ways to say thank you to our more generous backers. From discounts on in-app purchases, to the official limited edition Punchr iPhone case, to adding a person of your choice to the Douche-rectory, no questions asked. We have rewards for every backer level. I hope you will join me to make the world a better place. For most people.


Ken: {Noticeably lower and sadder voice} Hi, I'm Ken Lawson, and six months ago I had a successful Kickstarter campaign for an exciting new mobile social network called Punchr. We released the app last week and it turns out there are some issues with designing an app that rewards people for hurting other people. In addition to a substantial fine and 650 hours of community service, I am now legally obligated to ask you to support my new mobile social network Apologizr. {The Apologizr logo appears.} This app will only be installed on my phone and it will alert me whenever I am close to anyone beaten up due to Punchr. So that I can personally apologize. This is a great cause and we have a lot of exciting rewards for our backers, so please: give generously.