If Only We Had Tarp Transcript

From LoadingReadyWiki
Revision as of 11:04, 14 November 2015 by HamsterWoman (Talk | contribs) (Created page with "Transcript for Feed Dump- If Only We Had Tarp ''{FEED DUMP TITLES}'' '''Kathleen:''' Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, in honor of Katy Perry's awesome concert that...")

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search

Transcript for Feed Dump- If Only We Had Tarp

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, in honor of Katy Perry's awesome concert that happened to have a... football thing happen around it, we are sharks. I am of course left shark, and joining me this week is right shark,

Paul: {DANCING AROUND} I'm the one that can dance!

Kathleen: And, Alex, what shark are you? There's only two sharks.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I was gonna be left shark!

Kathleen: I'm the boss! I'm left shark.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I'll show you, de Vere! {GETS OFF COUCH}

{NOW NEXT TO KATHLEEN ON THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, ONE HAND UP ON HIS HEAD LIKE A SHARK'S FIN} Who's the left shark now? {GNASHES HIS TEETH}

{TITLE: EVERY GIRL CRAZY 'BOUT A SHARK DRESSED MAN SHARKS!/NEWS (SUBTITLE: THIS REFERENCE WILL AGE WELL, I'M SURE)}

Kathleen: An Alabama truck driver caused a three mile long backup after he got into an accident because he was distracted by {MIMES PULLING TOOTH OUT} pulling out his own loose tooth.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} If only he'd had a root canal, he could have stayed on his route by the canal.

Paul: I don't think there are a lot of interstate highways by canals.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} JUST LET ME HAVE THIS, SAUNDERS!

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD; JAZZ MUSIC}

Paul: I may be watching too many cartoons because the first thing I'm imagining is that he tied a little rope around his tooth and then threw it at a car that was going the opposite direction down the highway and just kinda yanked it out. But that's probably not what happened.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Just the mental image of this guy cruising down the highway, a can of Lucky balanced on his beer gut, just idly picking his tooth out...

Paul: {WEARING BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP, HOLDING A BEER CAN IN ONE HAND AND PULLING ON ONE OF HIS TEETH WITH THE OTHER} Erh. Errhhhh! I'm gonna put this under mah pillow, get twenty-five cents!

Kathleen: The fifty-seven year old driver was on Interstate 25 outside Tuscaloosa, Alabama when he was distracted by pulling a loose tooth out with his hands, according to a police report. He crashed into a ditch and then jackknifed into some trees. Police know this because he had the tooth in his shirt pocket for proof.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL ON THE COUCH. ALEX IS WEARING A POLICE HAT AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES. PAUL IS WEARING THE BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP}

Paul: {WEARING BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP, ACTING LIKE THE TRUCKER IN THE STORY} Now officer, I know what you're gonna say, but there's an entirely reasonable explanation for this. You see, I was driving down the highway, and I was only a little bit drunk 'cos like {HOLDS UP BEER CAN} this beer is mostly full. And I had a loose tooth and so I went and {MIMES PULLING HIS TOOTH WHILE SPEAKING INDECIPHERABLY} I grabbed the tooth and- and while I was doing that, this ditch just came outta nowhere and attacked me! And now I know you're gonna say I just made that up, but- but, I have proof. {SEARCHES IN SHIRT POCKET AND HOLDS UP IMAGINARY TOOTH} Look, see, right here! I have the tooth right here.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND AVIATORS} You're free to go.

Paul: {WEARING BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Y-You don't wanna take it into evidence or-or anything?

Alex: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND AVIATORS} Positive.

{SHOT OF JUST PAUL}

Paul: At least he just went into a ditch and caused a traffic jam. Nobody really got hurt.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND HOLDING PIPE} I mean, apart from all those waylaid commuters that beat the rest of his teeth out of his head with big pipes.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL ON THE COUCH. ALEX IS WEARING A POLICE HAT AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES AND IS NOW TAKING OUT THE PIPE FROM EARLIER. PAUL IS WEARING THE BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP}

Paul: {WEARING BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Are you sure you're the police?

Alex: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND AVIATORS AND HOLDING PIPE} No, we're the pipe police.

Paul: {WEARING BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} Well, who are they?

Alex: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND AVIATORS AND HOLDING PIPE} Oh, well we distribute pipes to the community and they solve things in their own manner. {HANDS PIPE OVER TO SOMEONE OFFSCREEN}

Paul: {WEARING BLUE AND WHITE TRUCKER'S CAP} {WHIMPERS NERVOUSLY}

Kathleen: What do you do when a massive winter storm turns your home state from a winter wonderland into a frozen shithole? Well, if you're an enterprising man from Massachusetts, you build an igloo in your backyard and you rent it out on Airbnb for just fourteen bucks a night. Bring your own sleeping bag though.

Paul: Isn't there like a big ice hotel in Russia? This is basically like that.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Yeah, but that's like a real hotel with like beds and a bar, and ratings and not just some guy trying to hustle some tourists with packed snow?

Paul: You could have like a minibar in the igloo, it's basically the same.

Kathleen: There's no minibar in the igloo. There is a tarp though. Free tarp. Well, you can't take it with you, and there's no extra tarp fee. Fourteen bucks a night, tarp included. {LAUGHS}

Paul: Hey, igloos are a cutthroat business. This guy can put in his ad "Airbnb igloo, now with tarp!" Yeah, suck it!

But seriously, don't- don't actually 'cos your lips will probably stick to it.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Cut to black-and-white infomercial footage of like an igloo melting around its occupants and them like going "Oh no, if only we had tarp!"

{CUT TO... BASICALLY THE SCENE THAT ALEX JUST DESCRIBED WITH PAUL AND ALEX PLAYING THE UNFORTUNATE OCCUPANTS. ALEX IS WEARING A HOODED JACKET AND RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER. PAUL IS WEARING A STARRY WIZARD'S HAT AND A BIG HEAVY COAT.}

Paul: {WEARING STARRY WIZARD'S HAT} If only we had tarp!

Alex: We needed tarp!

{SUBTITLE OVERLAY: ORDER NOW! 1-800-NEW-TARP}

Kathleen: Welsh police caught a bungling burglar after they were able to trace him back to his own home because they had followed a trail of coins that had spilled from the children's piggy banks he had stolen.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} In other news, Wales becomes children's cartoon?

Paul: {WEARING BLACK TOP HAT AND VILLAINESQUE MUSTACHE} Curses! You have spoiled my plans to steal all the children's money and buy the local ice cream factory and turn it into a spinach factory!

What? Spinach is very healthy.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Children's piggy banks. Not their parents' wallets, or... the savings stuffed into a sock under the dresser. No, children's. Piggy banks. That's low!

Kathleen: Oh, no no no no! He stole the parent's wallets, their credit cards, their handbags, uh, two cellphones, an iPad, but yes, also the piggy banks. That's not low, it's thorough.

Paul: Ohhhhhh! So he's really just the Grinch that stole... money.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {SINGING TO THE TUNE OF YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR GRINCH} You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You've stolen all their shit!

Paul: And then all the Whos in Whoville called up loss prevention to cancel their credit cards and avoid being victims of identity theft.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Let's not forget the fact that the cops were led by a literal breadcrumb trail of coins. Still a cartoon!

{CUT TO SCENE WITH BACKGROUND SCENE FROM THE SIMPSONS. ALEX COMES IN FROM THE RIGHT, WEARING POLICE HAT AND BLUE COP'S SHIRT, AND PICKING COINS UP FROM THE FLOOR ONE BY ONE}

Alex: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND BLUE POLICE SHIRT} {SAYING EACH TIME HE PICKS UP A COIN} Ooh, piece of evidence! Ooh, piece of evidence! Ooh, piece of evidence!

Paul: I'm hoping there was a rookie on the police team that was like "Really? This is how we find criminals, we just... follow the trail of coins that leads back to the guy? This is great, it's way easier than I thought it was!"

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Did the thought ever cross anybody's mind that maybe this was a setup and the coins were left there? {PUTS FINGERS TO HIS TEMPLES THEN MOVES THEM APART} {SILENTLY} Think!

Kathleen: Hey, we got through an entire Feed Dump without anything being a sex thing.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Penis tits!

Kathleen: Urgh, never mind. Well, until next week, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BLACK KEY-TAR TUQUE} this hat! It's a key-tar tuque! It's got a key-tar on it. It's also quite warm. What more could you want?

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Paul: What's great about using the igloo for the Airbnb thing is that you can just figure out how many people can come. If it's like "yeah, we got six people coming," you're like "Okay! All I have to do is build up my igloo a little bit more and there'll be lots of space." Or if there aren't very many people coming, you could collapse the igloo. It's very flexible.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} No, that's not how igloos work at all.

Paul: {LAUGHS AT HIS MISTAKE} Yeah, I guess you have to like build it in like a dome.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah.

Paul: Okay, forget it.