Hot & Saucey Transcript

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Transcript for Hot & Saucey.


{Scene opens as Graham walks toward Beej sitting at a table. Traditional Mexican music is playing.}

Restaurateur (Beej): Hey, how are you doing?

{They shake hands}

Restaurateur: So, here's the deal. I've got a texican chain restaurant opening a place across the street. I've got a local joint opening their second location three blocks away next month. So I need something to bring in new customers.

Saucier (Graham): Okay, so you wanna kick it up a notch?

Restaurateur: Don't say that.

Saucier: Differentiate your business. As we say at Fiery Fred's sauce-porium: Maintaining a good selection of artisanal hot sauces is the key to success.

Restaurateur: {Skeptically} Really?

Saucier: Anyhow. This is our most popular product: Inferno Ivan's Flaming Dragon. It's a nice blend of jalapeño and garlic, with a touch of ginger.

Restaurateur: I want to stand out. Why would I want your most popular sauce?

Saucier: Good point. March of the Anal Fire Ants is a butt-blasting blend of habaneros, poblanos and pure vinegar.

Restaurateur: Vinegar?

Saucier: For speed. Guaranteed to get customers in and out in thirty minutes.

Restaurateur: Yeah, I think I saw that in a supermarket the other day.

Saucier: I see. Perhaps McDoogle's Caber Crater is more your speed. It's a proprietary mix of piri piri, bhut jolokia and a genetically engineered hot pepper called The Doombringer, that is only grown deep in the Scottish Highlands where it can't hurt anyone. All blended with a touch of molasses.

Restaurateur: Oh, sounds perfect for the kids birthday party I got coming in next week. Show me the real stuff.

Saucier: As you wish. This... is Clinically Insane Clyde's Colon Corrosion. It's an authentic prison recipe, developed by an actual crazy person. 25% pure capsaicin; it's won our Most Bathroom Distress award twelve years running. One teaspoon is guaranteed to turn thirty feet of small intestine into six pounds of angry pink soft serve in ten minutes. Or your money back.

Restaurateur: Those awards are rigged.

Saucier: {Sighs} Perhaps Captain Brainburn's Mnemonic Fugue is more your style. It's rated a minimum of 600.000 on the Scoville scale and introduces a series of small strokes that give anyone who eats it temporary amnesia. And occasionally permanent loss of motor control.

Restaurateur: Eh.

Saucier: Alright. Here... is Temporal Patricide. It's not as hot as Clyde's, but when you eat it, it goes back in time and kills your father.

Restaurateur: Derrick? Derr- Derrick. Try this hot sauce.

{Paul enters the scene and tastes Temporal Patricide}

Derrick (Paul): It's not bad, it's not bad. It's got a bit of a kick to it. AAH! {Fades from existence}

Restaurateur: That's a little understated.

Saucier: Right Now Forever. It etches a pentagram onto the tongue and then summons Van Halen into the taster's own mouth after which everything explodes in a glorious display of meat chunks and hard rock.

Restaurateur: Van Halen?

Saucier: Yes.

Restaurateur: David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?

Saucier: Gary Cherone.

Restaurateur: Eww, no!

Saucier: Perhaps Chipotle Surprise?

Restaurateur: That doesn't sound hot.

Saucier: It's not, it's delicious.

Restaurateur: And?

Saucier: And then thirty minutes later, it turns into thousands of tiny knives that stab you from the inside. It's like the kick of a strong hot sauce, but literal and with knives.

Restaurateur: So, it kills my customers.

Saucier: Horribly.

Restaurateur: That is way too gimmicky.

Saucier: Well you could try our newest offering: Cellular Genocide. After you eat it, it reconstructs your anatomy at an atomic level, repurposing your matter and turning you into more hot sauce.

Restaurateur: What!?

Saucier: That's how it reproduces.

Restaurateur: So, this one also kills my customers.

Saucier: Yes, but in a very flashy way. And because it replaces itself, you only need one bottle.

Restaurateur: Really?

Saucier: One bottle is seven thousand dollars.

Restaurateur: Next.

{Saucier snaps his finger, after which an associate in a hazmat suit enters holding a tiny bottle via tongs. Saucier puts on a latex glove and takes the bottle.}

Saucier: This one will kill. Everyone.

Restaurateur: Everyone?

Saucier: A powerful blend of capsaicin, VX nerve gas, cat dander and the heart of a dark star. Destabilized at the sub-atomic level by the very process of its creation, the scientific community theorizes that, if consumed, all life on earth will cease to exist.

Restaurateur: All life?

Saucier: Every. Living. Thing.

Restaurateur: I'll take five.


{Kathleen appears in a scream, and checks her body parts for gender}.

Restaurateur: Get back to work, Derricka.