Florida and Andy's Explosion of Crazy Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Florida and Andy's Explosion of Crazy

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we've all received our medical degrees. I am the oft-forgotten Doctor Dre. Joining me this week is Doctor Strangelove,

Alex: {IN SUNGLASSES; SHOUTING IN GERMAN ACCENT} Mein Führer! I can walk!

Graham: and Doctor Dolittle.

Andy: {IN TOP-HAT, SINGING} If I could walk with the animals, talk with the animals, grunt and squeak and-

Graham: We've all been sued for malpractice.

{TITLE: ASK YOUR DOCTOR! SEE ALSO: DRS FEELGOOD, QUINN, OCTOPUS, KATZ, SPACEMAN. (A MALPRACTICE SUIT IS JUST THE BOARD'S WAY OF SAYING "WE SHOULD TALK MORE OFTEN! MISS YOU!")}

Graham: Question Time: a heated argument about what left one man dead in a Texas parking lot?

Andy: Best barbecued chicken wings in the city.

Alex: Oh, you wanna use the handicapped space, huh? {BEATS FIST AGAINST PALM}

Andy: {SHOUTING IN STEREOTYPICAL 'SOUTHERN' ACCENT} How dare you say my ten gallon hat is only nine and a half gallons!

Alex: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is 'Parking Lot Jousting'.

Andy: "Oh I don't need that spot, you take it." {DIFFERENT VOICE} "No after you you can have the spot it's all fine." {ORIGINAL VOICE} "No I think you should have the-" {SHOUTING} "TAKE THE SPOT."

Graham: The three people involved in the altercation were actually arguing in the parking lot of a movie theater about whether or not 300: Rise of an Empire was crap.

Andy: Wait, one guy died? They're dead!? They're dead, someone is dead? Over this? Over 300? {MOUTHS WHAT?}

Alex: I don't even know, it's just really stupid and pathetic and... a waste of human life.

{ANDY REACHES IN FROM CAMERA LEFT TO MOVE MICROPHONE; CAMERA PANS TO FOLLOW.}

Alex: {CONTINUES TALKING OFF-CAMERA} I'm not even sure where the humor is...

Andy: It's really friggin' hard to make this funny, Graham! Going on about chicken wings and ten-gallon hats! Somebody- what, man, no! This is Sad Dump!

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD Voice-over: Well we're having one or two little problems at the moment.}

Andy: Well... I mean, to be fair, the movie was pretty bad.

Alex: I'll fucking kill you.

Graham: Speaking of arguments escalating quickly, a woman in Jacksonville, Florida, upset that she could not get her McFlurry from McDonald's, set fire to a car.

Andy: New game! {CLAP} 'What's Up With Florida?'

Alex: {CHEWING} We should've never eaten this maize...

Andy: Alligator Conspiracy. They're allowing themselves to be skinned and turned into shoes, and they make them walk into crazy situations!

Alex: Somehow more plausible than ChemTrails.

Andy: They moved the gravestones but they didn't move the bodies!

Alex: Maybe they're just all micro-organic colonies of... extraterrestrial microbial life that... like tanning.

Andy: It's orange juice. It's the orange juice.

Alex: {COUNTS OFF ON FINGERS} Orange juice, orange tan... {THROWS UP HIS HANDS}

{PAN TO ANDY}

Andy: The color orange makes people insane, Graham.

{PAN TO ALEX, MIMING 'MIND BLOWN'. PAN TO ANDY, THEN BACK TO ALEX AS HE STARTS TALKING}

Alex: Nothing rhymes with 'orange'!

Andy: Oh my god!

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} Holy shit!

Andy: Oh my god...

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} We cracked the code!

Andy: Oh my- {ANDY'S FOOT COMES INTO FRAME, POINTS AT IT} Oh my god! {BREAKS}

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD; JAZZ MUSIC}

Graham: {HOLDING UP IPHONE}I need to share the wording from this article. So a man and a woman were waiting in line, and she really wanted a uh, ice cream or a McFlurry or something, and the guy was like "No, I'm not buying it!" or whatever and she's like "I'mma blow it up" and everyone else is like "What're you gonna blow up?" and she- 'it' turns out to be the guy's 1994 Cadillac El Dorado. She grabs the man's keys and heads off for their car, she poured alcohol and gasoline onto it, lit it on fire, and then vanished into the night!

Alex: Was she, perhaps, The Batman?

Andy: She's the hero we need, and the one we deserve!

Alex: Yeah! A crazy, arsonist asshole!

Andy: {CONFUSED} Yeah, what'd I say?

Graham: A woman at a Richmond, California Planet Fitness, who was wearing a spaghetti-strap tank-top with an exposed midriff, was asked by staff at the gym to put a t-shirt on because quote: "...her toned body was intimidating the other customers."

Andy: What was going on here? Was she aggressive flexing at people?

{WIDE SHOT OF ANDY ON COUCH. ANDY IS WEARING A WHITE HEADBAND AND MIMING CRUNCHING WITH A BLACK METAL BAR OR SOMETHING. ALEX COMES ON FROM THE SIDE WITHOUT A SHIRT}

Alex: {SHIRTLESS; FLEXING UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO ANDY'S FACE} Hey, how's it going? You working out?

Andy: {WEARING WHITE HEADBAND} Yeah.

Alex: {SHIRTLESS; FLEXING UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO ANDY'S FACE} So yeah... I like working out too. Do you like working out?

Andy: {WEARING WHITE HEADBAND} I-I do...

Alex: {SHIRTLESS; FLEXING UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO ANDY'S FACE} I love working out. I've been working on this one, and y'know, trying to catch up with this one. I like both of them; I like working out.

Andy: {WEARING WHITE HEADBAND} I can- I can tell... You're very close to me right now...

Graham: See the Planet Fitness {AIR QUOTES} "policy" is that they're a 'Non-Judgement Zone', where they're trying to position themselves as a gym that's not the kind of gym where you just go and everyone is like perfectly sculpted and awesome-looking and if you come in looking like... all of us do, then they're gonna be like "Huh, look at those wussies" and everything, but 'Non-Judgement Zone' also means... you can't be all like "You're too good-looking! Put on a shirt!"

Alex: {PANICKING, STARING AT HIS HANDS} I just keep cutting myself with this double-edged sword!

Graham: A man from central {NEWFIE ACCENT} Newfoundland and Labrador {NORMAL VOICE} was convicted of illegally netting salmon, and has been banned from being anywhere within 50 meters of inland waters for the next five years, which is difficult for him, because his backyard is on a brook.

Andy: Like, how big is the brook? Is it like, one of those things you install yourself? Like a pond with a little stream in it? Is it like any running water at all? Is he like a vampire!? Can he not cross bridges?!

Graham: I feel like man-made shouldn't count, because then you could just be like "Man, I hate that Carson guy. What happened? Sweet! Oh you can't come over now, I have a water feature! I installed a pond!"

Andy: Water parks must suck for him. Just- ohhh... I really wanna go on the twirly slide that goes into the thing; this poor man can't because of salmon!

Alex: He gazes out at a twirling, spinning prison, as a transgression rolls down his cheek...

Andy: He's like Green Lantern. And he's like- wood is just this Kryptonite, and weird- strangely enough, Superman's Kryptonite is like Green Lantern's wood, or the color yellow, or just something- it's his water- his water is Kryptonite to the wood and- I don't really read comic books that much.

Alex: So not only is this poor guy banned from fishing- for life, by the way! But he's now he's not allowed to be near water at all? In case he like, psychically fishes?

Graham: Parallel would be somebody makes like, a camping infraction, like they don't put out their fire, and so they can't go camping for the rest of their life, and they also can't be near trees!

Andy: Which brings us back to wood! The wood, and the water is like Kryptonite but is also like a water park and just- I don't {FLIPS THROUGH A BOOK} These are all blank! They're all blank! I don' wanna play Feed Dump anymore...

Alex: {SILENT; EVIL MUSIC} You don't just quit this game!

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD}

Graham: Because it's not a game! It's a web series where we make jokes about the news. But until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have these goggles. {PUTS ON LAB GOGGLES} Because, as I'm sure you've forgot, I am Doctor Dre, and his doctorate was in {PULLS GOGGLES OVER HIS EYES} chemical physics! And you need to protect your eyes. Also he's not a real doctor, I was lying.

Alex: {OFF-CAMERA} What?!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Andy: {SHOUTING} "TAKE IT! TEXAS!" Take. {BREAKS LAUGHING}

{PANS TO ALEX, WHO'S ALSO LAUGHING}

Alex: {LAUGHING, IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE} Don't mess with Texas...