BATTr Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- BATTr

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are legendary weapons. I am "the lead pipe I found in 'Fallout' last night" after a not-insignificant battle. It does slightly more damage at night. I call it the "Night Pipe". Joining me this week is "Glamdring"...

Cameron: Forger for Turgon, High-King of Gondolin in the First Age, I am the "Foe-hammer"...which I've been led to believe is a kind of soup.

Graham: ...and "Durandal".

Ian: For those deep bungee cuts. Also, I was the sword of Roland, so I'm good for keyboard solos.

Graham: {LOOKING AT IAN AND CAMERON} Y'all gonna get "Night Piped"!

{TITLE: I AM THE TERROR THAT HITS WITH A PIPE}

Graham: San Francisco police are looking for any information that may lead them to the arrest of whoever's been leaving spiked baseball bats chained to telephone poles around the city.

Ian: So like "Whac-a-Mole" bats but for tech-bros?

Cameron: "Whac-a-Google".

Ian: Wait a second, is this a new start-up? When's their IPO? What's their revenue model?!

Cameron: They HAVE none, but they DO have an app called "BATTr", B-A-T-T-R.

Ian: It's a known AND a verb and a source of pancakes.

Cameron: Are they chained to telephone poles with enough give so that they can conceivably meet in the middle?

Graham: The picture in the article - a black baseball bat wrapped in chains with half-inch thick, six-inch long railroad spikes rammed into the top half - really puts me in mind of, like, "The Warriors" or "Mad Max". Honestly, I think someone's preparing for the Apocalypse in San Francisco. Rather, preparing to WATCH the Apocalypse in San Francisco. I wonder...what could be worse?

{TITLE: WHEN THINGS GET BAD, YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF WHAT COULD BE WORSE. Graham: That was awful.}

Cameron: "What could be worse"?! Worse than WHAT?!? Things that you find chained to a San Francisco telephone pole after the Apocalypse?!? Let's start with YOURSELF! Actually, let's start with ME!! I don't CARE about you!!

Ian: Worse things that you can drive a railroad spike through?! Again, ME!

Cameron: Or what about "worse things to find in San Francisco"? {NODS IN THOUGHT} No, me.

Ian: OK, wait, wait...let's bring it back. What could be worse than two random people finding these bats and beating the living tar out of each other? Nothing, 'cause that's awesome!!

Cameron: Ooo, could they be members of the cast of "Full House"?

{CUT TO OPENING OF "FULL HOUSE", ONLY WITH THE TITLE CHANGED TO "SAVAGE BEATINGS"}

Graham: It's getting to be Christmastime in Sao Paolo, Brazil, where Santa's doing very well for himself because, in Sao Paolo, he flies a helicopter...that he stole from a taxi service on Friday.

Cameron: Is a helicopter Santa's traditional means of conveyance in Brazil?

Ian: I say let him keep it. There's one person every year who doesn't get to make a Christmas wish.

Cameron: Yeah! I think we should let Santa have this one! I mean, he's only a year or two away from being replaced by a drone, anyways.

Ian: Of COURSE, we should let him have it. Because, if he gets caught, pulled over and hands over any sort of identification that doesn't say "Santa", Christmas is ruined forever!

Cameron: Although there is the delicious possibility that that I.D. says "Jesus". {CAMERON PRONOUNCED IT LIKE IN SPANISH: 'HEY-SOOS'}

Graham: I mean, he's not NOT magical. He made a HELICOPTER disappear...in that they still haven't found the helicopter.

Cameron: {DISAPPOINTED} And dash away all.

Graham: An Indiana man has pled guilty to breaking into the Indiana Medical History Museum, stealing jars of brain and human tissue and selling them online.

Ian: eBay or Amazon Associates?

Cameron: {HOLDING iPHONE} And is he offering anything special for Cyber Monday?

Graham: Apparently, this guy'd been breaking into museum for a while. And the police only found out because someone he sold six jars of brain matter to...told the police about it. When they raided his house, they recovered 80 jars!

Cameron: You thought NUTELLA was good on crepes.

Ian: This is the kind of behavior (of) a man who plans for discontinuation of a product. I bet if they searched hard enough, they'd find bottles of Crystal Pepsi in his house.

Cameron: Well, now we know what the brains were PACKED in.

Ian: 80 jars worth?! Why did it take so long for the museum to catch on to what this guy was doing?!

Cameron: I'm gonna level with you, Ian: I don't think the museum GAVE a shit. I think the brains of these people were the kind of people who only go to the museum as a med-school cadaver.

Ian: I think we're focusing on the brains a bit too much here. Were there any other "organic preserves" avaliable?

Graham: Oh, yeah. I mean, it wasn't JUST brains. He just got CAUGHT with the brains. He stole all kinds of other human tissue...{READS FROM iPHONE}...as well as various historical items, ten 'scopes, a baby weighing scale and an EKG machine.

Ian: Was this guy's name, perchance, "Frankenstein"?

Cameron: I believe you'll find "Frankenstein" was the name of the book. I think you're thinking of Mary Shelly.

Graham: Whoever he is, the 23-year-old man has been sentenced to one year home detention, two years probation and that he must get a high school diploma.

Cameron: Well, I'm sure THAT'S the kind of thing you can find in a museum, especially with the "brain volume" THIS guy's packing!

Graham: Fun fact: in British Columbia - where we are - a high school diploma is called a "dogwood" because that's our provincial flower. I don't have a joke here; that's just a fun fact. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS WHAT LOOKS LIKE A RUST-RED CARPET USED TO SURROUND A TOILET}...and they're probably really happy about it 'cause this is the hair from a giant life-sized 7-foot-tall doll that was made for us...uh, of Bill...to have at "Desert Bus". Which isn't REMOTELY creepy. {CLEARS HIS THROAT} Actually, not as creepy as the fact that I am now WEARING his hair. THAT part's kinda creepy. The whole THING is weird.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT TO CAMERON, RE-DOING HIS LAST LINE...}

Cameron: I'm sure THAT'S the kind of thing you can find in a museum, especially with the "brain volume" THIS guy's packing! Just wire him cereal! {CAMERAMAN BREAKS}