Wrong Lot, Right Andy Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Wrong Lot, Right Andy

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where this week we are the wives of Henry the Eighth. I am Anne Boleyn. Joining me this week is Jane Seymour,

Kathleen: I died during childbirth, {SHRUGS} but I was the only one he liked!

Graham: And Anne of Cleaves.

Andy: Is this an Anne of Green Gables thing? Is this a ginger thing? Is this what you're doing to me?

Graham: And the three Catherines can take a hike.

{TITLE: CATHERINE ANNE JANE DIFFERENT ANNE SECOND KATHRYN LAST KATHERINE ...HISTORY!}

Graham: Apparently it's Ninja Turtles month here on Feed Dump. A Louisiana teenager is behind bars after robbing a store with a Ninja Turtles mask and a stick wrapped in plastic.

Kathleen: {IN TEENAGER DUDE'S VOICE} Hey, gimme all your money or I'll hit you with my sweet bo staff skills.

Andy: Trick-or-treating's a lot different than when I was a kid. I get so much more candy! OH MY GOD, THAT KID IS A GENIUS! {WHISPERS} This changes everything! I have to go back! I have to go back! {GETS UP FROM SOFA}

Graham: Speaking of how not to successfully rob something, a Seattle man is in custody after robbing a bank, and then feeling real bad right afterwards and waiting outside for the cops to show up.

Andy: Ohh, I've been there. Cops aren't as forgiving as you'd think they'd be.

Kathleen: I appreciate that this man had a moment of somber second thought and reflection, but couldn't he have done it before he committed the felony?

Andy: I imagine it's the same reaction to locking your keys in the car. Just sort of getting out of the bank with what I imagine is a large burlap sack with a dollar sign going, "Aww man! I ca- Ohhhh! GOOOOODDDD, I have to call AA and I don't have my phone- IT'S IN THE CAR WITH MY KEYS! And I've committed a felony, God dammit! Well, at least I have this bag full of money. You understand me, bag, you solve all my problems. Come on, let's wait for the cops. You sit right there on the step. It's gonna be great- Oh hello, Bill, what you doing on Capital Hill? Oh well, you know."

Graham: A Florida building contractor is very confused after finishing a construction on a multi-million five bedroom, five-and-a-half bathroom, home theater, ocean-view house... on the wrong lot.

Kathleen: Pffft! Well, tear it all down and start it again, I guess.

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT AND HOLDING LARGE PIECE OF PAPER} {FROWNS AND TURNS THE PAPER AROUND} Ohhhhhhhhhhh! OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO-OHHHHHHHH!

Graham: This happened after two different state-certified surveyors marked the wrong lot. A spokesman for the county said, "Well, there's no landmarks on them. They're just a piece of field behind a dune, it's, uh... easy mistake."

{SHOT OF ANDY AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HATS AND EXAMINING A LARGE PIECE OF PAPER}

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Yeah, yeah, so the lot's behind that dune over there. {POINTS ON PLAN}

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Yeah exactly, that one over there. Possibly- no, it's... no, yeah, it's that one over there, yeah.

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Yeah, yeah, the one that has no identifying features whatsoever.

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} That's the one, yes, that was perfect. This is perfect, that could only be that one there unless it's any of the other four ones that look exactly like that one.

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Or the one across the way.

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Oh yeah, that was a good one. That one really looked like that one.

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Yeah, that's true. But it's definitely that one.

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Definitely that one.

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Or that one.

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Or that could- you know, you raise a good point, but I have a good feeling about this one! {SNIFFS} Uh, it's funny, this is written upside-down.

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT} Meh.

Graham: These people are from Florida, not the Mario Brothers.

{SHOT OF ANDY AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HATS AND EXAMINING A LARGE PIECE OF PAPER}

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT} Totally right, mate, it's definitely that sand dune over there.

Andy: {WEARING YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HARD-HAT} {IN INDIAN ACCENT} Yes, I'm very much to be agreeing with you.

Graham: I would like to hope that this could be easily solved because the lots are so apparently similar they could just exchange the deed and be done with it, but... it'll probably be in court for ten years.

Andy: Such is the sobering nature of the human condition.

Kathleen: {LEANING INTO SHOT} We're shitbags!

{BOTH OF THEM SMILE AND GIVE A THUMBS-UP}

Graham: Remember when we told you about the guy who was renting his girlfriend for a new iPhone? Well, a guy in Austria is feeling pretty happy after trading a house for an iPhone 6.

Kathleen: A whole house for a new iPhone? {HOLDS UP iPHONE} How am I supposed to be able to afford to upgrade now?

Graham: As you may have guessed, there is a twist. The gentleman lives in Austria and is from Austria, but the house was in Detroit.

Andy: Oh, that's like iPhone 5 then. It's getting the deal, just... yeah.

Graham: So the Austrian guy, who has never been to Detroit, bought the house as part of a US program to help families who were losing their homes due to foreclosure. So he bought it, thinking it would be a cool rental income property. Shockingly, no one wants to rent a house in Detroit that has squatters, so all it's done for him is accumulate six thousand US dollars in back taxes. He tried to sell it for five thousand dollars, and there were no buyers. And he tried to sell it for three thousand dollars, and there were no buyers. And like someone at the end of a very large garage sale when you just want to get rid of the collection of LPs, he said, "Look, eff it, someone give me an iPhone!"

Kathleen: I know we're supposed to be making jokes, but this is kind of a bummer. I mean, it's kind of funny 'cos there's an iPhone, but it's also the failure of the American dream writ large.

Andy: Yeah! Ow! Oh yeah no, that gets me- Oh no, that's really real, oh no! That's genuine human sorrow! Ohhh, I have to go back! Ohhh, I have to go back! I have to- I have to go! {GETS UP FROM SOFA} I have- Where's back? Is this back? Is back over here? {WALKS OUT OF SHOT, STAGE RIGHT} I'm going back. I'm going back!

{PAN TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: Goodbye, Andy! {SHRUGS DURING ANDY'S NEXT LINE}

Andy: {OFFSCREEN} Bye, I'm going! I'll see you in the back. Okay!

Kathleen: Bring sandwiches!

Graham: Oh come on, Kathleen. How can you say the American dream is dead? A fan sent us a package from a company in Wisconsin called Foamation Incorporated, and all they do is make giant foam cheese hats! {PUTS ON FOAM CHEESE HAT} This is the American dream!

Andy: {EMERGING FROM THE RACK OF COSTUMES BEHIND GRAHAM} Graham? Graham! Graham, I saw Narnia!

Graham: {WEARING FOAM CHEESE HAT} The hell are you doing back there?!

Andy: I'm in the back!

Graham: {WEARING FOAM CHEESE HAT} ...Uh, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but uh- No, you know, heck with it, they can have this hat!

Andy: Mr. Tumnus? Mr. Tumnus? MR. TUMNUS! MR. TUMNUS! {GOES BACK INTO THE COSTUME RACK} MR. TUMNUS, COME BACK! MR. TUMNUS! CAN I HAVE YOUR SCARF, PLEASE?

{GRAHAM BREAKS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Andy: Ohhh... {LAUGHS} Uh, hmmm. I just like how reasonable you're making this sound, Graham. This is- this is more sobering human condition stuff here. This is getting way too... {MUTTERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY, SUDDENLY CHANGING TO SENOR CARDGAGE VOICE} Carlon job, Mister Cardgage. How {MORE MUTTERING} {GRAHAM AND KATHLEEN LAUGH OFFSCREEN}