Workplace Comp Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Workplace Comp

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Alex: {SITTING ON THE COUCH} Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're-

James: {OFFCAMERA} Hey! I thought the guy in this chair got to- you- be the host!

{CAMERA PANS TO JER WHO IS ALSO SITTING ON THE COUCH}

Jer: No, it's me. Blues! Clues! Poos! Ha Ha!

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} No!

{CAMERA PANS TO ALEX}

Alex: That comes later you idiot!

James: {IN CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, WEARING JAMES' HAT THROUGHOUT THIS VIDEO} I'm supposed to do the intro. I'm the host, I'm the chair. Welcome to Feed Dump. I'm James-

Jer: {OFFSCREEN} TITLE!

James: -destroyer of worlds, joining me this week, and then...

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} No actually I think you actually say it.

James: Yeah, I know. But then I forgot.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} {LAUGHS}

James: Then I just ended.

Joining me this week is Alex, destroyer of bathrooms.

Alex: One time they had to call a fire department. ONE TIME.

James: And Jeremy, destroyer of the duck.

Jer: That cold, bro.

James: And now it's time for some rat feces.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} That doesn't rhyme with news!

James: Shut your face!

{TITLE: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR SOME RAT FECES/NEWS (SUBTITLE: YOU SHUT YOUR FACE)}

James: An online petition on the White House's website had garnered the needed twenty-five thousand votes to spark a response from the Obama administration about building a Death Star by the year 2016.

Alex: Could you clarify exactly what you mean by "Death Star?"

James: By Death Star, Alex, I mean the friggin' Death Star. The author of the petition says {READING} by focusing our defence resources into a space superiority platform, and weapons systems such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defence.

Alex: Well maybe this means China will make its own Death Star, and then we'll have some space balls.

Jer: By {AIR QUOTES} "strengthen our national defence," isn't the Death Star meant to destroy planets?

Alex: Yeah, the conspiracy theorists are gonna love this. It's like, early Christmas. It's like, "oh boy, we need a platform 'cause there's aliens comin' and this is the proof that we need to veri- sorta validate our sad, sad existence.

Jer: The, the lizard aliens who run the Illuminati are gonna use it to wipe out the grey aliens who run...

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} ...the chem trails.

Jer: Right.

{PANS TO ALEX}

Alex: And, uh... vaccinations. They vaccinate people with chem trails.

James: An Australian court has ruled that a government employee who injured herself during sex on a business trip is eligible for worker compensation benefits.

Alex: But, I thought that it was only... if you injured yourself while performing your duties. That was... her thing? Does the government employ sex workers?

Jer: I think if this has taught us anything, it's that if you want to {AIRQUOTES} "experiment," uh, the best way to do it is to get a job and do it on the government's dime.

Alex: {HOLDING OPEN CARDBOARD BOX} Oh, all this Viagra and, and {LOOKS DOWN} sex toys is, is work related. {BEAT} I... I work very hard.

With, with my penis.

James: Let's play a game. Let's play "Jer and Alex try to figure out how she injured herself during sex."

{TITLE: Jer and Alex TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW SHE GOT INJURED HERSELF HOW SHE BROKE HER JUNK DURING SEX ON THE JOB}

Alex: I, I don't know how inappropriate we can go. It's like, you know, we could, we could talk about all sorts of horrible things. People do messed up things! I mean, like I went to a store once and they had a rubber foot on a chain. {JAMES IS BREAKING IN THE BACKGROUND} Like, what is that for?! In any context!

Jer: {OFFSCREEN} Australians.

Alex: Australians. OK, rubber foot on a chain is how she got hurt.

James: {HOLDING IPAD} In fact, during the sex {READING FROM IPAD} "a glass lighting fixture was torn from its mount above the bed and landed on her face, injuring her nose and mouth."

Alex: The use of the verb "torn" in this situation seems kind of unfortunate. How d- like, I'm just visualizing the lighting fixture like on the ceiling, and it's like some sort of like, acrobatic like, lunge.

Jer: If her partner had been doing {LEANS OVER} a handstand,

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} OK

Jer: With his legs {POINTS UP} maybe he was- or possibly she {PUTS BOTH HANDS ABOVE HIS HEAD} grabbing the light fixture. For-

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} With their feet?!

{CAMERA PANS TO POINT BETWEEN JER AND ALEX}

Jer: For balance! So she's lying on the bed. Here, hold on. Lie down.

{SHOT OF ALEX LYING ON THE COUCH, LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. JER IS CLIMBING ON TOP OF HIM}

Jer: And he's like, purchased up here {JER STRADLES ALEX WITH HIS HANDS AND THEN PUTS ONE LEG IN THE AIR} elevated, and then using the light fixture. {JER IS LAUGHING}

Alex: Is this like the pit and the pendulum of sex?! I'm no longer comfortable with this!

Jer: And then he- touch me?

Alex: No thanks.

James: I liked that last game so much, we're gonna play one more before we sign off. Jeremy and Alex here are gonna guess what has become very popular in the light of TV shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynastey, and Bayou Billionaires.

{TITLE: Jer and Alex TRY TO GUESS WHAT'S/TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S BECOME POPULAR/POPULAR? BECAUSE HONEY BOO BOO AND... (Jer and Alex keep talking, but the title stops updating, and instead shows a grey and white checkerboard that says) NO.}

Alex: {HOLDING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, FRANTIC} Don't say sketti. Don't say sketti. Don't say sketti.

Jer: Child abuse and neglect?

Alex: Heart disease!

Jer: A low standard of living?

Alex: Making tons of money off of other peoples' misfortune?

James: Hillbilly porn!

Jer: Hillbilly porn? {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Hey ma, ya sure are home early! Here to fix the sink? {IN NORMAL VOICE, TO ALEX} Alex, lie down for a sec.

{CAMERA PANS TO ALEX, WHO BUTTONS HIS COAT, GETS UP, AND LEAVES}

Alex: Uh, no, I'm- I'm done with this show.

Jer: {EXHALES} Oh well. Well, until next time, there may be other sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS GARBAGE CAN LID ON HIS HEAD} this hat.

Alex: {FROM FAR AWAY OFFSCREEN} NOT A HAT IDIOT!!!

Jer: {SHOUTING} I thought I told you to lie down!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF THE EDGE OF JER'S FACE, AND THE SIDE OF THE COUCH. THE CAMERA IS CLEARLY POSITIONED INCORRECTLY}

Jer: It's nice to have a goal, but moon-sized space station seems maybe... eeh, little far. Maybe go for... getting people into space more efficiently, or at least the dry dock first.

{CAMERA PANS SUDDENLY AND ALEX'S BLURRY FACE APPEARS VERY CLOSE TO THE CAMERA}

Alex: This is the right camera angle, right? That like- this one?

James: {OFFSCREEN} I think so.

Alex: We shoot from here.

{CAMERA PANS BACK TO THE EDGE OF JER'S FACE AND THE SIDE OF THE COUCH}

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} I've done this-

James: {OFFSCREEN} I think so.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} I've done this before.

Jer: Yeah.

{CAMERA PANS TO JAMES. JAMES MUGS}