Willfully Annoying Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Willfully Annoying

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: What's up? Welcome to F.D. That stands for Feed Dump and we're gonna be efficient about it 'cause I'm sick. {POINTS AT NOSE} My esses are all C'd, {POINTS TO THROAT} I have an S.T, {POINTS TO HEAD} and my head is all effed. I'm a noun. Joining me this week is another similar noun,

Paul: Hi.

Graham: And a third noun that's funny for some reason.

Ash: Get it?

Graham: Comedy time.

{TITLE: GET TO IT! CHOP CHOP! (SUBTITLE: ACTUALLY... DO YOU HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO TALK AB-)}

Graham: In an effort to clean up Mount Everest, the Nepali government says, "You can climb it, but if you're going up, you're bringing eight kilograms of trash back down with you."

Ash: So... if somebody on the expedition dies, does that mean they have to drag him back down again or else it would be litter?

Paul: No no, it's fine. You only have to take back eight kilograms, that's like a forearm.

Ash: So if someone dies and then you have to chop off their forearm and bring that down with you, does that mean you can leave all your trash up there?

Paul: Ha HA! Loophole!

Graham: One Sherpa is quoted as saying {READS} "There's no way to tell how much garbage is still up there on Everest. It is impossible to say what is under the ice."

Ash: So then how do you know how much garbage is up there, Nepal?

Paul: How about instead of taking down eight kilograms of garbage, you bring eight kilograms of snow up with you?

Ash: MATH!!

Paul: I think they actually gotta be careful, 'cause if they don't know how much garbage is up there, it could be that Everest is not that big of a mountain. Maybe it's just all garbage, and if they start taking it all away, then it'll become the third biggest mountain or like the tenth biggest mountain, and nobody would care anymore.

Ash: Just throwin' this out there, if we have a giant mountain covered in garbage and it's just frozen and not causing any kind of environmental damage... not such a big deal. Maybe start putting more garbage up there.

Paul: I hope they're not gonna make you sort all that garbage, like "Here's a blue bag for your tin, and here's a green bag for all your compost."

Ash: "And here's a red bag for all your severed limbs."

Graham: A Honey Dew's Donuts franchise that is opening in a YMCA in Massachusetts will not be selling donuts because that isn't in line with the YMCA's healthy attitude. They will however be selling low-fat muffins, which according to Honey Dew's website have more calories and sugar than their donuts.

Paul: I'm starting to think that muffins are basically just cakes with a good marketing team.

Ash: So Honey Dew Donuts can't sell donuts. Maybe just, don't open there. Maybe if you're going for health... don't hire a donut franchise.

Paul: This could be an interesting marketing gimmick, 'cause what they do is they can have the menu of all the different muffins available and then beside them, the number of crunches you have to do to offset buying that muffin.

Ash: {LOOKING AT MENU} Ohhh, that's too many crunches...

Paul: Are the full-fat muffins just a pound of butter molded into the shape of a muffin?

Ash: Yes, that is what a muffin is. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Sometimes they shove bran and chocolate chips in it, that is- it's just butter, that's it.

Paul: I think there actually could be a market for just selling butter with bran in it, just so people can feel better about eating butter.

Ash: No, I-I think I'll be good today, I'll have the wholewheat butter with bran in it.

Graham: Grand Rapids, Michigan is going to repeal a thirty-eight year old part of the city code of conduct that makes it illegal to be willfully annoying.

{SHOT OF ASH AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Ash: And the motion passes! {WAVES HAND AROUND PAUL'S FACE} Not touching you. Not touching you. Not touching you.

Paul: I'm-I'm so glad that we passed this motion.

Ash: Not touching you!

{JUST PAUL}

Paul: I'm curious about who's been lobbying to get this thing repealed, 'cause presumably the lobby group would be like the American Association of Really Annoying People. Like, {LAUGHING} is somebody who's like "We deserve to be annoying!"

Ash: I actually kind of want a law against people being willfully annoying here, like, I really don't understand what the thought process was in taking that law away.

Paul: More than them repealing it now, what I'm really curious about is what happened thirty-eight years ago that necessitated the making a law for people not to be annoying? Something VERY annoying must have been going on.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND ASH ON THE SOFA}

Ash: Well, Mr. Mayor, could I take you out for lunch today? {HOLDS OUT HAND}

Paul: {MAKES TO TAKE ASH'S HAND} Oh sure, that'd be very- Aah!

Ash: {GRABS PAUL'S ARM AND STARTS MAKING HIM HIT HIMSELF} Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!

Paul: {PULLS FREE} Okay, okay, new law!

Graham: The city attorney has been scouring the books looking for archaic city codes such as one that made it {READS FROM BLACK IPHONE} "illegal to ride a horse on the sidewalk" and another that allowed jail time for failing to return a library book.

Ash: Well that seems silly. There are cars on the street. Where am I supposed to ride my horse?

Paul: Uh, you ride your horse in the bike lane.

Ash: Ohhh.

Graham: {HOLDING HORSE HEAD MASK BETWEEN HIS LEGS} Myself, I wanna see the triple threat of a guy riding a horse on the sidewalk {HOLDS UP COPY OF ULYSSES} with a library book going "Hey, hey, you want your library book back? {HOLDS BOOK DOWN} Okay, just go on and take it. {WHIPS BOOK AWAY AGAIN} Ohhh! Can't reach!"

Paul: {PULLS OUT ULYSSES BOOK FROM UNDER SOFA CUSHIONS} There's a book under these couch cushions. Man, how long have I had this one? {CHECKS RETURN-BY DATE} Oh no! I CAN'T GO BACK! {JUMPS OFF SOFA AND RUNS OFF SET}

Graham: Someday I hope we see the tale of roves of renegade annoying people sweeping through Michigan, but today is not that day. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON SMALL AUSTRALIAN SLOUCH HAT} which doesn't even begin to fit me. But luckily there's a strap to like, to keep it on my head {TRIES TO ATTACH CHINSTRAP, MAKING THE HAT TILT TO A JAUNTY ANGLE} which also doesn't fit me, so I'll just loop it around my ear. {WRAPS END OF STRAP OVER EAR} We'll do it that way. {RAISES ARM UP} Onward! {THE HAT FALLS OFF HIS HEAD}

{ASH, OFFSCREEN, BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. GRAHAM BREAKS TOO}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM STILL LAUGHING. ASH IS ALSO LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY OFFSCREEN}

Graham: {COUGHS}

Ash: {OFFSCREEN} Oh Goddamn, it did not help at all.

{GRAHAM AND ASH LAUGH AGAIN}