We Get It, You Vaporeon Transcript

From LoadingReadyWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Transcript for Feed Dump- We Get It, You Vaporeon

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, also known as "we COULD be playing 'Pokemon GO' but we're not because we're here for you." This week, we are all "Pokemon GO starters". I am "Charmander". CHAR-CHAR! Joining me this week is "Pikachu"...

Kate: Oh, yeah...you can choose Pikachu...you just need to reject everything else...multiple times.

{SHOT OF PIKACHU DOLL IN PHOTO-NEGATIVE WITH THE WORDS "REJECT THE LIGHT/PIKACHU IS YOUR GOD NOW" SUPER-IMPOSED}

Kathleen: ...and "Power Serge".

Serge: I could've chosen Pikachu?!?

{TITLE: POKEMON GO! PIKACHU!! TIMELY REFERENCES!!!}

Kathleen: New Jersey police arrested a man after they caught him using a retractable license plate to avoid paying tunnel fees.

Kate: Just how cheap do you have to be to engineer yourself a retractable license plate just to get out of tolls?!

Serge: It has NOTHING to do with the fees. It's the PRINCIPLE!

Kathleen: {AS SAID CHEATER} And I'll have you know that after I go through the Holland Tunnel over 800 times, I'm back in the black! This thing will pay itself off in no time!

Serge: The license plate thing's actually kind of exciting. Did they have any other James Bond-esque inventions on it, too? Like a spike belt or a flame thrower?

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Well, according to this, he was charged with "theft of service" and "possession of drug paraphernalia" so maybe it had a bong attached, too.

Serge: Every time he flipped the switch, it went from the license plate to just, like, "VAPE NATION".

Kate: {EXASPERATED} We GET it! You VAPE!

{SHOT OF A STOUT MAN COMING DOWN SUBWAY STAIRS, WEARING A MARIJUANA SHIRT, PLAID SWEAT PANTS AND SANDALS OVER SOCKS...WITH HIP-HOP MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kate: {HOLDING FINGERS IN ODD FORMATION} Just so you all know, this is the hand symbol for "Vape Nation".

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN} Wait, wait, WHAT?!

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} There's a hand symbol for that?!

Kate: Who says Feed Dump's not educational?

{CUT TO SAME STOUT MAN'S FACE WITH FLIP-UP SHADES ON HORN-RIM GLASSES WITH THE WORDS "SO LIT" SUPERIMPOSED ON THE LOWER RIGHT}

Kathleen: Dateline: Florida...

Kate: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh, this gonna be go-o-o-o-o-o-o-od...

Kathleen: ...where a 28-year-old woman told authorities that she was praying with her eyes closed...and that's the reason she ran a stop sign and drove into someone's house.

Serge: Well, at least she wasn't "Pokemon GO" and driving.

Kate: {WITH SMARTPHONE} Maybe she was praying that she would finally catch that Gyrados.

Serge: {SHOCKED} Wait...wait, wait, wait, you can catch a GYRADOS?!

Kate: Pretty sure you can catch EVERYTHING.

Serge: We need to test this. {STANDS UP TO LEAVE...BUT KATHLEEN PULLS HIM BACK INTO HIS SEAT}

Kathleen: No "Pokemon GO" until Feed Dump is over! And of COURSE you can "catch them all", Serge; that's literally the tagline of the show! If anyone cares, the lady was charged with, uh, reckless driving.

Kate: But did she catch the Gyrados?!

Serge: We should pray for her. {HOLDS PHONE BETWEEN PALMS AS HE "PRAYS"}

Kathleen: OK, in the interest of getting my co-hosts back to "Pokemon GO", we're gonna wrap up Feed Dump with this story which...I am putting a disclaimer out...that is so STUPID that I'm actually not SURE it's real. And...now it's on a REAL news website; it's not one of the, the fake websites that people occasionally send me for stuff. {LOOKS AT iPHONE} And I've never been steered wrong by this website before. {SIGHS AND THEN READS HEADLINE FROM iPHONE} "'We have one shot, one moment'; Activists plan to eat beans and hold ‘fart-in’ at Democratic Convention". {KATE STARTS LAUGHING OFF-SCREEN; KATHLEEN LOOKS CLOSE TO FOLLOWING SUIT} That's the headline!

{A TEST PATTERN BRIEFLY SHOWS, FOLLOWED BY KATE WITH HER HEAD DOWN, LAUGHING LOUDLY. CAMERA PANS PAST A CHUCKLING KATHLEEN TO SERGE, WHO SMILES WIDELY AND PUTS HIS FINGERS IN THE BRIDGE OF HIS GLASSES-LESS NOSE IN DISBELIEF}

Kate: {OFF-SCREEN} A "fart-in"?!? Why would...why...{LAUGHS LOUDLY AS SERGE TRIES TO KEEP FROM LAUGHING OUT LOUD}...what's the point?!

{TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE WHILE FIGHTING THE LAUGHS} "Anti-poverty activists are planning a "fart-in" at the...{LAUGHS ALONG WITH KATE} National Convention..."

{TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE WHILE FIGHTING MORE LAUGHS} "Members of the Poor People's Economic Human Rights Campaign will be collecting cans of beans to distribute the needy. They also plan to eat plenty of beans themselves before heading into the Wells Fargo Center to gas up the convention." {CHORTLES}

{TEST PATTERN}

Serge: {STILL WITHOUT GLASSES} I'm trying to reach a conclusion as to what their message here is. And all I can think of is they say the poor smell.

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} According to another TOTALLY legitimate news source reporting on this, "...the fart-in seems like a juvenile prank to get press attention, (but) it’s also part of a calculated, attention-grabbing strategy by a veteran activist". Good job, lady; Feed Dump is covering your event!

Serge: So previous to this, the stupidest political story I've heard on Feed Dump was a man afraid protesters would get naked and throw mayonnaise but I...I think this one wins. I think this is, officially, the dumbest political story on Feed Dump. Bravo.

Kate: {FINALLY CALMED DOWN} Listen, this story completely ruined me and I laughed a lot. But I still don't know how this is a better use of my time {HOLDS UP SMARTPHONE} than playing "Pokemon GO"? Kathleen, can I please leave?

Kathleen: Or what, Kate? What are you going to do?

Kate: I will host a "fart-in".

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN ROLLING HER EYES}

{OUTSIDE SHOT OF SUBURBAN STREET; KATHLEEN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, SERGE (WEARING THE GYRADOS HAT) AND KATE (WEARING THE MAGIKARP HAT) WALKING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND WITH THEIR EYES IN THEIR PHONES}

Kathleen: Well, with that, we really ARE gonna call this episode of Feed Dump to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news {POINTS BEHIND HER TO SERGE AND KATE} but they don't let their co-hosts go and catch Pokemon because I am very nice...and they don't have...{PUTS ON MOOSE-HEAD-SHAPED HAT}...THIS hat...which is a moose.

Kate: {EXCITED, POINTING CAMERA LEFT} SNORLAX!

{BOTH KATE AND SERGE RUN OFF-CAMERA...AND KATHLEEN THROWS OFF HER HAT IN DISGUST}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, WITH SERGE GIVEN THE NICKNAME "TEAM VALOR" AND KATE "TEAM MYSTIC"}

{SHOT OF KATE ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING...}

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Chunks of boy (?) {KATE LAUGHS ALONG WITH KATHLEEN} Sorry...