Vegans, Balls and Whale Barf Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Vegans, Balls and Whale Barf
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Kathleen: {SITTING IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR} Welcome to Feed Dump where you've never seen Graham look this feminine, because I'm not Graham. Shocking, but thems the breaks. Joining me this week is not Graham,
Kate: I'm... related to Graham.
Kathleen: And... another not Graham.
Beej: But I also have two testicles. {STANDS UP SO HIS CROTCH IS IN SHOT, BEGINS UNBUCKLING HIS BELT}
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} N-
Kathleen: AND ON THAT NOTE we're not gonna look at Beej's little dudes, we're just gonna hear about some news.
{TITLE: NOT GUNNA LOOK AT BEEJ'S LITTLE DUDES/NEWS}
Kathleen: You might think Cookie Monster's just some good natured guy that lives on Sesame Street, but he means business in Germany. He's stolen a golden biscuit from the Bahlsen Cookie Company in Hanover.
Beej: Did someone say balls?! {STANDS UP SO HIS CROTCH IS IN SHOT, BEGINS UNBUCKLING HIS BELT}
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} NOOOOOOOOO-
Kate: Kathleen, could you further explain? Was it an actual Muppet who did the stealing? 'Cause they don't have legs.
Kathleen: This guy is not actually a Muppet, he's just dressed as a Muppet, but he's kind of like a Robin Hood Muppet. According to his original ransom note that he sent through, he would return the biscuit, which has been hanging in front of the company's, uh, headquarters since 1913 by the way, uh, if they donated fourteen hundred dollars, or one thousand euro, to a local animal shelter {READING FROM IPAD} and "gave biscuits to children in hospitals across Hanover. But only the chocolate covered ones, and not the ones with dark chocolate 'cause kids don't like that.
Kate: I'm a little torn. On the one hand, theft. It's just straight up theft. On the other hand, donation to animal shelters and children's hospitals? {PUT HANDS UP TO TEMPLES} I'm so confused.
Beej: I hope they don't actually catch this guy, I... yeah I can think of a few other things he could burgle.
{TITLE: HE'S BURGLED ONCE! HE MIGHT... BURGLE AGAIN? BUT WHAT SHOULD HE BURGLE NEXT?!}
Beej: He could steal the giant checker-board outside the Purina Factory in Saint Louis and demand that they give checker-boards to all the animal hospitals across the States so that the bored animals have something to do while they're in the hospital.
Kate: What in the actual fuck.
Beej: Have you not seen how bored a cat gets sitting by itself for six hours?
Kate: My cat will ALWAYS find something to play with. A bottle cap, like a piece of string...
Beej: {OFFSCREEN} ...the PS3?
Kate: {THINKS, SUDDENLY REALIZES}
{CAMERA PANS TO SHOW BEEJ AND KATE ON THE COUCH}
Beej: You're not home all day!
Kate: {REALIZING} That's who prestiged on Call of Duty!
Beej: {LAUGHS}
Kate: That makes so much more sense now!
Kathleen: I see where both of you are going with this, but I was hoping maybe that we could connect his items of theivery to his ransom demands. Like, in his biggest heist yet, he steals the Leaning Tower of Pisa and won't give it back until the government provides free dildos to sexually frustrated Italian women everywhere.
Beej: Have you seen Italian men? I imagine sexually frustrated women is a very small demographic.
Kathleen: I beg to disagree, because I know for a fact that Italian women have been reduced to sleeping with Silvio Berlusconi.
Kate: OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! I got it. I got it. I got it. He steals the Eiffel tower, and he only gives it back when every set of French Men looking for a threesome gets-
Beej: {OFFSCREEN} NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Kate: {DISAPPOINTED} It was a really good one. Hi five? {GESTURES FOR A HIGH FIVE} {GESTURES AGAIN, BEEJ, OFFSCREEN, RECIPROCATES} Oh wait no. {DISGUSTED}
Kathleen: A man walking along the beach found something really filthy that turned out to be worth sixty-eight thousand dollars. What was it?
Beej: Secretariat's horse panties.
Kate: Keeping in theme with this week's Feed Dump, was it a testicle of some sort? Like, a whale? Like Moby Dick's testicle. Like, his left ball, not his right one.
Beej: 'Cause those are always traditionally worth more. The left one. 'Cause it rides higher.
Kathleen: I'm prepared to call it now to avoid any more testicle related jokes. Kate is the winner! The guy found a ball of ambergris.
Kate: That is super exciting for him! Good job. Now what the fuck is it, 'cause I have no idea.
Kathleen: {HOLDING IPAD} I'm glad you ask! In fact, I've prepared {SHOWS OFF IPAD WITH WIKIPEDIA ON IT} this wikipedia page ahead of time. {READING FROM IPAD} According to the Internet's most reliable source, "ambergris is a solid, waxy, flammable substance of dull grey or blackish colour, produced in the digestive system of sperm whales.
Basically it's sperm whale vomit slash poo slash intestinal goop. They make it to help themselves like, pass weird uh, hard to digest bits of stuff and they either shit it out or vomit it up if it's too big to pass. And, uh, when it comes out, it literally smells like shit, but as it ages it gets this like, nice, earthly smell too it, and they used to use it to preserve perfumes actually.
Beej: Way to win the whale vomit lottery, dude.
Kate: From now on, I am going to inspect every piece of vomit I come across.
Kathleen: You know what's more insufferable than a holier-than-thou vegan? A holier-than-thou vegan dog.
Beej: In the hell does a vegan dog even eat?! Cat turds?
Kate: Totes not vegan.
Kathleen: {READING FROM IPAD} Ken Butland, thirty-five, is a passionate vegan, and he says his two dachshunds, Major Wigglebottoms IV and Willie Kerfluffington II, quickly adapted to their new diet and now they can't get enough of it.
Kate: Screw the diet, has anybody addressed the clear animal abuse situation here of naming these dogs? Not okay.
Beej: You know what? Fuck that guy. Those dogs probably eat better than I do.
Kate: Actually, the article said they eat mostly raw cabbage.
Beej: Oh. I'm not that good a Ukrainian.
Kathleen: While those two poor Toronto Dachshunds are probably producing a lot of waste, not as much as this failed Timmins, Ontario tourist attraction that had to close its doors after twelve years.
Kate: The Great Poop Museum of Timmins, Ontario!
Beej: Yeah, no, I've gotta go with Kate on this one. It's got to be the great Timmins Poopseum.
Kathleen: It's not technically a poop museum, but for it's attendants it might as well have been. It was the Timmins Shania Twain Centre. {BREAKS} {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER FROM KATE AND BEEJ}
Beej: SNAP!
Kathleen: {HOLDING IPAD} They projected they would have fifty-thousand tourists a year. Not so much. At its peak, this place was drawing {READING FROM IPAD} fifteen thousand people.
Beej: I... literally thought this would be like the Shania Twain Centre for mentally handicapped children, and it turns out it's just the Shania Twain Centre for mentally handicapped adults.
Kate: I thought it was gonna be a museum of Shania Twain's poops.
Kathleen: I appreciate that you're taking this whole Feed Dump full poop circle {MIMES POOP CIRCLE} and so was the town of Timmins, Ontario! They're turning their figurative money pit, their poorly-attended Shania Twain museum, and turning it into a literal money pit! They're selling it to Goldcorp for five million dollars, and that company's gonna raze the whole thing and turn it into part of their open pit gold mine! EVERYBODY WINS! Except for Shania Twain.
Kate: You know what, Kathleen? I have thoroughly enjoyed this week's Dump Dump. Graham, don't hurry back.
Beej: Feed Dump: Poop you can Use. News about Poop.
Kathleen: And on that bombshell, this week's Dump Dump must come to an end. But remember, there may be better sources for news that don't have so many damn poop jokes in them, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON GREEN ROBITUSSIN TOQUE} which says Robitussin on it. So... nyah!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kate: {LAUGHING} Poop!
{EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING; CAMERA PANS TO BEEJ}
Beej: ONLY POOP!
Kate: {OFFSCREEN, LAUGHING} Shania Twain!
{CAMERA PANS TO KATE}
Kate: {CRYING WITH LAUGHTER} That was super good.
