Van Dump Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Van Dump

{NOTE THAT THIS ENTIRE EPISODE TAKES PLACE ON THE ROAD BETWEEN CALGARY COMIC-CON AND VICTORIA. THE CREW IS IN A VAN FOR THE DURATION OF THE EPISODE. AS SUCH, THE BACKDROP FOR ALL OF THE CREW MEMBERS ARE CAR SEATS AND THE WINDOWS OF THE CAR. JAMES IS DRIVING, MATT IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, GRAHAM AND KATHLEEN ARE IN THE MIDDLE SEATS, AND LEELEE IS IN THE BACK SEAT}

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Van Dump, recorded live on the road on the way home from Calgary Comic-Con. The bridge crew is on an away mission, so I'm acting Ensign Stark-

Matt: {OFF SCREEN} Shut up, Graham!

Graham: {LOOKING EXASPERATED} -and joining me this week is the helmsman,

James: {WEARING SUNGLASSES, IS ALSO DRIVING THE VAN} Finally, I get a good name!

Graham: Chief of security,

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} I'm just like Worf, but not intimidating. Ka-PLAH! {RAISES FIST}

Graham: Chief of operations,

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} I- I've never done a surgery before!

Graham: And ship's counsiler.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} We're all doomed!

Graham: And we are one of the worst crews.

{TITLE: WE'RE ONE OF THE WORST CREWS/NEWS}

Graham: An Australian billionaire and possible madman is building a life-size working replica of the Titanic, updated with twenty-first century technology, that will make its maiden voyage in 2016, from England to New York, as was originally planned.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} By himself? He must be working really fast.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} What this news story doesn't report is that James Cameron has hired a team of engineers to hand-craft an identical iceberg to ensure that his prime franchise is ready for a sequel.

James: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} Titanic 2: Another Billion Dollars.

Graham: Titanic 2: Ice Harder.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} Titanic 2: A Triumph of Stupidity.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} Titanic 2: Fate Strikes Back.

Graham: Titanic 2: Kings of the World.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} Titanic 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} Titanic 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} Titanic 2: The Quest for Curley's Gold.

James: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} Titanic 2: {Really?}

Graham: Now it's time to play the whole van has to figure out what Graham is talking about.

{TITLE: The Entire Van HAS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT Graham IS TALKING ABOUT (LeeLee: I HAVE TO PEE!)}

Graham: An Idaho man was charged for forcing another man at gunpoint to do what?

James: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} At-home heart surgery?

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} Clean his toilet.

Clean his toilet... in a sexual way.

Graham: Point of clarity: when you say "clean his toilet in a sexual way," do you mean "clean his toilet while being sexual about it?" Or do you mean like, {AIR QUOTES} clean his toilet. Yah know, in a sexual way. {AIR QUOTES} As a euphemism. With bunny rabbit ears.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} I- I don't know. Which is worse? Probably the second one. We'll go with the second one.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} To compliment his fine meal with a serving of mashed Idaho potatoes.

Kathleen: {SHOUTS} {OFF SCREEN} Is that a euphemism?

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} No!

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} Uh... tech support?

Take him... to... dinner? Or the movies? Or a nice date with his mother?

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} Give him his wallet?

Graham: Oh yeah! Uh, that would be pretty... uh, I guess... yeah. No! Though. It was perform the moonwalk. The article doesn't say why, but a man in Idaho... at gunpoint, with a rifle, forced another man to do the moonwalk.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} He just wanted to setup a Michael Jackson flash mob, but then nobody responded to his invite on facebook, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} I hope the guy was able to do it. I know- I know I can't do the moonwalk. I would be fucked.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} {COCKS INVISIBLE RIFLE} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Dance for me boy! {IN NORMAL VOICE} I love Michael Jackson!

Graham: How many stories have we done about people smuggling reptiles through customs? Offhand I'm going to say eleventy-billion. But today, we might actually know the reason. Because a man was caught smuggling a hundred and fifteen {AIR QUOTES} "Oven-ready" iguanas into the states.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} It's brilliant! Now you just need to tap into the college market. Just make them ready for microwaves, and, and you have Papa Murphy's Easy 'Guana.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} This is one food product where the question "would you like flies with that" doesn't seem wholey inappropriate.

{SHOT OF PAUL, IN REFEREE UNIFORM, SITTING ON THE SOFA BACK AT THE MOONBASE}

Paul: {IN REFEREE UNIFORM} Horrible pun foul! Strike one!

{BACK IN THE VAN}

Graham: The recent winner of the Miss Dominican Republic beauty pagent may be stripped of her crown, because while her marriage is being annulled, she is technically a misses.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} So is she getting her marriage annulled because she wants to disolve her marriage, or because she'd rather be Miss Dominican Republic. I mean, either way the guy probably feels like shit.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} I guess beauty paegents feel really bad when you start talking about your ex boyfriends.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} Beauty paegents are so insecure.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} It would be a real shame if this ordeal caused her to MISS out.

{SHOT OF PAUL, IN REFEREE UNIFORM, SITTING ON THE SOFA BACK AT THE MOONBASE}

Paul {IN REFEREE UNIFORM} Even worse pun foul! Strike two!

{BACK IN THE VAN}

Graham: A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for reporting someone as being too drunk to drive, in that he reported himself as being too drunk to drive. And was arrested because he was too drunk to drive.

James: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} You can be too drunk to drive?! {LOOKS BACK AT ROAD, THEN BACK AT CAMERA} Uh oh.

LeeLee: {WEARING GRAY TOQUE} Apparently the cops this guy called were just both Batman and only cared about the justice.

Or! They were just dicks.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT SLOUCHY BERET} Honesty: in this situation, the worst policy.

Matt: {WEARING SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP} So you're saying he was DRIVEN to do the right thing?

{SHOT OF PAUL, IN REFEREE UNIFORM, SITTING ON THE SOFA BACK AT THE MOONBASE}

Paul {IN REFEREE UNIFORM} Strike three! YOOOOU'RE OUTTA THERE!

{SHOT OF THE VAN, EXTERIOR. WE SEE THE VAN PULL AWAY FROM WHAT APPEARS TO BE A REST STOP. MATT HAS BEEN LEFT BEHIND. HE HAS HIS ARMS CROSSED IN POUT. HE IS STILL WEARING A SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP}

Graham: {SIGHS PLEASANTLY} Aah. So, until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but! They don't have- {BEGINS TO PUT ON BLACK AND WHITE MARIACHI SOMBRERO}

James: {OFF SCREEN} {SHOUTING} MOOSE!

{EVERYONE LOOKS STARTLED}

{CUT TO BLACK}

{CRASHING NOISE}

{SHOT OF MATT AT THE MOONBASE, SITTING IN GRAHAM'S CHAIR. HE IS WEARING A BLACK SUIT, A BLACK TIE, AND THE BLACK AND WHITE MARIACHI SOMBRERO. HE IS SOMBER}

Matt: {SADLY} -this hat. {TAKES OFF HAT} If you'll excuse me. {STANDS UP, WALKS OUT OF SHOT, WHICH SLOWLY PANS DOWN TO EMPTY LEATHER CHAIR}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, APPEARING CREDITS LIST GRAHAM, JAMES, KATHLEEN, AND LEELEE AS BEING "Deceased," and EDITED BY CREDITS LIST KATHLEEN AS "Still Deceased."

JESSICA FIELHAUER IS LISTED AS "Alive but unwell," ALEXANDER MACRIS AS "Quite ill," STEVE BUTTS AS "Monstrously sick," AND GREG LINCOLN AS "Vomit everywhere."}

{CLOSE SHOT OF MATT'S SHOULDER. HE PUTS ON CAMO HUNTING JACKET}

{CLOSE SHOT OF HIM ZIPPING IT UP}

{CLOSE SHOT OF HIM PUTTING ON WIDE-BRIMMED ARMY CAMO HAT}

{SHOT OF HIM PUTTING BLACK AND WHITE MARIACHI SOMBRERO ON TOP OF THAT}

{PAN UP ON MATT, STANDING ON BLACK BACKGROUND, WEARING REVERSABLE CAMO HUNTING JACKET, WEARING WIDE-BRIMMED ARMY CAMO HAT AND BLACK AND WHITE MARIACHI SOMBRERO. HE IS HOLDING A RIFEL. HE COCKS IT}

{TITLE APPEARS: Cabela's MATT WIGGINS: MOOSE KILLER} {DRAMATIC DISCO MUSIC PLAYS}