Toilet Humour Transcript

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Transcript for Toilet Humor.


{Scene opens with a waiter, played by Graham, standing next to the washrooms, with the title credits in the middle of the shot. The customer, played by Andy, arrives.}

Waiter (Graham): May I help you, sir?

Customer (Andy): Uh, no, I think I'll be okay, thanks.

Waiter: And what makes you think you can just walk in there?

Customer: Well, I'm, I mean, I've got the anatomy.

Waiter: I don't care if you've got the botany, you're not going in there.

Customer: Listen. If I don't go in there, pretty soon I'm gonna be going out here.

Waiter: Sir, you can't go in there unless you show me your card.

Customer: My what?

Waiter: Your card.

Customer: Look, I don't know what this is all about, but I really need to use the men's room, so...

Waiter: Ah, I see where we're getting confused. This is not a men's room, this is a Gentlemen's Room.

Customer: Does it have a toilet in it?

Waiter: Of course.

Customer: Then it's good enough.

Waiter: But sir, you can't go into the Gentlemen's room without a Gentlemen's club card.

Customer: Why, what's so special about it?

Waiter: Oh sir. The gentlemen's room comes fully-equipped with all the latest information age toiletries, including the fluffy kind of toilet paper and a full-time washroom attendant.

Customer: I don't care wha- no kidding, a washroom attendant?

Waiter: Oh yes. Although, I'm afraid to say he's a little enthusiastic about his job.

Customer: Really?

{Scene pans to Jer and Paul in the Gentlemen's Room}

Washroom Attendant (Paul): Hi there! Can I help you with anything?

Gentleman (Jer): Uh, nono, I'm good thanks.

Washroom Attendant: Are you sure?

{Gentleman nods}

Washroom Attendant: 'Cause I've got these nifty bottles of cologne {squirt}.

Gentleman: I think I'll do without, thanks.

Washroom Attendant: I've also got hot towels, aftershave lotion, and a little bowl full of mints that I personally don't like very much, but-

Gentleman: Buddy, could you please just go away?

{Washroom Attendant leaves with a sad expression}

Washroom Attendant: {Off-camera} You want some gum?

Gentleman: NO!

{Scene pans back to Waiter and Customer in front of the Gentlemen's Room}

Customer: Whatever, I'll deal with it. Excuse me.

Waiter: But sir, I simply can't let you into the Gentlemen's room without a Gentlemen's club card. And do stand up, we just had the floor waxed.

Customer: Okay. Alright. How do I get a card?

Waiter: Well, usually the application process takes about six weeks.

Customer: Six weeks!? I... I don't have six weeks, I barely have six seconds!

Waiter: But I am authorized to issue a day-pass.

Customer: Great!

Waiter: After a short questionnaire.

Customer: Crap!

Waiter: Not yet, you have to get the pass first.

Customer: Look, I don't have time for a questionnaire, can't I just use the ladies' room?

Waiter: With that figure? Don't kid yourself.

Customer: Fine. Give me the questions.

Waiter: Name?

Customer: John Hurley.

Waiter: Occupation?

Customer: Chartered accountant.

Waiter: Urination, defecation or masturbation?

Customer: What?

Waiter: Urination, defecation or masturbation?

Customer: Uh...

Waiter: If you feel uncomfortable with these words, you may answer with a euphemism: Number one, number two or number three to four months in prison.

Customer: Number one.

Waiter: {writes down answers}

Customer: No wait. Point five.

Waiter: One point five. That's a new one.

Customer: Point five.

Waiter: Yes sir.

Customer: Look, I'm kind of on the brink here. Could you fill out the rest of your questions on your own judgement?

Waiter: Very good sir. Posture: despicable, Wardrobe: uncouth, Intelligence: {moves pen in front of Customer's face} questionable.

Customer: Now wait a minute. I didn't come here to be insulted!

Waiter: Where do you usually go?

Customer: That's an old one.

Waiter: And a gentlemen would have laughed politely; sense of humour out of ten: one... point five.

Customer: This is ridiculous! I demand to see the manager!

Waiter: Certainly sir.

{Waiter leaves and returns with a fake mustache}

Waiter with mustache: May I help you sir?

Customer: {startled} Yes. I'd like a day-pass.

Waiter with mustache: Very good sir. Urination, defecation or masturbation?

Customer: We've been all through that.

Waiter with mustache: Really? Did we do the bit about Jerry?

Customer: Who?

Waiter with mustache: The washroom attendant.

Customer: Oh. Yes.

Waiter with mustache: Hmm. Perhaps it would be best if you told me where we left off.

Customer: "This is ridiculous. I demand to see the manager."

Waiter with mustache: Certainly sir.

{Waiter with mustache leaves}

Customer: No, wait!

{Waiter without mustache returns}

Waiter: May I help you, sir?

Customer: You're the manager?

Waiter: Yes.

Customer: I thought the other guy was the manager.

Waiter: No, he just thinks he is. Poor fellow. We only humour him because he's so devilishly handsome.

{Bell rings}

Waiter: Ah.

{Waiter removes the Gentlemen's Room sign, replacing it with a "Closed" sign}

Waiter: I'm sorry sir, it's closing time.

Customer: Closing time!?

Waiter: Yes sir.

Customer: Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Waiter: Uh well, that's for the one. {Hands Customer a lab beaker}. And you figure out the point five.

Customer: {In shock} What...