Toilet Humour Transcript
Transcript for Toilet Humor.
Transcript
{Scene opens with a waiter, played by Graham, standing next to the washrooms, with the title credits in the middle of the shot. The customer, played by Andy, arrives.}
Waiter (Graham): May I help you, sir?
Customer (Andy): Uh, no, I think I'll be okay, thanks.
Waiter: And what makes you think you can just walk in there?
Customer: Well, I'm, I mean, I've got the anatomy.
Waiter: I don't care if you've got the botany, you're not going in there.
Customer: Listen. If I don't go in there, pretty soon I'm gonna be going out here.
Waiter: Sir, you can't go in there unless you show me your card.
Customer: My what?
Waiter: Your card.
Customer: Look, I don't know what this is all about, but I really need to use the men's room, so...
Waiter: Ah, I see where we're getting confused. This is not a men's room, this is a Gentlemen's Room.
Customer: Does it have a toilet in it?
Waiter: Of course.
Customer: Then it's good enough.
Waiter: But sir, you can't go into the Gentlemen's room without a Gentlemen's club card.
Customer: Why, what's so special about it?
Waiter: Oh sir. The gentlemen's room comes fully-equipped with all the latest information age toiletries, including the fluffy kind of toilet paper and a full-time washroom attendant.
Customer: I don't care wha- no kidding, a washroom attendant?
Waiter: Oh yes. Although, I'm afraid to say he's a little enthusiastic about his job.
Customer: Really?
{Scene pans to Jer and Paul in the Gentlemen's Room}
Washroom Attendant (Paul): Hi there! Can I help you with anything?
Gentleman (Jer): Uh, nono, I'm good thanks.
Washroom Attendant: Are you sure?
{Gentleman nods}
Washroom Attendant: 'Cause I've got these nifty bottles of cologne {squirt}.
Gentleman: I think I'll do without, thanks.
Washroom Attendant: I've also got hot towels, aftershave lotion, and a little bowl full of mints that I personally don't like very much, but-
Gentleman: Buddy, could you please just go away?
{Washroom Attendant leaves with a sad expression}
Washroom Attendant: {Off-camera} You want some gum?
Gentleman: NO!
{Scene pans back to Waiter and Customer in front of the Gentlemen's Room}
Customer: Whatever, I'll deal with it. Excuse me.
Waiter: But sir, I simply can't let you into the Gentlemen's room without a Gentlemen's club card. And do stand up, we just had the floor waxed.
Customer: Okay. Alright. How do I get a card?
Waiter: Well, usually the application process takes about six weeks.
Customer: Six weeks!? I... I don't have six weeks, I barely have six seconds!
Waiter: But I am authorized to issue a day-pass.
Customer: Great!
Waiter: After a short questionnaire.
Customer: Crap!
Waiter: Not yet, you have to get the pass first.
Customer: Look, I don't have time for a questionnaire, can't I just use the ladies' room?
Waiter: With that figure? Don't kid yourself.
Customer: Fine. Give me the questions.
Waiter: Name?
Customer: John Hurley.
Waiter: Occupation?
Customer: Chartered accountant.
Waiter: Urination, defecation or masturbation?
Customer: What?
Waiter: Urination, defecation or masturbation?
Customer: Uh...
Waiter: If you feel uncomfortable with these words, you may answer with a euphemism: Number one, number two or number three to four months in prison.
Customer: Number one.
Waiter: {writes down answers}
Customer: No wait. Point five.
Waiter: One point five. That's a new one.
Customer: Point five.
Waiter: Yes sir.
Customer: Look, I'm kind of on the brink here. Could you fill out the rest of your questions on your own judgement?
Waiter: Very good sir. Posture: despicable, Wardrobe: uncouth, Intelligence: {moves pen in front of Customer's face} questionable.
Customer: Now wait a minute. I didn't come here to be insulted!
Waiter: Where do you usually go?
Customer: That's an old one.
Waiter: And a gentlemen would have laughed politely; sense of humour out of ten: one... point five.
Customer: This is ridiculous! I demand to see the manager!
Waiter: Certainly sir.
{Waiter leaves and returns with a fake mustache}
Waiter with mustache: May I help you sir?
Customer: {startled} Yes. I'd like a day-pass.
Waiter with mustache: Very good sir. Urination, defecation or masturbation?
Customer: We've been all through that.
Waiter with mustache: Really? Did we do the bit about Jerry?
Customer: Who?
Waiter with mustache: The washroom attendant.
Customer: Oh. Yes.
Waiter with mustache: Hmm. Perhaps it would be best if you told me where we left off.
Customer: "This is ridiculous. I demand to see the manager."
Waiter with mustache: Certainly sir.
{Waiter with mustache leaves}
Customer: No, wait!
{Waiter without mustache returns}
Waiter: May I help you, sir?
Customer: You're the manager?
Waiter: Yes.
Customer: I thought the other guy was the manager.
Waiter: No, he just thinks he is. Poor fellow. We only humour him because he's so devilishly handsome.
{Bell rings}
Waiter: Ah.
{Waiter removes the Gentlemen's Room sign, replacing it with a "Closed" sign}
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, it's closing time.
Customer: Closing time!?
Waiter: Yes sir.
Customer: Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Waiter: Uh well, that's for the one. {Hands Customer a lab beaker}. And you figure out the point five.
Customer: {In shock} What...