Tigers, Cookies and Snakes Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Tigers, Cookies and Snakes

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where once again, I am filling in for Graham. But that's good news, because I an Ankylosaurus.

Joining me this week is a T-Rex,

Paul: Stay very still, I hunt by movement.

Kathleen: and a brontosaurus!

Matt: I'm not a real dinosaur, but you think I am!

Paul: Actually I'm pretty sure that hunt by movement thing is propaganda that the T-Rex invented so that they could hunt easier. It's really easy when everyone stands still.

Kathleen: But of course, dinosaurs are dangerous, so we'd better charge up our lasers and shoot off some pew pews.

{TITLE: BETTER CHARGE UP OUR LASERS AND SHOOT OFF SOME PEW PEWS!/NEWS (SUBTITLE: DINOSAUR DEFENCE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.)}

Kathleen: Circuses are fun, right? Wrong. They are pits of danger. A woman in Selena, Kansas had a close scare when she ran into what in the bathroom?

Paul: Wait a minute! You're asking us to guess?! You're asking THIS COMBINATION OF PEOPLE to guess?! That means it's-

{TITLE: Paul and Matt HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT Graham/KATHLEEN IS TALKING ABOUT}

Paul: A bear wearing a tutu.

Matt: The elephants on parade.

Paul: Hmm, I like that guess. Those elephants on parade are TERRIFYING.

{SHOT OF MATT AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. MATT HUGS HIMSELF AND ROCKS BACK AND FORTH. PAUL CLINGS TO HIM, FRIGHTENED}

Matt: {ROCKING BACK AND FORTH} The elephants... the elephants on parade...

Paul: WHERE ARE THEY GOING?! WHYYYYYY?

Kathleen: Okay, Dumbo-related childhood traumas aside, it was not anything to do with that. It was in fact a tiger. A lady got up to go to the bathroom, and apparently the tiger had the same idea. It wandered in after she started to do her business.

Paul: There's some joke here about scaring the shit out of somebody, but I don't know what it is.

Matt: Oh wow! This is just like the movie Life of Pi! Except instead of being a majestic tail of survival under a life boat on the open sea, it's a two minute ordeal in a poorly kept public bathroom facility.

Paul: I can see what happened here. Probably the tiger was gonna go to the tiger bathroom, but there was a REALLY long line and he was like, "well, I'll just go into the human bathroom. You know, nobody'll notice."

Kathleen: Hey, there was some drama, the lady did take her 3-year-old daughter into the bathroom with her, who was completely unharmed, but was very concerned the tiger had not washed its hands.

Paul: You know, this would never happen with Cirque Du Soleil.

Kathleen: Eh, yeah, because they don't have tigers at Cirque Du Soleil.

Paul: Yeah. That... that was the joke?

Kathleen: Moving on... the manager of an Austrian hotel had a very bad weekend after he became trapped in an elevator for four days.

Paul: Was there also a tiger in the elevator? 'Cause then that would be a story!

Matt: That sounds like a game show.

{SHOT OF MATT AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. PAUL HOLDS A HANDHELD MICROPHONE}

Paul: {HOLDING HANDHELD MICROPHONE} {IN ANNOUNCER VOICE} Alright Matt Wiggins! Are you ready to be the next contestant on "Who Wants to be Trapped in an Elevator with a Tiger for Four Days?!"

{SHOT OF MATT}

Matt: He may have been a hotel manager, but he really wanted to move up within his company.

Kathleen: Now, while four twenty (4/20), a.k.a {HIGH PITCHED} "Smoke Weed E'ery Daaaaaaay," uh, may not be an official holiday in Canada, I'd have to say it is well observed in our neck of the woods. So, when police in White Rock had made a bust for pot cookies, it wasn't such a big deal. 'Til they discovered eight thousand of them.

Matt: Pot cookies? That's not how you make cookies! You make them on a sheet.

So it's relevant to note that this news story never actually confirms that the cookies were pot cookies. So I like to think the cops just showed up at this house and confiscated e-eight thousand cookies on a... spurrious... pot charge. "Yeah, yeah, those are pot cookies. Just load them into the truck, guys. Load them in the truck."

Paul: {WEARING BLACK POLICE OFFICER CAP} Misses Christie, you're going DOWN!!!

Matt: They're like Chips Ahoy, but in this case there's a thousand tips in every bag.

{SHOT OF MATT AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. MATT IS HOLDING A HANDHELD MIC UP TO PAUL. PAUL IS WEARING THE BLACK POLICE OFFICER CAP}

Paul: {WEARING BLACK POLICE OFFICER CAP} Yes that's correct, we seized eight thousand pot cookies this morning, and we sent all seven thousand of them to the lab to get tested, and the six thousand we got back we will be putting into storage and if anybody wants to help us possibly get rid of the two thousand pot cookies, feel free to come by and we're doing a barbeque and it should be a lot of fun. I mean it's gonna be just, {HIGH PITCHED} sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.

{SHOT OF PAUL}

Paul: I feel like if you're making eight thousand pot cookies, that's actually more of a baking operation than like, a growing operation. Like, I can see that these guys would be like baking this, and making all the pot cookies, and then like halfway through would be like, "you know, I think I just really like making cookies."

Matt: Well it does seem like if you're making pot cookies that forgetting what you're doing half way through is very apropos for the situation.

Kathleen: Vietnamese police were pretty shocked when they pulled over a driver and found out he was smuggling fifty-three king cobras in his car.

Matt: Well this is one police caper that's gonna go down in hisssssssssssstory.

Paul: King cobras can grow to like, eighteen feet long! If you do the math, {LOOKS DOWN} that's like... a million feet!!!

Matt: Actually Paul, it's no feet. 'Cause they're snakes.

{SHOT OF MATT AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. PAUL HOLDS A HANDHELD MICROPHONE}

Paul: {HOLDING HANDHELD MICROPHONE} {IN ANNOUNCER VOICE} Matt Wiggins! You're the next contestant on: Who Wants to be in a Car with fifty-three King Cobras?! {MUGS}

Matt: Do I have to be?

Kathleen: As much as I hate to interrupt the incredible mental picture you guys are painting here of just a man stuffed in a writhing pile of snakes trying to drive down the road, the snakes were actually being kept in sacks, and it's not like he was just doing this for shits and giggles, he got paid fifty bucks to do this.

Matt: That's not even a dollar a snake!!! Not worth it!

Paul: This man has extremely poor negotiating skills.

Matt: This does not seem like a SCALEable business plan.

Kathleen: Alright, I am calling a moratorium on Matt puns after that one, and that unfortunately means the end of the episode. So remember: while there may be better sources for news, they don't have {PUTS ON DEERSTALKER CAP} this hat! Which will help me get to the bottom of the mystery of how Matt thought he could tell jokes in the first place. {STROKES CHIN}

Matt: Hey!!!

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Episode's over Matt!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Matt: Meeting a tiger in a bathroom would give me PAWS.

{PAUL LEANS INTO FRAME, WEARING A REFEREE UNIFORM}

Paul: {WEARING REFEREE UNIFORM} YOU'RE Ou- {SIGHS} You know what, I don't even care anymore. {GETS UP AND LEAVES}