The Salty Watermelon Transcript

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Feed Dump Transcript- The Salty Watermelon

{LRR LOGO}

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are photosensitive. I'm a Nintendo Zapper, {HOLDS UP NINTENDO ZAPPER, PULLS TRIGGER TWICE} joining me this week is a SuperScope,

Paul: {HOLDING SUPER SCOPE OVER HIS SHOULDER} {LOOKING CONFUSED} Why are the buttons up here?!

Graham: And a Sega Light Phaser.

James: Oh, would you look at that? I get the shitty role again! That gun sucked so bad, we don't even HAVE one! And we have THESE! {HOLDS UP GIANT WOODEN FORK AND GIANT WOODEN SPOON}

Graham: And we're gonna pwn some noobs! {HOLDS UP NINTENDO ZAPPER, PULLS TRIGGER ONCE}

{TITLE: WE'RE GONNA PWN SOME NOOBS/NEWS}

Graham: Starting off with the guessing game, Paul and James need to figure out what unappetizing flavour of Pepsi is going to be introduced to Japan.

{TITLE: Paul and James HAVE TO FI- SOMETHING ABOUT PEPSI? (Paul: Wait, wait, what did you say? I forgot.) (James: I didn't catch any of that.)}

Paul: See, the problem with this is it's Japan, which already has crazy flavours of everything.

Kim-chee!

James: Pepto-bismol!

Paul: Coke! They finally figured it out. It's gonna mess with everyone's mind.

James: Octopus.

Paul: Which in Japan, is called Tako. Ooh, how about tacos?

There's that bacon salt stuff that they put in everything now, so bacon-flavoured Pepsi seems like a no-brainer.

Ooh, wait, how about baconnaise-flavoured Pepsi?

James: Used panties? I mean they've already got the vending machines.

Graham: Joining the existing yogurt-flavoured Pepsi White, and Strawberry Milk-flavoured Pepsi Pink, comes their newest flavour, Salty Watermelon.

Paul: It's the salty that's really questionable I think, here. And really, salty anything is highly questionable when you're talking about like, a drink.

James: See I never woulda thought to put salt and watermelon together to begin with. Is that, like, a thing there? Do they like putting salt on everything? 'Cause... eew.

Paul: Now, am I the only one who's thinking that "The Salty Watermelon" has gotta be some sort of terrible sex act?

James: So please, email us your ideas as to what exactly the salty watermel-

{PAUL POPS IN FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN}

Paul: NO NO NO. Do not do that! Do- actually, no wait, send it to Graham.

{SUBTITLE: FEEDDUMP@LOADINGREADYRUN.COM}

Graham: A woman from Australia said that a kangaroo who attacked her had also stalked her for several days prior.

{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS LOOKING OFF SCREEN, JAMES IS MIMING KANGAROO HANDS AND SLOWLY HOPPING UP BEHIND HIM. PAUL SUDDENLY LOOKS BACK AT JAMES, WHO THEN LOOKS AWAY INNOCENTLY, WHISTLES. PAUL LOOKS FORWARD AGAIN. JAMES LUNGES}

James: {AS A KANGAROO} HUWAAAAAAH!

{CUT TO JUST PAUL}

Paul: Now kangaroos may be good at stalking people in real life, but I think they wouldn't be very good at cyber stalking. Little hands.

James: {TRYING TO USE IPHONE, BUT PRETENDING HIS HANDS ARE TINY} Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT! {DROPS IPHONE} DAMMIT! I need opposable thumbs!!!

Graham: The kangaroo hung around outside her house for several days, and she contacted wildlife officials, who told her to just ignore it, and that it would move on. Then it attacked her dog, and then the next day it attacked her, and then while she was in hospital recovering, it attacked her husband.

Paul: Well, what has become abundantly clear hear is those wildlife officials are in the kangaroo's POCKET.

{WEARING TOP HAT} Oh really, that's what you think? Well, maybe... Sir Douglas Marcin can change your mind, hmm?

{LOOKING AT CAMERA} That's a hundred! {GRAHAM LAUGHS OFF CAMERA} Also, for some reason this kangaroo's wearing a top hat. {LAUGHS} We don't have a kangaroo outfit!

James: Maybe the youth gangs of today are getting more inventive with the term "hired goons." Perhaps hired kang-goons?

Graham: Hired Kang-goons is my Men At Work cover band.

US Dairy Farmers are trying something new to get better milk from their cows. We've all heard of cows getting back rubs and they do that, you've heard of cows listening to classical music, they do that too, but now: water beds!

James: That doesn't sound like a good idea. A bunch of cows swaying back and forth, gettin' all sea sick and shit?

Paul: {LOOKING AT JAMES} They have FOUR STOMACHS! That is not gonna be good!

{PAN TO JAMES}

James: Yeah, so we're talkin' is four times the vomit? Lovely. {PAUL LAUGHS}

Paul: That just seems like it would be extremely disconcerting for the cows. Like, there's no situation in their natural environment where they would encounter that. Like, water beds are kinda weird even for people.

The real problem with this is that there's gonna be a cow sleeping on the water bed, and then another cow will sit down quickly on the other side of the water bed, and just shoot the first cow off.

Graham: I don't know how much milk you've gotta sell to offset the cost of a seventy THOUSAND dollar bovine water bed, but it's gotta be a lot.

Paul: Is that seventy thousand per cow? Or maybe they actually just replace the entire floor of the barn with just a big huge water bed? That would be pretty cool, and that would be worth seventy thousand dollars. If it's seventy thousand per cow, somebody's getting ripped off.

Is it just me, or do you think that, like, a video of just a cow serenely sleeping on, on a water bed, so it's sort of gently sloshing back and forth, I feel like that would be really restful to watch.

James: Eeh, yeah but I feel like a certain number of people would turn that into a sex thing.

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: Dammit James, Rule 34. Now that you've said it, it already exists.

{PAN BACK TO JAMES}

James: {LOOKING ON HIS IPHONE} Ooh. Waterbedmilkers.com... "Your number one source for bovine watersports."

Graham: A quote from the farmer: {READING FROM IPAD} "They were real sceptical at first because it was real jiggly. But once they adapted, they didn't look back. They just jump on and stay there." Of course they do! They're cows! Where else are they gonna go? Think they're gonna complain? Be like, {IMPERTINANT VOICE} No! I wanta my own bed!

The University of Lester school of psychology has released a study showing that rude people prefer aggressive, angry dogs.

Paul: Uuh, yeah?

That's sort of a self-fulfilling thing, because if you're a rude person, you're probably more likely to buy a dog and not train it properly.

Graham: In the study, rather than refer to people as douches or assholes, they refer to these people as having "low agreeableness."

Paul: Hey James, you look like you have a lot of agreeableness today!

{PAN TO JAMES}

James: You take that back or I'll sick my pit bull on you!

{PAN BACK TO PAUL}

Paul: And now you have less agreeableness.

{PAN BACK TO JAMES, WHO GIVES PAUL THE FINGER}

Paul: {OFF SCREEN} Your aggrebal-ence has gone {CAMERA PANS BACK TO PAUL AS JAMES PUSHES HIS FINGER INTO PAUL'S FACE} down.

Graham: For this to work, they had to independently rate how aggressive various dogs seem with bull terriers and boxers near the top of the list, while cocker spaniels came in cuddliest.

Paul: Just a sec, scientists have an objective scale of cuddliness? It sorta like a kitten at one end, and a like a sea urchin at the other end?

James: You wanna... find out where we rank on that list?

{PAN TOWARD PAUL, WHO SHRUGS. THEY GO IN FOR A HUG}

Both: {SIMULTANEOUSLY} Hm... two? DICK!

Graham: For those keeping score, a two on the sea urchin to fwuffiest little kitten list is... a armadillo. It's not actively spiky, but it's not super cuddly. Matt says I'm an eight which, is a well-adjusted kangaroo. So... that's nice. Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but! They don't have {PUTS ON WHITE FEDORA WITH STEAMPUNK PAC-MAN GHOSTS} this hat, given to us by Lady Chaos designs, with steampunk pac-man ghosts. {SUBTITLE: http://www.ladychaosdesign.com/ } Because... everything needs a bit of steampunk, I guess.... {WHISPERS} ghosts!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Paul: I like this idea that maybe they can just flavour the Pepsi like things that it's often drunk with. That way you don't have to drink, have the other thing with it. So you could have like pizza-flavoured Pepsi, or... hamburger-flavoured Pepsi.