The Panalysts Bonus - PAX Online 2020

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Welcome to a special episode of the Panalysts recorded for Pax Online 2020.

Vital Statistics

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Date: September 20, 2020

Category: The Panalysts

Host: Graham Stark

Cohosts: Ian Horner, Cameron Lauder, Brendan "Beej" Dery, Molly Lewis

Synopsis

  • Due to a clerical error, going forward whenever you sneeze it instead produces one of the following sounds: The Jurassic Park main theme, a recording of Graham going 'HEY!', or "car sounds" (later clarified to be "the agonizing gasps of a 1978 V8 Plymouth Volare turning over for the last time").
    • Ian and Cameron: The Jurassic Park main theme
    • Beej and Molly: "car sounds"
      • Given advantage for introducing the world to Sneeze Edging, or "Sneging"
  • You don't have to live on Earth anymore! You're going to Mars so humanity can ruin another planet. As one of the first Mars settlers, it will be years before you can grow your own food, so to tide you over, you have been given a sufficient of a staple food. Do you want to spend the next 18 months eating potatoes, rice, or corn?
    • Ian and Cameron: Potatoes
      • Given the edge for determining that they are part of a reality TV show and were determined to put on a good show
    • Beej and Molly: Corn
  • Good news: You are at a wedding. Bad news: It is the wedding for two truly awful people. Good news: You are Fair folk, aka the Fae or fairies; and you here to make sure that things turn out real fair for these assholes. So how are you going to hex up these narcissists nuptials? The mother-in-law wears white and the bride turns into a pile of cobras after the kiss, the venue is double-booked and also hosting a monster truck rally in the parking lot, or the wedding is crashed by Limp Bizkit who are attempting to film a viral comeback video.
    • Ian and Cameron: MiL wears white and bride turns into cobras
      • The edge given to the gestalt of snakes
    • Beej and Molly: Monster Truck Rally
  • You dear Aunt Euphomea has passed away. She has left you something in her will and it's your choice, but you gotta take something or they won't let you leave. Would you like: an old coffee tin labeled "angry ghost", all of the secret Garfield strips deemed to hot to publish by McMeel Syndication, or a very horny parrot who unlike the ghost will tell you exactly what it's desires are?
    • Ian and Cameron: secret Garfield strips
    • Beej and Molly: screaming tin can
  • Penny Arcade and Reedpop have hire you as a consultant to ask for assistance in selecting a new convention center for when PAX someday returns to the meatspace. You will be able to offer a PAX location with either:
  1. a baffling labyrinth of a convention center nowhere near hotels, but surrounded by amazing and affordable restaurants that can comfortably accommodate large numbers;
  2. a cramped and joyless convention center with no natural light in an utter desert of food options, but attached to numerous cheap and comfortable hotels;
  3. a convention center nowhere near places to sleep or places to eat or public transportation, but a convention center that is innately navigable, easy walkable, is resplendent with comfortable seating, feature odourless bathrooms and is acoustically perfect.
  • Ian and Cameron: amazing and affordable restaurants
  • Beej and Molly: numerous cheap and comfortable hotels
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