The Biggest, Blackest Dump Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- The Biggest, Blackest Dump

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where it's summer time and that means, yes, it's convention season, and that means this week, we're better things to spend your money on than DashCon. I am of course Comic Con International, the granddaddy of all nerdy conventions. Joining me this week is LRRCON,

Paul: We hired somebody to organize that for us.

Kathleen: And... Ash's last board game night?

Ash: Say what you will, there was more stuff to do there than at DashCon.

Kathleen: Ha ha! Topical.

{TITLE: PHIL KEN SEBBIN (SUBTITLE: BIRDMAN!)}

Kathleen: Good news for me, Goths and people who are afraid of color: Scientists have created a new type of black that's blacker than any other black before. It's called Vantablack, and it absorbs all but 0.035 percent of visible light.

Ash: Finally, a color to match my soul!

Paul: I don't know if I'm ready for a world where we have this many types of black. I mean, you try to paint a wall white, and you find out that there's like forty different types of white! Is black gonna be the same?

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Kathleen: Okay, so my vision for the living room is that we'll paint the walls a nice Vantablack, that'll be rich, and uh, the trim will uh offset a little bit with like a Midnight Black. And then for some highlights in the room, we'll get an onyx sofa.

Paul: That seems kinda dark. Wouldn't it also be black?

Kathleen: No no, it's just extremely dark grey.

{BACK IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR} Now you might be thinking, "Alright alright alright. I mean, sure, this thing's black, but how black is it?" Really damn black! So, it's so black that your eye has trouble processing it, because all the contours and curves and folds in it are hidden, because there's no contrast. So if you made like a black dress out of this, according to scientists, it would be like, your head and limbs would be coming out of this dark black dress-shaped abyss.

Paul: Well, they say black is slimming, and if people can't actually see your body, then I guess that would be pretty slimming.

Ash: Oh man, Batman's gonna lose his fucking mind when he hears about this!

Kathleen: UK mayor Wayne Ronayne of Gosport is clearly trying to give Rob Ford a run for his money. He was forced to step down after only forty days on the job after being banned from all thirty-six pubs in town.

Ash: {STUNNED} ... {SLOW-CLAPS} Bravo.

Paul: Yeah, it's like, if he had been banned from five pubs, or maybe ten pubs, that would be like, "That's very bad." Thirty-six pubs in forty days? That's actually pretty impressive.

Ash: To be fair, I think that Rob Ford wins though, because even with all the stuff that he's done, they still haven't asked him to step down.

Paul: Well, they asked him to and he said no. You see, he doesn't have that thing, what do you call it? Alright, shame.

Ash: I wonder what he did on the other four days.

Paul: Maybe those four days were like travel time to get to the next pub. I mean, he would be pretty hungover by this point, so he's probably just like crawling along the ground.

Ash: Or maybe he was committing a series of high-stakes jewel heists in his Vantablack ninja suit.

Paul: I guess he could have been doing, you know, mayor stuff. But I think I'd like to go with the ninja thing.

Kathleen: I hate to burst you guys' bubble, but it actually turns out, what he did was so bad, he only had to go to one pub to get banned from all thirty-six. See, what happened was, the night of his election, him and his family and like supporters went down to a bar to celebrate, and they got a little drunk and, according to reports, a lot belligerent and his wife pulled the {SHAKES FIST} "Don't you know who I am? I'll have you shut down!" thing, before being like bodily ejected from the pub. So he got banned from all of the pubs that were owned by this company, and then it was escalated to the local bar watch thing because of their awful behavior. And so like the town council was just like, "You are barred from all bars", ironically, in this town, for the next six months, your wife for the next year. And that- then he had to resign because people were like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Paul: Oh man, he lost his job as mayor because of something his wife did? That's gonna get brought up at awkward times.

{SHOT OF ASH AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Ash: Oh honey, you drank all the milk again.

Paul: Yeah, well, maybe we can get more milk if I WAS STILL THE MAYOR!

How much do you wanna bet that the bar watch program might have a little funding short fall in the next little while?

Ash: Well, at least now he has more time to do jewel heisting in his Vantablack ninja suit.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Ash, you realize you made that part up, right? It didn't actually happen.

Ash: Well, he wouldn't ADMIT to it!

Kathleen: Canada doesn't come up that much in Feed Dump, which is usually a point of pride, but not today because a woman named Katherine Sinclair in Manitoba is preparing to go on a spiritual journey around Lake Winnipeg to prove it has a soul and should be treated as a person.

Paul: {PUZZLED} The lake?

Kathleen: The lake.

Ash: So there was a similar story not too long ago on Feed Dump that was kind of like this, except that instead of a lake, I believe it was a monkey? So I'm gonna say the same thing: If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's probably still a fucking lake!

Paul: Wait, so... how does her walking around the lake prove that... {SIGHS} Forget it.

Kathleen: {HOLDING WHITE IPHONE} As Mrs. Sinclair told CBS News, {READING FROM IPHONE} "The lake has a spirit. The lake has a spirit just as you have a spirit. It is alive. It has life. Everything has life and she," because the lake is a lady, uh, "needs to be protected. Obviously, right now she hasn't been." So obviously what's going on here is this lady believes that Lake Winnipeg needs more environmental protection, and that's a great cause. Unfortunately she's completely obscured it by covering it in a thick mountain of bullshit.

Paul: Wait, what happens if she walks all the way around the lake, but finds out that there is no soul?

Ash: Ohh, wow guys, sorry, I don't know what to say. Uh, this is actually a demon lake. So, yeah, go ahead. Dump all your crap in there, it has no soul.

{SHOT OF ASH AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Paul: Nobody is taking our conservation of Lake Winnipeg seriously! We have to come up with a new strategy.

Ash: I have an idea. I'll just prove to everybody that the lake has a soul.

Paul: ...Hmmm. Okay, uh, I said previously there are no bad ideas in brainstorming. Uh, that was actually a bad idea.

Ash: Wait wait wait. She could just get a bunch of bolts of like Vantablack cloth and throw it in the lake and everybody would be so mystified 'cos they can't see the lake anymore, that they'll believe her. {BEAT} I'm really excited about this fucking fabric, you guys!

Kathleen: Ash, enough with the Vantablack already!

Ash: {OFFSCREEN} Never!

Kathleen: I mean, I want stuff made out of that too, but, you know, I can wait. I'm not gonna telegraph my criminal plans. {WHISPERS} They're secret. Aha. Anyhow, with that, we must call this Feed Dump to a close. And remember, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this hat, {PUTS ON NORWEGIAN ARMY HELMET} which viewer Ken sent to us. This is a Norwegian army helmet from 1963, and my dome feels protected {RAPS SIDES OF HELMET WITH HER KNUCKLES} in a shell of metal and Norwegian metal, like they're lined with death metal. That's how they make their army helmets secure. He also sent us chocolate and we ate that like real fast, it was delicious. {MUGS, THUMBS-UP}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: This next story comes from us- This next story comes to us from the UK where clearly- {LOOKS AT IPHONE} Wait, what was his name again?

This next story comes from us-

This next story comes to us from the UK, where clearly Mayor- {LOOKS AT IPHONE, SIGHS}

Mayor Wayne Ronayne of {LOOKS AT IPHONE} Gosford?

Back in the UK- {LOOKS DOWN} Gosport.

Gosport mayor Wayne- {LOOKS AT IPHONE}

Back in the UK, Gospord-

Gosport- Gos- UK mayor Wayne Ronayne of Gosport is clearly trying to give Rob- pphhphph.

UK mayor Wayne Ronayne of Gosport is trying to- {WHISPERS} Fuck!