Thanks, Denmark! Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Thanks, Denmark!

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, for no reason, we are famous assassinees. Yes. I am Archduke Franz Ferdinand. First World War, kind of a thing. Joining me this week, Abraham Lincoln,

Kate: {WEARING TOP HAT} Four score and I don't know any of the rest of that.

Graham: And Jayden L9 of Mars.

Beej: {WEARING MINECRAFT DIAMOND HELMET BACK-TO-FRONT} Killed in 2293 at fifty-seven years of age, Jayden's death kind of touched off the Mars Colonial Wars. You don't know who this man is, but trust me, the results are awful.

Graham: I believe all of that!

{TITLE: DO NOT TRUST DR. BEEJ'S DISCOUNT HISTORY}

Graham: Hey guess what? I'm here. {POINTS TO CAMERA} You're here. {POINTS TO KATE AND BEEJ} You two are here. Let's play a guessing game.

{TITLE: KATE AND BEEJ HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT GRAHAM IS TALKING ABOUT}

Graham: As is the case more often than I am comfortable with, a woman from Grand Rapids, Michigan, is being sentenced to three to seven years for opening fire at the staff of a McDonald's why?

Beej: {IN SEETHING TONE OF VOICE} I lost my boy in your ball pit, and he came out covered in pee, mostly his but not entirely, {PULLS OUT PISTOL AS HE LOSES HIS TEMPER} and you're not GONNA GIVE HIM A HAPPY MEAL?!

Kate: {POINTING PISTOL AT CAMERA} Bitch, I said give me my fucking nuggets! Bitch, I want extra sweet and sour sauce! I don't want no ten-piece, I want a twenty-piece!

Beej: {HOLDING PISTOL} Didn't you used to sell pizza?

Kate: {POINTING PISTOL AT CAMERA} I was told the McRib was back.

Beej: {HOLDING PISTOL} What do you mean you haven't sold the McD.L.T. in fifteen years?

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} What's a D.L.T.?

Beej: It was like hot on one side and cold on the other. It had like special packaging so that the lettuce would stay cool and you could go home and smush it together.

{CUT TO COMMERCIAL OF THE McD.L.T}

Kate: {POINTING PISTOL AT CAMERA} I just found out that Grimace is a taste bud, and that is fucked up!

Beej: {POINTING PISTOL AT CAMERA} I am on a very restricted diet and I can only eat so much food, and you have served me too much. Now untersize this shit!

Graham: It was nothing so fantastic, I'm afraid. Simply, she went up to the drive-thru and they forgot to put bacon on her burger.

Kate: Uh, ma'am, I am sorry, but the Filet-o-Fish doesn't usually come with bacon.

Graham: Now, I may have misrepresented this woman. It wasn't just there was no bacon on her burger and she started shooting. There was no bacon on her burger, she complained, she was offered a free meal, they forgot the bacon a second time, THEN she started shooting!

Kate: Perfectly understandable, totally reasonable. We've all been there, we've all had those days and randomly shot up an employee at McDonald's.

Beej: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that in Michigan, this is enshrined in State law. Um, Graham, I don't even know why you brought this into Feed Dump in the first place.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

Graham: Not everyone visits Denmark for the natural beauty or the tourism or... whatever people go to Denmark for. Apparently people go to Denmark for other reasons in that Denmark has just passed legislation outlawing bestiality to cut down on animal sex tourism.

Beej: {SIGHS AND THROWS UP HIS HANDS} Ugh, and after I had all my honeymoon plans made!

Kate: I have to... cancel some tickets to a place I was going. Not at all Denmark. {TAKES OUT iPHONE AND STARTS TYPING}

Graham: Forgive my choice of words, but this new legislation piggybacks on a previous legislation that banned sex that harmed animals, because apparently that was difficult to prove.

Beej: This has nothing to do with people having sex with animals. This has everything to do with people having sex with animals legally, that's how this is a thing. People are still having sex with animals, don't you mistake it!

Graham: In fact, a 2011 justice ministry report surveyed veterinarians and found that {READS FROM iPHONE} "seventeen percent of them had found that an animal they had treated had had sex with a human."

{SHOT OF KATE AND BEEJ. KATE IS WEARING A SQUIRREL MASK AND BEEJ IS WEARING A CARDINAL MASK. THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER, NOD AND THEN GIVE THE CAMERA A THUMBS-UP}

{OVERLAY: THANKS, DENMARK!}

Graham: A new mobile app from China, the name of which roughly translates to DD Hit People, is basically like Uber for punchin' motherfuckas. You go on the app and say "I want to hire someone to hit this dude," and you pay them an amount between thirty and eighty bucks, and then the guy, usually an ex-gym teacher or just someone who likes punching, will show up and hit them. {STILL IMAGE FROM PUNCHR APPEARS IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CORNER} We literally did this as a sketch once.

Beej: I'm a little incensed about the copyright infringement going on here. We had that idea first! We need to find someone to defend our trademark and kick the shit out of them! {REALIZES} Oh wait a second...

Kate: This app really could have solved that McDonald's lady's bacon problem. She could've just sorted out right there.

Beej: So if this is Uber for assault... then during like big sporting events, will there be surge pricing? Um, can you like pit people at each other in a stadium or something?

Graham: Can you hire two people from the same app to fight for your amusement?

Kate: I understand this app now and I love it!

Beej: Does this mean that someone else will make an app where you can find out who paid to get you punched and you can retaliate for more money? 'Cos that'll really get the economy going!!

Graham: The best part about the hiring two dudes to fight each other plan: You only have to pay the winner.

Kate: As it was in the before times.

Beej: You know, we keep hearing all these things on how the sharing economy's supposed to be good for us and spur new jobs and get people involved in the market. But I'm not really comfortable with a new reality where I can just get randomly punched in the back of the head by a dude who needs thirty bucks for meth. I'm going back to my own timeline. {PUTS ON MINECRAFT DIAMOND HELMET BACK-TO-FRONT}

Kate: Thirty bucks for meth? That guy is seriously overpaying.

Beej: {LEANS INTO SHOT} H-How much is a meth?

Graham: Well, after this episode, I want some bacon and-

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} And a pig? You gonna fuck it out from a pig?

Graham: ...No. Uh, until next time though, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BLUE DEAL WITH IT TUQUE WITH THE BRIM ROLLED UP} this hat which came all the way from Finland from a fan whose name I will not mispronounce and instead refer to as "Double H". And if he doesn't like it, he can {ROLLS DOWN THE BRIM, REVEALING A SUNGLASSES PATTERN THAT GOES OVER HIS EYES} deal with it. {ADJUSTS THE BRIM SO IT'S COMPLETELY ROLLED DOWN} That's what the tuque does, it's a-a trick tuque. Says "deal with it" on it also, in case this was unclear. {COUGHS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF KATE, DURING THE GUESSING GAME SEGMENT}

Kate: Grimace is a taste bud?

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah.

Kate: Really?

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah, that's his origin story.

{CAMERA PANS TO BEEJ AS HE TALKS}

Beej: I thought he was a milkshake.

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} What?!

Beej: Well, there was nothing else in the McDonald line of characters that represented the milkshake, so I had to assume- he was the only one left, he was a milkshake.

{PAN TO GRAHAM}

Graham: {LAUGHING} What kind of milkshake?

{PAN BACK TO BEEJ}

Beej: Grape?

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Grape? {LAUGHS}

{PAN BACK TO GRAHAM WHO IS LAUGHING}

Graham: Okay-

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} I'M DEAD SERIOUS!

{PAN BACK TO BEEJ}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} That should be the stinger.

{CAMERA MOVES TO INCLUDE KATE AS SHE AND BEEJ START LAUGHING}