Stark Dynasty Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Stark Dynasty

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where we are bringing sexy back. Personally, I am bringing onesies back because I like making going to the bathroom an adventure. Joining me this week is bringing JNCO jeans back,

Kate: {HOLDING UP ONE LEG} I had a bitch of a time getting in these boots.

Graham: And bringing hairy back.

Beej: Who wants to see my hairy back? {STANDS UP, STARTS TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF}

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Noooo-

Graham: Cut to the titles!

{TITLE: TITLES HAPPENING NOW/ NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE (SUBTITLE: BACK THAT BACK UP)}

Graham: Denmark is upset with the European Union because, owing to their strict guidelines on what can and cannot be food, their baked treat, the {READS FROM BLACK IPHONE} "kanelsnagle" has too much of what?

Kate: Too much snagle?

Beej: Going from the Latin derivation, I'm gonna say that it has too much canis or dog.

Kate: Is it just a straight one pound block of fondant?

Beej: It's forty percent air by volume, isn't it?

Kate: If we've learned anything from Feed Dump over the years, is it reptiles?

Graham: No, in fact, the {READS FROM IPHONE} "kanelsnagle", which I'm sure I've completely botched in the pronunciation of, literally means "cinnamon twist", and according to EU regulations, they contain too much cinnamon.

Kate: That was a... bit anticlimactic.

Beej: I'm gonna have to see a ruling from the EU as to how much cinnamon is too much cinnamon because in Canada, we have like hot tamales and big red gum. I can't stand those but they let us eat those.

Graham: So what they discovered is that the Danish rolls and cinnamon twists contain more coumarin, which is a chemical found in common cinnamon, the excessive intake of which can cause liver damage, and they think that these treats are just too tasty.

Kate: See, this is also why the cinnamon challenge is banned in Europe.

Graham: A spokesman for the Danish Bakers Association said {READS FROM IPHONE} "A grown man like me can eat ten kanelsnagles every day for ten years and not get near the limit of what is dangerous to my liver. I would probably get too much sugar in my body before that would happen."

Beej: No, no. I totally trust the patisserie to give me advice on how to live my life healthily.

Kate: Please, eat more butter and sugar.

Beej: This is a life choice I can get behind actually.

Graham: Kraft Foods has said that the customers may see a temporary shortage on Velveeta products over the next few weeks, but didn't say why.

Kate: The colony of slow loris they used to test the cheese on has risen up in armed revolt.

Graham: The millenia-old amorphous cheese alien that they cut the Velveeta off from has finally returned to its home planet.

Beej: Oh, at long last, Velveeta has finally gained sentience and is running amok through the Kraft Food labs.

Graham: Hey, Kate, you watch TV?

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Sure do.

Graham: You watch Duck Dynasty?

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Not really.

Graham: Okay. Someone needs to explain to me why this is a thing, because they've just released their own line of guns.

Each gun comes with an American flag bandana.

Beej: And that flag is drizzled in thick syrupy homophobia.

Kate: {LAPTOP ON HER LAP} Sorry, what was the URL for that? I have this gun rack at home which has been collecting dust and guns are so in right now.

Graham: For added value, the guns bear the motto: "Faith. Family. Duck."

Kate: It's like those tattoos that girls get: "Live. Love. Quack."

Graham: {HOLDS UP IPHONE} I have to read you the narration from the commercial. {READS} "There are rights that no government can take from you: to live, be free and pursue happiness. And you know what makes me happy, ladies and gentlemen? To blow a mallard drake's head smooth off."

Beej: How do you reduce to a joke something that is already its own punchline?

Graham: {WEARING MWI PUMP HAT BACKWARDS, BIG BROWN BEARD AND HUNTING JACKET} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} You know I just can't maintain an erection without killing some waterfowl.

{IN NORMAL CLOTHES} The product line features nine different shotguns, two semi-automatic rifles, and a semi-automatic pistol which I don't think works for duck hunting.

Beej: You don't hunt ducks with a pistol, Graham? You obviously didn't played enough Nintendo. {HOLDS UP NINTENDO ZAPPER, PULLS TRIGGER}

Graham: A mile marker in Colorado had to be replaced because potheads kept stealing it... 'cause it was Mile 420. Now it's Mile 419.99.

Beej: You fools! Now it's ripe for all those pot-smoking mathematicians!

Kate: It's funny because if you mention 420 to Europeans, they just kind of look at you blankly and go "there's no twentieth month. Oh, you mean 24, the show with Kiefer Sutherland. We just got that."

Graham: Now I just really wanna see a rise in {IN STONER VOICE} "419.99, smoke weed almost every day!"

Beej: {IN STONER VOICE} Take the derivative of 419.99, limit is X approaching infinity.

Graham: In summation, numbers are funny. So until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat, {HOLDS UP FOLDED UP TOP HAT, MAKES IT POP OUT} which we finally have one of. {PUTS ON TOP HAT} Thank you to Kate from Whitehorse. It randomly explodes at times, so that's fun. She did warn us it was homicidal though, so that's... Actually came restrained with zip-ties. {BEAT} It may be conscious.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: Denmark is upset with the European Union because, owing to their strict guidelines about food stuffs, the Danish treat, kaninscagle- {READS FROM BLACK IPHONE} {IN DANISH ACCENT} kanenscagle. Kanel- kanels-scagle. "Kanelsnagle". I'll try again.