Serious Cravings Transcript

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Transcript for Serious Cravings


{Scene opens on some bacon being fried. Graham enters the kitchen where Morgan is cooking said bacon}

Graham: Hey dude.

Morgan: Hey.

Graham: Uh, why are you cooking bacon at {checks his watch} three in the afternoon?

Morgan: For James.

{As Graham frowns, James enters the kitchen, snapping his fingers and bobbing about restlessly}

James: Hey man, is my uh, is my bacon ready yet?

Morgan: Nope.

James: Okay, just uh, let me know. {exits}

Graham: {looking very confused} Okay, uh, rewording question; why does James want bacon at three in the afternoon?

Morgan: {gives a heavy sigh then places his hand on Graham's shoulder} Graham... didn't want to have to break it to you like this, but James... is a hampire.

Graham: {mulls the news over} ...Sorry, he refs baseball games? I don't... I don't...

Morgan: {sighs} No dickweed, not umpire, HAMpire. It's like a vampire except instead of blood, he feeds on pork products.

Graham: What?

Morgan: It's a simple concept, I don't see why you're having trouble with it.

James: BACON!

Morgan: Jesus, dude, just chill!

Graham: So... you're saying that James needs to feast on pork... or he'll die.

Morgan: Yes, goddamn it, I'm surrounded by idiots.

{At that moment, Paul enters the kitchen}

Paul: Excuse me, guys. {clicks his fingers towards the fridge} Jam sandwich time!

{Throughout the rest of the scene, we see Paul in the background preparing his jam sandwich}

Graham: So, he can't go outside during daylight? He's afraid of cloves of garlic?

Morgan: No, of course not! Just cloves. And he can go outside just fine, he just smells like sausage.

{Scene pans to outside the house. James is standing in the sunlight, sniffing the air}

Morgan: {stepping out the door} Hey James, you should probably get your ass back inside!

James: What, are you joking me? This is awesome! I smell delicious! {takes another deep sniff of himself}

{Scene pans back to kitchen}

Graham: So, does he go around seducing hot nubile young girls? 'Cause, that always seems to be one of the pluses of being a vampire.

Morgan: Not so much hot nubile young girls, as fat chicks in pink tracksuits with upturned noses.

Graham: Can't be many of those around.

Morgan: Not anymore.

Graham: Okay, Columbo, so how does one become a hampire? Was he attacked by a demonic pig, was there some horrific agricultural disaster I missed?

Morgan: {frowns} Columbo?

Graham: Well, it'd strike me that you're the sort of person who would know about this kind of thing. That, and Peter Falk is the man.

Morgan: Point taken, but no, nothing quite so dramatic. He just had some bad pork.

Graham: Doesn't that just usually give you trichinosis?

Morgan: No, not raw pork, BAD pork, as in evil pork.

Graham: Where do you get malevolent pork?

Morgan: Al's Malevolent Meats.

{Scene pans to a still image of a butcher shop, with the sign reading AL'S MALEVOLENT MEATS, with comedic evil music playing in the background. Pans back to kitchen, where in the background Paul opens the fridge to look for something}

Graham: Why would you buy that?

Morgan: It was on special.

Graham: Why was it on special?

Morgan: It was about to expire.

Graham: So it was bad.

Morgan: Well, yeah but that's not what did it. And besides, he doesn't have trichinosis any more.

Paul: {getting between them} Hey uh, you guys got any more jam?

Morgan: Oh yeah. {hands Paul a full jam jar}

Paul: Awesome! {goes back to his sandwich preparing}

Graham: Well, have you tried curing him?

Morgan: Well yeah but, obviously holy water isn't gonna work, so we had maple syrup blessed and tried that.

Graham: Wait, you... {face-palming} You tried to glaze him?

Morgan: Yeah.

Graham: And?

Morgan: Shit, man, he loved it!

Graham: Well, have you tried anything more sensible?

Morgan: Well, no. I mean, we don't want to do anything else until we're absolutely sure there's no practical use for a hmapire.

Graham: Like what? Does he turn into a flock of pigs?

Morgan: No... he turns into a bowl of pork rinds, and that's not so much useful as strange and uncomfortable.

{Scene pans to TV room, where Morgan is sitting on the sofa watching TV, a bowl of pork rinds on the table next to him. As he changes channels, he looks over to the bowl and picks up a pork rind, but as he closes his mouth over it...}

James: {echoing from within Morgan} Ha ha ha, I'm inside of you!

{Morgan slowly opens his mouth again and places the pork rind back on the table. Scene pans back to kitchen}

Graham: Well, I guess we're stuck with him then.

Morgan: Yep.

Paul: {comes between them again, holding the now empty jam jar} Uh, you guys got any more jam?

Graham: Did you just eat that whole jar?

Paul: Yeah, I had a craving for it for some reason.

Morgan: Wait a second, which jar did you use for your sandwich?

Paul: {holds up the first jar} I don't know, saw this one on the door of your fridge.

Morgan: {sighs in dismay} That was the bad jam!

Graham: And by 'bad', you mean...?

Morgan: Yep, I got it from Ted's Sinful Spreads.

{Scene pans to a still image of a shop, with a sign reading TED'S SINFUL SPREADS, with more chirpy evil music in the background. Scene pans back to kitchen}

Graham: And was it on special?

Morgan: Yeah, of course. Do I have to spell out everything for you?

Paul: So, so what does this mean?

Morgan: {places his hand on Paul's shoulder} Paul... I didn't want to have to tell you like this, but... you're a jampire.

Graham: Oh give me a break! What's next, a WHAMpire?

{At that moment, Bill comes into the room, wearing some headphones and clicking his fingers in time to the music he's listening to}

Bill: ~Wake me up before you go-go/something about a yo-yo~ {opens the fridge} Hey! I was gonna have a bacon and jam sandwich! Bastards...