Sausage Cozies Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Sausage Cozies

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're getting political. I am the Democratic National Convention. All of them. Joining me this week is the Republican National Convention,

Andy: Even Mitt Romney finds himself bland and uninteresting. This message brought to you by people who don't know that much about American politics.

Graham: And the... Green Party... convention?

Kate: It's a thing! Oh, you guys are talking about American politics. I think they have a Green Party. {QUIETLY, TO ANDY} They have a green party?

Graham: And at Kate's request, we're gonna check out Michelle Obama's arms.

{TITLE: WE'RE GOING TO CHECK OUT MICHELLE OBAMA'S ARMS/NEWS}

Graham: When you're a loving mother, and your daughter had cervical cancer, there's only option: give birth to your own grandchild.

Kate: Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. Nope. Fuckin' nope.

Graham: No, she didn't have sex with her son-in-law. She's just, they did a implanty-thing, and now she's having her own grandchild.

Kate: I got that, but it's still really weird.

Andy: That's a really complicated Mother's Day card.

Esse- essentially what the card would be would be a giant sort of Venn Diagram, with, with like, like, like, uh, uh, like the father sort of out here {MIMING WITH HIS HANDS} somewhere, a turkey baster over here, and the mother and the grandmother and the kid in the middle. And, and in brackets, "not incest."

Graham: A man in Idaho was arrested for dealing drugs after he accidentally texted a police officer offering to sell him some.

Andy: This seems bad, but it's really a lot less awkward than if he drunk booty-called his ex-girlfriends to the cops.

{SHOT OF KATE AND ANDY ON THE SOFA. KATE IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER'S CAP. ANDY IS WEARING A LIGHT BLUE JERSEY AND A BASEBALL CAP. BOTH ARE ON THEIR PHONES}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Andy: {DRUNKENLY, LOUDLY} KYLIEEE?! BABE HOW ARE YOU LOOK I know I was a bit of a dick before, but, you know, so... if I could {MUMBLES INDECIFERABLY} kinda come over and we could... could I feel you up just a little bit I'm sorry that was inappropriate and I'm so drunk and you're so hot...

{KATE IS CRACKING UP BY THIS POINT, TRYING NOT TO LAUGH}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} This is why we have smart phones. They keep all that information in there. Clearly he had a dumb phone. Or dumb brain.

Graham: A condom company, who purports that their condoms came from the town of Condom in France, which is a place, have been fined ten thousand Euros because their condoms are actually made in Malaysia.

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} So there's a place in France called Condom, and there's also a place in France called Champagne. Put those two together and what do you get? Parties.

But if all condoms aren't made in Condom, France, next you're going to be telling me that all hamburgers aren't made in Hamburg, Germany.

Andy: {IN MOSTLY FAKE FRENCH} Sacre bleu! {GIBBERISH} Le con le son fra con pra de la profilaqutique e son le co de pron de frisque ja el con le son des duve, se ne {SCREAMING} SACRE NO E DE JU NO AFREGON! AFREGON DE ME! CON LE BAQUE!

So this raises a good point, because, uh, any sparkling white wine that does not come from Champagne in France, can't technically be called champagne, it's just sparkling white wine. So the question becomes what do they call the condoms?

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} Rubber penis balloon.

Andy: Sausage cozies.

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} Meat sheath.

Andy: Profilactique!

Rubber buggy baby stoppers.

Banana gloves.

Tube steak casing. Hot dog casing is trademarked.

Graham: Not enough room on your gravestone? Well, a company in England has started putting QR-codes on headstones so that you can just walk on up with your smart phone {HOLDS UP IPHONE} give it a beep-boop! and it'll take you to a web page! Why not?! It's the future!

Andy: Sadly, the average dead person gets many more hits on their website than mine does. {WHISPERING} Andrewcownden.com

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} OK, here's my new plan: when I die, headstone. QR-code. That is gonna link to... Rick Astley on Youtube. I'm gonna Rick-roll fuckin' everybody.

Graham: My plan is to record a video of me before I die, so that someone going through the cemetery will see it, you know, BEEP BOOP on the phone, and it'll go to a webpage of me going "Oooh, I'm a ghooost!" Just, you know, for fun.

Andy: Mine will cut to a video of me going "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK YOU BASTARD!!! WHAT ARE YOU D- YOU'RE IN A GRAVEYARD AND YOU'RE USING YOUR FUCKIN' PHONE?! HAVE SOME RESPECT GODDAMNIT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} The one thing you just have to be very certain of is that you don't let that domain name lapse, because the worst thing you can do is go to your, you know, friend's gravestone or something, go to QR-code, and go to a parked page.

Andy: Wait a minute I didn't realize Uncle Ted really liked free iPads and hot singles in my area!

Graham: It's time for another edition of Lol, Canada.

{TITLE: LOL, CANADA! (Paul: OUR HOME AN- oh)}

Graham: The Royal Canadian Mint, which sounds delicious but is actually the place that makes all of our money, has imposed a fine on Halifax folk musician Dave Gunning because he's used an image of the penny on his latest album cover.

Kate: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} If he does have to go through with this fine and pay it back, he should pay it all in pennies.

Andy: Shit, Nickelback's in trouble.

Graham: For every two-thousand copies of the album he produces, he has to fill out an application, wait for approval, and pay twelve-hundred dollars.

Here's the worst part. The image of the front cover of the CD is a person sitting at lunch, trying to scrape up enough change to pay for his cup of coffee, and on the back is a sunset with the sun as a penny setting below the horizon. So it's not even on the front cover. Oh! And inside is a lithograph of an old steam train and the wheels of the train are pennies. To be honest, this sounds just like terrible graphic design, but that's not the point!

Andy: The point is infringing on the copyright of a penny is worth about what, ten thousand times the worth of a penny?

Kate: {WEARING THICK RIMMED GLASSES} Actually Andy, {PUSHES UP GLASSES} {LOOKS AT ANDY, THEN LOOKS BACK AT GRAHAM} what? {EVERYBODY STARTS LAUGHING}

{WEARING THICK RIMMED GLASSES} Actually Andy, {PUSHES UP GLASSES} it's not thousands of times. At twelve-hundred dollars for two-thousand discs, it's actually sixty cents per disc.

Andy: I... went to a performing arts college.

Kate: {WEARING THICK RIMMED GLASSES} So did I! So... {TAKES OFF GLASSES} these aren't even real. {PUTS FINGER THROUGH GLASSES, SHOWING THERE ARE NO LENSES IN THEM}

Graham: But you know what is real? How much we care about you. So until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON PLANTS VERSUS ZOMBIES WALNUT HAT} this hat! Which is really warm! So that'll be helpful in a month or two. Whew! {FANS SELF} Snug.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Andy: Nobody likes Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney doesn't even like Mitt Romney. He wanted Ron Paul to be the la- fa- faaa- FUCK! I'M SO DISTINGUISHED! {STROKES HAIR ON HIS TEMPLE} LOOK AT THE GREY IN MY HAIR! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!!! LOOK AT IT! SO PRETTY!