Remember the Safeword Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Remember the Safeword

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

{GRAHAM IS SHOWN LOOKING ASLEEP IN HIS CHAIR...UNTIL ASH TAPS HIS LEFT SHOULDER TO "WAKE HIM UP".}

Graham: {GROGGY} Uh-w-welcome to Feed Dump...where I'm a little tired...so I am a "power nap". Joining me this week is "sleep paralysis"...

Ash: {SITTING LIKE SHE'S LYING DOWN ON THE CHAIR} {PANICKY} Oh, God... no... fuck, shit, fuck... oh, God... no... no-no-no!

Graham: And "lucid dreaming".

Ian: {HOLDING UP HIS HAND} I can...move my hand... I'm gonna make out with EVERYONE!

Graham: Ohhhh, no-o-o-o...

{TITLE: POWER NAP TO POWER NOPE IN 3...2...1...}

Graham: A Portland couple had a bit of a shock when a man broke into their house with the intent of stealing some stuff and then decided part-way though that, no, what he REALLY wanted to do was strip naked and get in bed with them.

Ash: How good-looking WAS this couple that it could deter him from his original intent? Like, are we talking this guy robbed Angelina & Brad?

Ian: I've heard of "stealing a little kiss before you go to sleep" but this is ridiculous.

Graham: Funny you should mention that! Because that's why the husband woke up: because the naked guy climbed into his bed and kissed him. And then he woke up and there was a naked guy on top of him with a knife. So... THAT's exciting.

Ash: So now I'm really hoping you're gonna end this story is that this guy is one of those people that you pay for a fantasy and he comes over and ties you up but...THIS guy got the wrong house and they just laugh it off and go their separate ways and nobody gets murdered. Please...

Ian: And that's why I make sure everyone - I mean EVERYONE - knows my "safe-word": "Lufthansa".

Graham: Well, you'll be pleased to know that no one got murdered or even hurt. But the guy in the bed got a gun and chased the naked would-be burglar down the road. Uh, he was later arrested.

Ash: Oh, it's like a slasher flick that turned into a lighthearted comedy. I like it. It could be the next Adam Sandler and Kevin James vehicle.

Ian: Ash, they were on foot!

Ash: I'm fascinated that this story keeps referring to this man as a {FINGER QUOTES} "burglar". I mean, he...he gathered some valuables but, uh, part-way through, he...he kinda gave up and did something else.

Ian: He moved from a stealer of valuables to a stealer of hearts, and couldn't even get THAT right!

Graham: A 25-year-old from Indiana was shot by her dog who stepped on her 12-gauge shotgun that did not have its safety applied. The dog's name is "Trigger".

Ash: {LAUGHS AT THE NAME...AND THEN STOPS...} Wait, did she die?

Graham: Oh, no. It was bird-shot. So it probably hurt like fuck but she's fine.

Ash: OK, that's awesome.

Ian: The astute viewer may know that 12-gauge is 84-gauge in "dog gauge".

Ash: Fun fact: in "Duck Hunt", this is what happens when you miss every shot. {SFX OF "DUCK HUNT" DOG LAUGHING}

Graham: Worth noting: the victim had never taken a hunting safety course because, in Indiana, you can get up to three "apprentice hunting licenses" without being required to take a safety course.

Ian: Which is one-half of a dog license. By which I mean, actually, a license for dogs to hunt, not with hunting dogs. I mean, not WITH a hunting dog as a partner... just with a dog who hunts... you... no, not who hunts YOU... dogs that hunt... {STARTS OVER} If dogs could hunt...

Graham: Sacramento Public Transit has put new rules in place that if you are loud or sleeping, you'll be asked to leave the bus or light rail.

Ash: I believe it is what is referred to as the "Goldilocks Rule"; it cannot be TOO loud or TOO quiet but just the right level of noisy.

Ian: But the law doesn't say anything about being too loud AND sleeping, and I snore like a jet plane!

Ash: I do have a personal problem with the "falling asleep" part of that because I would much rather people fall asleep on the bus than BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR!

Ian: Have these people ever even BEEN on a bus?! Before smartphones, that was all there was to do!

Ash: Besides talking about the "loud guy" on the bus!

Ian: And when I forget my smartphone, I pretend to be asleep so I don't have to TALK to the "loud guy" on the bus!

Ash: In closing: Sacramento, you did NOT think this through!

Graham: The rule they WANTED to pass, but were not ALLOWED to, was to ban passengers who were "smelly".

Ash: "Smelly" to who?! Like, and in what WAY? Are we talking, like, "filthy smelly" or "too much Axe Body Spray"? 'Cause THOSE guys can get FUCKED!

Ian: Ah, yes. "Smelly". Rich person for {FINGER QUOTES} "homeless".

Ash: Funny story: that's probably why they weren't allowed to use that rule. Because everybody knows what you mean when you say, "We don't want {FINGER QUOTES} 'tired', 'smelly' people taking public transportation.

Ian: W-w-wait. Smelly AND tired? Oh, you mean "grad students"!

Ash: Meanwhile, the "fat cats" are driving around in their fancy cars with their pleasant odors and appropriate vocal volume.

Ian: I find it ironic that the same week that Tesla releases their self-driving car update, Sacramento Transit makes it illegal for anyone else to fall asleep in their vehicles.

Ash: "Sacramento Transit: If You Want To Fall Asleep, Buy A Tesla"!

Ian: Wait...so Sacramento Public Transit is in bed with Tesla?! This is some sort of huge government conspiracy to marry sleepless drivers with electric vehicles, and put the buses out of business! My God!

Ash: {FRUSTRATED} Augh, shut the fuck up, "Mulder"!

Ian: {MOUTH STUFFED WITH A SUGAR WAFER} The truth is out there!

Graham: Well, I think that story's out of gas...

Ash: {OFF-SCREEN} BOOOO!

Graham: So, until next time, there may be better sources for news but they don't have...{PUTS ON TALL WIZARD-LIKE HAT WITH A BEER STEIN ON THE SIDE} THIS hat, which is like some sort of "beer wizard" hat, but, also, it does THIS, which now we ALL have to sit through! {TOUCHES A RED BUTTON ON THE HAT, WHICH PROCEEDS TO 'YODEL' AS THE TIP SWAYS BACK AND FORTH. GRAHAM TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND RUBS THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE, AS IT STARTS DOING THE YODELING AGAIN:} Why wouldn't it happen TWICE?! Why wouldn't it happen twice?! You know what, I love that so much, I want to hear it again without prompting! PERFECT! {HAT STOPS YODELING} Goodbye.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT TO ASH STRETCHING HER NECK, THEN PAN TO IAN WITH A SUGAR WAFER IN HIS MOUTH TRYING TO TALK}

Ian: I was talking to you.

{ASH "WAA-WAA"S THE "X-FILES" THEME}