Qwerpline Ep35 - Sensory Overload Hype Van Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep35 - Sensory Overload Hype Van

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is bought to you by...

{Graphic: Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can}

Announcer: Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can. It's 837mL of pure energy in our new, auto-shotgunning Slam Can. Open your mouth, crack the valve, and relax your throat. Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can: be sure to visit our hype van.

{Graphic and Music: Qwerpline}

Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to Qwerpline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How are you doing Alex?

A-Train: Firm and slender.

G-Money: Descriptive, thank you for that mental picture.

A-Train: Just calling it like I see it.

G-Money: And now we all see it in the theatre of the mind. But, in spite of that, I hope everyone out there is having a great day in scenic Nsburf.

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-Train: I beg your pardon?

G-Money: I'm fairly confident this is just a simple typo that crept through somehow.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: And you read it?

G-Money: I-It's what I have in front to me. Let me just ... Yeah, it's f is right beside it on the keyboard. They still added the trademark. There isn't ... they just gave up and didn't even give it a slogan this time.

A-Train: "Welcome to our town, notice there's no G in it"?

G-Money: I'm right here.

A-Train: I-Mmmmmmm...

G-Money: And it's time for the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-Money: Formosa Palace is sponsoring the Millennial Nsburg Thousand Year Egg Drop. And children from all over Thurpston County are competing to see who can win their class a free Formosa Palace pizza party by building the most durable and nutritious kanji catcher

A-Train: This-er-sound mostly like free advertising for-er-Formosa Palace.

G-Money: Welcome to community radio Alex.

A-Train: You don't gotta say it just coz it's true.

G-Money: And in other news: after many delays, and assurances from both mayors of Chuffield that the short count of drums was the result of a rounding error, the road are finally clear of the nuclear waste convoy. Just in time for the vintage tractor parade. So don't bank on speedy travel down the return of 3rd Avenue.

A-Train: I didn't realise those old tractors were that slow.

G-Money: Oh, no. They can haul ass, they're just governed to 10 miles an hour so they don't fly apart.

A-Train: Oo, that doesn't sound safe.

G-Money: No, it wouldn't be safe to get shrapnelled with 300 pounds of sand-casted iron. That's why they're governed to 10 miles an hour.

A-Train: You sound ... unusually mad about this.

G-Money: That's my route to work.

A-Train: Audible breath in

G-Money: But if you are a fan of vintage tractors, you might also be interested in vintage aviation.

{Graphic: Nsberg Vintage Aviation Show}

G-Money: Which is why we've sent, at his vehement request, Montgomery Kone over to the Chumble Floodplain for the Nsburg Vintage Aviation Show.

Montgomery Kone: Hi Graham and Alex.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Montgomery Kone - QWRP Sports Reporter}

G-Money and A-Train: AH! Woah, woah.

G-Money: Er, hi. You're supposed to-I thought you were on location.

Montgomery: Yeah, but they don't open at this time of the morning, you know. So I thought I'd get out there yesterday while they're all setting up, and that way I could get a recording to you, and get it down here first thing in the morning and you could listen to it, and you could get excited and everyone else could get excited, and we could all go down there together and really enjoy all that old flight stuff.

A-Train: I'm excited that you're excited.

Montgomery: Alright one down, the rest of the population to go. Listen up Nsburg, I got a recording here, already passed it to Gus. Gus you hit it.

{Sound effect: Honk honk}

G-Money: Ok, thank you Montgomery. We go now-

Montgomery {recording}: {Cutting off G-Money} Hey-

G-Money: {Cutting off recording} Wait! Gus, let me do this. We go now to a report, filed just now, by Montgomery Kone.

{Graphic: On Tape From A Location}

{Caption: AT THE VINTAGE AVIATION SHOW: Montgomery Kone - QWRP Sports Reporter}

Montgomery {recording}: Hey there sports fans, it's Montgomery Kone coming at you from the Chumble Floodplains. And I'm out here in the twilight of the evening looking at all these beautiful failures of aviation. That's right, the Nsburg Vintage Aviation Show is all about the steps we took to get into the sky. As I look out here on this great plain full of great planes, I think that if Leonardo Da Vinci were alive today, he'd be 495 years old, or dead. What you may not know listeners is that Nsburg was home to many spectacular aviation failures, but those failures were the stepping stones that eventually lead to the wondrous flights that you and many others have enjoyed in this world today. It's easy to overlook the contributions of such luminaries as Korky Flumpus, who was the first man to stop gluing feathers to leathers in order to achieve flight. His other ideas didn't work out so well, but hey, he made a contribution. There's also Silvester and Woodrow Wank, who devised and adapted the Wankle propeller mechanism that went on top of them bouncy helicopters that never seemed to work right. And Claire Toopleman who invented and flew the Whirly-bird, which crashed and killed 16 people; which, for a short time, made it the most successful combat aircraft to date.

{Sound effect: click}

G-Money: Montgomery, is this report just you recounting Nsburg's numerous air disasters?

Montgomery: Well, not all of it. ER, if you skip ahead about 10 minutes there's a segment of me riding one of these things.

A-Train: Did you die?

Montgomery: Well let's find out! Gus?!

{Sound effect: honk}

{Sound effect: engine noise}

Montgomery {recording}: {Garbled} OH JESUS! OH! OH GOD! OH JESUS! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!

{Graphic: In The Studio}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Montgomery Kone - QWRP Sports Reporter}

G-Money: Wow.

Montgomery: Majestic, ain't it?

A-Train: Are you ... ok?

Montgomery: Ok? Man, we almost got off the ground that time.

A-Train: Almost?

Montgomery: Alex, those were all aviation failures. If I knew we were in any danger of getting off the ground, I might have had to make good use of my pilots licence.

A-Train: You can fly? You can fly? Can you fly a helicopter?

Montgomery: Don't certainly see why not. It's just a couple of wings bolted to the side of a fuselage.

G-Money: Montgomery that's a plane.

A-Train: Good enough. I have a job offer for you.

Montgomery: 'At sounds like a great idea Alex. I have had a pretty good time being a professional sideball player, but I think at some point I'm going to hang up my cleats.

G-Money: You're not a professional sideball player, you got called up for one game.

Montgomery: For two games! And one of them I didn't get thrown out of.

G-Money: Montgomery is there anything else in the report that we should inflict upon our listeners?

Montgomery: I rode 3 more including the infamous Dustin's Folly. That one made me chuck my lunch.

A-Train: And you cut it into your report?

Montgomery: 'Course I did Alex, I take my job very seriously. Hashtag content.

G-Money: Hashtag end-of-segment. Thank you Montgomery.

Montgomery: See you out there for sideball season.

A-Train: We won't, but call me. Seriously.

{Graphic: Nsberg Vintage Aviation Show}

G-Money: The Vintage Air Show will be out in Chumble Floodplain all week; so if you want to hear more about failures of aviation you're in luck, because it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

Richter Hammockslam: Fantastic timing Graham. The preparations are complete and I am ready to begin.

A-Train: Giving us the traffic, right?

Richter: Oh lord no Alex, something much more important than that.

A-Train: I don't know why I cling to hope at this point.

G-Money: But your job ...

Richter: Today is marshal of the Millennial Egg Drop. And the children are in place, and the eggs are ready in their baskets and all I'm waiting for is that final word to hit the button.

G-Money: Sorry, what?

Richter: I've got 1000 eggs currently dangling underneath the Traffic Qwopter with the names of all Nsburg's children on them, ready to drop. Well not literally their names, they're just marked as certified organic. But I wanted to establish some {???}.

G-Money: Richter, no. It's-It's-They're dropping thousand year eggs, not one thousand eggs.

Richter: That ... doesn't sound right Graham. You'd think the eggs would have hatched after a thousand years. Anyway, I can't hear you over the sound of these eggs dropping.

A-Train: He responded to you! He can clearly hear us! He is doing this on purpose.

Richter: No Alex, this is just the kind of comradery that happens after a lifetime of working together.

A-Train: You've worked here for 4 years and every day have been an indescribable pain.

Richter: As indescribable as this majestic sight of one thousand white orbs lazily plummeting towards the ground. I can barely describe how beautiful this scene is. It's almost impossible to put into words.

A-Train: How about "brainless idiot"?

G-Money: Or "safety hazard"?

Richter: Oh, not to worry at all Graham. Because of the vagaries of gravity, all the eggs are currently moving away from me and I remain safe above the ground. Back to you.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: It only takes one bad egg-

A-Train: DON'T!

G-Money: Er, well, a public service announcement: Anyone how can hear the Traffic Qwopter, you've got about 4 seconds to put your skillets out the window and get a free breakfast.

A-Train: We are on a 7 second delay.

G-Money: Ah f-

{Sound effect: quack}

A-Train: And that's why.

G-Money: You seem awfully calm.

A-Train: I don't know, I-I think I might just feel kind of liberated knowing that it was all intentional this whole time.

G-Money: Oh ok.

A-Train: Yeah, I think something broke in my head.

G-Money: Well if you, listener at home, are, like Alex, feeling perhaps a little too calm, maybe you might want to check out the...

{Graphic: Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van}

G-Money: ...Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van, where we've sent summer intern Derek. Hello Derek.

{Graphic: Live On Location}

Derek: Hi Graham, Hi Alex. I'm joining you from the Nsburg Vintage Aviation show.

{Graphic: Nsberg Vintage Aviation Show}

G-Money: I thought they weren't open 'til later.

Derek: Oh. No Graham, that's where they parked the Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van.

{Graphic: Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van}

A-Train: Wow, what a mouthful.

Derek: Alex, you've tried the auto-shotgunning Slam Can too.

A-Train: Yeah, it wasn't so good. It came out my nose and one of my tear ducts.

Derek: Me too! They say "that's the carbonation working".

A-Train: I had spots in my vision for a week after.

{Graphic: Live On Location}

Derek: Oh, you got off easy then, I can't taste the left side of my face. Which I'm hoping to correct by going inside the Sensory Overload Hype Van. With me here representing Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van is Stacey.

{Caption: AT THE HYPE VAN: Stacey - Hype Van Representative}

Stacey: Hi, I'm Stacey. I'm Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van street team. I got my job because I could say that.

Derek: I got my job because I could say things too.

Stacey: So our new Sensory Overload Van is super radical awesome. Like, I'm sure you've heard of sensory deprivation tanks, right?

Derek: No.

Stacey: Well it's just like that but not.

Derek: Oh it's a good think I don't know what that is then.

Stacey: Ok, so what we're going to do is blindfold you and put you in the van. And once you're inside the van all you gotta do is take off all your clothes and climb into the patented Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Saline Vat. It's filled with 2000 gallons of superheated saline to really stimulate all your nerves in your skin.

Derek: I have nerves in my skin?!

Stacey: You have nerves everywhere and you're gonna be aware of all of them once you've settled yourself into the saline tank. Then the laser light show can begin.

Derek: Is that like the Pink Floyd shows they have down at the planetarium?

Stacey: Yeah, maybe if you've seen shows for wimps and children and babies. This show will drill your eyelids into your eyeballs and blind you but then un-blind you because it's so radical.

Derek: I'm starting to have second thoughts about doing this.

Stacey: But wait, there's more. But then we start the specially engineered sensory overload soundscape. It's the sound of giraffes having sex combined with a drum-full of typewriters being pushed down the stairs of the Washington Monument.

Derek: Why would you do that to me?

Stacey: Because it's extreme. And we haven't even talked about your most extreme sense, which is your sense of smell. Or what will be left of it after you climb inside Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van.

Derek: Feeling afraid now.

Stacey: Well how do you feel about experiencing out special, proprietary scent blend of vaporised pepperoni and deer urine?

Derek: Bad.

Stacey: And then we release the raccoons.

Derek: Into the wild?

Stacey: No, into the tank.

Derek: What sense is the raccoon for?

Stacey: Every one of them at once.

Derek: I don't wanna go any further, but what do we do about the sense of taste?

Stacey: Well that's why we give you a Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can, which you consume at the signal.

Derek: What's the signal?

Stacey: And then once you're actively involved in slamming the Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can, that's when we start the earthquake simulation. The only way to get truly extreme is to experience a 9.6 earthquake on the Richter scale, while a horrible molage of aerosolised pepperoni, deer urine, angry raccoons, and hot saline is threatening to tear you apart in a terrible psychic torture chamber.

Derek: Did you get in the vat?

Stacey: TWICE!

Derek: Guys, don't make me do this, I wanna go Lorna's Oasis.

A-Train: Sorry Derek, I can't hear you over all the eggs.

Derek: What?!

Stacey: So listeners, if you wanna check out what it's like to be a living supernova of pain, don't worry because the Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can Sensory Overload Hype Van is part of a caravan. We've got 3 units here so there's minimal wait.

Derek: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Soooooooooo... maybe give that a miss.

A-Train: They're the sponsor this week.

G-Money: Well...

Edith Slump: I'm heading down there right now. Look to the east for my report, when I am reborn anew.

A-Train: Yeah alright.

G-Money: Well that takes us up to the break. Quick news item, there is now lots of protein on St. Glurt Avenue, and traction is impossible between Crescent Crescent and Nineteenth Parkway. Several Raccoons and one Golden Retriever are already being treated for what they suspect is high cholesterol at Nsburg Veterinarian Hospital.

A-Train: Well on the bright side, it's pretty hot out today; so if you want to get yourself a free dirty omelette, thrown on your winter chains and drive on down.

G-Money: And next week, after the Air show, come back to Chumble Floodplain for Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn presents the Thurpston Talc Castle Championships sponsored by Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn. Come and marvel at some of the driest examples of scale architecture north of the Mississippi.

A-Train: That sounds like it will suck.

G-Money: The moisture right out of the air. Anyone with an allergy to desiccants will want to stay upwind. Bring some kids.

A-Train: Some?

G-Money: Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can}

Announcer: Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can. It's 837mL of pure energy in our new, auto-shotgunning Slam Can. Open your mouth, crack the valve, and relax your throat. It's Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can: not edible in the Isle of Mann.