Qwerpline Ep34 - Waste Convoy Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep34 - Waste Convoy

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: Bill's Dills and Chill Pills}

Announcer: ...Bill's Dills and Chill Pills. Bill's opening a new picklery and microbrewery in downtown Nsburg. Bill's Dills and Chill Pills: Bill's got skills with barley mills.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg! It's Big G-Money here with A-Train, how's it going Alex?

A-Train: Adjusting to this new diet. I don't know if it's ketosis or autophagy.

G-Money: Well, what are you not eating?

A-Train: Eating.

G-Money: I'm no nutritionist, but I believe that you still eat some things on either of those diets.

A-Train: Well, what I do know is I look great and I want to die.

G-Money: Terrific. I hope everyone out there is having a better time here in beautiful Nsburg: Everybody loves it asterisk.

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-Train: Wait, does it say asterisk?

G-Money: No. But there is one and I felt it would have been disingenuous not to mention it.

A-Train: Huh.

G-Money: The footnote says sample size reduced after removing statistical outliers such as people from Julesburg.

A-Train: Oh, oh. They are outliers, or at least liars.

G-Money: I agree. And now the news.

{Music and Graphic: News}

G-Money: The fire department will be testing Nsburg's smoke detector this afternoon at 2 p.m. So if you're a smoker, why not huff some cancer sticks around that time and see if the whole thing still works. Reminder that we had to upgrade to a mechanical system after Ethan the fire marshal blew out his sense of smell at the chili cook-off last year.

A-Train: That was good chili though. At least I think it was, I couldn't taste much after the first bowl.

G-Money: I think the secret ingredient was borax.

A-Train: Oh is that why my toilet was foaming?

G-Money: And in other news, it's time once again for the...

{Graphic: NWF Backyard Wrestling Tournament of Heck}

G-Money: ...NWF Backyard Wrestling Tournament of Heck. And this year Frampton Downs lost the bid and has been chosen as the neighborhood venue. So anyone whose property backs on to Adolfo Laneway is invited to watch from the safety of their decks as the tournament trundles through. Any gardening implements or deck furniture left in the backyards will be considered fair game for the No-DQ match for the NWF Hardcore title, so if you've been trying to get rid of any old shovels or sprinkler heads, now's your chance. Make sure to tie a name tag to anything you wish to retrieve later.

A-Train: Oh is that why we couldn't get any florescent tubes to replace the one in the bathroom.

G-Money: Yeah. Same reason you can't buy a thumbtack between here and Lesser Miami to save your life.

A-Train: Yeeouch.

G-Money: In any case the NWF suggests that you stay at least 5 meters back to remain clear of "the smash zone" and bring the kids.

A-Train: Least any of the ones that aren't already in the Under-12 Battle Royale.

G-Money: But seriously watch out for the mercury from those light tubes. Speaking of airborne contaminants, we go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP traffic Qwopter. How are things looking Richter?

{Graphic: Traffic}

Richter Hammockslam: Graham, we have been up and running for about 3 hours now and traffic is flowing smooth like butter.

G-Money: I immediately have two questions. One: where is the traffic running smooth like butter? And two: who is we?

Richter: Everywhere, Graham. And everyone on Nsburg, too.

G-Money: So to reiterate your statement everyone in Nsburg is up and moving and everywhere has great traffic.

Richter: Turns out adding a simple bypass between Highway 3 and Cresent crescent makes everything open up forever.

A-Train: My commute, and the view out the window, disagree with you.

G-Money: Richter, people have wanted that bypassed for a while, and I agree that it would improve traffic, but that doesn't exist.

Richter: Not in your Nsburg, Graham. But as I said earlier, I was not referring to everyone in Nsburg as well. I was referring to Nsburg 2, the mass simulation that I am currently running on Nsburg's Supercomputers.

A-Train: Everything makes sense I'm so angry.

G-Money: Since when does Nsburg have super computers?

A-Train: And why does Richter have access to them?

Richter: Ever since the collapse of Sportcoin, Darren von Spront has had too many PS3s in his home and was having a fire sale. SO I picked up a couple and made my own Beowolf Cluster. Now I can simulate Nsburg traffic down to the individual vehicle.

G-Money: So you're not talking remotely about the real world.

Richter: Oh, absolutely not Graham. I don't have that kind of power yet. However I can say that traffic is not only smoother, but safer as well. Over the course of the next 5 years, there will be only be 2 traffic related fatalities: A Korbon Wobbick and Michael O-Leary.

Michael O'Leary: Oh no.

Richter: Don't worry. The other Michael O'Leary.

Michael: Oh good, then I will get my driver's license.

A-Train: He's not an oracle casting electronic bones.

Edith Slump: Actually Alex, I think if you refer to the historical Greek Oracles, Richter's vague and unhelpful prognostications really do actually make him seem pretty Oracle.

Richter: And ever since I swapped the Qwopter over to diesel, I'm also found clouded in smoke.

Edith: His powers grow by the day.

Michael: Tell us more, great Nostradamus of the skies.

A-Train: Death to the false prophet.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Thank You Richter. If anyone at home is curious about what's actually going on traffic wise in Nsburg, things are really backed up out there because it turns out you have to transport nuclear waste at very low speeds.

A-Train: And extremely inconvenient times of day, evidently.

G-Money: As everyone is no doubt aware by now, the convoy from Chuffield reactor rolled into town at about 4:00 a.m. this morning and are expected to clear city limits around 8:00 p.m. tonight.

A-Train: Well, safety first. Though I would advise motorists to budget an additional three hours of transit time.

G-Money: To be fair Alex, not everyone has to go out of their way to get particularly special coffee which, actually, you're drinking on an empty stomach?

A-Train: Yep. my stomach is being replaced by a lava pool of agony, but man am I focused. MEWWWWWWW!

G-Money: Citizens of Nsburg are obviously upset not just by the bad traffic but the convoy of nuclear waste crawling through town. So we have on the phone the mayor of Chuffield, Mr. Ditko Guttenberg, who is here to assure us that Chuffield is not trying to kill us with their horrible industrial filth, isn't that right Ditko?

{Graphic: LET'S GO TO THE PHONES}

Night Mayor Ditko Guttenberg: Could we pick up the pace on this a bit?

A-Train: The city would love that.

Ditko: I mean on this interview. I really need to go to bed.

G-Money: It's 7:45 a.m.

Ditko: I'm Chuffield's night mayor. We have to do split shift because of a union thing.

A-Train: You got some c-c-coffee? I know a good place.

G-Money: Yeah, actually. It's a great local roastery just down the street, only 45 minutes by car right now.

A-Train: I could run it.

Ditko: Look, I just want to assure people that nuclear waste is nothing more than nuclear fuel that's been used just a little bit. Citizens of Nsburg are in no danger whatsoever once we get this stuff through the city, off the Chumble Flood Plain and enscounced within bedrock.

G-Money: And in the interim?

Ditko: You could hardly do better than dealing the way about citizens your town to stay out of the way of our trucks and armed guards.

G-Money: Why are the trucks and guards even coming through town in the first place? Doesn't this convoy usually take another route?

Ditko: Well, as so many things, that was decided at the Tri-annual gathering of the mayors.

A-Train: The dressage competition?

Ditko: No, the political junket. Look, Nsburg was the last to call not it, and that means this year you get the nuclear parade.

A-Train: We still don't have a mayor.

Ditko: Yeah, you were noticeably silent of the gathering but, not our problem.

A-Train: Well, you say there's no public health risk but, just for people's peace of mind, is there any way we can safely expedite this process?

Ditko: Well, actually, yeah. For the next time this comes around you might want to add a bypass between the crescent and your highway. Really speed things up.

A-Train: Oh there's some seismic activity on my southern hemisphere.

Ditko: Oh no. I thought Nsburg was seismically stable. Gonna have to call the boys and tell them to shut down the convoy after they're done their breakfast break.

A-Train: What? No No No No No. I-I'm just talking about my very ulcerated stomach.

Ditko: Er, I don't know. It's better to be safe anyway. Gonna have to commission some studies.

G-Money: Before you go, is there any way that we can have not made this worse?

Ditko: Well you might have wanted to start widen your roads because those trucks aren't gonna go anywhere until we can make sure this is perfectly safe. Regardless you're gonna want to take this up with the day mayor, my shift is over. I need to get going on.

{Sound: Engaged phone}

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Did he just hang up on us?I-I don't think I like that guy.

A-Train: Yeah, uh, I don't think anybody does. I've seen his opinion polls and he is without a doubt Sheffield's worst night mayor.

G-Money: Well, why do they keep voting him back in? It's his third term. He's a recurring night mayor.

A-Train: Well, I didn't vote for him.

G-Money: Of course not, you don't live in Chuffield.

Both: We should get a mayor.

A-Train: Jinx! You owe me a coke, which I'm not gonna drink.

G-Money: Sounds like a plan. While I go get that from the vending machine, we go now to Derek who is live on location at something Gus referred to as "a very good story that we needed to cover" and I don't believe him, but we're here now. Hello Derek.

{Graphic: LIVE ON LOCATION}

Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex. Boy. did you guys see those trucks going through town today? They were going so slow.

G-Money: Yes, yes we did.

Derek: When do you think they're gonna leave?

G-Money: Soon I hope.

Derek: I was able to walk alongside them for like four blocks. They're so warm.

G-Money: You feeling okay?

Derek: Um, I'm feeling a little nauseous, but it could just be heatstroke. But that dovetails nicely into what I'm here doing today I'm here at the Sliswistile-I'm here at the Sliswistile-

A-Train: Oh son of a bitch.

Derek: I'm here at Lorna's Healing Oasis...

{Graphic: Lorna's Healing Oasis}

Derek: which is kind of a weird name because I don't see any camels or palm trees, um, but I did see a raccoon throwing up some bones into a puddle.

G-Money: Lorna's what now? Actually, fine, whatever go for it.

A-Train: Oh, I'm gonna need some milk of magnesia. Or maybe just some chalk.

{Graphic: LIVE ON LOCATION}

{Caption: AT THE OASIS: Lorna Schlitzwhistle - Local Oasis Owner}

Lorna Schlitzwhistle: Alan, what I think you need is in fact to cleanse your energy. I can hear just from Dereks cell phone you are projecting orange rays of unhappiness.

A-Train: I'm gonna be projecting orange rays of something in a minute.

Derek: So Miss S-so Miss Slis-so Miss Slis. Can I call you Lorna?

Lorna: You may call me Mother Medicine.

{Caption change: AT THE OASIS: Mother Medicine - Local Oasis Owner}

Derek: Whatever you say Doctor Mommy. You are doing healing here in your backyard. What does that entail?

Lorna: Not just healing Derek. I am realigning the chakras and correcting the energies of the downtrodden, the anxiety-ridden, and the toxin filled.

Derek: I had to have a realignment done on my Corvair once.

Lorna: Derek I see that your energy is blue, which actually indicates confidence, strength, and a pleasant winter-green scent.

Derek: That's my deodorant, it's called Frost walrus. I got it from Mr. Hinkley.

Lorna: But unfortunately I don't think all of the vulnerable listeners out there in Nsburg have Derek's natural big tusk energy. And so if the stresses of modern life and slow-moving atomic convoys are getting you down, come to my healing oasis. I've built a Coleman sun tent for the rays of Mother Gaia to cleanse all 19 of your chakras. And then we will do a traditional medicine ceremony.

Derek: Oh, cool! You put a tent in your backyard so you can go camping. My dad would let me do that when he was feeling thirsty and he wanted me to leave the house for six hours.

Lorna: Derek, step inside the tent and feel the calming rays of energy wash over you. And now sit down on this wonderful lapis laluzi heating pad, which will correct your energy gently. Then, as you close your eyes and inhale the scent of sage and myrrh and raccoon dander, you can feel the gung-ho fa-twa just wash over you, carrying all sadness and negative feelings away.

Derek: My butt's sore. This cushion is really uncomfortable.

Lorna: That's just the feeling of all the toxins and negative energies being drawn out of your lower chakras. And also that you are sitting on a solid chunk of lapis laluzi.

Derek: Okay, well, um, now what?

Lorna: Now we light the sacred candles imbued with the beeswax of no less than 98 happy, well-fed bees and the essential oils of honeysuckle and raccoon pellets and then we burn this blessed sage bundle and you can feel the healing smoke enter your lungs.

Derek: Doctor Mommy, this smells less like Thanksgiving and more like false Dmitry safety meeting.

Lorna: Oh, woops, my apologies Derek. I am burning the wrong sacred bundle, so maybe don't inhale so much. Or do because we're technically outside of city limits.

{Caption change: AT THE OASIS: Mother Medicine - Nearby Oasis Owner}

Derek: I'm willing to trust a medical professionals advice.

A-Train: She's not a doctor.

{Caption change: AT THE OASIS: Mother Medicine - Not a Doctor}

Lorna: And we simply close the flap of the tent and wrap ourselves in the sacred furs, all of course artificial because no animals were harmed in the making of this Coleman healing sun tent. And then we do traditional chants to release bad energy through sweat.

Derek: Oh, I am feeling comfortably numb.

Lorna: You know the chant? Yoin me in the singing of the sacred song. Hello. Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there-

G-Money: As a talk radio show, that is all we are allowed to broadcast of that chant.

A-Train: It's more than we'd want to broadcast of that chant.

Derek: Wow guys you got to come try this is kind of amazing.

Lorna: There is no pain. You are receding. A distant ships smoke on the horizon-

G-Money: Derek, I don't know how much more we're gonna get out of this so maybe you want to wrap up?

Derek: I'm actually starting to feel kind of hot, you mind if I disrobe?

G-Money: The segment.

Derek: Okay. Um, well gentle viewers, Lorna's Healing Oasis is full of a bunch of rocks that you sit on. It gets really warm but kind of relaxing and, er, oh man, it looks like I really tanned quickly today. That's unusual.

A-Train: Uh, Derek, you should probably take some iodine. I'm worried about your thyroid.

Derek: Wow Alex! How did you know? My doctor's been saying that to me for years. But man, I could really go for some chips.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Gus, why did you send Derek to get hot-boxed on radio?

A-Train: And irradiated?

G-Money: To be fair, he didn't have to take that route.

A-Train: Like a moth to the atomic flame.

G-Money: Well, that takes us up to the break and I'm gonna use that break to find Derek something relaxing and colorful to watch. When we come back, more news items. Nsburg has finally, formally abolished prohibition.

A-Train: Yeah, that was awkward.

G-Money: For our listeners who might have noticed that Nsburg is, demonstrably, not a dry town: everyone has certainly observed the abolishment but the law was never actually filed. The papers were all signed and jubilant town clerks took them down to the Town Hall to celebrate and they were enshrined in a place of honor where they've lived in their frame on the wall between the pelt of Hepto The Seven Legged Raccoon and that photo of Michael O'Leary butt naked in the rum tunnels.

Michael: Oh! Is that where that photo ended up after the exhibition?

G-Money: Yes. The-the-the papers have now been removed, properly filed, and replaced with an electrostatic copy. The Town Hall is celebrating with half-price Nsberry Chokes.

A-Train: Nsberry Chokes are always half-price on Thursdays.

G-Money: Well usually only between noon and 4.

A-Train: Ah. Well I might go down there get some bismuth shooters anyway.

G-Money: Smart. Stick around folks, more Qwerpline right after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: Bill's Dills and Chill Pills}

Announcer: ...Bill's Dill's and Chill Pills. Bill's opening another picklery and microbrewery somewhere in Nsburg. Bill's Dill's and Chill Pills: Run for the hills and soothe all your ills.