Qwerpline Ep30 - Birthday Season Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep30 - Birthday Season

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: Down-low Gaucho Clown Show}

Announcer: The Down-low Gaucho Clown Show. Sneak out to the man-made salt flats this weekend and catch these Argentinian Cowboys putting on a secret circus. The Down-low Gaucho Clown Show: get waist-deep in the brown foam.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

Big G-Money: Good morning nsberg, Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-Train: Waxed and polished.

G-Money: Terrif-wait. You? The car?

A-Train: Sure.

G-Money: Great. Good. That reminds me though, we should make sure that Derek got the van detailed.

A-Train: You mean touching up the airbrushing on the Wizards?

G-Money: Well I was thinking more the inside of the car but, I mean sure, while they're at it.

A-Train: Oh, so the ceiling fresco.

G-Money: That frescoes always confused me because I like Michelangelo, but I don't know why they decided to add the other three Turtles. All that aside hoping that you're having a wonderful day out there in scenic nsberg: OC don't steal.

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-Train: Orange County got real mad about that one.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Well, no copyright intended. And now: the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-Money: One sniff the air will tell you that it's raccoon dander season, and that means it's time once again for Thurpston County allergy week. As always the Ladies Auxilary are holding a fundraising bake sale down at the town hall and this year they've assured us that the treats are totally nut free; as long as almonds, hazelnuts, and peanuts don't count as nuts.

A-Train: Well technically peanuts aren't actual-

G-Money: And you can also head down to the Civic Center to check out the Ramon's Talc Barn "History of Rhinitis" exhibit featuring 16 different varietals of household dust you can smell, the HTC Vive interactive ragweed experience, and meet...

{Graphic: Auntie-Jenn}

...Auntie-Jenn, the friendly inflamed nasal hollow. Bring the kids.

{Graphic: News}

A-Train: Do we have to?

G-Money: Well if you don't want to, the nsberg Children's Theater Society is holding open auditions for their upcoming musical adaptation of Moose Murders. Roles are open to any and all interested children between the ages of 8 and 12 who don't have a fear of bandages, mummies, wood paneling, or infamous theatrical productions.

A-Train: Oh, I really want to see what Bonita Tunk does with the role of Hedda Holloway.

G-Money: Oh, yeah. She was really good as the titular Spider-man in the NCTS production of "Spider-man: Turn off the dark".

A-Train: It's amazing wire work considering the venue doesn't have a fly gallery.

G-Money: Hey, speaking of things that shouldn't fly, it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter for ensberg traffic update. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

Richter Hammockslam: Inwardly contemplative, Graham.

G-Money: That sounds relaxing.

A-Train: For him, maybe.

Richter: Well normally one would think so Alex, but I have a bit of an odd dream last night, and I was wondering if the two of you could help me unpack it?

G-Money: Now?

Richter: I mean, you called me, so I guess it's time for me to talk about what I want to talk about for once.

G-Money: We call you every half hour on the tens.

A-Train: Despite our brains screaming to not.

Richter: So I was in my backyard, climbing into my helicopter, about to take to the skies, when suddenly the two of you appeared inside my pool.

G-Money: Wait, I've been to your place and, while you have parked the Qwopter there on occasion, you don't have a pool.

Richter: Dream logic, Graham. The pool clearly means something for my subconscious. But that's not the part I'm having issues with.

A-Train: I'm betting our listeners are having a lot of trouble. With the traffic. If only someone would help.

Richter: So there's this man in the front seat of the Qwopter who looked a lot like Michael O'Leary, but he had no face. And I say "I need to get this guy back before midnight, because that's then Richter and he's been kidnapped in the morning. And I'm not union for the morning spot."

G-Money: What?

Richter: That's what I wrote in my dream journal. I'm an stupified as I guess you are right now.

A-Train: I don't know if "stupified" is the correct word.

Richter: Maybe this is my brain telling me I need to take a different career path.

G-Money: Interesting idea Richter, have you considered traffic reporter?

Richter: I mean, all sorts of crazy things can happen in dreams. Sometimes you can fly, sometimes you can suck your own milkshake.

A-Train: SH-Ah, my shoulder.

G-Money: Are you ok? What happened?

A-Train: I went for the mute switch.

Richter: That really it all comes back to the fact that dreams are just trash that your brain is trying to process while you sleep. It really doesn't mean anything, does it?

A-Train: Much like this time we spend with you, Richter.

Richter: I want to thank both of you guys for taking some time to listen to me this morning. I think that really helped me sorry it all out. I'm just going to sit back and take a little bit of quiet time to contemplate this just a bit more, and then I think we'll be back to normal. Back to you.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: For varying definitions of normal.

A-Train: Wait, what's abnormal for Richter?

G-Money: Well, he's lactose intolerant, so milkshake was a weird choice.

A-Train: I wonder what Michael makes a Richter's dreams.

Michael O'Leary: I'm always flattered whenever Morpheus allows me to visit my friends while they slumber, even if he does get some of the details incorrect. But think of it this way Graham and Alex: as a man who makes his living on the radio, if I have no face I could not scream.

G-Money: Well Michael, if you had no face I'd sure be screaming. And now to the phones; where we're joined by local inventors Darren Von Spront and Raphael Crinklestouf, who are here to talk to us about the upcoming solar eclipse. Thanks for joining us, gentlemen.

{Graphic: LET'S GO TO THE PHONES}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Darren Von Spront and Raphael Crinklestouf- Inventors}

Raphael Crinklestouf: Lunar!

G-Money: Oh sorry, what?

Raphael: Lunar eclipse! That's why I'm here. I don't know why you invited that charlatan.

G-Money: Sorry, I thought you were here to talk about the solar eclipse?

Darren Von Spront: Then I hate to be a pedant, but there is a bit of a problem there. It is a solar re-clipse.

Raphael: Can it, you pan-european gasbag. It'll be my lunar eclipse and I'll be staging it at lunchtime.

Darren: You dummkopf. It'll be a re-clipse. We were sadly left of the previous eclipse, so I'm bringing the eclipse back to nsberg. Where it belongs.

G-Money: Hang on gentlemen. Please Mr. Crinklestouf, what are you talking about?

Raphael: Thank you. I approached nsberg Town Hall and offered my services for the upcoming eclipse season. They graciously accepted and I will be staging a series of mock lunar eclipses at lunch times.

G-Money: What is a mock lunar eclipse?

Raphael: A fine question. Sadly nsberg never experiences a lunar eclipse when convenient. They're always during the night. Therefore I will be staging a series of mock lunar eclipses at lunchtime when everyone may experience them utilizing the latest technology.

G-Money: Can you describe, specifically, how you're gonna do that?

Raphael: We will hover a large scale biodegradable reproduction of Earth's moon in nsberg sky. Then we will distribute viewing apparatus to the public by which they may experience the moon entering Earth's umbra.

Darren: You're simply dragging a model grey weather balloon behind the Talc Barn's biplane and then asking the people of ensberg to simultaneously wear these 3D glasses with only the red gel.

Raphael: And I believe that will accurately replicate what I am calling a lunch moon.

Darren: And you call yourself a scientist.

Raphael: My esteemed peers call me a scientist. I don't have to listen to some new-Money technocrat with strange pets.

Darren: They are extremely Italian and therefore very expensive.

G-Money: Mr. Von Spront, you-you were talking about a re-clipse?

Darren: The purpose of science is to discover the unknown and touch the face of God. But we needed something new and therefore I propose the solar re-clipse.

A-Train: Which is?

Darren: Picture a perfectly blue noon day nsberg sky. The life-giving Sun is glowing down upon us and you let your attention falter for just a moment and BAM: two suns. The solar re-clipse.

G-Money: Wouldn't people just be afraid?

Darren: There's no reason to be afraid. Properly achieving solar fusion within the atmosphere is highly impractical and extremely dangerous. No, this would just be a simulacrum of a Sun.

G-Money: How are you going to simulate a second Sun?

Raphael: I've already rented that biplane and I will not have you sully my moon by dragging your bundle of magnesium flares behind it.

Darren: I mean I could have reopened talks with that man who drives a traffic Qwopter but your mention of magnesium flares betrays your lack of understanding of the scientific process and creativity.

A-Train: So, and this is in no way an endorsement of your plan, how are you going to do it?

Darren: I think the most prudent method of replicating a Sun would be to inflate a circular desam full of perhaps natural gas and ignite it.

Raphael: You madman, you're going to blow up the moon!

Darren: Not this week, that would be highly impractical.

Raphael: No! My moon, you idiot!

Darren: That would be the most prudent course of action.

Raphael: But I was going to fill it with carob confectionaries. For the children.

A-Train: I've got a compromise. Crinklestouf, you fly your gas bag over nsberg city center; Von Spront, you set it off with a tracer round. Then everybody sees the explosion and anyone within the blast radius gets free molten carob.

Darren: How very like Solomon of you to murder both of our children with your idiotic ideas.

{Raphael and Darren shouting}

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: I don't use this switch more often.

G-Money: Yeah, no, it seems super useful now that we've labeled it.

A-Train: Yeah, we should have bought in Michael that label maker years ago.

Michael: Agreed. Now I am in firm control of all my extra forks.

G-Money: Well Alex, get ready with that button because-oh wait, no. No, she's actually in the studio. Um. we're now joined by Lorna Schlitzwhistle, who's here ... who's here. Hi Lorna.

{Graphic: IN THE STUDIO}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Lorna Schlitzwhistle - Local}

Lorna Schlitzwhistle: Hi Gromp, Hi Alek.

G-Money: And why are you here? I'm sorry what are you here to tell us about today?

Lorna: As you are no doubt aware nsberg birthday season is upon us very soon.

A-Train: Yep, it's the second most festive time of the year.

Lorna: That's right. But with the arrival of so many beautiful anniversaries of our reincarnations into the warm, welcoming arms of Mother Gaia, it means we have a lot of presents to buy. And sometimes abeautiful scented beeswax candle and alovely salt-crystal decorated dreamcatcher from my Etsy store just isn't enough.

A-Train: It's never enough, is it Schlitz.

G-Money: Miss Sch... Er. Miss Sch... Lorna. So you're here to give us some gift ideas for birthday season?

Lorna: That's right. And some wonderful tips on how to personalize it a little bit more for all the beautiful sun spirits in your life.

G-Money: I did all my birthday shopping back in the fifth quarter when everything was cheap, but please, go ahead.

Lorna: So if you are born in birthday season you're no doubt aware that you have the same astrological sign is a lot of other people but everyone's name number is a beautiful and totally unique number between one and nine, that explains how you interact with the universe and the cosmic powers. For example, Grah, your name number is one and my name number is nine, which actually means that we are friendly numbers.

G-Money: I don't know that that's true.

Lorna: But A-Train, his name number is five and that's an enemy number which means that our energies are like hot and cold, coming together swirling and disturbing the migratory patterns of fish in the sea.

G-Money: So what should I, a one, buy Alex, a five, for his birthday, numerologically speaking?

Lorna: Well I don't think Alex is actually born during birthday season, he's one of the nsberg aberrations, so it's not really relevant to this conversation. But metaphorically speaking we'll say that Alex represents all of the fives out there. A five would appreciate things that really take their daily grooming regime to the next level. For example, if you head down to the nsberg Farmers Market there's a beautiful artisan with a whole line of probiotic loofahs.

G-Money: Excuse me?

Lorna: It's a traditional sea sponge loofah impregnated with yogurt starter to bring balance inside and out.

G-Money: I don't want to give someone that.

Lorna: Well, if you're not a fan of culture, I feel like you can't go wrong with a beautiful pair of slippers infused with nerolian clove oil.

G-Money: What's the benefit of nerolian clove oil?

Lorna: It overwhelms the disgusting foot smell. Have you dealt with a foot before? They're awful.

G-Money: Great, I'll get Alex a pair of overpowering slippers.

A-Train: Hard pass.

G-Money: But what should I get for, I don't know, Michael, who was presumably a different number.

Lorna: What a wonderful question, Graham. Michael is a six, so he is very focused on creating a harmonious home environment. I would buy him something practical and beautiful, like a label maker.

Michael: Such is the life of a man who has everything.

G-Money: Cool what numbers haven't we talked about? Seven. What are they into?

Lorna: Sevens are in for a year of challenges and troubles. They are aligned with the cat's eye gem and white metal, so good gifts this year include quartz and platinum.

G-Money: So a little sculpture of a dog made of quartz or a platinum business card holder?

Lorna: No to both of those. Dog sculptures can bring negative energy into your home. If you must buy a quartz sculpture, get a sculpture of a bee which represents Mother Gaia's benevolence. But also neither of those are very good gifts for the seven in your life, for they are great risk this year are being beset by the fae.

G-Money: The fae?

A-Train: Why? Do they clog up your dreamcatchers?

Lorna: Altan, I had no idea you are so in touch with your spiritual side. But I do have to say: if the fairy folk are picking you for torment this year, a clogged dreamcatcher is going to be the least of your problems. Any sevens who are under a sprite infestation need the gift of cold iron. Circlets, necklaces, toe rings, mandalas, dream catchers. All available on etsy.

A-Train: Well you heard her. Michael give me a skillet.

G-Money: No, Alex that was for 7s, you're a 5.

A-Train: Don't care. Want a skillet.

Michael: 8 or 10-inch, my good man?

A-Train: Give me that 10, I love cornbread.

Lorna: A plate of cornbread does make an excellent offering for any pixies or forest people who are angry at you. Otherwise you'll wake up one morning with your nose hairs tied into a bow, and a beautiful silf trying to tempt you into her lair with a pomegranate.

G-Money: Is that bad?

Lorna: Oh, extremely.

G-Money: Ok, we've all learnt something today: cast iron pans all round. thank you for joining us Lorna.

Lorna: Peace be with you and namaste. www:\\etsy.com\Lornascr-

A-Train (distant): I had to go under the table, but I unplugged it.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: And with that it's time for the break. When we come back the Raster Heights Octogenarians Social Association is holding a beginner's dance workshop this weekend, for couples interested in learning the hopungo; which according to my notes is a lively traditional Mexican folk dance that combines 2/4, 3/4, and 6/8 time, creating cross rhythms of great complexity. Admission is $10 per couple and includes light refreshments, tiger balm, and compression bandages.

A-Train: It's almost worth it just to restock my earthquake kit.

G-Money: And also, if anyone's seen Derek: get-get back to us, I guess? He hasn't booked the time off.

A-Train: Last I saw me he was headed over to Farmer Bumper's to do that story on the Escape Field.

G-Money and A-Train: Oh!

G-Money: er, Gus, can you gas up the van? What do you mean the paint's not dry yet? You-s-hm. Folks stick around more Qwerpline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: Down-low Gaucho Clown Show}

Announcer: ...The Down-low Gaucho Clown Show. Sneak out to the man-made salt flats this weekend and catch these Argentinian Cowboys putting on a secret circus. The Down-low Gaucho Clown Show: buy a ticket so we can pay back with the town owes.